What's Bothering You?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Life after high school feels so disorganized. You have to create the structure yourself. Thankfully I have people helping me, but it can’t always be that way. Adulthood sucks lol. I feel like I’m in some sort of paradox because it’s been FIVE years since I graduated high school, a whole other high school period away from high school at this point, but I’m still in my early 20s so I still feel young. But when I think about it, it kinda feels like I’m older than I think. The way time passes is scary.
 
A man in the movie theater was freaked out over somebody taking his seat. He started yelling, cursing, pointing at everybody and saying "Your all what's wrong with this country". Then he said "I'll remember which row you guys are in".

As a school shooting survivor, I recognized the behavior and it absolutely terrified me and I went to the bathroom and had a panic attack. I was only one row down from the incident.

Security kicked him out and I could see them blocking the door when I left to use the bathroom.

I'd like to not die while watching a Bob Dylan movie thanks. I'm very shaken up right now. My family also thought he would come back with a gun.
 
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I’ve sort of developed feelings for a friend of mine I made at the start of December, but I’ve kept it a secret because in the past she’s told me if anyone confessed to her she wouldn’t know how to react to it. Over the past few weeks she’s opened up to me a lot more and she brings up dating stuff fairly often out of nowhere. I shared what’s happening to several people and some think she’s hinting at something while others think she’s just venting. It’s kinda hard to say at this point.

She’s from the opposite side of the country from me and she’s Trinidadian-American. I’m worried if I did date her I wouldn’t be able to understand her culture well enough. I’m also worried her parents might not approve of me. I genuinely like her for her personality, though, and I know my family wouldn’t mind her.
 
I sorted through my clothes to set aside stuff that's too small/I don't wear anymore to donate, and I knew my parents would get on my case about it. They insisted that I keep my dresses for "special occasions", even though I'm very uncomfortable in feminine clothing. I went to my graduation ceremony in a dress shirt. I went to a family Christmas party in a Metallica hoodie. I've told my parents countless times that I hate wearing dresses/skirts, and they don't ****ing listen. It's frustrating and further proves that they don't truly understand my struggles with my gender identity. I just want to be comfortable with myself.

I mean, it's not like my parents made me keep my dresses, but still. I really wish they'd stop questioning me about it and saying hurtful comments. It truly doesn't feel like they accept me for who I am.
 
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it sucks when people don't offer you the same grace and understanding that you offer them. my mom left a box of blueberries precariously on top of some containers in the fridge. and she was in a rush on the way out and asked me to get her some godiva chocolate from the fridge. i accidentally knocked the container over and it spilled blueberries everywhereeeeeeeeeee. then she yelled at me and said to move more carefully. like, then get your own chocolate? put the blueberry container on a solid foundation? im exhausted from taking care of her all week since she's been sick. ive been making her lemon and honey tea 4 times a day, heating up heat packs, doing the dishes and laundry, cleaning and vacuuming, taking out the trash, getting the mail, fixing her furniture that she broke, fetching things for her, etc. and she left the burner on earlier this week and i didn't yell at her, i just showed her that she did something very dangerous. because i knew it was an accident and that she's also tired from being sick.
 
and suddenly im trying to search for you in every little thing
trying to remember what little you left me and what little i kept
trying to build a replica of you in my brain with sticks and stones from barren memories of you
just to burn it down and do it all over again

(i dont know why i do. it feels almost primal, something i cant shake off.)
 
Life. School is a nightmare, everyone is rude and blatantly disrespectful. My parents just don’t get it half the time. I tell them how much they are rude and annoy me and all I get is “uh huh”. Like wtf? I literally wrote down every rude thing that got said to me in one day and filled up an ENTIRE PAGE. And they were surprised. See what I mean? And I hate literally every subject I have to do, the only fun one I had last year was just cut.

I don’t have time for anything anymore. School is a nightmare and yeah that’s annoying BUT IT TAKES UP SO MUCH OF MY TIME. I can’t do ANYTHING anymore because it’s always school school school!!!! It makes me angry.

Not to mention I have zero friends, everyone in my class is racist and rude, and one friend I did have I don’t have anymore. I put up with them for a few years but then on my birthday at my party, LITERALLY IN FRONT OF ME gave someone else a frank green, and me nothing. LIKE IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY FOR THE SAKE OF NEPTUNE!! Sorry I’m ranting heh
 
Why does "everything" have to have flowers all over it all the time? Don't get me wrong, I do like flowers, some more than others .. but I don't want flowers on literally everything. It is hard to find things sometimes that don't have flowers on it, or pink/purple. Is it so hard to get something green or orange with some leaves or some other design that isn't flowers or pink and purple plastered all over it? I feel like the past 4-5 years flowers, pink, and purple are shoved down my throat all the time. Maybe I should just get black or gray of everything and just let it go. Maybe if I am lucky I can find a patch later of something cool to stick on it.
 
*No offense to anyone who drives a pick-up truck*

but WHY is it that EVERYTIME someone cuts me off or runs me off of the road, it's some impatient butthole in a pick-up truck?! I already drive over the speed limit. Are you in a hurry to show off your too loud exhaust that no one cares about?!
 
was so sure my sickness last week was because of antidepressant withdrawal after i stopped my old one and started a new one. nope! it's the new one! i restarted it six or so hours ago before going to bed at half the dose, and now i'm having the same symptoms as before albeit a little milder. it's strange because i've been on this medication before a few years back and Nothing happened. i was off sick four days last week and fine yesterday so idk what to do but not sure if i can go into work in this state. i can't even lay down atm. i took one of the anti sickness tablets i was prescribed last week, so i might try getting back to sleep and seeing how i feel in a few hours when my alarm goes off but jesus. i am not giving this medication a third shot.
 
was so sure my sickness last week was because of antidepressant withdrawal after i stopped my old one and started a new one. nope! it's the new one! i restarted it six or so hours ago before going to bed at half the dose, and now i'm having the same symptoms as before albeit a little milder. it's strange because i've been on this medication before a few years back and Nothing happened. i was off sick four days last week and fine yesterday so idk what to do but not sure if i can go into work in this state. i can't even lay down atm. i took one of the anti sickness tablets i was prescribed last week, so i might try getting back to sleep and seeing how i feel in a few hours when my alarm goes off but jesus. i am not giving this medication a third shot.
gone 5AM, and i haven't slept. that anti sickness tablet didn't do anything 😭 think my work is gonna get annoyed at me for being off again, but if i can't even lay down, there's no way i can manage. gonna request a call with my doctor first thing and see if i can get a sick note but oof, i feel like hell.
 
I won't go into detail because it's personal, but a while ago my dad discovered he had something in him and he's doing what he can to be cured of it before something detrimental happens to him.

My mom took him to the hospital so they could do surgery on him and we visited him today. He says the surgery was successful so far. I'm posting here because I'm still worried about what could happen to him later, though. :( I hope it goes well.

That said, I haven't been to any hospital since I was a kid. I wonder what it feels like to be a patient there. I don't wanna die...
Hope your dad is back home asap
 
I feel like I'm always expected to perform in some way. If I don't use enough emojis, I'm not enthusiastic enough. If my reactions aren't exactly verbatim like the previous ones, they think I'm down or upset with them. It's starting to drain me.
 
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