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What's Bothering You?

feeling really bothered by something but I probably won't be able to resolve it until later today :,,,,)

also feeling bad bc I haven't been able to draw consistently, like, at all this year. I've started so many drawings, but I never have the motivation to actually finish them, and I also seemingly can't draw without feeling guilty that I'm not doing other things. not to mention, I've had a commission that I've been needing to work on for over two months now and like, I haven't worked on it?? I don't know why I keep thinking I can take commissions from people because I really can't, I feel so bad about it. 😭 I wish I could just draw like other normal artists on here and actually take commissions and get something out of my work; or better yet, I wish that I could actually start and finish the ideas that I have. 😞

oh, and I have a very special drawing that I'm working on, but I'm not happy with any of the brush tools that Clip Studio Paint comes with, so I've been looking through CS Assets to find a new one and that's proven to be in vain so far. it's very annoying, I've been wanting to finish this drawing for like a week and it's been halted because I want to make this drawing the best it can be and I don't have the right tool to do that.
 
got a call about the job I applied for and... of course I didn't get it. they didn't even give me an interview, just said "sorry we went with another candidate". like you couldn't even give me a chance?

I can apply to other places but I already have to drive 40 minutes to and from work every day. if I applied to one of the other libraries in the consortium I'd probably have to drive an hour or more. add that on top of working a full 8-hour day. that's ridiculous.

I guess this wasn't my calling, and it's okay. but my sensitive autistic *** had to cry about it for a bit anyway. it's all good. 🫠
 
on my way to pick up my parents because our camry died on the way back which means my first car is a goner!!! both of our cars are really old (1998 and 2002) so they always have issues and it was bound to happen but man!!!!! i’m still sad about it
 
got woken up by my parents screaming at each other this morning, because god forbid they communicate with each other like the adults that they are, and now everything is tense and quiet. why is my household only quiet when something bad happens.

i’m so tired.
 
My parents straight-up told me "you need help". Not in a mean way, obviously, but I think they're disheartened by the fact that I don't seem to be getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was seeing someone, but I haven't been able to see my psychologists for weeks. At that point, I just feel like that there's no help for me and that all my attempts of bettering myself are useless...

Thankfully, my social worker is still there. My 'task' is to write a letter to my mom, about the things I wanted to say to her, then read it with my social worker and burn it afterwards. I guess it's a form of letting go. It just reminded me of something I thought of last year; I planned to visit my mom as an adult and have a serious talk about... Everything. But now it's too late, and I'm just sad that I never got to have that talk with her. I think it would've been good for both of us, but that chance has slipped away.

This is some pretty heavy stuff, so... Sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not doing well, and I'm not getting better. I feel absolutely hopeless about my entire ****ing life. I've been told my adults that, "you have your whole life ahead of you!", but... It doesn't feel that way. I don't know.
 
I started to gag during my partners award ceremony so I'm sitting outside trying to get some air. Idk why this keeps happening all month. I'm on a list for a new family doctor so hopefully it doesn't take months. I wasn't feeling good on the way over here but I was trying to ignore it cause it's a special day for my partner. At least I got to see them accept their award and then I got up and left which is probably rude to the other people receiving awards but oh well.
 
My best friend finally replied an hour ago, but he didn’t even say happy belated birthday. He just asked why i needed a new switch and what was wrong with the controller i had got other than it being fake. I should be happy he replied at all yet I’m feeling butt hurt and this just killed my mood. I’m starting to have bad thoughts again too :/.
 
I'm thinking about my mom again. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I can't get her out of my mind. I wish we could've spent more time together. Of course, I didn't know that my "next visit" with her would've been in the hospital, and then her grave. I just keep thinking "I wish..." and "this could've happened...", but it's ultimately useless; Dwelling on the past won't bring her back.

I'm also thinking of something that happened a bit ago; Back in March/April, I wrote a memoir about my mom's death for an English assignment. My friend peer-reviewed it, and they told me: "If I were you, I wouldn't be sad about her death, especially with how she treated you". While I understand their point of view, I still think it was an insensitive thing to say. Sure, my mom hurt me... A lot. But I still love her unconditionally. Love is weird, though.

Despite all that, I still have things to do... I can't spend my time thinking about someone who's already long gone. But it also sucks that I have to push my thoughts and emotions aside for a ****ing thesis paper that I don't even want to work on. :x C'est la vie.
 
ZeldaCrossing64 said:
- snip -
Click to expand...

As one of the other site members who has lost their mom, I understand the pain you're going through. It can be tough to deal with, and you shouldn't lessen the impact of it because of what anyone else says or does. After all, like Chris mentioned above me, she was your mom.

I'm sending the biggest virtual hug your way right now. Some days it's so hard, dude. But in the end there really are things we still have to focus on as long as we are living. Those are also things we can't take for granted as well. 💚
 
ZeldaCrossing64 said:
Snip
Click to expand...
I can relate to your feelings. Even though my Mum passed back in October 2022, I still think about her every single day. There are days where I get by, and then out of the blue I can't stop crying. Your friend had no right to say that, as no-one has the right to tell you how to feel after losing someone. My DMs are open if you ever want to talk or someone to listen. Thinking of you. 🫂
 
I stressed myself out to the point of vomiting on Wednesday at work. I recently got confirmation that this was actually stress-induced… I also hadn’t eaten anything since Wednesday morning at the time of this post.

I sometimes feel like I’m asking too much or if I’m being inconsiderate of the old guy that’s been working here. There’s really no point in him being here any longer considering he can’t do most of the things his position requires of him… I’m sick of being the person that has to wait for his morning hours when he can’t physically do his job. I’m highkey thinking I need a job that is less stressful, or at least a job that I’ll be less affected by if the person working before me isn’t on his game (ie: Cashier).

I hated having to hear it from people that “this’ll happen at every job you work at” but it won’t. Can’t get ****ed with a workload when all you’re doing is working a register… I hated having people telling me to suck it up because that’s what being an adult is. I hate doing all of this **** he can’t do because everyone helps him. He can’t do his job? Others do it for him and he doesn’t get his hours cut. I’ve been patient waiting for him to either be hurt on the job or for him to quit. But I don’t know if I can do this much longer. I can’t take this. I suppose someone else threatening to quit because of him wasn’t enough of a red flag?

Edit: I’m eating now for the first time since Wednesday…
 
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