The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[Clock]

Imaginary friends
How do i sew?

 

[DarkDesertFox]

You'll have to rip open a hole in your favorite plush or blanket to motivate yourself to learn.

What can I do to make Mondays bearable?

 

[Midoriya]

Stuff your face with tons and tons of cake, and pretend like you’re working. Don’t stop eating cake until you feel sick.

How do I get better sleep?

 

[DinosaurDumpster]

Don't set your alarms.

How can I get stronger?

 

[Clock]

Copy what the jock villagers do in Animal Crossing
How do I get a faster running time?

 

[StressedJess]

harness the speedforce

how can i better manage my stress?

 

[Plainbluetees]

you’ve actually managed stress before?!

my landline phone is going off, but it’s a heavily accented man telling me that my apple device has malware installed on it. I only own a BlackBerry phone. What do I do?

 

[Your Local Wild Child]

Follow his instructions to the LETTER. He just wants to save your device! There’s obviously no ulterior motives related to reselling large gift cards...

I angered a forest witch and now I have hooves. How do I get my hands back?

 

[StressedJess]

do the shrunk funk shuffle in several key locations throughout the forest closest to your home

what’s the best way to make spaghetti?

 

[Your Local Wild Child]

Make ravioli instead; spaghetti is no good

How do I learn how to fly a drone quickly?

 

[StressedJess]

shut it up first

how much wood could i possibly chuck if i was a woodchuck chucking wood?

 

[Plainbluetees]

Well, it depends. First you’d start off with the scientific equation (z x y + 3.14) x 74. To unlock the rest of the equation, please buy the How Much Wood Could You Possibly Chuck DLC pass for 40 quid (£40.00) now available for only £20.00 with EA Play. Bundle it with the Unlock Woodchuck Customization DLC for only £60.00, a £60.01 value!!

You get awaken at approximately 1:43 A.M. by a faint rustle. Looking out the window, you see a silver Volkswagen Fox that you’ve never seen before pull up in your neighbor’s driveway. You creep out of bed and put in your yellow Spongebob slippers your Grandma bought you for Easter in 2nd Grade to go out to investigate. You sneak around the corner until you are close enough to hear the strange man. It appears he is reciting quotes from William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet to a beautiful woman in a nightgown in the 3rd story window. Romeo and Juliet is your favorite book of all time. The guy screws up one of the lines. When fighting the urge to correct him, you decide to turn around only to see that a cherry red UFO has landed in your yard. What do you do?

 

[Midoriya]

Wow, that’s oddly specific. Anyway, all you need to do is hijack the UFO and drive it into the 3rd story window. Serves them right for messing up Romeo and Juliet.

How do I care more about things?

 

[Mad Aly]

Stop caring so much, and things will start caring more about you.

How do you change the world?

 

[Midoriya]

Become a dictator I guess. Hell if I know, lmao.

How to make a good sandwich?

 

[Mad Aly]

Peanut butter makes everything better. Unless you're allergic to peanuts. Then, I'm sorry.

How do you climb a mountain?

 

[Midoriya]

Tie a rope to yourself and some wild goats. Tap the goats to get started and watch as they frantically carry you up the mountain (being intact at the top maybe not included).

How do I use less electrical outlets?

 

[Clock]

Let an electric type Pokemon do the job
How do I clean a room?

 

[cannedcommunism]

move out. you can't have a dirty room if you don't have a room to begin with.
what should I include on a resumé?

 

[StressedJess]

Your top ten favorite songs. Maybe a doodle of a toad to really sell yourself.

What is the best way to throw a party?