The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[VernalLapin]

Call in and tell your boss your cat or dog is asleep on you (even if you don’t have one) and you don’t want to disturb them. I’m sure they’ll understand.

How do I find new music?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Be the first to invent time travel, and then travel to the future. Contact the musicians of the future to give you their mixtapes. Yes, mixtapes.

How should I start running as a hobby?

 

[Clock]

A treadmill, carrot on a string would work

How do I blow a balloon

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Shame on you! There are minors on here and you should know better than to talk about things that adults do with each other in private behind closed doors!

How do I screw in a lightbulb?

 

[Midoriya]

Put it in your ear and push real hard.

How do I eat waffles properly?

 

[NovariusHaze]

Make a stack of 5 to 10 waffles. Spread some margarine on the waffles. Pour some maple syrup on them. Then grab a whole stack and jam them in your mouth. If you start to choke, it means you are successfully eating them.

How do I open a bag of chips?

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Drive on top of the bag with a car!

How do I boil a pot of water?

 

[Clock]

Volcano is the best place to boil water

How do I walk home?

 

[Hunter_Gr33n]

Worry not, for I will guide you. Take a left, a right, and the second left after that. Once you get to the highway, go in the direction that the cars are going. Continue until you cannot understand the street signs. If you see the Cyrillic script, you've gone too far southeast.

How do I show my houseplant that I mean business?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Lecture it every day until it gets the message.

How do I become better at singing heavy metal songs?

 

[-Blue-]

Listen to heavy metal pipe falling on loop.

How do I get a day off of work?

 

[outofwrlds]

Fake your death.

How do I get rid of this terrible headache?

 

[Millysaurusrexjr]

Write the word "terrible" on your forehead and wash it away with warm water. Repeat the process until the ache is no more!

How do I get my potted cactus to grow?

 

[Goldi Locks]

Give it a load of meds and surgery.

How do I stop bleeding on the carpet?

 

[Beanz]

depends on why you’re bleeding. if you were stabbed you need to re-stab yourself with the knife to clog the hole, or just continue bleeding and you’ll run out of blood.

how do i finish my four page essay?

 

[. Rarity .]

What a delicacy! Well if your having trouble trying to finish off an essay you should add a little dash of pepper, and maybe sauce. I hear it finishes off nicely with a lovely drink on the side. Trust me, you'll be much more satisfied with an essay, it really is a treat! But ya know, can be hard to swallow. Just use the steps above to make it ready for presentation. A properly finished Essay will taste great. Esspecially in fancy resturaunts.

How do I befriend a wasp in my house

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Give it lots of treats and pets. Wasps are usually pretty friendly!

How do I avoid spoilers for a new game that just released?

 

[Beanz]

i say you should completely shut off your access to the internet. destroy your router, destroy the telephone poles outside so that nobody can reach you by phone to spoil what happens in the new game.

oh no! i have a cold, what should i do?

 

[Hunter_Gr33n]

Walk to the nearest incinerator and throw yourself in there! If that doesn't suit you, contact a local arsonist.
What would you say is the best way to have fun with my angry mom?

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

Spend some time at a rage room, and maybe go for some ice-cream afterwards.

How do I make my writing flow better?