What's bothering you?

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My friend knew that I'm planning to be atheist. I didn't say I'm going to do it but yeah
 
> financial accounting is difficult
> im improving but still suck at csgo
> my kidneys hurt from eating dirty food :{
> i have to read 30 pages of my book or my teacher will yell at me. lels
 
It gets worse than yesterday
Tangent ♥- Going to be honest I got annoyed and trying not to be obvious I dunno why I find you annoying when you talk to me early in the morning (Didn't tell her about this so yeah also yesterday)

Cosine ♥- I didn't tell you why I'm depressed and keep rubbing so yeah sorry but I rather not talk about it.

Lynn189- I didn't go with you in festival even my dad talked to you it's really useless

People who I temporary block in steam- I'm trying to forget it just stop sorry but I really have to do this

I don't feel like sleeping smh
 
I'm having to kneel on the floor instead of sitting in my chair because my frickin' urethra is acting up again and so it hurts too much to sit. My legs/knees hurt so bad urgh
 
It's finally hit me hard just how much I miss my friend. We met on an MMO about 8 years ago, the day I met her, she had some people picking on her, but I came in and stuck up for her. We got chatting and I told her she was so cute and that I hope she didn't find it creepy, but I saw her as a little sister. She found it awkward at first but our friendship blossomed and we were so close. I got jealous of her making lots of new friends on Tumblr, spending so much time talking to them that she would take literally hours to reply to me on Skype. I raged and deleted her from Skype and I haven't spoken to her for about 2 months. I tried adding her back to Skype a few weeks ago, but the "?" symbol next to her name showed that she'd deleted me. I couldn't get hold of her. She ignored my messages on Tumblr. I've lost my best friend, my sister even and I can't get her back. I've really messed up. By this point now, I've started crying typing this. I lost her due to my own jealousy. I loved her to pieces and didn't want anyone else to have her attention. I know it's selfish, but I just always wanted to talk to her. She helped me through so much. All the times I was having relationship troubles, the times I was seriously contimplating suicide, she was my rock and never stopped supporting me, but the way I've repaid her for her help is so sickening that I truly hate myself for it. I post this so that maybe, just maybe, one day she will see this message and maybe we can talk again. I don't expect us to be as close as we used to be, but just having that amazing, beautiful person who I miss more than words can express back in my life is all that would even matter. I miss you, Mika. I'm so sorry.
 
I kind of wish I was dead, but even if I was dead, it would still cost my parents money. I looked into it... I guess that's kind of sad, lol. I wish I never came home last night from my date because I could've slept in past 5 am and at least had someone tell me they love me instead of put me down. My parents have woken me up 2 days in a row at 5 or 6 in the morning to yell at me about my life, my relationship, and how I'm basically a screw up. I'm so tired... But I can't go back to sleep.
 
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So many things are bothering me right now...
My mother only has been focusing on me for a good chunk of her life, she loves me dearly and only has me (my father died 14years ago and she's never been with anyone else since, I'm her only daughter) and I'm feeling guilty all the time because I'm studying abroad. She was a housewife with no degree and managed to find a decent job to support both of us.
I'm in a serious relationship with a foreigner, my mother and he cannot even communicate with each other. I feel like she doesn't like him very much as well. I love him to death but we have so many problems in our couple, sometimes misery outweights happiness.
If we're still together for the coming years, I'm going to have to make a choice between staying with my mum or him. That kills me.

I'm uncertain about my future, I don't know where my education will lead to me and I don't want to end up with a miserable wage in a ****ty flat/house.
I also lost most of my irl friends, or maybe all of them. I valued them more than they valued me and I guess I realised that once I moved out. Although I got along with some people, I wasn't able to make new friends in my new country. Probably because I was too obsessed with my old friends, I was constantly feeling abandonned and sad. I had a best friend who I thought would be my friend forever because I've never found in my life someone I admired as much and had as any things to share with but apparently that stupid fight (and only fight) that we had was enough to break our friendship. It seems like she got over me quickly. This has haunted me the entire year.

To make things worse, my mum put pictures of all my ex friends everywhere, she even put pictures in the bathroom of me and my ex best friend for me to see everyday. That's what I came back to. She knows I feel betrayed by them and it's been ages we haven't talked (I don't think she had bad intentions when doing this). I don't dare to take them out because I don't want to show how vulnerable I am in reality :(

Feels good to get it out of my chest!

Edit: Oh, and also, I've been trying to make some more friends online lately and one of the people I enjoyed talking to may be dead. Last post they made was a couple of days ago stating that they've taken loads and loads of pills to commit suicide. I'm super worried.
 
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my little sis is worrying me, she says her eating disorder is better now but she still refused to eat potatoes today... she used to love potatoes :(
 
my little sis is worrying me, she says her eating disorder is better now but she still refused to eat potatoes today... she used to love potatoes :(

This hurt my heart... On so many levels. :( I hope her disorder is really better. Maybe she just wasn't in the potatoes mood. I know what it's like to be on both ends of those potatoes... Sending love and good thoughts to both of you.
 
I'm really worried about college. I'm the biggest procrastinator and I already have to read a book for my English class, do the reading assignment, and start studying for my Chem exam that will happen the second week of school :\ I already feel like I'm going to fail and I'm really scared. Also stuff with my ex-boyfriend blegh.
 
School begins tomorrow. That's fine and all, I have all the materials I need & I finished all the homework I had over summer. I don't know anyone in my art class, but I do in the rest of my classes so that's okay. It's just that I always start out thinking I'm going to do well this one year, actually study for every test & maybe finally maintain a 4.0 GPA (I've been struggling at a 3.5 for two years), but I always end up back in the black hole where I cannot bring myself to care. I know I should care, but I just get so tired of sitting through seven hours doing work that is mind-numbing.

Also, my interests have changed & I don't know what I want to major in college anymore. I don't have any colleges in mind now since I have no clue what I want to do.
 
The difficult decision I have to make about moving to England or not. The pros are I'll be with my boyfriend and will finally start my life. The cons are I'll leave everything behind, including my family, job and friends. Sure I'll still be able to talk to them online, but it's not the same. Not that I care that much about having loads of real life friends. To be honest I'm kind of a mole anyways. I rarely go out in fact. But still, I'm sure it'll be harder for me to make friends in England. The girls I've met there so far were so petty and girliness is multiplied by 1000. I'm neither petty nor girly enough, which is why most of my friends are guys. Most girls when they meet me they don't like me automatically. I'm not friendly nor fake enough. We also most of the time end up not sharing the same interests. Not to mention I have an odd sarcastic sense of humor. I've never felt scared of being alone, but I feel that way now. It's not an overpowering feeling, but it's strong enough to cause doubt. I'm afraid I'll feel isolated. I'm afraid I'll be putting myself in an environment where I'll feel like an outsider. Sure I'll have my boyfriend, but it would be nice to have at least one friend there. It's already hard enough for me to make friends here. Judging by my last trip to England, making friends there will be nearly impossible, I feel.*sigh* The hurts of being a female who doesn't fit into the cookie cutter.
 
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