i mean i have the desire to die at least twice everyday so
Man, you guys need to get into some heavy metal. It sounds really stupid, but it's very true. I used to feel the exact same, I rarely felt Ok, or like anybody really got me, probably mid-teens through mid-20's. A couple friend's actual suicides, as well as a couple other accidental friend deaths really doused that fire with gasoline.
At some point a friend introduced me to a band called Hatebreed. The name is deceiving, as is the entire genre of heavy metal. It's interpreted as hateful, devilish, horror.