I am about to meet to have a late family “dinner” with my aunt and uncle with my parents at my house. They are coming at any moment now, and my sanity is about to burst. I want to say that I am very nervous, but even those words are not enough to truly represent how I feel at the moment. I am typing this in a dead-silent room and without any ambient noises. I not only feel my heartbeat, I hear it. It’s truly nerve-racking. When I think of what may unfold, I feel as if I will burst. Only the sound of me typing on my keyboard distract me from my own conscious. Please excuse this really long post.
I promised a detailed account of what happened last week. I will fulfill this promise, but I am truly doing this to contain my sanity.
My cousin was only born 5 days after me. I knew her ever since I was 4. We would do everything together, but we saw each other less and less. In no time, we were both 14, in highschool, and we both strived to get the best education as possible. Not only that, we both strived to be computer scientists. At the moment, we are taking an computer science course in high school. She was the only one that truly understood my ambitions, my quirky nature, my countless struggles. And I understood hers as well.
We would hold hands during July 4th and during New Years. Only after last New Years was when I thought of the possibility of perhaps going in a relationship with my cousin. I pondered around this idea, and I wanted someone to talk me out of it. So out of all the forums that I am registered on, I chose TBT. I created a thread asking for some advice regarding my dilemna. I got negative responses as usual, but it didn’t affect me the way I thought it would. In fact, it made me more inclined to confess to my cousin.
Was it out of love or impulse? I truly don’t remember, but I constructed a long narrative from our young childhood and sent it to my cousin as a confession. After sending it, I instantly regretted it and the posts from TBT fueled this regret. And what’s more, she responded with this, “!!!!!”. My mind was in complete shock, despite me expecting the worst. But I later found out that she sent this text message with a phone call, but my “phone” didn’t get the notification. She told me that she wanted to talk, and she would tell me a time and place tomorrow morning.
The next morning slowly arrived, and I had not slept for more than 2 hours. It was because of a combination of anxiety and excitement. She texted me the place, Baskin Robbins of all places shortly after school. I had an extra class during the morning, so I had to wake up earlier than my peers. I was sleep deprived, anxious, and excited at the same time…
If you were to ask me what I learned that day during school, I would say “nothing”. And I learned nothing, as my mind was not there. It was daydreaming a different scenario for every class, it alternated from bad to good to bad and so on… Not only that, but school seemed like an eternity long. But this false eternity soon ended, and my yearning for school to end turned into a yearning for school to be prolonged.
After school, I was expecting the worst; I knew it wouldn’t end well. I sensed it in the tone of her voice from last night and from her use of words from her text messages. I knew it couldn’t end well, thus I changed my expectations accordingly…
I went to Baskin Robbins, and she wasn’t there. I ordered an ice cream (she told me to bring money) and waited. During this whole time, I did not eat my of my ice cream even despite me not eating any of my lunch. I waited and waited, each undesirable scenario rehearsing itself through my mind. She finally came, I didn’t see her at first, but I smelled her. She carries a distinct perfume that instantly reminds me of her; usually, I would feel happiness from this perfume, but I felt dread instead.
She asked how my day was, and I replied with an obvious lie, “It was fine”. We had a normal conversation until there was a long break in our conversation and none of us has touched our ice creams. She told me her confession.
I was shocked, then felt immediate happiness right after. We were both nearly crying, but luckily nobody was at Baskin Robbins at the time. It was as if the barrier that barred us was finally broken. So we talked and talked and talked… It was endless, we described our past, our present, our future. And it was more profound than usual, but she mentioned something that immediately reeled me down to reality. She mentioned our family, what would our parents think? I was completely oblivious to this issue when we had talked and furthermore, she told this whole ordeal to her mother, my aunt. And so starts my second problem. the problem that I will face imminently.
My aunt proposed that we have a talk with both of our families today. My Aunt is an amazing person, and although she isn’t a fan of our relationship, she accepts it. She told us that we would have to “show” our love in front of our parents.
I feel the time is nearing, and I feel the same anxiety that I had felt after I had confessed. My aunt isn’t a fan of our relationship, but she accepts it. However, my parents and possibly my cousin’s father will definitely not accept this relationship. I truly don’t know what will happen, and I truly don’t want to know. I am typing these words as if I am typing my last words. Somehow, I formed a notion that I will never return after this family “dinner”. My sister is on a sleepover, my parents are watching TV in the dining room, and I am typing this. In a few hours they will know, and this realization truly makes me nervous.
I will report as soon as possible, whether my situation for better or worse. Please avoid any arguments regarding cousin-cousin relationships please... I do not want my thread to be locked again. Also, please excuse any grammar mistakes or faults with my style. I wrote this very hastily and I wasn't really paying attention to how elegant my writing would be. I would like to thank everyone at TBT for bestowing me with courage. I truly would’ve never confessed without you. Until next time...
I promised a detailed account of what happened last week. I will fulfill this promise, but I am truly doing this to contain my sanity.
My cousin was only born 5 days after me. I knew her ever since I was 4. We would do everything together, but we saw each other less and less. In no time, we were both 14, in highschool, and we both strived to get the best education as possible. Not only that, we both strived to be computer scientists. At the moment, we are taking an computer science course in high school. She was the only one that truly understood my ambitions, my quirky nature, my countless struggles. And I understood hers as well.
We would hold hands during July 4th and during New Years. Only after last New Years was when I thought of the possibility of perhaps going in a relationship with my cousin. I pondered around this idea, and I wanted someone to talk me out of it. So out of all the forums that I am registered on, I chose TBT. I created a thread asking for some advice regarding my dilemna. I got negative responses as usual, but it didn’t affect me the way I thought it would. In fact, it made me more inclined to confess to my cousin.
Was it out of love or impulse? I truly don’t remember, but I constructed a long narrative from our young childhood and sent it to my cousin as a confession. After sending it, I instantly regretted it and the posts from TBT fueled this regret. And what’s more, she responded with this, “!!!!!”. My mind was in complete shock, despite me expecting the worst. But I later found out that she sent this text message with a phone call, but my “phone” didn’t get the notification. She told me that she wanted to talk, and she would tell me a time and place tomorrow morning.
The next morning slowly arrived, and I had not slept for more than 2 hours. It was because of a combination of anxiety and excitement. She texted me the place, Baskin Robbins of all places shortly after school. I had an extra class during the morning, so I had to wake up earlier than my peers. I was sleep deprived, anxious, and excited at the same time…
If you were to ask me what I learned that day during school, I would say “nothing”. And I learned nothing, as my mind was not there. It was daydreaming a different scenario for every class, it alternated from bad to good to bad and so on… Not only that, but school seemed like an eternity long. But this false eternity soon ended, and my yearning for school to end turned into a yearning for school to be prolonged.
After school, I was expecting the worst; I knew it wouldn’t end well. I sensed it in the tone of her voice from last night and from her use of words from her text messages. I knew it couldn’t end well, thus I changed my expectations accordingly…
I went to Baskin Robbins, and she wasn’t there. I ordered an ice cream (she told me to bring money) and waited. During this whole time, I did not eat my of my ice cream even despite me not eating any of my lunch. I waited and waited, each undesirable scenario rehearsing itself through my mind. She finally came, I didn’t see her at first, but I smelled her. She carries a distinct perfume that instantly reminds me of her; usually, I would feel happiness from this perfume, but I felt dread instead.
She asked how my day was, and I replied with an obvious lie, “It was fine”. We had a normal conversation until there was a long break in our conversation and none of us has touched our ice creams. She told me her confession.
I was shocked, then felt immediate happiness right after. We were both nearly crying, but luckily nobody was at Baskin Robbins at the time. It was as if the barrier that barred us was finally broken. So we talked and talked and talked… It was endless, we described our past, our present, our future. And it was more profound than usual, but she mentioned something that immediately reeled me down to reality. She mentioned our family, what would our parents think? I was completely oblivious to this issue when we had talked and furthermore, she told this whole ordeal to her mother, my aunt. And so starts my second problem. the problem that I will face imminently.
My aunt proposed that we have a talk with both of our families today. My Aunt is an amazing person, and although she isn’t a fan of our relationship, she accepts it. She told us that we would have to “show” our love in front of our parents.
I feel the time is nearing, and I feel the same anxiety that I had felt after I had confessed. My aunt isn’t a fan of our relationship, but she accepts it. However, my parents and possibly my cousin’s father will definitely not accept this relationship. I truly don’t know what will happen, and I truly don’t want to know. I am typing these words as if I am typing my last words. Somehow, I formed a notion that I will never return after this family “dinner”. My sister is on a sleepover, my parents are watching TV in the dining room, and I am typing this. In a few hours they will know, and this realization truly makes me nervous.
I will report as soon as possible, whether my situation for better or worse. Please avoid any arguments regarding cousin-cousin relationships please... I do not want my thread to be locked again. Also, please excuse any grammar mistakes or faults with my style. I wrote this very hastily and I wasn't really paying attention to how elegant my writing would be. I would like to thank everyone at TBT for bestowing me with courage. I truly would’ve never confessed without you. Until next time...
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