What's Bothering You?

my flatmate is very good at leaving rubbish on the kitchen bench and it makes me unnecessarily angry. Sometimes she likes to use bits and pieces for crafts or wants to separate the plastics for proper recycling, but my god, keep it somewhere else other than the bench. The rubbish bin is in the kitchen, put the rubbish away!! The recycling bin is only a few steps away outside, put it in that!!

As I said, very petty complaint, but it makes me unnecessarily angry!! 😡🤣
 
Who wouldve thought that being illegally beaten by police would leave me with some traumatic feelings. 2 weeks tomorrow and every night Im thinking about it. I'm 5 foot, disabled, physically unable to defend myself - how is that a fair attack? An extra part of this for me is the fact I witnessed police brutality in 2020 and then 4 years later and (bafflingly) just 100 meters down the road I got beat myself.

I seem to only ever post on here now to be sad, I got to find new hobbies other than being depressed.

EDIT: police just rung me for the separate assault that happened to me 2 years ago. they're going to take my statement in an hour
 
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Had a meltdown in front of my boss. That was an hour and a half ago and I still can't calm down. Just spent my lunch break in my office sobbing instead of joining my colleagues in the staff room. I really hate being neurodivergent some days. I just want to go home, curl up under a blanket on my couch, and be alone. 2.5hrs to go, with a call from my boss in that time to look forward to.
 
Eye infections always painfully show me that I cannot control myself. Nothing I try ever seems to make me stop subconsciously messing with it, and then it takes me longer to go to sleep. I tried taking a shower twice in the past 24 hours (which did make it better at the time) and I have still gone back to the same stupid problems. I really hope I can sleep soon and then have it bother me less when I wake up, but I know from past experiences that sometimes even sleeping isn't enough.
 
Chris said:
Had a meltdown in front of my boss. That was an hour and a half ago and I still can't calm down. Just spent my lunch break in my office sobbing instead of joining my colleagues in the staff room. I really hate being neurodivergent some days. I just want to go home, curl up under a blanket on my couch, and be alone. 2.5hrs to go, with a call from my boss in that time to look forward to.
Click to expand...
Well, this got worse.
Physics teacher walked into my office about a half hour after I posted this going, "Chris, can I borrow you?" and I was still a blubbering mess and told him it wasn't a good time.

And I guess he went and told the head biology teacher, because less than a minute later she runs in asking me what's wrong before she's even seen me. She accepted I didn't want to talk but made me a cup of tea and even offered to get me lunch after realising I hadn't eaten.

It was lovely that she cared and wanted to help but oh god I feel so humiliated. Why can't I be normal? Emotional dysregulation is a *****. I'm in my 30s this shouldn't be happening at work. I've been home two hours now and still feel awful.
 
My dad is so mean to one of my nieces; he treats the other two different and better - just like how he treats my sister better than me. My middle niece was crying earlier and he kept yelling at her, just like how he freaks out when I show anxiety or show symptoms of being on the spectrum (like saying something that is awkward or weird). My mom is fed up and talked about moving or us keeping the place and making my dad move; she kept saying she should’ve left dad years ago.

I’m not sure how I feel even though I’m tired of how he treats me.

Aside from that making me worry, I’m doing okay. Trying my best not to think about my best friend; I’ve been feeling a bit lonely off and on even though I’ve been talking to friends. Part of me misses having personal friends to hang out with too; at the same time, I wouldn’t want them to see how I still haven’t unpacked everyone or really how I’m not taking that good care of myself anymore.
 
the past 6-7 months have really done a number on my mental health, and it's so frustrating because before then I was feeling really good about how much progress I'd made and how well I was doing. now I'm only fine as long as I have something actively distracting me. as soon as I'm taking a shower, trying to go to sleep at night, or just whenever I'm by myself I am the furthest thing from okay.

and it's weird because in my present life, I'm happy. but I'm so terrified of the future taking that away from me again. I'm so used to everything always going wrong and getting worse and things being suddenly ripped out from under me that I can't be excited or hopeful about the future anymore, all it does is scare me. I just want to feel safe and stable but nothing feels certain, and nothing can reassure me on that because I know for a fact that nothing is certain.
and I've always been able to take refuge and comfort in my favorite things, and they still make me happy to a degree. but they don't make me feel as better as they used to, and sometimes now I look at these things and they feel pointless to me, and I don't know why or what's changed, but I don't like feeling it and that's scaring me too.

and I know I should really talk to my parents about this. I know. I've known that I should talk to them for weeks now. but we've just had so much going on that every time I think about it, I can't bring myself to add that one more thing for them to worry about. I know they'd want me to anyway but I just can't do it.

edit: I caved and talked to my mom about it this evening and starting to feel a little better about things
 
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I’m going to be going in depth on my experience with auditory and visual hallucinations and it may be disturbing to some so I’ll hide them in a spoiler tag.
For those who don’t know, I have a condition that isn’t quite schizophrenia that gives me visual and auditory hallucinations. I don’t remember the name of it since it was very specific and technical. Ever since I was a kid I’ve experienced them. Even with strong medication I have at least one a day. It’s always people either giving me rude gestures, approaching me, facing me, giving me nasty smiles, or saying horrible things to or about me. Usually it’s gossip about my appearance or behavior. They often look and sound like the people actually around me so I always have to reality check things and decide they would never say or do things. I can’t even hang out with my friends without hallucinating them leaning into each other and talking quietly about my mental illnesses and taste in music. I’ve had multiple times where I’d be around family members and I’d hallucinate statements in their voices saying that they were disappointed in what I’ve become despite telling my parents later that same day they were really happy to see me. I’ve even hallucinated entire text conversations or webpages online. It all looks and sounds close or sometimes exactly like the real thing and it makes the world seem so much more unpleasant than it is to me.

A lot of my trauma from school wasn’t even real. Many of the encounters were entirely in my head and only some of it actually happened. If I had to guess it was probably only real around half of the time. I can only really confirm a few events since my friends, teachers, or parents caught the students doing it. Whether the rest were real I have no idea. I think the mixture of the actual bullying, the Psychosis over being stalked online and that everything was real, plus the disturbing hallucinations were what gave me the complex PTSD.

The whole thing is straight out of a horror movie. It makes me question my entire life. I’m very lucky I have around a dozen friends online and IRL that stick with me despite most of them knowing the existence of my mental illnesses. A lot of people would cut contact out of fear of safety upon finding out. I couldn’t even hide it from them long since they all figured it out on their own. I’d hallucinate them saying something they’d never actually say, ask them about it or mention the made up statement, and then they’d realize it was a hallucination. Thankfully they all know I’m not unsafe or anything and are nice enough people to accept me despite being afflicted with these conditions.

Unless some sort of miracle pill gets made I’ll be stuck hearing and seeing hallucinations at least some of the time for the rest of my life. Even with the strong antipsychotic that gives me some brain fog and makes me thirsty 24/7 I still have them. I’m gradually getting better at recognizing what’s real and what’s not, but it’s difficult. Some people on those accurate short film simulations of psychotic auditory hallucinations on YouTube called them “ASMR voices” and that they wanted to have them since they “seemed relaxing.” No they’re not. They are soul crushing, paranoia inducing, and horrific. No one deserves to live with them. I would do nearly anything to get rid of them. I just want to live a life where I don’t hallucinate getting treated poorly multiple times a day.
 
I've bought a few pricey things for myself this pay period, namely a new pair of Converse (bc my old ones were quite literally falling apart), that pink Spongebob plushie (which I adore ♡), and a tie-dye hoodie that I found in the mall (which I also adore hehe). and honestly, I feel like I deserve it after being stressed for over three weeks, dealing with a manic episode, and all the crazy stuff that came with that. not to mention, my birthday is tomorrow. 🎈

and yet, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I pretty much always feel guilty for spending money, even on things that I do need, but I feel even more guilty when I spend it on things that I technically don't need. I mean, I needed the shoes, but not the other things. I don't know, I wish I could let myself actually enjoy things like this sometimes. I guess I could compromise and only spend what's necessary out of my next check.

besides, like I said, I really really love the new things I got, and I know that I'll always enjoy them. it definitely wasn't frivolous spending, I've been much more mindful about that. 💞
 
One of our pets got onto the table and stole a slice of pizza I was saving from the store. I found the box opened and empty on the floor.

...I was really looking forward to that pizza. oh well. animals will do animal things. that's why we love them.

>.> but now I'm hungry.
 
So earlier today, somebody asked me for a commission on another site.
For context, there is a type of currency on that site (kinda like TBT), in which they used it all for that commission. Keep in mind that I couldn't find out how much they had, as the site doesn't show or have an option like that.
Keep in mind this was also a discount. I was asking for 150. The actual price would be a little over 400. For those standards, 150 is pretty cheap.
However, the person who commissioned me seemed to have ignored how much they had, so now they are lashing out on anybody who won't give them the currency on that site and possibly me because of it.
I refunded them and canceled the commission because I did not want to deal with the rigmarole. They also made two posts about it, the second one with an angier tone that's likely directed at me.
Thanks to that, I am going to add "Cost of the commission" in the form. It'll also help in case they say the incorrect amount, so I can correct them on it.
Again, not mentioning anybody, but..it got real ugly and I'm still awaiting a response. 😔💔
 
I read through all of the last page or so posts one by one and just wanted to say I'm really sorry you guys are going through these things, truly. It's tough and I wouldn't wish these things on anyone. I really hope that you all can get some peace of mind sooner, rather than later. 💚

---

I'm not too bothered at the moment, but I'm running on low sleep, so I'm probably going to head to sleep soon.
 
I’m feeling guilty about how I responded in a thread. It might have came off rude. I should’ve wrote thanks since I appreciated the tip even though I knew it already but I didn’t. I would’ve edited my post but it got a response and I’m pretty sure I came off rude even though I didn’t mean to >.<
 
My grade average went from 1,5 (A-) to 1,6 (B+) this year. It kinda sucks that it changed my overall grade, but I definitely deserved it after writing a D on one of the final exams lol. Of course it's pretty good either way, but I slipped up too much the last couple of months. One more year, I definitely want to get back to 1,5 for my final final grades.

But also at the same time I don't care about school and I hope we don't have to do group projects anymore. We probably will, but for two I had to do 90% of the work (and got those bums an A) and the one time I had a good group we got a B because we trusted each other too much. School is bothersome.
 
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