i may have to put my cat to sleep. her health is so poor, and i don’t see that changing. she can barely walk, she can’t jump, there’s something wrong with her vertebrae, she has a heart murmur, bladder stones, she’s severely overweight and her breathing issues have returned. she is having nasty coughing fits frequently. she’s supposed to have surgery on her knees within the next 2-3 weeks, but i don’t see her surviving it. and even if it did, what would it matter? all of her other issues will still be there. the surgery may not even help her.
she’s in my room right now, and i panic every time she so much as moves her head, terrified that she’s going to start coughing. terrified that she won’t be able to breathe. she wants to be with me, and i will never deny her that, but i am so ****ing scared. and my parents keep leaving me home alone with her, knowing that if something were to happen while they’re out, i would not be able to help her.
i want to run from this so badly; hide myself in another room so that i don’t hear her coughing and gagging; pretend that it doesn’t exist. but i won’t, because i refuse to act like the coward i am — she deserves more than to be abandoned.
i don’t want to let her go. i don’t know if i can. the thought of her no longer existing leaves me hyperventilating and in tears, but i don’t want her to hurt. i just... i’m not ready for this. i just want more time.