whimsycreator
Legendary Clown
So... how exactly is that accomplished?
Not to reveal my Tragic Backstory all of a sudden, or to recount the pathetic sob-story that is my life, or anything, but... (*a tiny violin starts playing out of nowhere*)... Oh no, it’s happening anyway...
But whatever. Yeah. Basically I’m the exact kind of person you’d see if you looked up “unfortunate” in the dictionary. And it just hurts. I would give anything to be anyone else besides me.
I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no siblings, I’m always alone, I’m mixed-race, I’m a lesbian, I have autism spectrum disorder, I have ADHD, I have depression and anxiety, I have OCD, I hate myself, I also have exercise intolerance meaning I can’t walk further than a few yards without feeling out of breath, the cause is unknown but the symptoms actually point to undiagnosed heart failure. (It could very well be something else, but I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.)
Ever since I was little I was bullied for being different. I didn’t understand why. Why I was different, why I was being bullied. I just knew it made me feel bad. But nobody understood how I felt. Even my parents and teachers added to this because they punished me for having autism and for acting different from other kids. They wanted me to be normal and to fit in. It got to the point where I learned to act like everyone else, but it was no longer me. My true self was being repressed. It’s exhausting to act like everyone else too. Just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s easy. Also since I had autism, everyone treated me like I was dumb and I always doubted my own intelligence. I believed I was a very stupid person for a very long time. (I still kind of do, honestly...)
I’m 22 and I never really had any friends outside of the Internet. Whenever I made a friend, they never stuck around for long. I always would end up losing them to how awkward I was. We would end up drifting apart and I would always blame myself for not reaching out in time. I’m so lonely all the time. I envied people who had friends for my entire life. In high school, everyone had a friend group and always looked so close. I’ve never had anything like that with anyone.
I have hated myself my entire life, since I first even learned the concept of “self.” I thought it was normal up until I was 13, I was on the school bus calling myself ugly and saying I wanted to mutilate my face and the bus driver said she wanted to cry hearing me say those words. Up until that point, I thought everyone had those feelings sometimes. I wasn’t fully aware of my psychological problems until I was 13. I asked my mom if I could go to therapy. My mom is very prejudiced when it comes to mentally ill and disabled people, so she yelled at me for saying that. When I was 6 she even taught me “Therapy is a place where crazy people go.”
You might not know this, but ADHD also sometimes comes with something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically makes you very sensitive and easily-hurt by criticism and negative remarks. It isn’t because we’re “weak” or “thin-skinned,” it’s actually because of genetics. I have RSD myself and it really makes me awful in social situations. I only learned about this last year, so for many years I had no idea what was wrong with me and thought I was an overly-sensitive coward.
It hurts so much when I see people living great and successful lives. I can’t even watch shows like America’s Got Talent because I feel so awful knowing those people are doing amazing things at often such young ages, and I’m imprisoned by my insecurities. All I do is sit at home and create fantasy worlds in my heads that resemble the life I wish I could have. I create a character that represents me in all my stories, and I usually surround them with friends I wish I could have. Because I know that deep down, I’m never going to life that life for real, so the least I can do is get lost in a fictional pretend world where I am living that sort of life. Even my Animal Crossing island has extensive lore, 8 player characters, and is a huge escape for me.
All I really do is write. I want to be a part of something. I want to have friends and to actually feel alive for once. I want my life to have a meaning. I want a reason. A reason to feel empowered. I’ve never had anything like that. I’ve never felt empowered.
My parents don’t understand how I feel, and what I go through. My mom never takes me seriously, always mocks me, calls me overly-dramatic, sensitive, and says I’m emo. My dad, on the other hand, is just super-unaware. My mom and dad have no idea that this is to the point where I sometimes fantasize about being dead and/or suicide. I don’t necessarily want them to know either, I don’t want them to freak out. I just wish they knew how hard it was.
I can’t do exercise (or even most things that require standing) because of my exercise intolerance, which really limits the kind of activities I can do. I feel this contributes greatly to my problems. When I’m at the mall I have to find a seat every 2-3 minutes, it’s that bad.
Honestly, I feel like I still haven’t even listed half of my woes. But really, shouldn’t my life actually be wonderful? I was born in a world of opportunity, and in a free country. There is really nothing holding me back compared to people born in places like Syria and Afghanistan. So why am I not feeling blessed for my situation and thriving?
Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m honestly so lost. I really don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for making you read all this. (Actually, I’m actually not even expecting anyone to read even half of this to be honest. If you actually read all of this, then you’re insane. Have a cookie and thank you. You don’t have to respond because I’d feel awful if I made you have to reply...)
Not to reveal my Tragic Backstory all of a sudden, or to recount the pathetic sob-story that is my life, or anything, but... (*a tiny violin starts playing out of nowhere*)... Oh no, it’s happening anyway...
But whatever. Yeah. Basically I’m the exact kind of person you’d see if you looked up “unfortunate” in the dictionary. And it just hurts. I would give anything to be anyone else besides me.
I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no siblings, I’m always alone, I’m mixed-race, I’m a lesbian, I have autism spectrum disorder, I have ADHD, I have depression and anxiety, I have OCD, I hate myself, I also have exercise intolerance meaning I can’t walk further than a few yards without feeling out of breath, the cause is unknown but the symptoms actually point to undiagnosed heart failure. (It could very well be something else, but I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.)
Ever since I was little I was bullied for being different. I didn’t understand why. Why I was different, why I was being bullied. I just knew it made me feel bad. But nobody understood how I felt. Even my parents and teachers added to this because they punished me for having autism and for acting different from other kids. They wanted me to be normal and to fit in. It got to the point where I learned to act like everyone else, but it was no longer me. My true self was being repressed. It’s exhausting to act like everyone else too. Just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s easy. Also since I had autism, everyone treated me like I was dumb and I always doubted my own intelligence. I believed I was a very stupid person for a very long time. (I still kind of do, honestly...)
I’m 22 and I never really had any friends outside of the Internet. Whenever I made a friend, they never stuck around for long. I always would end up losing them to how awkward I was. We would end up drifting apart and I would always blame myself for not reaching out in time. I’m so lonely all the time. I envied people who had friends for my entire life. In high school, everyone had a friend group and always looked so close. I’ve never had anything like that with anyone.
I have hated myself my entire life, since I first even learned the concept of “self.” I thought it was normal up until I was 13, I was on the school bus calling myself ugly and saying I wanted to mutilate my face and the bus driver said she wanted to cry hearing me say those words. Up until that point, I thought everyone had those feelings sometimes. I wasn’t fully aware of my psychological problems until I was 13. I asked my mom if I could go to therapy. My mom is very prejudiced when it comes to mentally ill and disabled people, so she yelled at me for saying that. When I was 6 she even taught me “Therapy is a place where crazy people go.”
You might not know this, but ADHD also sometimes comes with something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically makes you very sensitive and easily-hurt by criticism and negative remarks. It isn’t because we’re “weak” or “thin-skinned,” it’s actually because of genetics. I have RSD myself and it really makes me awful in social situations. I only learned about this last year, so for many years I had no idea what was wrong with me and thought I was an overly-sensitive coward.
It hurts so much when I see people living great and successful lives. I can’t even watch shows like America’s Got Talent because I feel so awful knowing those people are doing amazing things at often such young ages, and I’m imprisoned by my insecurities. All I do is sit at home and create fantasy worlds in my heads that resemble the life I wish I could have. I create a character that represents me in all my stories, and I usually surround them with friends I wish I could have. Because I know that deep down, I’m never going to life that life for real, so the least I can do is get lost in a fictional pretend world where I am living that sort of life. Even my Animal Crossing island has extensive lore, 8 player characters, and is a huge escape for me.
All I really do is write. I want to be a part of something. I want to have friends and to actually feel alive for once. I want my life to have a meaning. I want a reason. A reason to feel empowered. I’ve never had anything like that. I’ve never felt empowered.
My parents don’t understand how I feel, and what I go through. My mom never takes me seriously, always mocks me, calls me overly-dramatic, sensitive, and says I’m emo. My dad, on the other hand, is just super-unaware. My mom and dad have no idea that this is to the point where I sometimes fantasize about being dead and/or suicide. I don’t necessarily want them to know either, I don’t want them to freak out. I just wish they knew how hard it was.
I can’t do exercise (or even most things that require standing) because of my exercise intolerance, which really limits the kind of activities I can do. I feel this contributes greatly to my problems. When I’m at the mall I have to find a seat every 2-3 minutes, it’s that bad.
Honestly, I feel like I still haven’t even listed half of my woes. But really, shouldn’t my life actually be wonderful? I was born in a world of opportunity, and in a free country. There is really nothing holding me back compared to people born in places like Syria and Afghanistan. So why am I not feeling blessed for my situation and thriving?
Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m honestly so lost. I really don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for making you read all this. (Actually, I’m actually not even expecting anyone to read even half of this to be honest. If you actually read all of this, then you’re insane. Have a cookie and thank you. You don’t have to respond because I’d feel awful if I made you have to reply...)
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