I woke up bright an early today, having a lot of energy and feeling enthusiastic and watching funny videos and laughing a lot, and I thought it was all fine and dandy until I realized... I'm dealing with another manic episode.
but I have to give myself credit, because this time around I actually identified it early on. sometimes I go through this for weeks and I don't know what is wrong with me and I feel like an awful person, but then once I come down from mania I realize that those things I was feeling—panic, fear, urgency, anxiety, extreme enthusiasm and energy—are all symptoms of mania for me. if I can't identify it while it's happening then I don't know how to help myself, but now that I
have identified it early on, I can take steps to make sure that I don't make it worse, much like how you can't get rid of depression but you can do some basic self-care stuff to make it more bearable.
I started my morning with a lot of stimulation, but I think for the rest of today I'm gonna maintain low auditory stimulation (white noise and videos on low volume), low visual stimulation (keeping window curtains mostly but not entirely closed, dark computer screens), and I'll try to keep other stimulation at a minimum. I'll also try to not let my anxious and panicky thoughts run rampant.
sometimes I think about going through my whole life as a mentally ill person, and it just... it sucks so much. but I'm thankful to have some really amazing people who love me just for who I am, and even though it can be hard for me to love myself when I'm manic (or depressed), I do and I always will.
also random but it blows my mind that some people choose to not be treated for bipolar and they deal with depression so they can have the added "benefit" of dealing with mania. like I get that it gives you a lot of energy and enthusiasm but like, what's the real benefit? I'm almost always miserable when I'm manic. I'd rather be treated for it and not deal with either depression or mania. I wish I had a medication I could take for mania.
