What's Bothering You?

currently anxious.. a lot has changed for me in the past year, and it seems like today, i took a step in solidifying what the next few years of my life might look like. it’s a bit scary, to be honest. i’m afraid of changing responsibility and new relationships and expectations. i just want to have the tools and wherewithal to handle it and feel comfortable and confident in myself for a little while until i decide to go to grad school
 
Having complicated thoughts that tie a bit into my one mutual who had a baby recently, but also feels more like it involves feelings that have been bugging me for a long time anyway.

Despite everything, mutual seems happy right now, if largely inactive because they have a newborn they now have to care for. That's fair enough. I'm glad they're happy, obviously. I think the feelings get complicated though because of how they were pushed into this by someone else and suffered immensely to bring the kid into the world, to the point of it becoming a genuine threat to their life. They have told me, directly, that they were in my same boat before the bonding hormones finally kicked in late into the pregnancy: they didn't really like kids that much and did not want any. They said that they would have never had a child if their husband weren't begging them to have one.

It makes me almost wish I'd have wanted kids, if only because deep down I'm a little jealous at how happy they ultimately managed to be. At the same time, though, our situations are wildly different save for a few shared interests and quirks. I'd have to overcome asexuality, a partner of sorts that doesn't want kids (and I'm also aromantic, so should a rift ever come between my partner and I, I'm not seeking anyone else), a negative history surrounding childcare, a near-total lack of familial support, and an extremely deep discomfort around the idea of ever being pregnant that lead to me getting surgically sterilized despite all of the above just in case of a worst-case scenario. I also just don't at all like the idea of having to be responsible for trying to morph someone into a functional adult over the span of 18+ years. Political developments have added a layer of spite to it, but even without that, I still have never been in a position where I liked the idea of parenting.

Ultimately though it all kinda boils down to just wishing I felt like I really belonged somewhere. I've realized over time that I simply don't make friends easily, and also for whatever reason tend to emotionally attach most to supposed friendships that are fairly one-sided. I also have a tendency to want to "buy" friendship via favors and gifts (I guess because that's what got modeled for me when I was younger), so I've had multiple friendships involving me buying reasonably-expensive gifts for people who would, eventually, just sorta stop replying to me even when they were online and clearly active. I feel like on some level this is happening with the above mutual; I found myself buying them an Amazon gift card while they were in the hospital recovering from an infected c-section incision because I felt bad about everything they'd been through. I don't think they'd do the same for me. I don't even know if they think of me as a friend, exactly, hence me saying "mutual" and not "friend".

I think I ultimately need to get better about detaching. Why am I feeling all this due to someone who I don't think really thinks that much about me unless I directly reply to something they say? Probably because I'm the same person who will sit there and watch as other friends―who again, are clearly online―just stop replying to anything I say, and then miss them and wish they'd just say something months or even years later, instead of being able to move on. Maybe for the sake of my mental wellbeing, I should step back and stop keeping tabs on this mutual for a little while.
 
I'm so tired. Despite getting a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep every night (thanks to my meds), work has me completely wiped by the time I get home. I can't do chores or engage in hobbies because I just want to sleep all the time.

Is this the point of life? Working yourself to the bone for a bit of cash? It's disheartening how most people have to live like this.
 
I dropped an earring. I heard said earring hit the floor. The earring was no where to be seen on the floor 🫠 I even vacuumed and didn't hear anything be sucked up.

Hopefully I find it. It wasn't expensive, but it was cute.
 
i hate this man. im already extremely stressed from my exams, still got 6 more exams to go this weekend, and i learned that my dog Blitz is very sick. like he's been shaking and throwing up and not eating, and it doesn't help that he's old so we are on high alert every time he gets sick. i am so so many miles away from my dog and i am just worried about him so much, but at the same time i cant be worrying too much about him because i have my exams to worry about as well. im very glad people are at home so they are taking him to the vet right now and he's most likely gonna be IV lined and all. idk if he'll be confined but im praying not, i cant imagine him being there for days again.

idk how to feel also because a few days earlier he was already at the clinic for low platelet but it wasnt his vet who was on duty, so this new vet only gave him vitamins and told him it'll be fine. my family was insistent that Blitz' own vet (who has known him for years) gives him this specific medication which has helped bring up his platelets but the new vet reassured us that he didn't need that. anyway fast forward and as expected, Blitz didn't really improve with just the vitams 🥲 they went back to the clinic and thankfully his old vet was there so he got the specific medication he needed.

anyway uh. idk anymore im so overwhelmed and everything is so loud and i just want to not be stressed anymore 😭😭😭 i want to cry so badly but also my mom is here and she'd be mad if i cried so im kinda just gonna rant here
 
Feeling bad when your phone glitches and picks the worst possible reaction for a post.

Also was feeling really good this morning took Aurora to the park for her walk. Then all of a sudden really bad stomach cramps and we are supposed to leave shortly to go out to pick up one of my aunts for a family birthday lunch. I hope they go away soon.
 
new girl started at work today and mentioned it was her birthday tomorrow. i bought some cupcakes for her while i was out shopping to be nice, but my mom made some comments that now makes me think it's too nice and forward so idek whether or not to give them to her anymore.
 
I have to strike the perfect balance between being successful in school and being content with myself. Which is hard because by the time I'm home I always find myself doing anything except my homework just to escape my discomfort.

I know we need to get out of our comfort zones every once in a while since the world is already scary enough, but I've been in these classrooms for years and I still haven't developed any resistance against certain things there. It just doesn't feel right.
 
my mother and i share a dyson hair dyer and it suddenly stopped working this morning. i don’t know if these hairdryers are just prone to breaking or if ours broke down due to daily usage. i’d basically do anything to fix it because these things are MEGA EXPENSIVE and plus it’s only a year old + it was a replacement to our first one that also stopped working.

i think there’s lint stuffed up the filter which is causing the issue so im going to try to get it out with a toothpick or something.
 
Great, I have a sore throat and I'm pretty sure I'm sick. I'm mad because it could've been easily avoided; My brother got sick a few days ago but he never told me, and came into contact with me a ton of times by hugging me and touching my face... Who the hell does that? Plus, he drank straight from the juice pitcher, never mentioned it, and I got myself a cup of juice from the pitcher. I'm livid. I still have to work despite being sick, and it's my brother's fault with his reckless decisions.
 
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