What's Bothering You?

The art program I use randomly started experiencing what I assume is some kind of bug yesterday (I'm thinking it's a bug cuz I changed literally zero settings) and I can't seem to fix it no matter I do, including uninstalling/reinstalling which broke all the thumbnails for my files created with the program. 🤦‍♂️ The bug itself seems to be only visual and doesn't actually affect the art when I save it, but it's still annoying the crap out of me. And it's such a weird and specific problem I can't find anything about it when I Google it.
 
This is dumb but... The eclipse happened while I was on my way home from college and basically missed it. I did witness some dimness, but that's just about it. Oh, and there were clouds for good measure. What a way to let this once in a lifetime opportunity slip away from my hands. The next time it'll happen here will probably be when I'm not alive which is many many years away. 😞
 
This is very minor.

I’ve been trying to chat in the hoyolab part of this discord i’m part of and like the other channels there, always cluttered with meme stuff i don’t see how is funny. Like on this one, two people post the same solar eclipse photo but referring to different part of the game; one has to do with Raiden’s plane of eternity and the other something to do with the knave. I don’t get how it is funny. Honestly i think it is annoying when i just want to chat about the game. I’m tempted to make a discord suggestion to ask if we could minimize the amount of memes posted in discussion channels and have a channel just for memes or something but i don’t think a lot of people would appreciate it. I don’t understand a lot of memes. I have seen some funny memes at least in some gacha game specific reddit communities but all the ones I see on this discord I’m like okay… I don’t get it. I know I lack a sense of humor. 😔.

Only 1 dream solvent out of seven trounce domain runs in genshin 😔.

Mood has picked up a little aside from this, though I still feel my sadness ready to pop up any minute. Also a bit disappointed and relieved too at the same time not to have gotten a reply from my friend yet. I’m trying not to dwell so the sadness stays away and so I can just enjoy my game but, it’s difficult.
 
...I managed to strain a muscle in my thigh last night. Every couple of minutes on the walk into work this morning it would spasm - twice I almost buckled. Then idiot me thinks it's smart to walk up six flights of stairs instead of taking the lift, haha. I'm not getting out of this chair for a while.
This hasn't stopped. It's 4:30AM and every few minutes my leg painfully constricts. Sleep? What's that? 🥲
 
Gender moment, honestly

Am I really distraught over it? Not right now no. I’m me. But hell I wish I could just shapeshift to express my inner self better. See myself as I see me in the mirror.

Gotta accept what I see there instead. I don’t look bad at all. I just don’t feel like me.
 
I suspect that someone on Disqus has created many accounts just to stalk me and downvote me for the most trivial comments. It started a few weeks ago, I, and a few others, suddenly got a lot of dislikes over stupid things, then I noticed it was always the same group of accounts with no comments, it looked like bots so I didn't bother but today I noticed that group was always following the same user, upvoting their comments and downvoting anybody else they dislike, and then that user started upvoting their own comment, which could have been by accident, so I joked that someone had forgotten to switch of account, without naming anybody and they deleted their comment and then started to downvote all my comments...pretty childish...
Also I don't get why they are targetting me when many have similar comments... and it's so random comments
 
I just saw an old lady at the grocery store that reminded me of my late grandmother. I just startet crying in the car. I am super sad.

And I had some blood tests done yesterday and will get the results friday. So I am a bit nervous about this as well.
 
I literally just got over being depressed, and now I'm right back at it. I'm so tired and my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. the 3DS servers shutting down officially marked the end of an era and I am mourning it. the eclipse was so strikingly ethereal that it really messed with my emotions in a way I never thought it could. not to mention a dear friend of mine (posted in here earlier) couldn't witness totality, or even the partial eclipse. so many things are holding me back from where I want to be right now. and of course, I still hate being in this house and I feel emotionally unsafe around my parents.

I'm so tired, I wish I could just go back to bed but I know I won't be able to fall asleep and just lying there won't help anything. most days I can be strong and cope with the fact that there's a lot of work between where I am now and where I want to be, and I have to be patient and give it time and give myself room to learn and grow. but some days I'm just not feeling so strong and patient. 🥲

I dunno, life is just... kinda sad right now.
 
I'm in the waiting room of the dentist and my arm pits are sweating. Why is the dentist so scary lmao

Update: the dentist went fine and I was all stressed out for nothing as per usual
 
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I have to pee so bad but I can’t leave my room, because my mom is currently on the warpath. All because Facebook wasn’t working. 🫠 There’s no word strong enough to convey just how sick and tired I am of this. I hate waking up every day not knowing what version of my mom will await me, and when/if something will happen that’ll make her angry like this. I honestly hate waking up every day in general. I just woke up and she’s already zapped me of all my energy for the day. It’s so debilitating and soul-crushing to live here with her anger and her negativity. She keeps saying that she wants help, that she doesn’t want to live like this, but she doesn’t pick up the phone when any of her doctors call. She doesn’t answer their emails. She doesn’t take any of the meds they prescribe, or use any of their creams for her skin problems. She still hasn’t done the urine test that she was asked to do LAST YEAR.

The sad reality is that my mom does not want to change, nor will she ever. She wants her doctors to wave a magic wand and fix everything that’s ailing her, but she is not willing to do the work. She’s not willing to take care of herself. She’s not willing to make changes. As she told me last night, she is who she is, take it or leave it. She knows this isn’t a good way to live. She knows this is bad. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t care how her outbursts upset me. She doesn’t care that she’s borderline emotionally and verbally abusive. She just does not care. The only people she gave a **** about were her mother and Zeva, and now that they’re gone, damn anyone who’s still alive. Screw us for not being the ones who died, right?

Bonk is currently meowing and getting into **** because she wants attention that she’s not getting, and I can’t go play with her. My mom will scream at me if I do. “I don’t need to be rescued from my own ****ing cat”. There’s no winning with her. There’s no winning in this house. I didn’t get to see the eclipse yesterday because my life is so entwined with my mom’s, and she thinks it’s stupid. I’m not in a place where I can be independent or do things on my own, so unless my mom wants to see something or go somewhere as well, I don’t get to. My life is just a series of being told by people that I deserve better, but who aren’t willing or able to change to give me said better. My life is a series of experiences that I will never stop missing out on. I’m trapped in this house, and I hate everything about it. I hate everything about life. I wish every day that my parents didn’t have me, because they were never, ever fit to be parents. They gave birth to the worst parts of theirselves instead of a child.

I would gladly trade places with anyone else. Literally anything would be better than this.
 
I’m troubled by some complaints I read in a chat group about Disney but nothing about their support for genocide. I’m sure some people don’t know about it but on twitter, the news is everywhere and I’m retweeting it so even if they blocked the word, unless they mute me, they’re going to see it. I didn’t read the chat thread though since I’m trying to avoid triggering topics with the way I’ve been feeling. I’m contemplating leaving the chat group; I like the group but I rather avoid politics and such with my friends. I’m just worried they will take me leaving the wrong way.
 
This hasn't stopped. It's 4:30AM and every few minutes my leg painfully constricts. Sleep? What's that? 🥲
Not sure if this translates, but I suffer from carpal tunnel-y wrist pains every so often and I am usually able to help the pain by alternating heat and cold on it every 10-15 minutes (like a hot towel for 15 mins, an icepack wrapped in a towel for 15 mins, and repeat)

Regardless of if that advice is helpful, I hope the injury clears up :(
 
Regardless of if that advice is helpful, I hope the injury clears up :(
Turned out it was a symptom of one of my conditions (anaemia) and being late on the relative treatment. It's lessened now but still ongoing. Been told to call the doctor tomorrow if it is still occurring after 24hrs. 😅

But I'll definitely try that for some pain relief. Thank you!
 
my workmates are so ****ty i absolutely hate it here, theyre so bad at communicating (e.g. they switched my sched to accommodate someone else WITHOUT TELLING ME so all my plans had to be cancelled today), theyre not present during zoom meetings when they have the bigger role than me (note that one guy is at the BEACH and literally did not tell anyone in the room, not even our seniors/boss, so I had to swoop in and do his work for him bc otherwise they would get mad at us interns), and they dont even know parts of their own job?? my workmate tried gaslighting & guilt tripping me today for calling them out on the sched change without my knowledge/permission (note I was very civil with them) so i just muted and hid their chat away bc i couldnt bother talking to them anymore. they are so bad at receiving criticism for their own faults and deflect the blame to literally anything else and try guilt tripping me to make me feel bad about calling them out. for the guy who was away and at the beach, he's responsible for making our schedule for the next two weeks and we have literally received no news from him. work starts tomorrow and we have absolutely no idea what we are doing because he cant bother to give us a heads up on anything at all. lmao ive had enough of my workmates i hate it here
lil update on this, i found out the guy who switched scheds with me lied to me about why they needed a sched change. when i asked him why he suddenly changed my schedule, they told me they had a medical consultation on sunday so i was like ok (y) (already sketchy as is bc which doctor makes outpatient check-ups on a Sunday?? didnt comment on it tho). But then my friends started messaging me about how said guy posted on instagram that he was having a lil out-of-town vacation with his boyfriend. i was so so sick to my stomach bc I also had plans i had to cancel because of the sudden sched change, just to find out that his reason for switching scheds was all to accommodate his silly little date?? bro could've scheduled his date another day or something, he knew he was on-call that day (our schedules have been posted the week before), but nooo he had to compromise my own schedule without telling me or even asking permission just so he could have a little fun.

i posted on instagram to just show how my boyfriend was so understanding of me despite my very confusing schedule that day (he treated me to Chili's and ice cream :c ), and this guy felt i was some sort of threat (?) to his clout so he posted about his own boyfriend after I did. I didn't really think of it that much and didn't tell anyone my sentiments, but my friends suddenly messaged me about it and i was like LMAO ok so maybe it is a big deal

and lemme just tell you the attitude of this guy, he is literally Main Character™️ vibes, and i dont say that to just anyone lol. during one discussion he was pitching in so many random things just to show off his knowledge (e.g. he's answer a question and say 473823 more sentences afterwards that even our senior was like 😐? ok ), and after he'd say Some Smart Thing, he would grab his EMPTY COFFEE CUP and shake it and sip on it. like bro what are you doing ? 😭 😭 it's so funny bc me and my work friends collectively noticed him being attention-seeking and stuff so it's definitely not a me thing alone LOL

we've called out on his BS multiple times but he either deflects the blame, ignores the question, or guilt trips us into confronting him about it 😭 i hate him so muchhh how do i block someone i work with IRL
 
sorry for posting here again so soon. really upset because i almost lost my genshin account and the whole thing about only being able to use my email for one game by hoyoverse being wrong or a lie. they better move my account to the right email since i never went to the settings since making my main email the email for genshin and changed it and not give me that bs they gave me in my first ticket about this. My mood was picking up a little and then this happened :/. Idk why every support regardless what game or company i message about linking issues or something, they lie and don’t know what they’re doing like years ago, one company told me to do trouble shooting steps to try to unlink and kept redirecting me to someone in chat support until finally someone says there is no option to unlink (different situation from this one). like uh, why didn’t you say so and not waste my time with that bs then?
 
I feel more dysphoric today, like it's not that normal to look in the mirror and 80% of the time I've felt like I'm borrowing someone's body right? I thought people might look in the mirror and feel a bit weird the way they do hearing their own voice, but not to this degree right? The 20% that I feel like it's me in the mirror, it's been as an adult where I have to suck it up more, or on days I just feel vain about my body and can shut the dysphoria off more. There go any doubts I had about falling under the trans umbrella, it's just been weird when sometimes I can't tell how much of it was being trans and how much was my depersonalization outright.

Aside from that apparently Gigantic servers (one of the games I was actually excited about) are terrible/barely let anyone log in, and Guilty Gear Oceania servers are dead (no players online at peak hours despite a character dropping a week ago), I can't play the games I really care about online I guess. Christ, let me enjoy Raven/Chaos without 300 ping, my only option for rando matches is either doing that or looking for Aus Discord servers, but my gaslighter from years ago is probably there. I am desperate to play GG with other Aus people, but I don't want to see that guy. Also, it just sucks when EVERY online game I have to settle knowing the lag is there because Aus playerbases are always dead. The only one I've seen holding a good player count is Overwatch and lol boring. FGs would be a top 3 genre for me if I could actually play them, sad as hell.
 
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