What's Bothering You?

I'm scared of becoming an adult. I know it's a common fear for anyone who's reaching that point in their life, but I can't help but worry. I feel like I'm being thrusted into the world with zero trust and confidence in myself that I'll ever make it out. I'm 17 and I'll be in college soon; It doesn't seem normal to be on my own when I'm not even a legal adult.

For years, I've been downplaying my problems because I thought they weren't serious; I'm just a teen, so what do I know any better? Most people have already surpassed this stage and have turned out okay. But I think I should've been more gentle with myself, because my emotions were very strong and real, which is something I should've taken more seriously.

I'm not looking for replies, just saying whatever's on my mind. Clearly, I worry too much.
 
Too many things have gone wrong in just a few days and I feel so lonely and don't know who to talk to most of the time.

I've also realized I have this problem where I see someone I think I could be friends with, but my anxiety prevents me from talking to them. Later on, I realize they've disappeared and I've completely missed my chance thanks to my anxiety. It's happened multiple times across the internet.
 
I feel so humiliated because yesterday I posted about how anxious I was before the launch of a book I contributed to. I was nervous because I agreed to publically read my portion of the book, but I thought it would go well. Then I got there and had a massive anxiety attack and had to leave like 10 minutes after I arrived. Like I was sat in my seat at the event and I was beginning to cry no matter how much I tried to stifle it and I felt so nervous and on edge and I was picking up on everyone around me and I was just so overwhelmed. My partner was trying to calm me down outside the building and was trying to get me in a good state again but I just couldn't do it, I was sobbing and crying saying I cant do it anymore and I just knew I had to go home. I at least got a copy of the book so Ill share the section I wrote on here later but I feel so embarrassed and upset all I want to do this morning is cry. I let myself down so badly. This is a huge moment for me and I feel like I ruined it.
 
Yahoo mail is garbage now. As much as I want to receive the verification code for my Nintendo account, I haven't receive the sent code so far, the email is correct and everything, but still no dice.

ugh, just once I finally get the mail sent. I'll definitely change it to gmail.
 
I really don’t want to have to read that entire driver’s manual. I don’t think I can focus for that long.

Also, I don’t know, but I feel like every time I post something in this thread, it’s something… whiny. Like it’s never about something that important. Idk, maybe it’s because I’m still a teenager and I’ve never experienced the real world, so I just feel like all my issues are first world problems. I know this thread is supposed to be for anything that’s bothering you, but I feel like everything that’s bothering me is insignificant. I’m not going to just not post here anymore, but still.

Kind of related but I also feel like I hate the way I word pretty much everything I post. No matter how it’s worded I just hate it. I’m sure no one else even cares, but still.

You know what… whatever. Why do I even care about this so much? It’s not like anyone else does. I couldn’t even sleep for a while last night because I was up thinking about this. I’ll just stop now because this post is probably even worse than I think things I usually post here are.
 
Looks like my ipod nano (3rd gen.) is probably getting a case of spicy pillow. The seams on the bottom are slightly separated. It's hard to notice unless you look carefully. I've had it since I was in middle school and use it every 4th of July to block out the noise outside. I think that I'll be fine using it one more time before finding a place to properly dispose of it.
 
My cousin wants to drop out of highschool. His family asked me to talk with him about it. They said it was my responsibility as his older cousin.

Our bond isn't as close as my family thinks. We get together to play games and watch sports, but it never developed into a deeply personal relationship. So I don't know how to bring it up without making it completely awkward.

I've been putting it off. I feel horrible about it.

And if he does drop out, I also feel like it could now become a deep place of guilt.
 
I absolutely feel like I’m getting passed between people in The System. The psychiatrist we left a message for called back and said I’m outside of their age range. We left that message a month ago.

Two months ago my disability support got approved and the next step is waiting for them to call me and plan another meeting. Nothing.

So much of my life has just been getting told to wait by people who act like they know what they’re doing and then admitting they can’t help me. Finally reach someone and they recommend the next guy who does the same thing to continue the cycle.

My ambition for stuff like art is just so gone. At the core of it my goal was always just getting away from my parents to live and look for what I really want to do in life, to stop being exposed to triggers. Well when the world doesn’t even see or treat me like an adult and so much is disappointing it always crumbles. I don’t even leave the house any more, the last time I went for a simple walk was three months ago.

As for that one guy who really upset me I think I’m over him specfically, but I’m not at all past my distrust/misanthropy toward people. Call me a prophet, I told my mom help would be so much harder when I got older and I’d age out of support systems, I already whined here about how the lasting effect of that fallout would be more dealing with my attitude toward people in general than heartbreak over some guy.

This is something for Future Me but I should really, really save more money now because not only is getting a marriage citizenship down here a lengthy process but genuinely expensive.

I’m sorry you all have to see me like this. I was better than this. I’m tired of trying so hard to be better and having the same things happen to me repeatedly.
 
Just so very tired and didn’t sleep much last night. Finally off tomorrow after working the last 6 days two of those were 12hours . Can’t sleep in tomorrow since I have to do all the outside chores before it rains in the afternoon. Also allergies are driving me crazy.
 
Very minor, but I'm kinda frustrated about something.
I just wrote a long-ass vent about something in my childhood that I needed to talk about (in a Discord friend server), and some of the bots decided to respond?? One of them was like, "I'm sorry to hear that" and another reacted with a "🤥" emoji (?!). I know these are just bots, but they really came in at the worst time possible. I don't even know why I'm bothered by this...

I guess I see why people don't like AI. :x I don't mind them, but this incident just weirded me out.
 
Im about five business seconds away from a massive panic attack but if I can just keep my stuff together for 20 ish minutes then Tom will be home and I can rationalise everything with him > : ( Im going to put all my fear in a round of Mario Kart
 
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