What's Bothering You?

Someone I was best friends with for a not insignificant amount of time is getting married this Saturday and didn't invite me, didn't even tell me, didn't give me an explanation of why I'm not invited. I can kind of guess why, but the fact that there was no "hey what's up" is... well, you can imagine, it sucks. A lot. I found out through one of my other best friends who was like "hey are you going to X wedding this Saturday" and I said no bc I wasnt invited and didn't know it was happening, and they immediately went "oh my god I'm so sorry I had no idea you weren't invited wtf?"

So yeah. That stings a lot. **** that guy and **** his stupid wedding.
 
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I try not to complain too much and to be grateful that things aren't worse and to push on through, but I am just. so worn down at this point. I don't know what the universe wants from me. I just need things to finally turn around and look up for us again so badly. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm at the point where I'm terrified every time one of us gets a phone call or text in case it's another problem, another complication, another thing to worry about. I'm so tired of toughing things out and I haven't even had time to properly decompress from the last several Things before another one has popped up
 
Doo said:
I really wish I wasn’t autistic. I just want to belong for once, I want to have a chance
Click to expand...

as a fellow autistic person, I can relate. It's hard to belong when your brain works differently from the rest. But, it is possible! Never give up, and eventually you'll be able to fit in! I mean, you already fit in here on TBT, so it can't be much harder IRL, right?
 
TBT is probably not the best place to ask for advice, but…

For those that don’t know, I’m also a fellow user with ASD. Social interactions have always made me feel uncomfortable, more so when it’s with people I don’t know in real life. I’ve basically grown up to become an introvert, both due to this and my personal embarrassment about the organizational state/cleanliness of our house (most of which I cannot control). Most of the time when I bring it up with older people I trust, I’m not given much advice on how to make my situation better, as I cannot easily move out due to my lack of income and having no friends to room with.

While I do appreciate my parents providing me with many things I like in life, my therapist has pretty much determined that my socially awkward behavior is partly to blame on them for not resolving the need of cleaning the house. Believe me, I’ve offered my assistance several times in the past, but my mom keeps telling me not to and that she’ll do it herself. Problem with that, however, is that she barely keeps her promises and refuses to believe that she has a problem.

This disorder bothers me so much, but it’s the one thing my mom refuses to acknowledge. My dad brought it up with me today without her being around, and even he is thinking about seeing a therapist as he doesn’t know what to do. It’s gotten to the point where we cannot easily walk around our kitchen, living room and the hallways. There is also a bunch of stuff that belongs to my sister, and she is also a slob who’s attitude went down the drain the moment I gained my side of the house from her after moving out. Would you guys say that my immediate family members are dysfunctional? I won’t get offended if you say yes, because honestly, I want change to happen now. I’m a single man turning 25 who lost all his friends, and if I want to move on with my life, this needs to become less of an issue.

An example of my mom’s refusal to admit: One time, my dad cleaned the entire kitchen when she was out of town. After returning and seeing the result, she was livid and they started arguing. A week later, the kitchen returned to being a total wreck.
 
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I'm so tired of my BPD ruining everything. Actually, correction; I'm so tired of ruining everything.
I hate having episodes. I hate taking it out on my bf when he doesn't deserve it but my brain is so used to the trauma, so used to everything being bad, that I villainize him constantly. I'm always fearing he's going to hurt me badly. Break my heart, leave me.. I had a bad meltdown yesterday. Although he's stayed with me for almost 3 years.. Idk if he wants to keep putting up with it. No matter how many therapists I've seen, the medications I've been on. I just don't see it getting better at all.. I feel like there's nothing for me in life anymore. My little brother joined the military, my parents don't understand and I can't ever talk to them about it. My sister has her own issues to deal with. I have friends online, but.. I have nobody to turn to irl. I feel so alone..
I want to think things will get better and that I just had a bad day.. but when I've been doing so good lately only to crumble again.. it just feels like I'll always be this way.
 
AI scares me. I never considered myself good as an artist, but I always wanted to eventually go into an art career. I wonder if going the way will be a dead end...

I just don't know if I'd be good for anything else, yet I don't want to be stuck at my current job because I can't do it much longer. I'm just feeling so hopeless and depressed again.
 
I'm making crap money these days. I'm currently a server and have been in the restaurant industry for almost 12 years. It's all I've ever done. I've been trying to find a BOH restaurant job that pays decently so I can actually have consistent money. I do love serving but when it's your entire income, it can be stressful. I've been thinking of trying to serve at a fine dining restaurant because THAT can be excellent money. I just wanna have fun with my money and buy all the fandom things and pokemon/animal crossing plushies that my little heart desires.
 
I’ve been still taking a hiatus from twitter, but the genocide, ethnic cleansing still is on my mind even though I’m trying my best to take care of my health first. Like I was working on my island journal earlier, and some of my screenshots gave me bad vibes like it made me think of the colonist and illegal settlements. This game has nothing to do with it and I never thought of this before event though when I first got New Horizons, I had long taken the class in college that made me aware of what is going on.

I’m doing okay overall; I’m just troubled by this and being low energy and burnt out.

No comments or replies here or on discord please.
 
Sometimes I delete my own socials at random because I've convinced myself nobody I've talked with would notice so it doesn't matter. If I don't want to keep a profile, I delete it and feel nothing lost.

Today somebody found me on another platform and said they looked for me all over the place because they were worried.

To which it surprised me. I thought 'why would you ever look for me'. I guess, in my own head, I deemed myself as unimportant and I detach sometimes.

It was a small gesture, but that message today might end up rewiring how I think. Even if just a little bit.
 
I’m kinda bummed kinda mad at myself for my delicious designs not getting accepted. Even though I thought I fixed it in time. Maybe I should have @ instead of just quoting.
Edit because it was now accepted. Thanks so much I was so worried I did something wrong.
 
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