The out of context quotes thread

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"It says here that by the age of six, most children have seen a million murders on television."

"I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels."

 

[Yoshi155]

*takes a shot*

Still hate her.

*takes another shot*

Still hate her.

*takes another shot*

Still hate her.

*drinks again*

Toler-hate her.

*drinks again*

Tolerate her!

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"How come we play war and not peace?"

"Too few role models."

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Not the time. Her mother died, her burger isn’t pink in the middle, and she’s about to punch Wendy.”

 

[Yoshi155]

Three simple words: I am gay.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Yes. He’s teacher’s little rat!”
*Please stop calling me that….*
“But that’s what you are! Teacher’s special little rat!”

 

[Yoshi155]

Okay, lady, this better be good.

*roars at him like a lion*

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans!”
“I didn’t know he was an orphan!”
“Oh yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?!”

 

[Yoshi155]

Strap on your vest, Sanjay. It's time for another bank run.

Alright, but if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife.

I promise nothing.

 

[Yoshi155]

My name's Patty, I'll be testing you. When you do good, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open-minded.

I won't be needing this. *drops the green pen*

 

[-Mars-]

"One day when I was admiring my glorious mane of hair..."
"Rub it in why don't ya? Some of us only have THREE pieces of hair left!"

 

[Yoshi155]

Hey, Brian, look! I was just elected president!

That's great, Nancy. Now put down your phone.

 

[Yoshi155]

Dad, isn't parking in the church handicapped spot a sin?

Not if your foot's asleep!

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

“Oh it’s such a shame Eustace died of old age peacefully in his sleep after playing in traffic.”

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water, and we're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach."

 

[Yoshi155]

Lady, you just gave me the idea of a lifetime! How do I thank you?

Please don't hurt me.

 

[Yoshi155]

Dear mom and dad. I no longer fear hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

 

[Yoshi155]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was feathering.

Feathering? Feathering what?

My hair, boy.

You don't have hair!

(breaks down in tears)

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

"Look, you need some lady advice, you've come to the right place. In my experience—"

"Pfffft!" *laughs*

"I'm sorry, are you scoffing at me?"

"Nopes." *snickers*

 

[Yoshi155]

And all we need is a little spine supplement to replace what Leela lost in that unavoidable saw mixup.

It wasn't unavoidable! You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled “Stop! You're cutting my spine!”