The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[VernalLapin]

Chip Chilla (fr though, don’t)

How do I get good at sewing?

 

[:::Navi:::]

Always sew with your eyes closed for a heightened sense of creativity and surprise

How do you save money and plan for the future?

 

[Midoriya]

Win the lottery! You only need to have the best RNG ever!

How do I sleep more?

 

[TN4U]

Just don't get out of bed.

How do I become a good artist?

 

[Yoshi155]

Drink and sniff paint. It travels to your brain and you'll immediately become as good as Da Vinci.

How do I learn how to speak Chinese?

 

[qwerty9537]

Move there and just fumble for the first few days. Eventually you'll talk like a native speaker!

How do I make time pass faster?

 

[TN4U]

Take your clock, and increase the time yourself. You’ll be surprised how well that works; it’s just like Animal Crossing!

How do I teach my dog not to dig his nose into the garbage can?

 

[frogslime]

I think you need to step back and wonder, "Why does my dog enjoy such an activity?" Sit down, talk to him. Get to know him. Try it out. I think enjoying your dog's hobbies will strengthen your relationship.

How do I overcome my fear of ghost girls?

 

[Hunter_Gr33n]

Stare at a collage of ghost girl pictures for ten minutes a day until you stop fearing them - you'll eventually become desensitised to them.

How do I become more capable of asserting my opinion in conversations?

 

[Yoshi155]

When someone says something and you have a differing opinion, flip them off and say it’s your turn and their opinion is incorrect. People on Twitter do it all the time!

How do I make waffles?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Make really thick pancakes and cut squares into them.

How do I get better at guitar?

 

[TN4U]

Instead of plugging your guitar into the amp, have the amp play a solo guitar track from a video on your phone, then pretend to play the guitar. That's it! You can now play like the legends!

How do you reduce scratches on a game disc?

 

[ribbitribbon]

Destroy the disc completely. There won’t be a scratch left!

How do I impress my friend’s parents?

 

[TN4U]

Just don't think about anything else. Only focus on your friend, and if the parents deviate the topic from your friend, bring them back into the topic of conversation again. The goal is to never stop talking about your friend, ever. Their parents love it when you do that.

Help, I can't reach the remote to the TV, what do I do?

 

[Plainbluetees]

Patiently wait until all humans arms have mutated to be like Elastigirl from the Incredibles and then you should be able to reach it with ease.


How do I get into an Ivy League school
with a 2.4 GPA and 700 SAT?

 

[TN4U]

Oh, that’s easy. All you gotta do is become a comedian, and constantly try to get on the Presidents’ good sides at Harvard/Yale/Princeton/etc by being their golf caddy for free. Oh, and say that you’re related to Mark Zuckerburg. They never gave him a chance, and I really don’t think they want to regret letting hidden talent walk away like that again. You’ll get in no problem.

My dog keeps getting the carpet dirty. How can I prevent this from happening?

 

[Midoriya]

You need to get it dirty first. Take dumps on the floor regularly so that by the time your dog gets to it, it's already dirty and therefore your dog can't make it dirtier!

How do I become evil?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Become a lemon. Every Villain Is Lemons.

How do I get more money?

 

[ribbitribbon]

Just take it. Nothing’s stopping you.

How do I fix a flat tire?

 

[Yoshi155]

Take a hose and fill your tire with water. If you don’t have one nearby, you can also use your own breath. It works just as well!

How do I make scrambled eggs?