What's Bothering You?

I had some pretty disturbing dreams this morning, and I just woke up to hearing my sister's voice whom I haven't seen or heard from in 9 months. I really like this new medication I'm on because it's been stabilizing my mood and such without making me an emotionless zombie or uncomfortable under my skin. I just hope it's not starting to play tricks on me.
 
Threw my back out monday, and I'm on day 2 of bedrest and it's horrible. Really painful but mostly pretty stressed because I'm moving in 3 weeks and after that planning to travel for 2 months 🥲 could not have happened at a worse time
 
I feel like I've been complaining here a lot and it's cause I'm trying not to bug people too much irl. Hopefully you guys don't mind. I spoilered it cause mention of the word death
Today my dad goes to the lawyers and he has to become power of attorney over my mom so basically he will take control of all her expenses. Then me and my sister have to be added to the house deed and bank accounts incase my dad randomly decides to die cause my mom needs 24/7 care from a care giver. My parents already wrote a will but there's usually a delay after someone dies and my mom will need us to immediately take on my dad's care giver roll. Unless of course she dies first then he will probs just die of sadness. I didn't expect to have to do all this planning for my parents at only 30.
 
I’m trying to lift my mood
I’m trying to lower my anxiety
But it’s just not working
I’m so tired of the back and forth with my aunt. I’m tired of how she treats me and everyone else. I’m tired of her sarcastic insults . She treats everyone badly then wonders why no one will help her when she asks then calls everyone stupid and worthless. I don’t want to deal with her when I get home but she will be over this evening when I get home.

Mine and my mom’s phone line is attached to her account and I have appreciated the discount but every time we upgrade a phone it’s always a problem. It’s my own fault for agreeing instead of just asking for our lines to be separate. She got mad at me yesterday for not having a phone case when she never told me when she was ordering the phone so I had no way of knowing she would be picking them up yesterday. Then told me I was freaking out for no reason when I was just trying to figure out a solution. I’m just tired of her biting my head off.
 
sorry for needing to post here again.

I’m really stressed and overwhelmed; mostly from the issue I’m having with customer support and my hoyolab account. It’s killing my mood to play either games. each reply by them pissed me off further and doesn’t answer my original question.

Tomorrow I have a recital or something for one of my nieces that i have to go to. I didn’t like how my mom put pressure on me when telling me. It’s only a half hour but leaving the house for even a short amount of time stresses me out. 😔 I love my nieces but there’s that and my depression that makes it so hard.

My mood just keeps getting worse; probably that time of the month 😔.

Overwhelmed seeing more things being boycotted including pepsi products and smaller products like kit kats.

My friend still hasn’t written back.

sorry again for complaining so much in the last few days. i feel like i’m at my limit thanks to mostly hoyolab. sick of dealing with any kind of customer support - at least game wise.
 
Well, I'm sick AGAIN. I'm still going to school since my symptoms haven't gotten super bad yet (even though they're the same as the last few times - Sore throat, nausea, and headaches), but I feel too lethargic and miserable to be productive. I'm in the exact middle ground of "not sick enough to stay home but too sick to properly function" and it's frustrating. My dad is gonna try to get a doctor's appointment scheduled 'cause my brother and I have been sick like this on-and-off for months, though I doubt it's gonna get done anytime soon since waiting times have been abysmal here, even for urgent cases. Ugh.
 
im so used to being cheated on and ignored from my past relationships that I can’t accept the fact that my current boyfriend genuinely loves me and ONLY me and I get sad and worry about stuff that I shouldn’t. I’m letting my past relationships affect my current one in how I perceive and deal with certain things. I don’t know how to fix it. My boyfriend is trying his best but he doesn’t know what to do either and I don’t want him to feel like it’s something he can magically fix. He does nothing but love me and it’s so hard for me to accept genuine love because I’m so used to being hurt.
 
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I was too afraid of conflict to speak up yesterday, so I'm mad at myself. I just listened to another mom talk about her "anti-woke" stance and I didn't take the opportunity to present counter-examples and challenge her position on her thoughts on what her high school kid is going through-- but I will see her again next Wednesday and every Wednesday so long as I keep taking my son in for his after school activity.

So I get a chance to talk to her again and step up a little. She is always kind to me and asking after my family and letting me vent my personal problems, so she's not completely dogmatic, but I can tell that she doesn't empathize with people she doesn't see.

I gotta make a list of what I want to say for next time...
  • NHS volunteering isn't all BS-- high school clubs do meaningful things. Volunteering can be so fulfilling and not just a checkbox on the college application. Her son can lean into it or skirt the edge of it-- it's all available for him.
  • Merit-only acceptance in universities will mean only encountering maybe one kind of person and may prevent her son from meeting and thereby empathizing with different people. Diversity and inclusion clubs are not a threat.
  • I am not bitter about being denied acceptance to universities due to my race and having a racial quota to culminate diversity on campuses is a tricky subject... it may not be the best way to go about it, but the fairness of it isn't measured by simple terms.
  • Pushing her son into a school that fits her political ideals isn't the privilege of the one funding his education, is it? I mean maybe... money really talks, but it may not matter. He should have a chance to choose where he wants to apply; it's the next 4 years of his life.
I was definitely politically ambiguous or apathetic while in college and didn't start forming my opinions until I graduated and made some friends (eventually more online than offline). It was a time before social media and before the constant news cycle, so I didn't have to face as much tension on a daily basis; all I wanted was to graduate and the rest of the world was still outside. It is a difficult balance between mental isolation vs. active citizenship.

But maybe speaking up is still something I need the courage to do; sometimes it's better to stay silent and just listen, but I think this is a case where sharing a different perspective can be productive. Or maybe not. But I just spent the last week holding in my opinions around my in-laws and it's weighing on my conscience that I didn't even try to represent myself.
 
Knocked over a glass beaker full of 1.0 mol/L sodium hydroxide while trying to test if an unlabelled metal rod would act as an effective electricity conductor (it didn't). It took 30 minutes to clean up with what I had to hand. Great motivator when you've been trying for two days to design a chemistry practical that just won't work due to mismatched equipment and unlabelled/missing resources. Thankfully the budget reopens next week. Graphite rods and compatible bungs, flasks, and beakers are going on the shopping list.

Access to mental healthcare and treatment is a joke. If I lose another job over disabilities I was transparent about on my CV, disclosed at interview, and brought up again on Day #1 in the role, then I have no idea what I'll do. I'm overreacting thinking it'll ever go that far, both my boss and senior management are great and seem to genuinely want to work with me on this, but ugh this would be resolved so much quicker if I only had a way to access treatment.

I've a diagnosis. I've a 40-page report that shows I'm highly impaired by my condition. Anyone I've found who is willing to write a prescription for me either has a long waiting list or insists on reassessing me. No, I can't pay £1200-1500 to be reassessed when I just paid a fortune to go through that exact same process three months ago. My report meets the requirements for even the NHS to prescribe (but they won't until their psychiatrist does it 2yrs from now) - it was even written by a former NHS psychiatrist. Agh.

Trying to push this through work now to see if they can help me find somewhere that will take me on even as a private patient because right now I can't thrive in a world designed for the neurotypical person. I barely survive it most days lately. I'm sick of feeling stupid and incompetent and childlike when I know in reality I'm an intelligent and creative adult who excels at what they do on the good days. I'm so glad most of the department has been out the past 2 weeks because I think I would have cracked under normal circumstances. My colleagues who have been around have been incredibly supportive.

savanniebananie said:
I don’t know how to fix it. My boyfriend is trying his best but he doesn’t know what to do either and I don’t want him to feel like it’s something he can magically fix
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I recognise that you didn't ask for advice, so fully feel free to tell me to shove it, but I've experience with these situations (and have been both in your position and your boyfriend's position at different points in my life).

Explain that it's one of those things that you need to come to terms with and work through on your own. Let him know that the best things he can do right now are to be patient, supportive, and offer reassurance when it's needed.

You'll need to put in active work to change how you interpret situations. It requires awareness of how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. I don't know the severity of how what has happened has effected you and how big that impact is on your relationships with others, but if you find it exceptionally difficult to overcome and it is proving a huge obstacle in your interaction with your partner then maybe CBT would be a good option for you (let's pretend I didn't just ***** about mental healthcare accessibility directly above this).
 
Chris said:
I recognise that you didn't ask for advice, so fully feel free to tell me to shove it, but I've experience with these situations (and have been both in your position and your boyfriend's position at different points in my life).

Explain that it's one of those things that you need to come to terms with and work through on your own. Let him know that the best things he can do right now are to be patient, supportive, and offer reassurance when it's needed.

You'll need to put in active work to change how you interpret situations. It requires awareness of how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. I don't know the severity of how what has happened has effected you and how big that impact is on your relationships with others, but if you find it exceptionally difficult to overcome and it is proving a huge obstacle in your interaction with your partner then maybe CBT would be a good option for you (let's pretend I didn't just ***** about mental healthcare accessibility directly above this).
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I don’t mind advice at all, thank you for even noticing and taking time to give me some advice.
I’ve tried letting him know many times that he can’t magically fix my issues and that I need to work on them myself, but he always seems to feel like he has to fix them for me. He’s never had to deal with this stuff before as he’s never had any romantic partner, so I try to be understanding that he’s just trying to help me. I talked to him about it last night and he told me he would be here for support and reassurance as much as I need so that was really nice. He also mentioned that maybe talking to a mental health therapist about what happened in my past relationships would help me get them out of my head. I’ve been contemplating doing so for a while, and I think last night helped me realize I do really need to seek help for it.

As for me, I promised him I would work on understanding my perception of certain situations and I would control myself better. He said he understands that it will take time and he’ll be patient with me through it. I really think we talked everything through, I’m just really having a hard time understanding my own emotions.
 
I could barely get out of bed just a bit ago because I’m so stressed over the hoyolab stuff. I’m afraid to look at their replies; I feel like I can’t take any more. i opened a ticket on the app and HSR now since it is affecting my HSR account too.

I’m nervous about leaving the house and not happy. I don’t like when my mom asks me if i want to go somewhere but makes it where there is only one answer she’ll accept. I love my niece but being around kids, large groups of people, is hard and with depression, this kind of thing makes me uncomfortable and out of place. Not looking forward to the car ride either; my dad drives like a drunk person. I don’t have my own car and I’m too scared to drive. I’d have gone with my mom but today she had to go to my sister’s to help her with her kids.
 
I have no idea why my dad sometimes decides to watch Youtube videos of people being jerks and ruining other people's days just to get mad about it, in the middle of the living room so it's impossible for us to avoid it?? for the love of god I am just trying to catch up on housework and with all the stress I'm under I really don't need this **** right now. my mom especially does not need this **** right now. I am, honest to god, about to lose it
 
xSuperMario64x said:
I'm reaching out to a very important person today and I honestly feel so nervous, I'll just do my very best 🥲

also need to finish filing my taxes but I've never done this before and it honestly confusing gsdjsgsjfksjgd
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not gonna lie, I ended up not doing it today. didn't have the time or mental energy. hoping I will tomorrow, I need to get it done as soon as I can. in the meantime I'll try to not stress about it gsjdjsbsfdjfjd

also still need to finish my taxes rip
 
my allergies were so bad yesterday that my abdomen and chest are literally sore today from how much i sneezed?? i literally couldn’t do anything without sneezing… i inhaled/exhaled? time to sneeze! i moved one (1) inch? sneeze! i ate or drank anything? more sneezing! i looked at anything, tried to talk or had any sort of gust of air hit my nose? achoo!!! was practically nonstop for 5+ hours until i finally fell asleep, which btw is very hard to do when you can’t breathe through your nose and breathing in general seems to make you sneeze 🫠

i also have to call my doctor’s office later to make an appointment to get my meds refilled, and i am not looking forward to it!! i hate making phone calls so so bad, i literally have to write a script for myself for what to say because i am apparently incapable of being normal and interacting with other people normally!! i hate phone calls….. i miss when i could book appts online : (
 
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