What's Bothering You?

i'm kinda mad at MYSELF for being so socially stunted and my incapability to make conversation with other human beings, not even my closest friends. honestly idk i guess i'm just really upset because i don't have a lot of friends, compared to some of my other friends. i feel terrible that i've missed/will miss out on so many opportunities because of how quiet i am :(
 
Getting to PP without my family knowing is going to be a total HASSLE 😭 plus, chem is kicking my ass. If I don't get all my schoolwork done, that's no going out for me, and I'll miss my appointment UAUGHABBVBHGBHG this should be fine though THIS WILL BE FINE
 
So my grandma in law (my mom’s side) passed away back in 2020 but I only recently found out about it only because I stumbled across an obituary. Otherwise, I’d be clueless to this day. I found out that my mom and grandma (dad’s side) knew the whole time but were keeping it from me because they thought I’d be upset that we didn’t get anything from them. She disowned my mom even though they adopted her and I spent so many summers at their house. I should’ve been entitled to something considering how rude they were to me and my mom, but not sure how to feel about them hiding it from me. I feel like that’s something I should know? Like her whole family except my mom who was adopted didn’t like me. They made fun of my teeth which in reality should’ve been fixed a lot sooner than they were but too late now — ex: calling me horse teeth. I hate that I don’t know how long they would’ve kept it from me considering they know I am aware now. My grandma (dad’s side) was playing dumb acting like she didn’t know. Why keep it from me and do I have a right to be upset? Probably not.
 
i homebrewed my 2DS XL yesterday and i was using it today to make subtle changes to my regular file. for some reason it lost my data and my game was loading a new file, but thank gosh i had a backup on my computer. there ain’t no way im playing with that thing again, im not risking my 4 year old save file. i nearly freaked out.
 
I feel like I’m not going to find anyone for a long time. Every time an opportunity happens irl I’m either too nervous or oblivious to show reciprocation. Online people almost never see me that way. The few times I have been close to a relationship in the past two years the person loses interest within six weeks, long before it goes anywhere.

It distresses me because even though I have great friends I still feel alone.
 
I have a project due tomorrow evening but I'm having such an awful time motivating myself to get back on it because it's getting a bit tough. I just wanna spend time with my boyfriend tomorrow and go gift shopping with him before his friend's birthday ;~;
 
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I have a tech lab exam in Science first period this morning, but I didn't study at all. I meant to do it yesterday evening but I got distracted sorting through my school papers (my accordion file was getting full anyways) and cleaning. I told myself I'd study in the morning but I woke up 20 minutes later than usual, so there goes that idea.
 
I went through some of my ex's old social media posts out of curiosity and it reminded me of how I fell for the way she typed and spoke. Nothing she said suggested her neglectful or dishonest side at all. It was honestly really triggering. She never unfollowed me or anything, but just quit interacting publicly. I still have her blocked on Discord after these two years.

I wish she was honest when she dumped me. Instead of saying “a few days apart” she should’ve said she never wanted to speak to me again. That way I never would’ve given her that gift after she dumped me.

I was admittedly a terrible partner too. I texted constantly and I dumped my trauma too often. The only real positive is that I’m better now.

I wish I had some advice on how to get over this person because it still haunts me after all this time.
 
My blood sugar has been acting crazy this past week. I am going to go see my doctor on Friday this week this see what the problem is. I already know are going to talk more about weight (for reasons I know that they have to do their job) for the 500th time. Lord Save me.....
 
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I bought some bulbs for the lights in the front and back of my truck. I got the front side bulbs replaced, but the bottom rear lights did not work even when swapped with new ones. So I checked the wiring underneath and guess what? Someone cut the line lmao. So I ziptied and wrapped it around the frame.

Everything else works. Brakes, blinkers, front, hazards ect except for the bottom lights. To fix that I'd probably have to rewire the entire cut line, so it's just going to stay cut.
 
I'm playing Pokémon Shield (I'm going to attempt a Shiny Badge Quest) and I'm super annoyed at how the game won't let me move freely for five minutes before having an NPC tell me what to do or where to go. I don't need to be constantly reminded of my objective. This isn't helpful it's getting on my nerves.

Also the EA desktop app is being super annoying. Today is not the best day for me gaming-wise. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
i wish i could focus on one thing, i want to learn how to play piano, learn blender, and learn how to crochet while trying starting my own online business. but i guess it’s good to have many interests.
 
Discord username changes dumb. Every single site I use other than this one has actively been making changes for the worse
 
I wish I was useful for something else other than work. Im so tired of spending my whole life writing papers and typing answers. I never get to experience school like everyone else. I never get to hang out with friends or go on sleepovers or fun things. I miss freetime. Its gotten so bad to the point where I spend half of my weekends working and studying. I barely have time for anything but my school and I miss the fun in life. I treasure the moments where I can look outside and see the sun, eat some pretzels, take a shower. I never have the time to truly just relax anymore and I never get to spend time with the friends that I hold so close to my heart. 😞 It doesnt help that yesterday someone stole all of my notes and sent them to everyone in my class so that my hours of work go to someone for free. Honors classes make people think im a nerd but I am happy. I am confident in myself and never let anyone tell me who I am or how to live my life. Im happy with myself and the fact I just got a haircut but people dont respect me or let me live happily sometimes. I used to love school so much and was incredibly excited for this year. 😨
BESTIES THERE IS NO REASON TO BE SAD CAUSE EVENTUALLY HAPPINESS COMES AND YA LEARN THAT YA HAVE BAD MOMENTS BUT IT GON GET BETTER 💚💚✨🐸
 
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Well I am going to go see my doctor tomorrow. Been having some issues with my blood sugar lately and throughout the week its been rough for me. I hope I get the right treatment. I really hope I don't have a repeat of what happened to me back in March 2022.
 
I’m sad. Group therapy has been so draining, my FP almost left me and it’s been making me such an emotional wreck. I don’t like going to work anymore. I started a second mood stabilizer on top of my current one and I feel like all it’s doing is just making me more and more depressed. I just want to lay in bed for a very long time and just forget about my responsibilities for a while.
 
I applied to so many minimum wage jobs and not one called me back wtf. Am I destined to be a longshoreman the rest of life. Is that what yr trynna tell me universe? Am I a big unappreciative baby? I just wanna lay in the grass. I don't like driving big trucks and slinging up loads of steel and lashing up containers. But this is the only way to a decent pension plan. Why can't i decide
 
At this point in time I am feeling overwhelmed. I just came back from the doctor's office and lets just say the experience was both interesting and uncomfortable to say the least. I had to do blood work and A1C test just to see what is going on. I won't hear the results until Monday for the most part. I have to see 3 specialist doctors for Liver, Eye, and Heart. I'm already seeing a Diabetic doctor this month by May 24th, 2023.

Needless to say I need more checkups than ever before. I know this is going to be a real pain to deal with but for the sake of my health I have to do what I gotta do which is easier said than done.
 
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