What's Bothering You?

A member of my family keeps pulling herself into various issues/problems. But whenever she tells us, she gets annoyed or blames us for reacting to said problem. She shares her problem in away that she's expecting us to give her advice. But then she blames us for how we react.

Shes gotta stop projecting her guilt onto us. We're just helping, and I'm so sick of me, and my parents being the targets.

Im so tired of it. So emotionally drained by it.
 
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Despite having voluntarily estranged myself from her due to how she treated me, I found an active social media account belonging to my mom, and it's hard not to give into the temptation to take a peek here and there even though there's nothing to be gained from it. It's just a morbid curiosity of sorts, even if she mostly just rants about politics. However, the other day she posted something about my youngest sister having just gotten out of the hospital. For reference, I'm unfortunately largely estranged from my sisters as well, mostly because I couldn't maintain contact with them if I was going to avoid my mom due to them all being much too young to themselves have any independence from her, and I've been told she used that to turn them against me anyway by saying I hated them all and that that's why I left.

Anyway, I unfortunately have my suspicions as to why my youngest sister was in the hospital. A year or two ago she managed to find a way to email me and mentioned struggling a lot with depression (as well as confirming that my mom did convince them I wanted away from them too by opening with knowing that I "don't want to hear from her"), but she never replied to me after I tried to clarify things as well as try to encourage her that things can get better and that I hope her situation improves. Mentioning my sister having just left the hospital is just about the only reference to her that I have seen my mom post, short of a vague request if anyone knew of a good therapist for a young teenager. In comparison, she's posted about taking the oldest sister on a trip overseas (just the two of them, from the looks of it), and threw the middle sister a nice baby shower when she was having a child, now regularly gushing about the baby inbetween political posts.

She then, yesterday, posted some photos of her with the three of them. I didn't notice it right away, but taking a second look (mostly because it's been so long since I've seen any of them that I would never have recognized them as my sisters without the context) I spotted marks all over my youngest sister's arms...

I guess my mom is at least bothering to get her care. Obviously, I wish my sister was doing better to begin with, but when I was struggling with mental health problems myself prior to severing ties with my mom, she was aggressively unhelpful. She brushed off my concerns both leading up to, and during, a mental health crisis. She stood by her then-boyfriend who admitted to having to keep himself from physically assaulting me after I brushed off his completely dismissive and halfhearted attempt at "cheering me up", saying that had he done so I would've deserved it for how I was acting. Decided to try to snap me out of things with ice cream despite me saying that I wasn't hungry, and then chewing me out when I put mine in the freezer instead of eating it because I at least didn't want to waste it if she absolutely insisted on buying it. The morning after all this happened, I overheard her joking with the oldest of my younger sisters about me hurting myself while she thought I was still sleeping, and then while I was on the way to work she soft-evicted me (basically gave me an ultimatum regarding continuing to live there that spat in the face of the established arrangement and made leaving the only choice that made any sense).

She at no point seemed even vaguely concerned about my wellbeing and would continue to be manipulative even after I'd moved out, but before I fully cut ties and also physically moved far away without telling anyone. Frankly, I think that had I done anything drastic, she would've just milked it for sympathy instead of mourning like a normal parent. So, at least my sister isn't going through this. I can't really tell if my mom maybe learned from how she treated me and doesn't want to lose another child, or if my youngest sister is just higher on the totem pole. Mom absolutely plays favorites, and I'm pretty sure the rankings are oldest sister > middle sister > youngest sister > me (her firstborn).

My mom just really sucks as a person.
 
it would be nice if the month of May would stop sucking now. we aren't even two weeks into the month but it's just been one thing after another and it feels more like it's been three weeks. my surgery is next week and I really, really, really just want to be able to relax beforehand
 
I have a bit of a reddit addiction.

I refuse to post or comment on that site anymore. And though there are some very interesting and non-toxic comments on there, deep down it stings because I got mass downvoted for saying the opinion that I don’t like emojis and explaining myself thoroughly. No politics, no religion (topics that get super controversial and heated), just a random opinion. I could understand a couple downvotes for people disagreeing with my opinion, but I was mass downvoted more than I’d ever seen someone downvoted on that subreddit, and it genuinely makes me think that they hate me and wish me unwell.

I agree with this a lot.

Reddit can be a really fun place to browse.

However I won't post there because I hate that you can be attacked and hidden simply for posting an alternative opinion.

It's a hive mind. You have to agree with the general flow of thought or walk on ice.
 
I HATE FIREFOX UPDATES!!! 😫 doesn't help that it makes google not stop loading for a while,🥺 but....

well... i know it hasn't happened for a good while, but....
i blame it for the computer folders /stuffs(in this case, documents) in it slowing down/not responding! 😫😖😣

i mean, it's seeming to be fine now,😌 but still😣 i really, really hate it.... 😖 i would probably(?) be so much better off & happier if there weren't any firefox updates... but 🤷‍♀️
 
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^

i hate panicking whenever firefox freezes! 😖 😣 🥺 😫
i didn't even do anything!~ 🥺 😫

please just behave yourself so that i don't have to panic! 😖😖😣😫


edit at 4:17 pm: i restarted the internet router a little while ago... it seems to have helped alot ^^
so now i think firefox is happy 🩷 💕so, so am i🤗... but still!!! 😫 🥺 😣 😖
 
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After work today, I had to go to a job fair that my UC coach put me on, and I knew it wasnt gonna enlighten me with anything at all, but the fact that I was asked to bring CVs with me, and I printed four, to find out I didn't even need them is fustrating.
A waste of complete time, and I didn't get time to go home to relax beforehand, as I printed stuff out at the library, tried to find a shop that would let me put money on my bus pass with my card, as the first was only accepting cash, and my coworker was a lil late to let me go on time.

I knew hardly none of the stuff was of interest to me, and I certainly don't wanna go into more hospitality, but the fact that under the entertainment & events, they had a casino looking for employers??!
The bus was so hot coming back, I had to get off and walk the rest of the way, and in more secluded areas because I didnt wanna hear no sounds or people or anything.
 
Anxious because I have one dog that keeps either hiding under tables or walking circles around me as I try to walk, which is a good way to trip.. Another dog that insists on laying on me. Another dog that decided to sit in their kennel today (door open) and only one dog doing her normal thing. I don't know if allergies are bothering them, the air pressure system, or something else.
There are a couple of other unrelated concerns I have that I'm not gonna get into. But yeah, it's an off day even though I feel pretty good. I can't even go do stuff I planned because one of my dogs freaks out if I get up and walk around.
 
Just woke up and had a dream of some stuff related to the past that I don’t want to think about. My depression today isn’t any better either.

Still haven’t something in the mail.

Also, minor, I made two posts in my island journal - one last night and another today and didn’t earn tbt. I have more to post but I’d hate to make another post and not get any tbt; I’m making the posts more for fun but the extra tbt is nice since I have a hard time earning it in general and there hasn’t been a lot of places I want to post in lately.

No comments or replies please.
 
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