I wish my life was fulfilling enough such that I didn't need to seek refuge online. Being online and surrounded by the same community and people in a way depresses me. I see my once-was best friends interacting with new friends to the point where they don't take the initiative to start conversations with me anymore. It makes me feel dispensable and small. It makes me feel like I place much greater value on them as friends than they do me. It puts the fact of my not "living" online into perspective. It means that since I'm less available, I'm suddenly less of a friend. Or maybe I just hate letting go. I hate time moving past me and leaving me where I was, while my friends have already moved on. I hate the fact that my irl social life is so desolate that I have to rely on online relationships to pull me through hard times, even when I feel less important in those relationships. There's nothing solid there and the relationships, regardless of how much value I place in them, always feel shaky and uncertain. I hate not knowing what to do in my life to change my situation and that I've been stuck in place socially and emotionally for the past three years. It's frustrating that I've been unable to do anything about it. Honestly, it would be so much easier if I could completely isolate myself and not need relationships at all. But I'm essentially there and it's been driving me up a wall. I guess I'll just hang on for a little while longer. Once I graduate, my environment and experiences are bound to change. I can finally let go of my "friends" whom make me feel dispensable without regretting it.