He barely spoke to us for 15-20 years. No birthday messages, no how do you dos, just short answers to messages we would send his way. In 2007 my mom and I went to South Africa because my grandfather (who still lives there to this day) was supposedly dying of prostate cancer. My mom, even though she didn't have a good relationship with either her father or her brother, wanted to go there and say goodbye to her father, and I went along. That's the most I'd ever talked to my uncle, and even then he'd sometimes just drop me and my mom off in strange places to go and do something else. This was also in Pretoria, which even back then was super dangerous.
Anyway, from 2007 until 2014, we hear basically nothing from the guy. Then in the middle of 2014, he suddenly contacts my grandmother, starts talking up a storm. My grandmother, my mother, my sister, and whole bunch of the family were happy that he was suddenly so talkative, that they could have contact with this person who had been so silent for years. Then the bomb drops - he wants help to come to the Netherlands. There's a thing where South Africans with Dutch relatives can come over, as long as they provide the necessary papers, and he wanted to take advantage of this.
Christmas 2014 I see this guy for the first time in 7 years. He never asks anything about me, or my mom, or my sister, or anyone else for that matter. He's just talking about his life in South Africa, how he's not had a job for 2 years but still managed to build his own house and sell it, how he goes out with his buddies to golf or whatever. My stepdad and I see what's happening, but we only meet resistance. Uncle also says that he doesn't talk my stepdad and me because we both "don't articulate" (we do).
After Christmas he leaves and contact with him is still strong. My mom is hopeful that there's a change in this guy.
Mid-2015 he has the papers and he comes over without his son and his wife, and he starts looking for work so his wife can come over (son came over 2 months later, since his dad was Dutch now). The problem is that he is only looking for high-ranking positions. He had held high-ranking positions back in SA, and believed he shouldn't be allowed to do anything less.
Also, during this time he lives at my grandmother's place. Contact with him stagnates, as my mom and sister barely hear from him anymore even though he's a short walk away from us. He gets angry at us for the stupidest things, but if we confront him about his bull**** he starts defending himself like with that "they don't articulate" example - it's never his fault.
During the months, life is hard on my grandmother. She feels like he's taken control over her household, because he decides when they eat, when they sleep, when they go out to do stuff. And the only thing he cares about is himself and his son. At one point my grandmother is ill, terribly so, to the point that she's unconscious most of the time and when she is conscious all she does is drink and go pee. She has to ask my mom for help after 3 days, because my uncle didn't even check on her in that period. Once my grandmother was feeling better and was actually moving about the house again, he started a fight with her about how she stayed in her room "so that she could leave all the housework to him".
And sadly that's not the only thing that happened, but it's the most egregious one.
During these months he also got increasingly angry about things and took it out on my grandmother. He was unhappy with how slow things moved in trying to find a job. Whenever she told him to aim lower to increase his chances, he got aggressive and would yell about how that work is below him or some ****. He blamed everything on the system. In his mind, he wasn't doing anything wrong, it was Dutch systems keeping him from succeeding in this country. I understand his frustration, but we'd told him often enough that the job market here isn't fantastic, so he should've aimed for anything and build it up from there. But because of his frustration, he often threatened with going back to South Africa. The first few times my grandmother took it seriously and started telling him about how his chances there were even ****tier, how dangerous and unfair it is for white people, etc. The last time he threatened with going back, she told him that he should. He didn't speak with her again for over a month after she'd said that, and completely ignored her whenever she tried talking to him.
A few months ago he finally got a job he wanted. Once he got it though, he found enough to whine about. He didn't feel "important enough" (he's a project leader at a large mechanics company, so I don't know how important he wants to feel), he wasn't allowed to do certain things, he barely spoke to the people under him (go into their office and talk), and so on. He was unhappy with the job from day 1.
With him being able to get a job though, he was also able to get a house. He got one within a few weeks of the job. He packed up his family's stuff, moved them into his car, and drove off. That's all he did. No thank you to my grandmother, no goodbye, he said literally nothing.
And ever since then, as both my stepdad and I had expected since Christmas 2014, all contact dropped. The only person that still hears from him is my sister, and only about once a week. And he only wants to talk about himself.
My mom has gotten to the point that she doesn't care about it anymore. But I can see how much my grandmother is still hurting. She'd hoped so much that he'd turned around and started caring about his family over here, but she was let down in a big way. Constant arguments, him not caring about anyone but himself, and eventually just leaving her without even saying bye.
Ever since he left I've been making sure to visit her more often, because in the past year I'd been avoiding my uncle who was staying at her place, and I feel like I took some support away from her by doing that.
But yeah, the guy is awful. And I feel bad for his son, because all of his achievements in school and sports are used to big up his father's ego. His wife also doesn't do anything against this behavior, instead just trying to tell us to "calm down and leave it".
I'm glad he decided to break contact though. It lets everyone focus on important things, and the family that does care about them.
