Dealing with depression

[whimsycreator]

So... how exactly is that accomplished?

Not to reveal my Tragic Backstory all of a sudden, or to recount the pathetic sob-story that is my life, or anything, but... (*a tiny violin starts playing out of nowhere*)... Oh no, it’s happening anyway...

But whatever. Yeah. Basically I’m the exact kind of person you’d see if you looked up “unfortunate” in the dictionary. And it just hurts. I would give anything to be anyone else besides me.

I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no siblings, I’m always alone, I’m mixed-race, I’m a lesbian, I have autism spectrum disorder, I have ADHD, I have depression and anxiety, I have OCD, I hate myself, I also have exercise intolerance meaning I can’t walk further than a few yards without feeling out of breath, the cause is unknown but the symptoms actually point to undiagnosed heart failure. (It could very well be something else, but I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.)

Ever since I was little I was bullied for being different. I didn’t understand why. Why I was different, why I was being bullied. I just knew it made me feel bad. But nobody understood how I felt. Even my parents and teachers added to this because they punished me for having autism and for acting different from other kids. They wanted me to be normal and to fit in. It got to the point where I learned to act like everyone else, but it was no longer me. My true self was being repressed. It’s exhausting to act like everyone else too. Just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s easy. Also since I had autism, everyone treated me like I was dumb and I always doubted my own intelligence. I believed I was a very stupid person for a very long time. (I still kind of do, honestly...)

I’m 22 and I never really had any friends outside of the Internet. Whenever I made a friend, they never stuck around for long. I always would end up losing them to how awkward I was. We would end up drifting apart and I would always blame myself for not reaching out in time. I’m so lonely all the time. I envied people who had friends for my entire life. In high school, everyone had a friend group and always looked so close. I’ve never had anything like that with anyone.

I have hated myself my entire life, since I first even learned the concept of “self.” I thought it was normal up until I was 13, I was on the school bus calling myself ugly and saying I wanted to mutilate my face and the bus driver said she wanted to cry hearing me say those words. Up until that point, I thought everyone had those feelings sometimes. I wasn’t fully aware of my psychological problems until I was 13. I asked my mom if I could go to therapy. My mom is very prejudiced when it comes to mentally ill and disabled people, so she yelled at me for saying that. When I was 6 she even taught me “Therapy is a place where crazy people go.”

You might not know this, but ADHD also sometimes comes with something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically makes you very sensitive and easily-hurt by criticism and negative remarks. It isn’t because we’re “weak” or “thin-skinned,” it’s actually because of genetics. I have RSD myself and it really makes me awful in social situations. I only learned about this last year, so for many years I had no idea what was wrong with me and thought I was an overly-sensitive coward.

It hurts so much when I see people living great and successful lives. I can’t even watch shows like America’s Got Talent because I feel so awful knowing those people are doing amazing things at often such young ages, and I’m imprisoned by my insecurities. All I do is sit at home and create fantasy worlds in my heads that resemble the life I wish I could have. I create a character that represents me in all my stories, and I usually surround them with friends I wish I could have. Because I know that deep down, I’m never going to life that life for real, so the least I can do is get lost in a fictional pretend world where I am living that sort of life. Even my Animal Crossing island has extensive lore, 8 player characters, and is a huge escape for me.

All I really do is write. I want to be a part of something. I want to have friends and to actually feel alive for once. I want my life to have a meaning. I want a reason. A reason to feel empowered. I’ve never had anything like that. I’ve never felt empowered.

My parents don’t understand how I feel, and what I go through. My mom never takes me seriously, always mocks me, calls me overly-dramatic, sensitive, and says I’m emo. My dad, on the other hand, is just super-unaware. My mom and dad have no idea that this is to the point where I sometimes fantasize about being dead and/or suicide. I don’t necessarily want them to know either, I don’t want them to freak out. I just wish they knew how hard it was.

I can’t do exercise (or even most things that require standing) because of my exercise intolerance, which really limits the kind of activities I can do. I feel this contributes greatly to my problems. When I’m at the mall I have to find a seat every 2-3 minutes, it’s that bad.

Honestly, I feel like I still haven’t even listed half of my woes. But really, shouldn’t my life actually be wonderful? I was born in a world of opportunity, and in a free country. There is really nothing holding me back compared to people born in places like Syria and Afghanistan. So why am I not feeling blessed for my situation and thriving?

Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m honestly so lost. I really don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for making you read all this. (Actually, I’m actually not even expecting anyone to read even half of this to be honest. If you actually read all of this, then you’re insane. Have a cookie and thank you. You don’t have to respond because I’d feel awful if I made you have to reply...)

 

[Xara]

i think you might be me - we’re going through a lot of the same stuff and suffer through similar problems. i’m afraid that i don’t really have much advice for you, as i’m still kind of struggling myself, but i just thought i would let you know that you’re not alone. i know it probably feels like you are but you aren’t.

the one thing i’d like to say to you is screw your parents - they can be brutal and completely misunderstanding at times and that’s not your fault. it’s not your fault that you suffer with what you do and don’t ever let anyone tell you it is, your mother included. we’re all handed hardships in life and it’s not because we did anything wrong or because we deserve it - it’s just life, unfortunately.

i think a big problem is the mentality that’s shoved down our throats - we’re led to believe that we aren’t allowed to express our hardships as we don’t have it as bad as others. and we don’t - there’s definitely lives out there worse than ours, but that doesn’t make our problems any less problematic or make us any less deserving of validation or support.

i really wish i had advice for you - if anyone ever offers me any that actually works, i’ll gladly share it with you, but unfortunately the only advice i can even think of is of the generic kind and we both know that won’t be of any help. so instead, if it’s any consolation, i’d like to tell you that you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way that you do and that nothing is your fault and that your problems and feelings are absolutely valid. do not feel you have to feel a certain way just because somebody might have it worse - allow yourself to feel things shamelessly, i think that’s the first step in the right direction.

 

[Knave]

I can't reply to everything, because many things are way above my paygrade and I'd repeatedly say "talk to a therapist" for most things. That's the reality because most things that you're talking about require it. Especially if you're having suicidal thoughts. Therapy isn't for "crazy people," it's for people. It's a huge shame that your mother feels that way and it's actively harmful for you. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Is it possible to get counseling without her approval? If you're dependent on her, I understand, but you're also 22, so her opinion should not interfere with your choice to improve your life. Onto some advice I feel "qualified" to give.

I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no siblings, I’m always alone, I’m mixed-race, I’m a lesbian, I have autism spectrum disorder, I have ADHD, I have depression and anxiety, I have OCD, I hate myself, I also have exercise intolerance meaning I can’t walk further than a few yards without feeling out of breath, the cause is unknown but the symptoms actually point to undiagnosed heart failure. (It could very well be something else, but I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.)

For the exercise intolerance, how many doctors have you seen about this? Have you asked them to look into the heart failure? Whatever the reason is, the symptoms are very troubling and you should never give up looking for answers. Also, some of your complaints are 100% not bad things. Being a lesbian? Rock on! Mixed race? What's wrong with that? Being on the spectrum isn't "wrong" either, etc.

I’m 22 and I never really had any friends outside of the Internet. Whenever I made a friend, they never stuck around for long. I always would end up losing them to how awkward I was. We would end up drifting apart and I would always blame myself for not reaching out in time. I’m so lonely all the time. I envied people who had friends for my entire life. In high school, everyone had a friend group and always looked so close. I’ve never had anything like that with anyone.

What are you into? As an adult, most friendships start from shared interests. There must be people out there who will be mature and accept you for who you are.

Honestly, I feel like I still haven’t even listed half of my woes. But really, shouldn’t my life actually be wonderful? I was born in a world of opportunity, and in a free country. There is really nothing holding me back compared to people born in places like Syria and Afghanistan. So why am I not feeling blessed for my situation and thriving?

No, and don't make yourself feel worse because you don't live in danger. We shouldn't accepting living in pain because people might have it worse somewhere else. This isn't a contest and all people deserve happiness. That includes you. And don't minimize your own suffering. It was painful to read this because there are a lot of unfortunate factors at play. Living in a free country doesn't exclude you from feeling depressed.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m honestly so lost. I really don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for making you read all this. (Actually, I’m actually not even expecting anyone to read even half of this to be honest. If you actually read all of this, then you’re insane. Have a cookie and thank you. You don’t have to respond because I’d feel awful if I made you have to reply...)

Also, don't apologize for non-issues. Don't apologize for voicing your concerns and feelings.

 

[Midoriya]

Hey, just wanted to say I’ve read all of this and I can relate in some ways. I was born with Aspergers (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) and excluded every day of lunch in middle school. I was thought of as different. Well you know what? Being different is okay. I embrace differences and I went to a private high school that embraced differences. I grew up being serious my entire life until I developed a sense of humor in high school. I made friends, acquaintances, and memories I will never forget. And then I went to university as well. I didn’t just go to university, but I graduated. I still had difficult times while there and I honestly wanted to quit at times, but I didn’t. I’m still not where I want to be in life, in fact, I’m far from it. But every day I’m working a bit more, a bit harder, a bit faster, a bit smarter, chipping away at my insecurities and going against what’s normal. Because honestly? Normal is overrated.

Why am I telling you this? Because the most important thing I’ve found is to be true to yourself and work at what you want to do, not what others want for you. There are plenty of people in the same boat as you, dealing with some of the same and similar things. And you know what’s really amazing? A lot of these people have gone on to have lives that aren’t just successful, but inspiring as well. Some of them role models in fact.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in life is to not be too hard on myself. I was unbelievably hard on myself going through school because failure wasn’t even something I wanted to think about. But it’s okay to take breaks, to self reflect, to make mistakes, and to not be too hard on yourself. These are the times where you can recharge and really think about what‘s important to you.

There’s so much more I want to say to be honest, but just know this. No matter what kinds of hardships, successes, and struggles you go through in life, you are not alone. I hope you feel better soon, and if you ever need to vent we’re here for you.

 

[_Rainy_]

Hey, I read the entire thing because I can relate, but also because you deserve to be heard. I don’t usually like to talk about my personal stuff, But I have ADHD ( the inattentive type) major depression, social anxiety, and PTSD. You aren’t alone. What helps me is to just talk, my therapist will just sit and listen and it feels amazing to be heard. You need to get to a place where you can love yourself for who you are and not who you think you should be. But that takes time and practice. I’ve always been viewed negatively because Im shy and don’t talk. Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad that I want to run away. My parents accused me of being lazy because I couldn’t retain information like other people. But all of those people’s opinions don’t matter to me anymore. You can get there don’t give up!

 

[frogger1780]

So... how exactly is that accomplished?

Not to reveal my Tragic Backstory all of a sudden, or to recount the pathetic sob-story that is my life, or anything, but... (*a tiny violin starts playing out of nowhere*)... Oh no, it’s happening anyway...

But whatever. Yeah. Basically I’m the exact kind of person you’d see if you looked up “unfortunate” in the dictionary. And it just hurts. I would give anything to be anyone else besides me.

I’m fat, I’m ugly, I have no siblings, I’m always alone, I’m mixed-race, I’m a lesbian, I have autism spectrum disorder, I have ADHD, I have depression and anxiety, I have OCD, I hate myself, I also have exercise intolerance meaning I can’t walk further than a few yards without feeling out of breath, the cause is unknown but the symptoms actually point to undiagnosed heart failure. (It could very well be something else, but I wouldn’t be surprised, to be honest.)

Ever since I was little I was bullied for being different. I didn’t understand why. Why I was different, why I was being bullied. I just knew it made me feel bad. But nobody understood how I felt. Even my parents and teachers added to this because they punished me for having autism and for acting different from other kids. They wanted me to be normal and to fit in. It got to the point where I learned to act like everyone else, but it was no longer me. My true self was being repressed. It’s exhausting to act like everyone else too. Just because I can, doesn’t mean it’s easy. Also since I had autism, everyone treated me like I was dumb and I always doubted my own intelligence. I believed I was a very stupid person for a very long time. (I still kind of do, honestly...)

I’m 22 and I never really had any friends outside of the Internet. Whenever I made a friend, they never stuck around for long. I always would end up losing them to how awkward I was. We would end up drifting apart and I would always blame myself for not reaching out in time. I’m so lonely all the time. I envied people who had friends for my entire life. In high school, everyone had a friend group and always looked so close. I’ve never had anything like that with anyone.

I have hated myself my entire life, since I first even learned the concept of “self.” I thought it was normal up until I was 13, I was on the school bus calling myself ugly and saying I wanted to mutilate my face and the bus driver said she wanted to cry hearing me say those words. Up until that point, I thought everyone had those feelings sometimes. I wasn’t fully aware of my psychological problems until I was 13. I asked my mom if I could go to therapy. My mom is very prejudiced when it comes to mentally ill and disabled people, so she yelled at me for saying that. When I was 6 she even taught me “Therapy is a place where crazy people go.”

You might not know this, but ADHD also sometimes comes with something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which basically makes you very sensitive and easily-hurt by criticism and negative remarks. It isn’t because we’re “weak” or “thin-skinned,” it’s actually because of genetics. I have RSD myself and it really makes me awful in social situations. I only learned about this last year, so for many years I had no idea what was wrong with me and thought I was an overly-sensitive coward.

It hurts so much when I see people living great and successful lives. I can’t even watch shows like America’s Got Talent because I feel so awful knowing those people are doing amazing things at often such young ages, and I’m imprisoned by my insecurities. All I do is sit at home and create fantasy worlds in my heads that resemble the life I wish I could have. I create a character that represents me in all my stories, and I usually surround them with friends I wish I could have. Because I know that deep down, I’m never going to life that life for real, so the least I can do is get lost in a fictional pretend world where I am living that sort of life. Even my Animal Crossing island has extensive lore, 8 player characters, and is a huge escape for me.

All I really do is write. I want to be a part of something. I want to have friends and to actually feel alive for once. I want my life to have a meaning. I want a reason. A reason to feel empowered. I’ve never had anything like that. I’ve never felt empowered.

My parents don’t understand how I feel, and what I go through. My mom never takes me seriously, always mocks me, calls me overly-dramatic, sensitive, and says I’m emo. My dad, on the other hand, is just super-unaware. My mom and dad have no idea that this is to the point where I sometimes fantasize about being dead and/or suicide. I don’t necessarily want them to know either, I don’t want them to freak out. I just wish they knew how hard it was.

I can’t do exercise (or even most things that require standing) because of my exercise intolerance, which really limits the kind of activities I can do. I feel this contributes greatly to my problems. When I’m at the mall I have to find a seat every 2-3 minutes, it’s that bad.

Honestly, I feel like I still haven’t even listed half of my woes. But really, shouldn’t my life actually be wonderful? I was born in a world of opportunity, and in a free country. There is really nothing holding me back compared to people born in places like Syria and Afghanistan. So why am I not feeling blessed for my situation and thriving?

Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m honestly so lost. I really don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for making you read all this. (Actually, I’m actually not even expecting anyone to read even half of this to be honest. If you actually read all of this, then you’re insane. Have a cookie and thank you. You don’t have to respond because I’d feel awful if I made you have to reply...)

I just want to let you know that even though I don't know you, I love you and care about you. The world is full of so much hate and I just don't understand it. Any sane person should love, respect, and support others no matter who they are and what they look like.

 

[zenni]

No one person is the same and that is the beauty of life. You are different, but you are not wrong. In fact, you are special and your differences make you special

I think keeping a motto or a saying that you can repeat to yourself could help. Find a phrase, a quote, or even an image or song that really resonates with you, and keep it close to you at all times. Whenever the bad thoughts start creeping up, try to get your brain back to that grounding thing that will keep you standing.

And as long as you're still here, still standing, the storm will pass. And we'll be here for you to listen to your story. I have faith that you'll figure it out eventually. Sending virtual hugs

 

[theravenboys]

I can relate a lot to the problems you're going through, particularly with my mental health and not really having any friends irl :/ I'm also an only child and I love to write and use that as an escape from the real world. Like other users said, you're absolutely not alone, and your feelings are very valid! (Also, I'm sorry your parents are so terrible ;;-;; )

While I know from experience how lonely it is to have no friends irl, being part of online communities can be just as fulfilling. Online friends are just as valid as the ones in the real world. It's definitely helped me to find people with similar interests and problems. I find I can share my problems with them and I don't feel as if they're judging me the way I fear people irl will judge me. I'm not sure what online communities you may be part of outside of TBT, but there are a ton of forums for mental health and you might enjoy joining a writing community! I personally love doing National Novel Writing Month and talking with people who also do it (it happens in November, but tbh any month can be National Novel Writing Month if you want it to be lol, and even if you don't participate in it you can still find a ton of fellow writers that way).

My mental health is still not great, especially lately, but it's definitely better than it used to be. Depression is an ongoing battle you have to take one day at a time. With depression, sometimes even getting out of bed is a struggle (it's definitely something I struggle with some days). So if there are days you don't even want to get out of bed, that's ok. And on days when you do things, celebrate those victories, even if they seem small to you. If you're productive with your writing, celebrate that! If you wrote a really awesome scene, or you finally finished that part of your story you'd been struggling with, celebrate that! If you do something cool in Animal Crossing, celebrate that! Feel proud of yourself for those things, because they're accomplishments.

Spoiler

I've also found that medication for my anxiety and depression really helps me. I know it isn't for everyone, but if you feel like it's something that might help you, you should talk to your doctor about it. You should definitely also talk to your doctor about your physical health problems as well. Finding help for your physical health problems could definitely improve your mental health. I have epilepsy, and tbh my diagnosis with that was when my mental health really started going downhill. Getting my seizures under control helped my mental health a lot.

 

[zato]

dealing with depression is hard especially when you have other problems that add to it. but don't let that stop you from trying. i deal with depression and it's never something i would wish on anyone even awful people. you sound like a very bright young lady (100% probably are). fat can change it doesn't make or define you, i'm fat but i'm losing tons of weight because my doctor found out that ontop of thyroid issues i also have lots of vitamin deficiency so talking to your doctor is never a bad thing and always push if they try to shrug it off because what can seem "not a big deal" can make a huge impact and be signs to other problems. your heart should definitely be looked at it can never hurt to have a doctor/specialist look worst they can say is your heart looks great and thats not a bad thing. ruling out problems takes time and lots of doctors working together but never lose hope just be honest with them and tell them everything you feel is wrong in order to make a plan of attack. i was dumb and hid things from my doc...don't be like me. as for ugly i highly doubt that as we are our own worst critics. therapy helps tons if you have the right therapist. it's ok to be picky!!! never settle because they seemed nice! (trust me!) go with someone you feel comfortable talking to and if you want it's ok to decide a week in that it isn't working and switch to some one new. NEVER EVER let anyone tell you your emotions aren't important or over the top!! everyone expresses things differently and have a right to. your feelings and thoughts are just as valid as the next persons never let anyone (mom,dad,aunt, uncle, friend, ect) tell you it's not. you matter. never forget that! i can't speak for the only child as i'm the youngest and live at home. i do feel lonely alot though as i'm alone most of the day minus the dogs and when my parents are awake and need help. my only irl friends moved to other states but we text here and there and send letters in the mail when we can. you can always get pen pals or look online for discussion groups for hobbies/interests in your area (though be very safe not only with covid but shady people). friends come and go in life the ones worth it stick around. things may seem hopeless now but even the rain has to stop sometime. your not alone in this, it's ok to feel empty and sad because if we couldn't feel that then how would we know how beautiful everything can really be, how much fun it is to laugh and smile? your sun will shine and when it dose you can look back at all the pain and smile knowing that you know what others only dream of knowing...true happiness. so keep being awesome, don't let others invalidate your feelings and problems, call doctors and demand answers, find people you enjoy that make you happy, and most of all KEEP ROCKING!!! =D also love doesn't know race or gender you love who you want and be proud! =) i think you have a bright future.

 

[_Rainy_]

Finding what works best for you to help depression is definitely a process. There’s no one size fits all treatment for everyone. It’s why its usually referred to as a “journey”. It can be a lot of work but so worth it when you find something that works. For me personally I discovered that my depression and anxiety is linked to my ADHD. Some people can live with it just fine, but for others it can be debilitating.I was on a certain medication for depression and people kept insisting that I stay on it, but I knew deep down it wasn’t working right for me. I even said it made me feel like a robot or something and was told that It was better to be a happy robot than depressed. I’m glad I didn’t listen. If you live in America there are programs that can help you I’m not sure what they are I’m not the best person to ask, but you should definitely look in to what’s out there.

 

[Romaki]

Hey! I'm 23 and just recently started therapy. One of the first things you learn is that you are worthy for who you are and that your self-hatred is just a product of "false thinking". You'll be taught the root of your problem and how to overcome it. You deserve to be kind to yourself, you didn't deserve bad things happening to you.

Please do go out and seek help from outside, even if it's from an uncommon place. You need an outer voice to deal with issues with your inner one. You still have a lot of life ahead of you and you deserve better. No one gets to devalue you.

 

[brockbrock]

I'm in my 20's and have been in therapy since I was a child. The reasons why have changed over the years, but it remains just as much a vital ingredient to maintaining a balance of my mental stability today as it did back then. I am so sorry you have been dismissed by your parents, teachers and classmates. Is there any avenue for you to find a therapist to talk to? I have a lot of hurdles in my life that have isolated me deeply physically and mentally from people. Due to health reasons I have lost most of my friends, and making new ones is... almost impossible. I do truly understand the isolation you talk about. I just want you to know that I hear you, I see you and I validate you. Even though you feel so alone, please know that you aren't, and even though things feel dark right now, I hope you can soon see that you are beautiful and you are worthy of self-love, happiness and all of the things you want out of life.