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sorry in advance for the wall of text, but hear me out. i'm trying to help! i was looking at several pages of the picture thread of forum users. many people saying they'll probably delete later or call themselves unattractive and other similar things. if you want to delete it later that's fine... some people want to show others what they look like, but don't want to keep it up on the net forever. i get it. just delete it later without saying you might delete it later. but don't say it in your original post. i'll explain why...
have some confidence! saying you'll delete it later or saying you don't look good, that you just woke up, insert whatever reason shows insecurity (a built in excuse if you don't get the responses you're hoping for). even if you or most others don't consider you a dime piece girl or a handsome guy... just remember that confidence is addictive.
again, downplaying yourself shows insecurities, which is a turn off for your average person. you can't expect others to find you attractive if you don't find yourself at least somewhat attractive or have some trait that's likeable (such as being funny). even if you don't find yourself somewhat attractive don't say it at all to others because psychologically it will screw you over with yourself and with others. and to be completely honest with you everyone no matter how they look good or bad has insecurities. however, when you show confidence you may not be the best looking person in the world (and you don't need to be either!), but the fact that you showed confidence when speaking to someone in general or when approaching them trying to flirt, etc. you give off an aura. that aura, mojo, swag, whatever you want to call it draws others to you because it shows personality and confidence! if you're showing those insecurities over a text on a forum when showing yourself i can only imagine it's worse for those people in person. hence me making this thread to help!
control your nerves, not coming off awkward, etc. "but i don't know what to say"... just talk! you'll fail some times, but forcing yourself to practice it will pay off as you see yourself getting more comfortable with others. thus, even though you may not find yourself good looking you will still attract people to you who will want to give you a chance, be friends with you, or at least have a one time pleasant interaction. just keep in mind that just because someone smiles at you, responds to you, or even gives you their number doesn't necessarily mean they're interested. "read the room" as the saying goes.
i'm going to be dropping some knowledge...
most girls/women think because boys/men don't approach them that they're "ugly". when you're younger the reason boys in school won't approach you is because you may not have a reputation for being "easy". most people of the male gender don't like being rejected when approaching girls. so instead they go for girls who have that reputation for being easy since they see it as less of a risk of rejection aka hurt ego. so a lot of worthwhile females get passed on.
most guys have what's called "approach anxiety" because they have the fear of getting rejected by a girl/woman. so most males go throughout life never approaching or seldom approach girls/women. by doing so they miss out on opportunities to boys/men who learned to conquer their fear of approach anxiety. to quote one of the hosts from the "flagrant 2" podcast from an episode last year, "once you become immune to rejection you're a super hero". getting rejected is part of life. if you aren't afraid of it you will find opportunities you wouldn't have had if you didn't take the chance. and those opportunities will be yours because other guys were too scared/nervous to do it.
it's a forum... we are all strangers who can't see the other users in person. there's no reason to be timid, nervous, downplaying yourself physically. and if you don't like how you look physically there are things you can do to make what you have work for you to boost your confidence looks-wise.
if you have some excuse for what i'm saying "won't work" for you, "but ___", or "you don't know what it's like", whatever else. don't have a defeatist mentality. that's the problem and that's why your perception of yourself isn't what it should be.
too long, didn't read... stop talking yourselves down and have some confidence. it draws others to you regardless of how you look (as long as you don't act extremely weird).
my private messages are always open if anyone needs advice or just wants to talk. or help with building a wardrobe that won't break your bank. i'm a fashion nerd and can explain how certain clothes for both males and females affect how you feel and are treated by others.
There was a time I didn’t like myself. I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. It’s hard to believe otherwise when you’ve been told you’re ugly in the past. Granted, I look a lot different than I did in high school. I want to say that you shouldn’t dress to impress, but it shouldn’t be the completely homeless look either. I dress how I want and pretty much wear the same colors or style every day. I’m happy with that, and the way I look now. I wouldn’t change that or try to dress more professionally to get people to find me more attractive.
I’ve witnessed what you’re talking about where people would say “may delete this later,” but I don’t necessarily think it’s because they aren’t confident. For one, it might just be a picture they want up for a few days and they’ll take it down, but they’ll post a new one later. Definitely though, you have to start respecting yourself before someone else can love you. I feel that a lot of people get into relationships to feel loved, but when it ends what do you do? A part of you feels empty, sure, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m currently in no contact with a girl I used to be really close with, and I’m not depressed like I would’ve been a year ago. Yes, it hurts and I still think about it sometimes, but it hurts a little bit less everyday. It’s more the unknown that is bothering me, though. I’m not sure why? I tried to reach out, and just no response. It doesn’t make sense. It sucks being left in the unknown, but it is what it is… It’s progress, though. It’s how you learn to cope with it, and since I’m happier with myself, it’s easier to cope with things like this.
I got dental implants earlier last year which is something that really helped boost my confidence. I’m pretty open about it because it’s part of me now. I just don’t see a reason to be embarrassed about it? I know the stigma around young people with implants and/or dentures… I’m not going around telling everyone, but I’m not hiding it for sure.
I never say that I’m going to delete my posts later to be honest, I just delete them when I feel like it. I also know I look good, but lack confidence in other areas of my life… which is entirely possible to happen to someone. So… I’m not sure what the point of this thread really is other than to tell people to have more confidence. People will post or remove their pictures when they’re comfortable doing so.
Some people just don't like to have photos of themselves floating around on a public forum. It feels safer to take them down after a certain amount of time. It's not any deeper than that
I've suffered from low confidence my entire life so I understand why some people post photos in a moment when they feel confident and then decide later on to delete them. There's nothing wrong with that or mentioning that they might delete them moments after posting. Everyone is different when it comes to confidence both in real life and online, you can't and shouldn't expect everyone else to "suck it up" and instantly become a different person in order to get somewhere in life. It's just not possible, but what we can do is support one another and try to be more understanding as to who they are and try to break down barriers and stereotypes that have plagued society for far too long.
Welcome to the forum! Given that you're new here I won't blame you for not knowing this, but this is actually just a part of our established forum etiquette. This practice is most prominent in the What's Bothering You? and What Do You Look Like? threads, but may occur in others. We warn people that we intend to delete our post content later so that people don't quote our posts and make it harder to remove them. If someone has said they'll delete the contents later, it's respectful to make sure you aren't quoting sensitive information or responding in a way that gives identifying information about that person away.
be patient moderator. it took me a lot of time to write this post and the original post out. i'm trying to help. trust me. life is about life lessons and gaining wisdom from eachother so you can better your life by getting inspiration or different perspectives.
There was a time I didn’t like myself. I think it stemmed from being bullied in school. It’s hard to believe otherwise when you’ve been told you’re ugly in the past. Granted, I look a lot different than I did in high school. I want to say that you shouldn’t dress to impress, but it shouldn’t be the completely homeless look either. I dress how I want and pretty much wear the same colors or style every day. I’m happy with that, and the way I look now. I wouldn’t change that or try to dress more professionally to get people to find me more attractive.
I’ve witnessed what you’re talking about where people would say “may delete this later,” but I don’t necessarily think it’s because they aren’t confident. For one, it might just be a picture they want up for a few days and they’ll take it down, but they’ll post a new one later. Definitely though, you have to start respecting yourself before someone else can love you. I feel that a lot of people get into relationships to feel loved, but when it ends what do you do? A part of you feels empty, sure, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m currently in no contact with a girl I used to be really close with, and I’m not depressed like I would’ve been a year ago. Yes, it hurts and I still think about it sometimes, but it hurts a little bit less everyday. It’s more the unknown that is bothering me, though. I’m not sure why? I tried to reach out, and just no response. It doesn’t make sense. It sucks being left in the unknown, but it is what it is… It’s progress, though. It’s how you learn to cope with it, and since I’m happier with myself, it’s easier to cope with things like this.
I got dental implants earlier last year which is something that really helped boost my confidence. I’m pretty open about it because it’s part of me now. I just don’t see a reason to be embarrassed about it? I know the stigma around young people with implants and/or dentures… I’m not going around telling everyone, but I’m not hiding it for sure.
no shame in your teeth. there's a lot of people who get veneers or implants who are young. it's better than however they were before, right? so no reason not to feel better!
there was a time i didn't like myself either. i took control of my life over the things that were the main issues upsetting me using positive reinforcement to adjust. you have to set yourself up to advance your life little by little. kids in school will bully and as you get older you realize even you may have done things you're not proud of towards others. as well as the people who didn't treat you right may possibly realize. generally speaking kids aren't nice to other kids due to the immaturity that comes with being young/lack of life experience.
don't listen to what bullies say about you whether it's about intelligence, looks, whatever. they're doing it to try making you think those things. so why give them what they want? prove them wrong. that's why i'm saying what i did in the original post. it has to start somewhere... and where better than ourselves? if we make up these excuses when posting our own pictures we are cementing the negative thoughts us individually and others say about us. even if it's not true. it's up to us individually to create positive reinforcement. also, those people who bullied you normally make nothing of themselves after you're out of school/grown up. as cliche as it sounds they really do it to make themselves feel better about themselves. just remember the best revenge is success. if you decide to make life what you want it to be, succeed, be accomplished, are happy, etc. they'll see it and take a look at themselves feeling stupid for what they've done in the past and them lacking in their own lives because they're the unhappy ones in the end... not you.
you're welcome to dress however you want if you're happy with it! i'm not trying to change that unless as you say the person is looking homeless. but sayings such as, "the clothes make the man (or woman)" or "dress for the job you want. not the job that you have" are completely accurate. trust me. getting "dressed up" sometimes even when you don't need to definitely is a confidence booster. that's why i mentioned clothes at the end. that's not saying wear a fancy dress or a 3 piece suit. i'm saying getting "dressed up" for the person's standards. they'll start to notice they think those negative things about their looks less often over time because YOU are the one telling yourself you're insert whatever positive word often.
you saying you have to respect yourself before someone else can love you is 100% accurate. i agree completely. people shouldn't get into relationships to be loved. because your question of when it ends you're left feeling dependent on the person, alone, not good enough, etc. that's not healthy. and if you don't respect yourself as you said people shouldn't be getting in that relationship to begin with. people think getting a boyfriend or girlfriend will make them happy. your happiness relies on yourself before you can bring another into that space. being with someone else won't make you happy if you're not at least content with yourself prior.
as far as the girl you used to be close with you said it gets better every day. there's the saying, "time heals". don't try to reach out too much because you will push her away even more if she's not ready. just back off. when it happens it'll happen. if not life goes on, but you cannot have the mindset of "at least i tried". if when that day comes or if you extent an olive branch and she accepts it don't try to reminisce the past bringing up "old times" or feelings. that's a sure way to lose and push her away. just be normal and start over. it'll work out fine.
as far as "the unknown" or asking why it doesn't make sense... closure almost never happens. don't even try to get closure asking "why?" and just accept that you both went different ways. so you can have a chance at salvaging at the least talking again to part on good terms in the future. then you'll have your closure. if closure doesn't happen ever oh well. life goes on. realize life is filled with people who will come and go. you'll be ok in the end. new people will come into life who are far more cooler, nicer, insert whatever other word than that person was. there's a line from an old song, "we have wasted the unknown, let's start living". stop wasting space in your life for the unknown... start living. good luck buddy!
I never say that I’m going to delete my posts later to be honest, I just delete them when I feel like it. I also know I look good, but lack confidence in other areas of my life… which is entirely possible to happen to someone. So… I’m not sure what the point of this thread really is other than to tell people to have more confidence. People will post or remove their pictures when they’re comfortable doing so.
i wasn't speaking of you or anyone particularly from that thread. i looked at over 10 pages and it was an observation. maybe i'm reading what you said wrong??? you sound offended.
you didn't read my original post properly. i never said people can't lack confidence in other areas of their life, which is totally possible. i'm speaking as far as their perception of their own looks with how they speak of themselves. which is one of many aspects that can affect one's self, friendships, relationships, the perception or first impression that new people have of you. i also even said it's fine if people delete their posts... saying that some people may not want their pictures staying up on the internet, which is a valid point. if you read the post in full you would have seen this.
you said, "So… I’m not sure what the point of this thread really is other than to tell people to have more confidence."the poster before you said, "It’s hard to believe otherwise when you’ve been told you’re ugly in the past." do you understand now? using his quote to explain my point of view people speaking that way about themselves is usually due to others saying it to the person. it carries over to themselves from others usually. they're doing it because others have told them they're ugly, dumb or whatever. it's a toxic mindset that doesn't benefit the person's mental health or future interactions with others. as it is a turn off seeing someone lacking confidence or speaking in a negative manner about themselves. especially when posting pictures... setting up a scape goat (built in excuse) if someone judges their photos negatively. i said why people shouldn't be that way and used logical thinking to explain why it's not beneficial. it's a valid concept.
plus confidence can land someone who's "out of your league" visually sometimes. but if you think that way about yourself others will think, "if they say that about themselves then why would i want to be attracted to them?" or "why would i want to be their friend having that negative energy around me? no thanks!"
Some people just don't like to have photos of themselves floating around on a public forum. It feels safer to take them down after a certain about of time. It's not any deeper than that
you didn't read the whole post. i said exactly what you said. also, over the 10+ pages i viewed weren't all that example. hence this thread to try helping those people who may feel that way about themselves.
I've suffered from low confidence my entire life so I understand why some people post photos in a moment when they feel confident and then decide later on to delete them. There's nothing wrong with that or mentioning that they might delete them moments after posting. Everyone is different when it comes to confidence both in real life and online, you can't and shouldn't expect everyone else to "suck it up" and instantly become a different person in order to get somewhere in life. It's just not possible, but what we can do is support one another and try to be more understanding as to who they are and try to break down barriers and stereotypes that have plagued society for far too long.
i didn't say for people to suck it up. i'm merely giving people who may have a hard time with themselves a different perspective to better themselves. concerning how they feel towards themselves physically. if someone is unhappy with how they look or can't at the least accept how they look then they have to start the process to change their perception of themselves or they'll never be happy.
if you read what i said originally i didn't tell people it was instant. it's a process. and the process has to start with you individually as it will 99% of the time notstart anywhere else.
not sure why people are defending toxic self mental behavior that sets themselves up for failure. the goal should be to try making people understand how what they're doing or thinking may not help them in the long run to start the process. these are things any friends of yours (not acquaintances) should be doing for the person as a true friend. if the person doesn't want to take another person's wisdom, knowledge, life experience, whatever you want to say into consideration than they're their own problem for accepting defeatism. and can't be dumbfounded when people stop being their friend, stop asking them to hang out, stop inviting them to parties, whatever else. most people don't want that negative self energy from others around them... as the people you spend the most time with rub off on you and you on them.
by the way, i am supporting them. that's why i've spent much time putting thought, rough drafts, and actually reading other people's posts for others.
Welcome to the forum! Given that you're new here I won't blame you for not knowing this, but this is actually just a part of our established forum etiquette. This practice is most prominent in the What's Bothering You? and What Do You Look Like? threads, but may occur in others. We warn people that we intend to delete our post content later so that people don't quote our posts and make it harder to remove them. If someone has said they'll delete the contents later, it's respectful to make sure you aren't quoting sensitive information or responding in a way that gives identifying information about that person away.
i understand what you're saying and the reasoning for saying the they'll delete it later part. however, that's not my main point. i'm talking mainly about the people who say something negative about themselves when posting their picture. it's as though they're setting up an excuse if someone even thinks something negative concerning their picture. then they "at least" have a "justification".
literally everyone has insecurities, which is the point i'm trying to make to the people posting themselves who may not be confident in their appearance. so why beat yourself up thinking these negative things? counterproductive. for example some people aren't photogenic. i include myself in that. however, i'm not going to post my picture including with it, "sorry guys. i'm not very photogenic. i have bed head because my cat woke me up. lmfao!" (even though i don't have a cat, but you get my point). i would just post it not putting a scape goat excuse into existence "just in case" someone judges my looks... because it's not the mindset i want for myself. also, because in the end i don't care if random people on a forum like my picture or not. and neither should others. i'd be posting it because i want to with no negative processes towards the photo i chose. sometimes confidence is more appealing than looks. another point i was trying to make.
post what you got, share your looks so people can put a face to the name, be happy and don't let not being confident keep you from conquering other aspects of life.
edit: i just realized how long it took me to read your posts and write a well thought out response to everyone proof reading my reply. i won't respond further to this thread because i said what i had to say originally and said enough in my replies to explain further. accept it or don't. if people want to be content with thinking negatively of themselves that's another day of life wasted. that's all i can say.
anyone is more than welcome to PM me if you want to talk about life related stuff. good luck everyone.
be patient moderator. it took me a lot of time to write this post and the original post out. i'm trying to help. trust me. life is about life lessons and gaining wisdom from eachother so you can better your life by getting inspiration or different perspectives.
We can see that you're trying to help, and we understand the point you're trying to make.
However, the post you just dismissed completely was only clarifying why those posts are structured the way they are, because having a brand new user look through several pages of people's IRL photos only to leave strange comments and wrong assumptions has made a lot of people very uncomfortable.
Welcome to the forums! But please understand that this site is meant for discussion. It is not like Twitter where you write up anything that comes to mind and abandon ship when people start to disagree.
I was debating on whether or not to say anything else but the more I thought about it the more I wanted to. Not to be nasty or start an argument but to highlight that everyone deals with life differently including confidence both on and offline. Some words can be encouraging and to others it can be triggering because of different life experiences
At the end of the day everyone is fighting a battle that not everyone else necessarily knows about. We need to be a little kinder and more understanding that everyone is different when it comes to life itself. Sometimes all it takes is a shoulder to lean on or offering some words of encouragement (without being condescending or patronising) in order to boost someone’s confidence. Life just isn’t black and white and what works for one won’t always work for another.
I hope you continue to enjoy the forum though as there’s a lot of amazing people on here that unknowingly make life a little brighter for others on a daily basis.
i definitely don't think this is a "one size fits all" situation. i, for example, constantly say, "i'm ugly," but 95% of the time when i look in the mirror, i actually think i'm really pretty. for me, it's more a case of saying it so that it's less likely to matter/hurt if/when others do. since i don't genuinely mean it or take it seriously when i say it about myself, i'm not likely to take it seriously if someone else says it about me either. can't upset me by saying "you're ugly" if my default response is "i know lol" and don't actually take it to heart.
i also think trying to boil this down to women valuing their appearance based largely on how men might/will perceive them and/or whether or not they'll appeal to men is, uh... not great lmao.
I have low self confidence and I agree that using self deprecating humour only makes things worse for yourself, even though it's an addicting coping mechanism. Fake it til you make it is far easier said than done though and building confidence isn't as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes time, little by little. Having the courage to post a pic in general is pretty awesome and should be applauded imo, even if they delete later. It's those baby steps!
you didn't read the whole post. i said exactly what you said. also, over the 10+ pages i viewed weren't all that example. hence this thread to try helping those people who may feel that way about themselves.
???? No, you didn't. You just went on a long-winded tangent about confidence
"over 10+ pages I viewed" okay, I don't see anything wrong with exploring the selfies general. But like, you shouldn't go around saying you've combed through dozens of pages having just joined. I would have kept that to myself
Welcome to the forum! Given that you're new here I won't blame you for not knowing this, but this is actually just a part of our established forum etiquette. This practice is most prominent in the What's Bothering You? and What Do You Look Like? threads, but may occur in others. We warn people that we intend to delete our post content later so that people don't quote our posts and make it harder to remove them. If someone has said they'll delete the contents later, it's respectful to make sure you aren't quoting sensitive information or responding in a way that gives identifying information about that person away.
I want to start by saying I understand where OP is coming from and it's not necessarily bad advice. Your heart seems to be on the right place, I just want to share a couple of thoughts I have on this subject.
I struggle with self confidence on the daily, my mind flits back and fourth between "I'm the best, cutest, funniest, person I know" and "I'm worthless, a disgusting sack of fat". I've dealt with these emotions for over two decades now.
Regardless of if I'm thinking logically about it, mental health can be very difficult, especially if you're neurodivergent and don't have the resources to seek help.
OP's line of thinking seems to be if you act like you're confident, somehow you'll eventually actually feel that confidence but that's not always true. Mental health issues are entirely too complicated for a one-size-fits-all solution like "fake it till you make it". It can be frustrating to hear over and over again the same non working "simple soultion" to such a deep routed issue that is directly linked to someone's ego. Self confidence issues can come from many different places and need to be addressed on a person by person basis.
OP mentioned that they have a background in fashion and would like to help others find a style to help them present themselves in a certain way to others. I think this would be an interesting thread idea and would love to see what styles they can come up with.
Yeah, no. I wasn’t offended. You interpreted what I said wrong. I understand the point you’re trying to make, but I stand by what I said. I also DID in fact read your post in full. I read almost every post in full in the sub-forums of this forum that I frequent on a daily basis, setting aside a little bit of time for it each day. I’m not someone to skip important details. As the poster above me mentioned, confidence is not a one-solution-for-all thing.
By the way, I can’t really relate to that last bit you said. I was shunned every day growing up. In public middle school I LITERALLY sat by myself at lunch every day, at a long table, because no one wanted to associate with the “freak”. However, I switched to private school for both high school and university and improved into a better person on my own, and now I have more friends than I know what to do with. Couldn’t really say I care about landing someone who’s out of my league either. Nice try though.
I’m done responding with this message. Any other quotes of myself will receive no reply.
the last time i'll entertain it then you're all on your own. i said what i needed to originally already. if people don't want to listen to it as they're currently not listening putting words in my mouth, skipping over things i've said, etc. then that's your problem and no one's forcing you to engage. however, after i'm no longer entertaining it because i don't allow people to be an anchor in my life wasting hours upon hours of my time accepting that they're unconfident and "triggered" because they're unhappy in life. i tried to shine a ray of light. if you don't want to read another perspective that's your fault for being stubborn. <3 the only thing i'll respond to is the fashion nerd stuff. <3
We can see that you're trying to help, and we understand the point you're trying to make.
However, the post you just dismissed completely was only clarifying why those posts are structured the way they are, because having a brand new user look through several pages of people's IRL photos only to leave strange comments and wrong assumptions has made a lot of people very uncomfortable.
Welcome to the forums! But please understand that this site is meant for discussion. It is not like Twitter where you write up anything that comes to mind and abandon ship when people start to disagree.
only because you're saying things, which aren't true...
"because having a brand new user look through several pages of people's IRL photos only to leave strange comments and wrong assumptions has made a lot of people very uncomfortable"
let me address the above first. the purpose of that thread as well as any thread is for people to look through several pages and read to get the context. just as i looked through and read several pages of a DS/GBA thread someone has up this morning and replied to it, just as i read people's replies and posted in the top 100 games by IGN thread, several pages and threads from the ACNL threads seeing if i can help anyone with trades or seeing if anyone is offering an ACNL service i want. me creating this thread is "leaving strange comments"? as for me being a new user looking at that you do realize even guest users are able to view every section minus your moderator private section, which every forum has, correct?
you're also assuming it's made people uncomfortable. yet there are people who are agreeing with me too. so because they agree with me does that mean them agreeing is making people "uncomfortable" as well?... (logic). in discussions there will be people who agree and disagree. just because you disagree and choose not to read what i said properly doesn't mean your view of "a lot" of people being uncomfortable is accurate.
the first user who replied to the thread didn't 100% agree with what i said, but they made a civil post with valid points to create discussion, which caused me to reply to their examples creating a civil discourse. honestly the people who are being critical of themselves in the photo thread when posting themselves is saddening because you can see they're creating a safety net if it doesn't go as they hoped. it's unhealthy.
"has made a lot of people very uncomfortable". there's a thing called having a thick skin. there's nothing uncomfortable about saying people should be more confident. confidence is a good thing. being cocky or toxic towards yourself by basically calling yourself ugly isn't.
i absolutely didn't dismiss where chris clarified "why those posts are structured the way they are". you chose not to read where i responded to that in my last post. again... i addressed it and replied. and the clarification chris was making was not the main point i was speaking of trying to make. again, if you read my last post. people not wanting photos of themselves staying up for a long time has nothing to do with the main point, which was people criticizing themselves in the photo they're posting to have a justification if people look at their pictures not finding them attractive. it's sort of how people will casually cover their stomachs with their arm or hand at the beach in selfies or when people cover their mouths when they smile. it's a mechanism and shows lack of self confidence.
the reason i'm "jumping ship" is because if it's taking me over an hour to read and reply to everyone's posts in my last post then obviously my time is more valuable elsewhere if people aren't reading what i'm saying, which they're disagreeing with. if i am reading everyone's replies and they aren't reading my replies... that's not a "discussion". the only people dismissing what you said the purpose of the forum is (which is discussion) are the people who commented my first post without reading it properly then put words in my mouth of things i never said. as you did in your post " " and a couple others did in theirs.
i'm fine if people disagree or agree with me. what i'm not fine with is entertaining trying to have a discussion with someone who didn't read what i said properly or them trying to make points i never implied. hence why i'm "jumping ship". if that's being done it's not worth me spending over an hour to write back over and over further. a discussion is when both parties listen and actually pay attention. that's not what certain posters were doing.
respectfully, the only thing you're trying to do is bait a newer member so you can flail your mod privs around. have a happy sunday.
Some words can be encouraging and to others it can be triggering because of different life experiences
At the end of the day everyone is fighting a battle that not everyone else necessarily knows about. We need to be a little kinder and more understanding that everyone is different when it comes to life itself. Sometimes all it takes is a shoulder to lean on or offering some words of encouragement (without being condescending or patronising) in order to boost someone’s confidence. Life just isn’t black and white and what works for one won’t always work for another.
when people use the word "triggered" as a debate tactic and defense mechanism. ha you're triggered because you don't agree with me. am i triggered you don't agree with me? no, because i don't need or expect you to agree with me.
nothing i said was condescending or patronizing. you chose to take it that way because you refused to read what i said originally correctly. you and people like the 2nd person who replied to my original post took what i said as a personal attack when it wasn't directed to you or anyone specifically. the problem is you want to live in a "safe space" bubble where rainbows, unicorns and cupcakes exist. then wonder why you aren't confident in the real world.
you're right everyone is fighting battles that others don't know about. just as you don't know my battles. but the difference is i try to fix mine. and they don't get fixed by accepting them and making them worse by telling yourself you're ugly every time you post pictures online to a forum, IG, twitter, facebook, etc. you need some david goggins in your life. look up his life story and his motivational IG posts such as "making life your b***h" or "who's gonna carry the boats?!".
nothing i said in my original post was unkind. you were one of the people who didn't read everything i wrote and didn't read it properly putting words in my mouth that i never said.
also, "being a shoulder to lean on" does nothing if the person just wants to be told everything will be ok without wanting to change. as i said previously, you have to start somewhere. and that somewhere should be not to post statements to have as a scape goat because someone isn't confident in how they look. recently i wasted over an hour of my time talking to my ex gf's friend with her for over 1 hour. she didn't want help and said after i left to my gf she wasn't going to listen at all. she just wanted someone to listen to how she's not over being cheated on 2 years ago when she's had a new bf for 8 months. personally i don't have time for my time being wasted like that. so i stopped dealing with her friend in general... i don't want that energy rubbing off on me pulling me down! which is why i'm saying for people to have confidence because other peoeple will do the same not dealing with said person and is another reason i was "jumping ship" as someone earlier said. i don't exist for people who just want someone to listen to them so they can feel better for 5 minutes pretending to care about the time i took talking to them accepting their negative thoughts. if you want a shoulder to lean on who will listen to you vent without you wanting to listen to what they have to say or try to better yourself then pay for a psychiatrist. that's why they exist.
some people accept that they are the way that they are lacking confidence. or their life is the way that it is. however, i want more from myself and out of my life. that's the difference between some people.
I have low self confidence and I agree that using self deprecating humour only makes things worse for yourself, even though it's an addicting coping mechanism. Fake it til you make it is far easier said than done though and building confidence isn't as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes time, little by little. Having the courage to post a pic in general is pretty awesome and should be applauded imo, even if they delete later. It's those baby steps!
i definitely don't think this is a "one size fits all" situation. i, for example, constantly say, "i'm ugly," but 95% of the time when i look in the mirror, i actually think i'm really pretty. for me, it's more a case of saying it so that it's less likely to matter/hurt if/when others do. since i don't genuinely mean it or take it seriously when i say it about myself, i'm not likely to take it seriously if someone else says it about me either. can't upset me by saying "you're ugly" if my default response is "i know lol" and don't actually take it to heart.
i also think trying to boil this down to women valuing their appearance based largely on how men might/will perceive them and/or whether or not they'll appeal to men is, uh... not great lmao.
???? No, you didn't. You just went on a long-winded tangent about confidence
"over 10+ pages I viewed" okay, I don't see anything wrong with exploring the selfies general. But like, you shouldn't go around saying you've combed through dozens of pages having just joined. I would have kept that to myself I wasn't aware of this. I went back and cut out the photos in everything I quoted. I'll keep this in mind
you don't know what tangent means. if i went on a tangent i would be going into the new horizons section bringing up something the section has nothing to do with. such as saying why i may like pink jellybeans only and why i don't like green ones... however, i'm the creator of this thread and created the topic to be discussed. that's not going off on a tangent if i'm creating it.
you do realize the purpose of message boards (forums) is for people to "comb through" as you said pages to be a part of the conversation, to understand the context of what's being said, etc, right?? there are some people out there too who only read the first post then post their reply reading no one else's reply. that's not being part of a discussion. that's giving your 2 cents being a back seat driver. and the reason i went through that many pages in the pictures thread is to see if it was a reoccurring pattern, which it was. and not to single out any particular person by only looking at the first page or the last page.
you said. "I wasn't aware of this. I went back and cut out the photos in everything I quoted. I'll keep this in mind"
so much for forum etiquette of that section, eh mods?
you're having a panic attack because i "just joined" and looked at a pictures thread, which is the purpose of the thread? haha yet you don't have a panic attack over guests being able to do the same with no account? logic? ha it goes back to what i was saying about people's lack of confidence. if you're "uncomfortable" that someone looked at pictures you or the people in question posted because that's what the thread is about!!!!... then don't post them online at all. realistically you, me, anyone on this forum, or the majority of people in the human race are that important for anyone to care what we look like or who we are. we are a cog in the world's life circle. if it makes you feel better i'll gladly post a photo of myself.
I want to start by saying I understand where OP is coming from and it's not necessarily bad advice. Your heart seems to be on the right place, I just want to share a couple of thoughts I have on this subject.
I struggle with self confidence on the daily, my mind flits back and fourth between "I'm the best, cutest, funniest, person I know" and "I'm worthless, a disgusting sack of fat". I've dealt with these emotions for over two decades now.
Regardless of if I'm thinking logically about it, mental health can be very difficult, especially if you're neurodivergent and don't have the resources to seek help.
OP's line of thinking seems to be if you act like you're confident, somehow you'll eventually actually feel that confidence but that's not always true. Mental health issues are entirely too complicated for a one-size-fits-all solution like "fake it till you make it". It can be frustrating to hear over and over again the same non working "simple soultion" to such a deep routed issue that is directly linked to someone's ego. Self confidence issues can come from many different places and need to be addressed on a person by person basis.
OP mentioned that they have a background in fashion and would like to help others find a style to help them present themselves in a certain way to others. I think this would be an interesting thread idea and would love to see what styles they can come up with.
you're right. it's not a fix all for everyone, but it can help the majority. and it can help the majority because most people are only critical of themselves because they have a defeatist mentality due to people who bully them as the first person who replied to my thread stated. then there are others as you said who have difficulty due to other reasons mentally.
it's not a "fake it until you make it" necessarily. if you watch on youtube the video of steve harvey talking about foreman positive and foreman negative if you wake up and the first thing you're thinking is negative chances are you will create more negative and destructive thoughts and actions to follow. people who have addictive personalities for example. it creates more confidence and draws people to you. if your personality is always negative it won't draw people to you. they'll be repulsed by the negativity which is the main point i'm making in the thread.
i'll break this part up randomly to make it easier to read for you: fashion is just a hobby for me. there's a youtuber who also uses IG live named kevin samuels. a lot of people love him and some don't because they don't like how honest he is. it'll come off abrasive, but some people choose to let it be so. just as people are choosing in this thread to be personally attacked. it just shows there's truth to it.
anyway back to kevin... he does what's called "suit saturday" (i'm not telling people to wear a suit, but explaining the logic with clothes). he says when you go to the mall on saturday it's mostly men and boys wearing a t shirt with jeans or shorts, a baseball hat, running shoes, etc. but by him going there in a nice suit that fits him right (important) that makes him feel good. because everyone else is dressed down he stands out more, gets more people looking at him, gets people talking to him, getting compliments, people treating him differently. and it's absolutely true! women will approach him (he's in his 50s and had 2 brazilian women in atlanta who were 24 approach him in a gelato place while he was on IG live with 15k people watching.
i haven't gone to a mall dressed up in my suit, but i've definitely gone dressed up with far more effort than your average person. you get treated better than other regular customers, get compliments without asking for them, etc. i'm not the most handsome guy out there, but i'm far from looking like frodo baggins. and doing this has actually had women have conversations with me for over 5-10+ minutes when they should be working. them complimenting my outfit, whatever. and they remember you! i had a gamestop i hadn't gone into for 2 years and the assistant manager remembered me when i try not doing business with her even.
if you have something to talk about and have some confidence it can create a lot of opportunities for you. i'll go into clothing stores and when approached by female workers or purposely asking them questions i'll actually teach them stuff to give them more knowledge for their job to impress customers. it's also an ice breaker to practice speaking to new people, build a future business relationship with them as a customer, or want to ask them for their number.
for example one store has fragrances where you can use test strips to test the fragrance. the girls there had no idea how to properly use the test strips or how to even properly apply their own perfume. i was talking to the assistant manager about it and after a minute or two another worker came over smiling wanting to listen as well. confidence creates opportunities even if you have no intent to act on those opportunities.
there was a time i got rid of my whole old wardrobe and recreated it. not to what is popular now, but after doing research looked up what appealed to me keeping other people's advice on youtube or google in mind.
if you don't have much money what you do is buy a few pieces you can afford that aren't too "loud". what's called "staple pieces", which won't go out of style any time soon... button ups, collared shirts, chinos, khakis, a dark blue, black, light blue pair of jeans (not ripped or acid washed, etc). if all you can afford is walmart or target that's fine. you can get some decent stuff on sale, clearance or end of season sales from gap, old navy, jcrew factory, express factory, outlets for example, etc. (not all outlets have good sales). i've gotten khaki pants from a gap outlet for $15-20 before, non wrinkle button up shirts from old navy or gap under $12, button up shirts from banana republic outlet for +15-25 before that normally cost 3-5 times the normal price because i shop smart.
then after you obtained a few pieces that are cheaper you can make them look "more expensive" by spending a little more on the right footwear and accessories. such as a watch. you don't need a $6,000+ omega or a grand seiko watch either. the casio duro is a great watch for a watch that costs under $50 that looks more expensive than it is... and it's a 200 meter diver watch. the casio world time (the steel bracelet one) is under $30 and looks good. the plastic version of it goes for $17-20 but looks cheap when wearing it. the accessories and footwear makes the cheaper clothes look not cheaper. a plain white minimalistic shoe for example that you actually keep clean goes a long way. google how to clean white shoes with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. i've done it, it works. just stuff newspaper in the shoe after to help absorb the moisture and to keep the shape of the shoe from being bent or wavy. if you don't have shoe trees for your footwear in general stuffing tissue paper or newspaper in them is good for the same reason. keeps them from looking curled when you take them off your feet.
Yeah, no. I wasn’t offended. You interpreted what I said wrong. I understand the point you’re trying to make, but I stand by what I said. I also DID in fact read your post in full. I read almost every post in full in the sub-forums of this forum that I frequent on a daily basis, setting aside a little bit of time for it each day. I’m not someone to skip important details. As the poster above me mentioned, confidence is not a one-solution-for-all thing.
By the way, I can’t really relate to that last bit you said. I was shunned every day growing up. In public middle school I LITERALLY sat by myself at lunch every day, at a long table, because no one wanted to associate with the “freak”. However, I switched to private school for both high school and university and improved into a better person on my own, and now I have more friends than I know what to do with. Couldn’t really say I care about landing someone who’s out of my league either. Nice try though.
I’m done responding with this message. Any other quotes of myself will receive no reply.
there's a retired UFC fighter named henry cejudo who was a 2 weight world champion at the same time, who was also at one time the youngest american gold medalist the USA ever had. he sat alone with his teachers in school as the only hispanic student in a predominantly white school. he had no friends, no girlfriends, never went to prom, had a poor family, etc. he made sacrifices in life to achieve his dream of becoming an olympic gold medalist inspired by michael johnson's historic gold track racers (track sprinting shoes). now he's wealthy, got married, had his first child who he named her "america" because he's from a proud immigrant family. don't let what others look at you as keep you from changing affecting your confidence and going after what you want your life to be. doing so let's them win and you prove what they say and think right (to anyone that relates to). you were fortunate to switch schools and were lucky enough for things to change.
i didn't say you were trying to land someone who's out of your league??? believe it or not not everything i'm saying is directed to you or anyone specifically as most people in this thread seem to be acting. haha i'm speaking in general terms.
"most girls/women think because boys/men don't approach them that they're "ugly". when you're younger the reason boys in school won't approach you is because you may not have a reputation for being "easy". most people of the male gender don't like being rejected when approaching girls. so instead they go for girls who have that reputation for being easy since they see it as less of a risk of rejection aka hurt ego. so a lot of worthwhile females get passed on.
most guys have what's called "approach anxiety" because they have the fear of getting rejected by a girl/woman. so most males go throughout life never approaching or seldom approach girls/women. by doing so they miss out on opportunities to boys/men who learned to conquer their fear of approach anxiety."
you literally only spoke about how women think they're ugly because men won't approach them. you were very much speaking about women who are attracted to men specifically here and implying that confidence issues in both highschool and adult life for women stem heavily from whether or not men show interest in them and what men think of them or their appearance, thereby suggesting that a woman's confidence level is dictated by the behavior/interest of men. it's not. personally, men are the last people whose opinion on me i care about lmao, and i think you'll find that a lot of younger girls' body image and confidence issues are actually more likely to stem from comparing themselves to other girls around them and the beauty standards being pushed by society + the makeup industry.
I'm not sure if you are aware of the optics of what you are doing here. To be clear I'm not accusing you of anything.
Here's what I'm seeing, though:
1. You are a new member who, as one of their first acts on the forums, decided to comment about forum members who have posted selfies/pictures here. You also mentioned that you looked through 10+ pages of these pictures.
2. You are talking about attracting women and implying that you are a confident guy who knows how to get women.
3. You are offering yourself as a mentor/tutor per DMs.
4. This is an Animal Crossing forum.
Again, I am not accusing you of anything, and I only really read your whole opening post and skimmed through the rest.
But should you be surprised if people feel creeped out by what I just described?
sorry in advance for the wall of text, but hear me out. i'm trying to help! i was looking at several pages of the picture thread of forum users. many people saying they'll probably delete later or call themselves unattractive and other similar things. if you want to delete it later that's fine... some people want to show others what they look like, but don't want to keep it up on the net forever. i get it. just delete it later without saying you might delete it later. but don't say it in your original post. i'll explain why...
have some confidence! saying you'll delete it later or saying you don't look good, that you just woke up, insert whatever reason shows insecurity (a built in excuse if you don't get the responses you're hoping for). even if you or most others don't consider you a dime piece girl or a handsome guy... just remember that confidence is addictive.
again, downplaying yourself shows insecurities, which is a turn off for your average person. you can't expect others to find you attractive if you don't find yourself at least somewhat attractive or have some trait that's likeable (such as being funny). even if you don't find yourself somewhat attractive don't say it at all to others because psychologically it will screw you over with yourself and with others. and to be completely honest with you everyone no matter how they look good or bad has insecurities. however, when you show confidence you may not be the best looking person in the world (and you don't need to be either!), but the fact that you showed confidence when speaking to someone in general or when approaching them trying to flirt, etc. you give off an aura. that aura, mojo, swag, whatever you want to call it draws others to you because it shows personality and confidence! if you're showing those insecurities over a text on a forum when showing yourself i can only imagine it's worse for those people in person. hence me making this thread to help!
control your nerves, not coming off awkward, etc. "but i don't know what to say"... just talk! you'll fail some times, but forcing yourself to practice it will pay off as you see yourself getting more comfortable with others. thus, even though you may not find yourself good looking you will still attract people to you who will want to give you a chance, be friends with you, or at least have a one time pleasant interaction. just keep in mind that just because someone smiles at you, responds to you, or even gives you their number doesn't necessarily mean they're interested. "read the room" as the saying goes.
i'm going to be dropping some knowledge...
most girls/women think because boys/men don't approach them that they're "ugly". when you're younger the reason boys in school won't approach you is because you may not have a reputation for being "easy". most people of the male gender don't like being rejected when approaching girls. so instead they go for girls who have that reputation for being easy since they see it as less of a risk of rejection aka hurt ego. so a lot of worthwhile females get passed on.
most guys have what's called "approach anxiety" because they have the fear of getting rejected by a girl/woman. so most males go throughout life never approaching or seldom approach girls/women. by doing so they miss out on opportunities to boys/men who learned to conquer their fear of approach anxiety. to quote one of the hosts from the "flagrant 2" podcast from an episode last year, "once you become immune to rejection you're a super hero". getting rejected is part of life. if you aren't afraid of it you will find opportunities you wouldn't have had if you didn't take the chance. and those opportunities will be yours because other guys were too scared/nervous to do it.
it's a forum... we are all strangers who can't see the other users in person. there's no reason to be timid, nervous, downplaying yourself physically. and if you don't like how you look physically there are things you can do to make what you have work for you to boost your confidence looks-wise.
if you have some excuse for what i'm saying "won't work" for you, "but ___", or "you don't know what it's like", whatever else. don't have a defeatist mentality. that's the problem and that's why your perception of yourself isn't what it should be.
too long, didn't read... stop talking yourselves down and have some confidence. it draws others to you regardless of how you look (as long as you don't act extremely weird).
my private messages are always open if anyone needs advice or just wants to talk. or help with building a wardrobe that won't break your bank. i'm a fashion nerd and can explain how certain clothes for both males and females affect how you feel and are treated by others.
Welcome to TBT! I have to say, it's pretty brazen to assume that because people want to remove a photo later means that they are entirely insecure of themselves. Or that by saying that they want to remove it, it's entirely because they aren't confident in how they look, and therefore are looking for fashion advice. If you want to help people be confident in themselves, whether they need it or not, a genuine compliment goes a long way.
i was looking at several pages of the picture thread of forum users. many people saying they'll probably delete later or call themselves unattractive and other similar things. if you want to delete it later that's fine... some people want to show others what they look like, but don't want to keep it up on the net forever. i get it. just delete it later without saying you might delete it later. but don't say it in your original post. i'll explain why...
