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dealing with parents separating?
- Thread starter cIementine
- Start date
Omg, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. My parents separated when I was very young, but they have been friends ever since and focused on raising my sister and I, and they also never gave up on us. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something like this though as I don’t really even remember my parent’s divorce. I would just say none of this is your fault at all and that no one should have to go through this. 
My mother went on a trip to see her affair while I was seeing my boyfriend for the very first time,
which was also the first time ever for me being alone in a different country (Germany to France).
Anyways, my Mom was going to see her "parents", who are living about 10 hours away from our
home.. turns out it wasn't the parents she's been seeing and one day after I've arrived in France
I get a text from her, that she will never be returning home, because she has a new man.
She was waiting to tell me until I was in France, over 1.300km away from her.. she broke up with
my father (who she was married to 25 years or so) over SMS. Like.. what the actual ***.
Anyways.. the worst is, that since I didn't knew anything of it, before I went to get my train
to France, she wanted to hug me and I was playing around like "Nah, don't hug me Mooom, that's
not cool.." so I didn't hug her, the last chance that I was ever able to hug her before her pretty
much disappearing. My Dad was obviously heartbroken of it, but I don't want to go too much
into details now how he was feeling.
My relationship to my parents was pretty good. Since I had not many friends and got only bullied
in school, my mother was always my best friend for me, literally for all the 17 years she was with
me she was my best friend, I could tell her literally anything and we would play games together,
bake, etc. However, I was never really a big fan of my father, as he was all the time away working
to get some money home.. (turns out later that my Mom put my Dad in a huge debt and my Dad
wasn't understand why we never had money, as he was literally working from 6 in the morning to
10h in the night.. he never had access to his own bank account, as my Mom was handling it.)
Anyways.. since my Mom left it was obviously very weird when I came back after 3 weeks from
visiting my boyfriend (who was very supportive by the way, thank god). The situation was really
awkward, as I never had the closest relationship to my father and I never saw him sad, ever.
So.. we started to get a better bond, but we also had a lot of fights, because my parents used
me as a communicationsystem, pretty much. My Mom wanted to know something about my brother
(who completely blocked her out of his life) or my Dad? I had to be the informant.
My Dad wanted to know something? I had to be the informant. The worst is, my Mom never ever
asked about how I am. Only about my brother and sometimes if my Dad has a new woman.
They broke me mentally and the fact that my Mother, that was my best friend for all these years
didn't give a **** about me anymore was heartbreaking. I couldn't even do the education for
childcare anymore, because of how unstable I've became from it.
That was actually the point that I've decided to move to my boyfriend, which was the best
decision ever. I was very lucky with the timing, because my Dad had found a woman that
seemed very good to him, like I've never seen him that happy with my Mom. It was
really heartwarming. Since then the relationship to my Dad has become really really good.
He loves me more than ever and I really love him as well, he always cares for me, wants to
know if everything is alright, he loves my boyfriend, etc. His new wife is also nice.
I mean, she tries a bit too hard to make me come back to Germany but eh.. she just wants
that my Dad has me back, I guess. But not gonna happen, lol.
On the other hand.. the relationship to my Mom is pretty much dead. At one point I deleted
and blocked her everywhere, because she was just treating me so bad that I ended up being
so broken I even started selfharming (don't do that, really dumb and bad). Her new man
was calling me a sl*t and that I should be ashamed of how I treat my mother (I never did
anything wrong to her, as I always treat my parents with respect) and that I should stop
being with a french, because her new man is a Nazi, so.. yeay...
Anyways, what I wanted to say. For me personally the breakup was really though and it
still hurts me to see how my Mother is treating me nowadays, 5 years after everything happened.
I'm still always here for her, but she is never for me, she doesn't even care that I am sick at the
moment and the doctors can't figure out what it is. She was caring more for my cats health
than for mine. BUT: If the breakup didn't happen I would've never made such a big decision
and moving to France. It changed my life to something good.
The aftermath is pretty much:
- I am more happy now than ever in my life, because I did a huge
decision that I would've never done, thanks to their breakup.
- My Dad is happier than ever before and he actually owns a small business now and has his own
home. He is also travelling around the world and is way more healthy than before
- My brother came out of his shell and finally found a lovely girlfriend that makes him soo happy
- My Mom, well.. the relationship to her is broken and it's her own fault. I don't even think that
she is that happy in her new marriage, to be honest. But hey, it's her life..
Sorry, that became a bit long, haha
which was also the first time ever for me being alone in a different country (Germany to France).
Anyways, my Mom was going to see her "parents", who are living about 10 hours away from our
home.. turns out it wasn't the parents she's been seeing and one day after I've arrived in France
I get a text from her, that she will never be returning home, because she has a new man.
She was waiting to tell me until I was in France, over 1.300km away from her.. she broke up with
my father (who she was married to 25 years or so) over SMS. Like.. what the actual ***.
Anyways.. the worst is, that since I didn't knew anything of it, before I went to get my train
to France, she wanted to hug me and I was playing around like "Nah, don't hug me Mooom, that's
not cool.." so I didn't hug her, the last chance that I was ever able to hug her before her pretty
much disappearing. My Dad was obviously heartbroken of it, but I don't want to go too much
into details now how he was feeling.
My relationship to my parents was pretty good. Since I had not many friends and got only bullied
in school, my mother was always my best friend for me, literally for all the 17 years she was with
me she was my best friend, I could tell her literally anything and we would play games together,
bake, etc. However, I was never really a big fan of my father, as he was all the time away working
to get some money home.. (turns out later that my Mom put my Dad in a huge debt and my Dad
wasn't understand why we never had money, as he was literally working from 6 in the morning to
10h in the night.. he never had access to his own bank account, as my Mom was handling it.)
Anyways.. since my Mom left it was obviously very weird when I came back after 3 weeks from
visiting my boyfriend (who was very supportive by the way, thank god). The situation was really
awkward, as I never had the closest relationship to my father and I never saw him sad, ever.
So.. we started to get a better bond, but we also had a lot of fights, because my parents used
me as a communicationsystem, pretty much. My Mom wanted to know something about my brother
(who completely blocked her out of his life) or my Dad? I had to be the informant.
My Dad wanted to know something? I had to be the informant. The worst is, my Mom never ever
asked about how I am. Only about my brother and sometimes if my Dad has a new woman.
They broke me mentally and the fact that my Mother, that was my best friend for all these years
didn't give a **** about me anymore was heartbreaking. I couldn't even do the education for
childcare anymore, because of how unstable I've became from it.
That was actually the point that I've decided to move to my boyfriend, which was the best
decision ever. I was very lucky with the timing, because my Dad had found a woman that
seemed very good to him, like I've never seen him that happy with my Mom. It was
really heartwarming. Since then the relationship to my Dad has become really really good.
He loves me more than ever and I really love him as well, he always cares for me, wants to
know if everything is alright, he loves my boyfriend, etc. His new wife is also nice.
I mean, she tries a bit too hard to make me come back to Germany but eh.. she just wants
that my Dad has me back, I guess. But not gonna happen, lol.
On the other hand.. the relationship to my Mom is pretty much dead. At one point I deleted
and blocked her everywhere, because she was just treating me so bad that I ended up being
so broken I even started selfharming (don't do that, really dumb and bad). Her new man
was calling me a sl*t and that I should be ashamed of how I treat my mother (I never did
anything wrong to her, as I always treat my parents with respect) and that I should stop
being with a french, because her new man is a Nazi, so.. yeay...
Anyways, what I wanted to say. For me personally the breakup was really though and it
still hurts me to see how my Mother is treating me nowadays, 5 years after everything happened.
I'm still always here for her, but she is never for me, she doesn't even care that I am sick at the
moment and the doctors can't figure out what it is. She was caring more for my cats health
than for mine. BUT: If the breakup didn't happen I would've never made such a big decision
and moving to France. It changed my life to something good.
The aftermath is pretty much:
- I am more happy now than ever in my life, because I did a huge
decision that I would've never done, thanks to their breakup.
- My Dad is happier than ever before and he actually owns a small business now and has his own
home. He is also travelling around the world and is way more healthy than before
- My brother came out of his shell and finally found a lovely girlfriend that makes him soo happy
- My Mom, well.. the relationship to her is broken and it's her own fault. I don't even think that
she is that happy in her new marriage, to be honest. But hey, it's her life..
Sorry, that became a bit long, haha
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When I was 16 my step mom, who was my mother in every way except birth, had an affair and left my father, brother and I all devastated. It was completely a shock. My dad loved her and was really good to her. One day she up and left, took half the house with her. I remember coming home and I thought we had been robbed with everything missing, and then I saw her in the living room crying. She told my brother and I she was leaving for another man, didn?t even wait for my dad to get home. She just dropped us like we were nothing. No contact afterward. Just gone.
All I can say is, I would have forgiven her...eventually. I hate that my father was hurt, he so dearly loved her. But he?s moved on and is with a really wonderful lady and are the cutest together.
You?re right to feel ashamed of your father. You?re right to feel every feeling you?re feeling right now. One day, you might be able to patch things up. As we grow older we start to realize that, even though the affair was wrong in every way, you may one day, after a lot of time, take a little pity on your dad. Why they had affairs we might not ever truly understand but what we can understand is that they were not happy in their current relationship.
You already know this of course, but not your moms fault and it?s not yours or anyone else?s. It will take time to pick up the pieces. He shouldn?t have done that to you all and I?m so sorry that you had to experience it. If you want to talk I?m here for you. I hope one day you and your father can move past this. But for today? You can be upset, that?s your right.
As for school, please look into student aid and scholarships, talk to your school councilor who?s there for you to help you with scholarships and to help you through difficult situations like this. Your family seems like a strong unit, even though one of the pillars might be cracked, you all will carry on. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the life you knew, you?ll feel better after you get through.
All I can say is, I would have forgiven her...eventually. I hate that my father was hurt, he so dearly loved her. But he?s moved on and is with a really wonderful lady and are the cutest together.
You?re right to feel ashamed of your father. You?re right to feel every feeling you?re feeling right now. One day, you might be able to patch things up. As we grow older we start to realize that, even though the affair was wrong in every way, you may one day, after a lot of time, take a little pity on your dad. Why they had affairs we might not ever truly understand but what we can understand is that they were not happy in their current relationship.
You already know this of course, but not your moms fault and it?s not yours or anyone else?s. It will take time to pick up the pieces. He shouldn?t have done that to you all and I?m so sorry that you had to experience it. If you want to talk I?m here for you. I hope one day you and your father can move past this. But for today? You can be upset, that?s your right.
As for school, please look into student aid and scholarships, talk to your school councilor who?s there for you to help you with scholarships and to help you through difficult situations like this. Your family seems like a strong unit, even though one of the pillars might be cracked, you all will carry on. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the life you knew, you?ll feel better after you get through.
cornimer
grab acorns 'til you're delirious
The same thing happened to me when I was 11. One seemingly happy summer night, both my parents sat me and my very very young sister down and told us that my dad would be moving away (to another country actually). I was shocked because my parents had never ever fought or shown any signs of trouble. They didn't use the word "affair"; I figured that out for myself after a few months. When I did, I couldn't believe my dad would do something like that. I still would not say I have totally forgiven him and it has been almost 10 years. What makes it worse to me is that it was not like he "innocently" met someone in an ice cream shop as my 11-year old brain imagined at first; he actually deliberately sought out an affair. I had thought the world of him previously but I will never respect his character the same way again.
Your dad saying he "expected better from you" is ridiculous. You have absolutely every right to be angry at him and he should not be shaming you for feeling this way. He is the only one who has done anything wrong in this situation. As for coping, time was the best healer for me. Within a year after my dad moving out, my life felt pretty normal without him. If you have access to counselling services there are counselors that deal with divorce specifically (my sister and I were taken to one but apparently we were adjusting fine and didn't need to keep coming back) and I would recommend seeking one out to help process everything you are going through. Feel free to message me over PM if you'd like as well. Hopefully to help with school you can get some sort of financial aid, there is always some available.
Your dad saying he "expected better from you" is ridiculous. You have absolutely every right to be angry at him and he should not be shaming you for feeling this way. He is the only one who has done anything wrong in this situation. As for coping, time was the best healer for me. Within a year after my dad moving out, my life felt pretty normal without him. If you have access to counselling services there are counselors that deal with divorce specifically (my sister and I were taken to one but apparently we were adjusting fine and didn't need to keep coming back) and I would recommend seeking one out to help process everything you are going through. Feel free to message me over PM if you'd like as well. Hopefully to help with school you can get some sort of financial aid, there is always some available.
my dad was found to be having an affair and my mom threw him out
idr how old I was, but probably like 9-12 (10-11 range most likely, I feel)
idr how old I was, but probably like 9-12 (10-11 range most likely, I feel)
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RedTropicalPeachyFish
GMT+9
I'm sorry and sad to hear how you feel.
Like other people have said, it's natural state for you to feel the way you feel now. But I think it's also telling you've been in a good family situation where you can trust and love them. Because you trusted and loved them, you're now suffering, I assume. Maybe if one day you could forgive him.. it'll give you a new eyes to see the world. But for now, it's natural that you're hurt.
My parents have divorced after being together for like 2 decades. In my country, legally you need 2 people to confirm divorce. My father told me and my sister to be the ones, which I did.
My family situation was being horrible since I was like 2 years old, and it was about violence and abuse and all. It took me half of my life to forgive them. Yet, it was like, shoving another hollow in my heart.
Getting over hard situation makes you stronger and more beautiful person, I believe so. It's okay to cry and get angry. It may seem hard or impossible, but one day I wish you could gain forgiveness to them, so you'll be free.
Like other people have said, it's natural state for you to feel the way you feel now. But I think it's also telling you've been in a good family situation where you can trust and love them. Because you trusted and loved them, you're now suffering, I assume. Maybe if one day you could forgive him.. it'll give you a new eyes to see the world. But for now, it's natural that you're hurt.
My parents have divorced after being together for like 2 decades. In my country, legally you need 2 people to confirm divorce. My father told me and my sister to be the ones, which I did.
My family situation was being horrible since I was like 2 years old, and it was about violence and abuse and all. It took me half of my life to forgive them. Yet, it was like, shoving another hollow in my heart.
Getting over hard situation makes you stronger and more beautiful person, I believe so. It's okay to cry and get angry. It may seem hard or impossible, but one day I wish you could gain forgiveness to them, so you'll be free.
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I literally couldn't care less at this point, I've gotten the "Were getting a divorce" thing many times (yeah bluntly like that LOL) but it always fell through. It doesn't help with that fact they they were always lovey-dovey and what not when they were not shouting eachother to hell. The insults were funny though
- - - Post Merge - - -
Very frustrating as you would imagine
- - - Post Merge - - -
Very frustrating as you would imagine
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of that. I haven't gone through the exact same thing, as my parents were never married, broke up before I was born, and I never really got to know my biological father, but I have had the experience of having a close relative do something that changed the way I saw them forever in a negative way, so I felt like maybe I should throw in my 2 cents anyways.
I think the most important thing to remember is that life is a journey and that unfortunately, the way the world works, sometimes a surprise will come up that completely re-contextualizes your life, and it can be scary. It's not really fair, but it happens. But as someone who has felt I was at rock bottom a few times before, if you work on processing your feelings in a healthy way, you can always pick yourself back up. I think the most important thing is to make sure you have a structured, non-harmful outlet for your feelings. A few recommendations: Therapy is probably the number one way I would recommend processing your feelings if that's available to you. Needing therapy after something like your parents separating is incredibly normal, and it doesn't mean anything negative about you if you need a therapist to help you understand your feelings, no matter any stigma that exists. If you can't access therapy, a few other ways to work on your feelings includes: journalling, mindfulness meditating, art that expresses your feelings (like painting or poetry, for example), downloading a chatbot like Woebot or Wysa (I've found these to be helpful, especially Woebot, as they implement CBT techniques so you can learn new coping skills as you use the app), talking to a friend, and exercise (releases endorphins and might help you get some aggression out) are all great options.
I also just wanted to say that it's okay that you feel angry or ashamed of your father, even if he doesn't approve of you feeling that way. Whether or not you can forgive him, he did commit a betrayal against your family, and you have every right to process your negative feelings about that and not make things easy on him. Every action has consequences, and your father should have known that when he decided to cheat. The best way to process difficult things is to be really honest, at least with yourself, about what your emotions are, so even if he's upset that you aren't okay with this, please try not to feel bad about feeling bad.
Just know that it's your choice how you proceed. You aren't obligated to forgive and forget just because he's your father, nor are you obligated to push him away just because you feel bad for your mother and brother. Your relationship to your father is personal, and you get to choose how to proceed.
If you ever get to the point that you do want to forgive him but you're struggling to communicate with him, you might want to consider a relationship therapist. A lot of relationship therapists will work on all kinds of relationships, not just marriages as I think is what a lot of people assume, and that can include family relationships. Having a mediator who understands psychology might really help the two of you understand each other better.
I hope some of what I said could be of help, and if not, I still hope you feel better soon. I wish you the best of luck going forward.
I think the most important thing to remember is that life is a journey and that unfortunately, the way the world works, sometimes a surprise will come up that completely re-contextualizes your life, and it can be scary. It's not really fair, but it happens. But as someone who has felt I was at rock bottom a few times before, if you work on processing your feelings in a healthy way, you can always pick yourself back up. I think the most important thing is to make sure you have a structured, non-harmful outlet for your feelings. A few recommendations: Therapy is probably the number one way I would recommend processing your feelings if that's available to you. Needing therapy after something like your parents separating is incredibly normal, and it doesn't mean anything negative about you if you need a therapist to help you understand your feelings, no matter any stigma that exists. If you can't access therapy, a few other ways to work on your feelings includes: journalling, mindfulness meditating, art that expresses your feelings (like painting or poetry, for example), downloading a chatbot like Woebot or Wysa (I've found these to be helpful, especially Woebot, as they implement CBT techniques so you can learn new coping skills as you use the app), talking to a friend, and exercise (releases endorphins and might help you get some aggression out) are all great options.
I also just wanted to say that it's okay that you feel angry or ashamed of your father, even if he doesn't approve of you feeling that way. Whether or not you can forgive him, he did commit a betrayal against your family, and you have every right to process your negative feelings about that and not make things easy on him. Every action has consequences, and your father should have known that when he decided to cheat. The best way to process difficult things is to be really honest, at least with yourself, about what your emotions are, so even if he's upset that you aren't okay with this, please try not to feel bad about feeling bad.
Just know that it's your choice how you proceed. You aren't obligated to forgive and forget just because he's your father, nor are you obligated to push him away just because you feel bad for your mother and brother. Your relationship to your father is personal, and you get to choose how to proceed.
If you ever get to the point that you do want to forgive him but you're struggling to communicate with him, you might want to consider a relationship therapist. A lot of relationship therapists will work on all kinds of relationships, not just marriages as I think is what a lot of people assume, and that can include family relationships. Having a mediator who understands psychology might really help the two of you understand each other better.
I hope some of what I said could be of help, and if not, I still hope you feel better soon. I wish you the best of luck going forward.
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I'm sorry that you're going through such an awful time and I know how it feels to have your parents split apart. My parents separated when my brother and I were both 12 and it was undoubtedly hard. Fortunately, they remain friends and actually get along better when they don't live with each other. Even to this day, my dad still finds it hard to admit to his involvement with another woman and after some time, I do think that he wants to take what he did back as he still wants to move back with my mum who is no longer interested. Deep down I think she still loves him even though she has told me many of times now that she only loves him like a brother.
- - - Post Merge - - -
I can't express enough how true this is. Regardless of what my mother thinks, the relationship between my dad and I is still as strong from the day he met me has an infant and we love each other to bits. We still contact each other daily and I always visit him whenever I come home.
My parents split up for the same reason when I was in high school. It really hurt me and my siblings and I was mad at my dad for a long time. I didn't talk to him, didn't answer his calls, and didn't want to see him. Even after I started talking to him again, I would get mad at him for ANYTHING he said against my mother or about their split bc it was on him, not her. A few years later he died in a car crash. We were on good terms then but I didn't make the time for him when I should have. My siblings hadn't talked to him in a long time when he passed. It was devastating to my family, and my mom and I were the ones who had to plan the funeral bc my siblings couldn't take it. It took a long time for us to be ok again.
I guess what I'm saying is it's ok to be mad and scared and disappointed with him bc he screwed up big time. He messed up and it's on HIM and no one else. But I just want you to remember that life is short and things can happen, and that I have a lot of regrets when it comes to the relationship with my dad because I really loved him and i miss him every day. I don't want the same to happen to you. Of course whether or not you choose to forgive him is entirely up to you, and believe me I would get it if you never wanted to see him again. Just be careful not to let your anger take over your whole life. Also, feel free to message me anytime if you ever need someone to talk to.
I guess what I'm saying is it's ok to be mad and scared and disappointed with him bc he screwed up big time. He messed up and it's on HIM and no one else. But I just want you to remember that life is short and things can happen, and that I have a lot of regrets when it comes to the relationship with my dad because I really loved him and i miss him every day. I don't want the same to happen to you. Of course whether or not you choose to forgive him is entirely up to you, and believe me I would get it if you never wanted to see him again. Just be careful not to let your anger take over your whole life. Also, feel free to message me anytime if you ever need someone to talk to.
Mine did separate when I was 10, sadly I had like no chance to deal with it in a good way; it was basically "hi lol we are separating" and I had no chance to have my say in where I should stay most of the time, sadly it was with my father who is very mentally abusing and dominant that way etc. so yeah wasn't a good time. It got better in high school when I could meet my mom more and since some years back I live exclusively with her. Didn't do me good and it did not help I was an anti-social loudmouth either (if it makes sense lol).
I hope they will treat you and your brother well regardless and that you got to have a say in how you would like it to work.
I hope they will treat you and your brother well regardless and that you got to have a say in how you would like it to work.
