The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[ForgottenT]

Don't fall asleep in the first place, can't wake what's not asleep! Energy drinks, and coffee to the rescue!

How do I keep my cat from scratching my chair.

 

[Mayor Miraland]

Just get rid of all your chairs, can't scratch the chair if the chair's not there

How do I get my cat off my lap?

 

[ForgottenT]

I thought this thread was for advice not miracles, once cat butt hits lap, nothing shall move until butt leaves lap of its own free will.
Or you can just not have a lap, get the surgical saw ready, or just spread your legs, and cat shall fall to it's doom.

How do I get to dream again, I just close my eyes, and open them again 6 hours later rip.

 

[Rosewater]

Peppermint tea. Or drugs

How do I decide if I should actually purchase this dress I want to buy or not

 

[mkyoshi7]

Just steal it

what’s the fastest way to become famous?

 

[Clock]

Make a YouTube account and start doing clickbait
What is the fastest way to cook noodles?

 

[ForgottenT]

Microwave it.

How can I skydive safely?

 

[moonolotl]

breathe in a bunch of helium and you'll safely float to the ground!

how can i stop myself from crying in public?

 

[Rosie Moon]

Shove whole carrots in your eyes. The carrots will stop any tears coming out, provide you with plenty of nutrients, and also act as a trendy fashion statement! It’s a win-win!

How can I fix my toaster?

 

[Bread Kennedys]

Stick it in your bathtub, it's probably dirty.

How do I get good at playing guitar?

 

[moonolotl]

listen to oasis. a lot.
you'll absorb it

Im hungry but dont want to make something to eat, what can i do?

 

[LuvDolphin]

Resort to cannibalism and eat yourself


My vision is getting bad what should I do?

 

[Clock]

Eat more carrots and start wearing glasses
What is an alternative to microwaving?

 

[frogslime]

Dante's inferno.

My window screen broke, how do I put it back in?

 

[LuvDolphin]

Chew bubble gum and slap that sucker back in with the bubble gum on it


The sun hurts my eyes what do I do?

 

[moonolotl]

stare at it until you become immune to its vile rays

what is the appropriate time to take a bath?

 

[Bread Kennedys]

Never. Embrace the filth, mold yourself from trash. Bonus points if you hop into a dumpster at least once a day.

I'm in the middle of a war in the sky and suddenly a plane shoots me down into the ocean. What do?

(yes this one's very specific so the answer should be entertaining)

 

[Antonio]

Die. It's easier than living.

I need to become thicker, what to do!?

 

[Cwynne]

stand in the freezer for fifteen minutes daily.


my boyfriend is ignoring me,,, qué debo hacer

 

[Bread Kennedys]

Kill him. He can't ignore you in the last remaining moments of his life.

I'm in hot water with the Japanese yakuza. What do I do?