What's Bothering You?

lately I've been waking up every day feeling annoyed and tense. like I can't just relax. and I know that's my own fault but it still sucks.

maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if there weren't so many stupid things going on in my life that I just have to deal with. always getting the short end of the stick and having to suck it up.

also once again tired of finances and feeling a lot of jealousy because of it. I hate that.

latter half deleted.
 
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Why does it take so long for motivation to kick in for me to get myself in such a mood to write stories, or go through other photo focused things that by the time I am almost there, the whole day is gone? And then I just feel bad.
 
I left my glasses on the top of my rolling backpack and forgot to put them on when break ended, so when I was walking to class they fell off, the lenses scratched and one of the hinges got bent.

My parents were already mad at me yesterday for not finishing my homework and not taking a shower (I have a complex relationship with showers BTW). Now they have to deal with the financial weight of getting these glasses fixed. I'm pretty much dead at this point.

I feel so irresponsible and ashamed of myself, I wish they didn't invent phones and computers. At this point I'm already convinced they're the root cause of this happening; my dad would always talk about how I'm just lost in my own little world, unaware of what I'm supposed to be and should have been doing. He was right. He always was right.
 
I'm at work and I dunno why I'm at work
Mainly because we have building work right outside the shop. They're literally been drilling near our door and they've closed the street so much there's only one way to get to our shop; but I see no point anyone would come here def when there's other coffee shops around the corner.
Literally has no customers and now I dunno whose suppose to take over from me.
Dunno why my boss just doesn't close shop. I pray for whoever has to take over for me
 
I'm an emotional mess right now. I tried writing in my journal, but I can't put my thoughts together and I just wanna cry, but I need another catharsis. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about my problems, especially my family. Needless to say, I feel so stuck and hopeless.

I could write a whole essay-length post about my problems, but I'd rather refrain from making it so public. I really don't want to say more, but bottom line is: I'm not okay.
 
Why is it that people never phone back when they say they will? I know unexpected things can happen, but it’s 99% of the time when I contact a company, they don’t phone/email back, despite having several contact numbers. I hate contacting them again as I feel as if I'm pestering them, but I do want things done! 😞
 
Sick of being sick. It has been a month now. I'm constantly exhausted (doc's words "extreme fatigue"), my weight keeps dropping, and my body isn't tolerating food well but I'm not allowed to change my diet until the doc says so otherwise it may cause false negatives. Bloods have come back abnormal but so far all I've been told is more tests are required. I should hopefully be told more at my appointment next week. But the waiting is frustrating. I feel like my entire life is on hold. I'm alone all day & most evenings - and I know my partner feels guilty about this but I'm not selfish enough to ask her to stay home for my sake. She's out with one of my closest friends right now and it sucks that I can't join them!

Thank god my job is understanding and has a great sick leave policy. Had a chat with someone from senior management this morning and I was told to stop stressing about work, reassured my cover (two people from another site each coming in one day a week) is keeping the department afloat, and to just rest up. But it is hard not to stress when you receive a department-wide email saying how difficult things are right now with you gone. I miss work.

Also, I'm so bored. There is only so much TV a person can watch. But I've no energy for anything more intensive most days. I went for a walk today and after 40 minutes had to get public transport home. My usual walk to work is 30-35 minutes and that's all uphill and a month ago I managed that no bother!
 
I didn't lose anyone thankfully, but still.

I hate that the thought of death is so triggering for me. I'm literally sobbing at work over it. it's not even necessarily that I'm upset over it, rather I think it's because it's such a mysterious thing and it's stressful to think about, and my poor sensitive autistic mind gets overwhelmed so easily by things which it doesn't understand.

I can't help but think about my life, the passage of time, all the things I've yet to do. and too often I think about what it might be like if it was cut short. I don't want to go into detail because it does get very personal and even a little graphic. but it's so distressing and it's hard to contain in my mind, such a vast concept.

I need someone to hold me close. I need to feel the warmth and love of another soul. I'm just stuck at this desk, my heart in pain. I don't know what to do with myself.
 
So, I ordered a lolita coord off of DearMyLove through ZenMarket. It got here SURPRISINGLY fast. However, I wasn't home to sign for it when they attempted to deliver it; and they refuse to try to redeliver it, even though it's an OPTION. So, now I have to go to the post office tomorrow to get it. Which is annoying, 'cause I gotta pester my dad to take me; and I KNOW he's gonna yell at me.
 
Our aunt (who also is our landlord) is reshaping our house and moving other family in for rental.

Fair enough. It's her decision. However it would be nice if she asked first or talked it over instead of bluntly throwing it on us. I feel bad for my mother. She was clearly feeling a little hurt.

It also sounds like it's going to be a little suffocating at first. I'm going to need some time to adjust it when it happens. Removing our entire downstairs and modifying it is going to take away lots of space. It sort of confines us into the upstairs area.

Not to mention the more introverted side of me doesn't prefer so many people around. It's going to be even louder. I'm just not feeling good about these changes.
 
xSuperMario64x said:
I didn't lose anyone thankfully, but still.

I hate that the thought of death is so triggering for me. I'm literally sobbing at work over it. it's not even necessarily that I'm upset over it, rather I think it's because it's such a mysterious thing and it's stressful to think about, and my poor sensitive autistic mind gets overwhelmed so easily by things which it doesn't understand.

I can't help but think about my life, the passage of time, all the things I've yet to do. and too often I think about what it might be like if it was cut short. I don't want to go into detail because it does get very personal and even a little graphic. but it's so distressing and it's hard to contain in my mind, such a vast concept.

I need someone to hold me close. I need to feel the warmth and love of another soul. I'm just stuck at this desk, my heart in pain. I don't know what to do with myself.
Click to expand...
If I could, I'd like to say I've had this exact same experience a couple years ago. Right on my birthday actually. I started thinking of death and it just scared me for days. To the point where I shut down from everything and woke up scared for my life. It's part of the reason why I've said I hate having autism before. Appearently it's a loop of thoughts. The way I got out of it though is that I've realized it's not the thoughts I'm afraid of, it's the anxiety and bad feelings that came with it. It scared me senseless after all. I learned trying to fight these feelings only made them worse. This might sound crazy, but the best way for me is to just let it flow. These feelings became much less overwhelming that way, to the point where the thoughts that scared me and overtook me no longer loop or bother me. Just tell yourself: you have anxiety... but anxiety never has you. It will go away because all emotions do eventually, good or bad. I'm sure everyone fears death at one point in their lives since... we all die eventually, right? It makes our lives so much sweeter though. We all have our own lives. We each have our own stories that nobody but you can write. Make most of each day and take each step. Focus on what YOU can control. The moment I started fearing death was the moment I was greatful I exist in this world.

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm trying to give you a pep talk btw. I just wanted to help since I know a bit of what you're going throught. =x
 
This appeared around the same time I started getting sick today...my throat hurts, and my nose is running.

1726631321476.jpeg
 
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