Umm you skipped 6. So, I guess I'll go with 5.5
Don't feel bad, I'm a super-harsh critique and I love flawless grammar. Now, for the very first sentence. It wasn't an amazing "hook". You want to captivate your readers, make them want to continue reading, make them curious. She was in 7th grade. Everybody will figure she's 12, you don't really need to write it unless she failed or skipped a grade. Which, in that case, you would write something like
"I skipped grade 6, so I'm only 11, I feel like the biggest nerd on earth <--- Even that isn't amazing.
Speaking of the fact that I used the skipping a grade as an example, that probably wouldn't be the case, as she hates math. I'm not being clich?, saying all kids who skip a grade enjoy math, however, you need to do your own math as well as the next grade's math, to be able to skip.
Your character is 12? I hope your age range wasn't any higher. Speaking from experience, all of the "cool" grade 8's won't be touching this story with a 99-foot pole.
Also, why on earth did you start a sentence with "and". Any editor/proofreader, would tell you to
never start a sentence with "and", "but" or "because". There are ways to avoid the first two, and probably the last one too. I just haven't thought about it that hard. "Also" instead of "and" "however*" instead of "but".
**ALWAYS have a comma (or period for before) before and after the word "however"**
"There were only 2 7th graders in that class" You most definitely want to write "2" as a word, instead of the number. Numbers beside numbers like that, can be confusing. You also wouldn't use a semi-colon there. Semi-colons are for long, sometimes detailed lists, which contain ideas that would be confusing with just a comma. Or, to link two clauses that are relatively similar. Your best bet is to stay away from semi-colons. They can be very confusing.
"The rest of the kids were 6th graders, not even one 8th grader" I like how you used the spelling of "one" beside the number "8" To make this sentence more complex, more to the level of a seventh grader, maybe put "The majority of the kids/students were 6th graders, there wasn't even a single 8th grader" It also puts emphasis on how there were no eighth graders.
Normally, when writing, a single digit number, would be spelled instead of written as a number (ex: five instead of 5) that's for when explaining a quantity. However, if it's geared for 7th graders, it should be fine.
I don't think the use of exclamation marks is correct, you tend to use these after an interjection. Not after an entire sentence that contains a comma.
"And, since I ended up going to school in the middle of the school year, I ended up getting math class!" There isn't an interjection used in this sentence.
"The only bad part about attending the class; bullies" Please, just use a regular colon here. It seems like you're trying to make your writing more sophisticated, however, it's the incorrect use of a semi-colon. Also, of course, you
don't need your writing to be more sophisticated, you're writing about 7th graders.
"It was so fun." That is a missing-fragment sentence. It also doesn't make a lot of sense. I get what you're trying to say, however, maybe try this: "It was extremely lively during the game". "We had an amazing time"
"A couple months before school was about to end, the best thing that might sound awful, awkward, and like the worst thing ever, happened". Too many commas, a run-on sentence. Try: "A couple months before school was about to end, was when it happened. It might sound awful, awkward or like the worst thing ever, but it truly was the best."
"Can you get some napkins please..." Needs a question mark to signify interrogation. Basically it needs to look more like this "Can you get some napkins please...?" Or you could totally eliminate the ellipsis. (The three periods). You don't really need them. As they signify the elimination of words. They're not really needed here.
"I was guessing he was just in baseball club" Eliminate the "just". You're adding words where you don't need them.
"WHY ARE YOU IN THE GIRLS' RESTROOM!?!?!?" Okay, first of all I wouldn't put it in all caps, I would put it in regular script, however, I would make it more in a "surprised" tone. Ex: "Why on
earth are you in the girls' restroom!?" I exclaimed. Another thing, if you say "I walked into the girls' bathroom", you should continue saying "bathroom". I know if I was yelling the same thing, I wouldn't say "restroom". The most important thing in this sentence, punctuation. You used way too many marks at the ens of this sentence. Absolutely no publisher, grammar loving reader, etc. Will ever like that, they'll think you're inexperienced.
"I'm not a basic 7th grader girl" Try "I'm not a basic 7th grade girl" It just sounds better.
"I was an immature weirdo that was smart and helpful" Maybe before you say this, say "I wasn't a helpless drama queen" or something of the sort. Also, maybe edit it to be "I was just an immature weirdo, trying my best to be smart and helpful"
Thank you, I literally went all-out to edit the life out of this
. If you're interested in my further editing, you can PM me. I'll do the further chapters, too. (Maybe for a small tbt price
)
