Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Support Thread

[ZeldaCrossing64]

I love this thread!! Now I feel like I have a place to talk about these kind of things. ^^

I just came out as non-binary recently, and my friends were kind enough to help me with a new name, which I'm still deciding. My concern is telling my family about it. I'm sure it would affect them and I'm scared that they won't accept me. For example I wouldn't want them to refer to me as their sister, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, etc. and I would prefer the gender-neutral terms instead. Like I said, I'm scared that they won't accept me and that they'll still use my dead name and all that.

What I'm worried about the most with my family is my brother, since he's against LGBTQ+ in general and doesn't like the fact that I'm bisexual, so having to use new words would be too daunting and he most likely won't do it. And also my older family members, specifically my grand-parents. I don't think they would understand the concept, but they were born in a different era so it's not necessarily their fault. I also want to cut my hair, but I don't think anybody in my family is skilled with that, and it would be pretty pricey to get it done professionally. And obviously I can't do it myself. And besides, I would get many comments like "oh but your hair is so beautiful, don't cut it"

Sorry if this post is long and rant-y. T-T

 

[Croconaw]

And besides, I would get many comments like "oh but your hair is so beautiful, don't cut it"

I’m cis, but yeah, I get that. I have short hair. I didn’t like it being long. I actually cut my own hair and style it myself. I didn’t get any comments from my dad or anything, but others in my secondary family wouldn’t have approved of my hair or the way I dress, lmao. I’m happy I did it, though. I recommend cutting your hair if that’s what you want to do. I like it so much better now that it is short. I look like a completely different person now, lol.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

I cut my hair really short almost a year ago and I love it now. everyone told me my long hair was beautiful but it was way too much of a hassle to keep it looking nice and most of the time it didn't actually look that good. I have ocd so I had an incessant need to make my hair look exactly one way and it was driving me mad. now that my hair is short it's way easier to care for (except that I have to have it trimmed every 6 or so weeks bc it grows so fast lol) and it doesn't get in the way anymore

 

[moo_nieu]

trying to help explain to my mother about misgendering and even sent a nice resource meant to help parents understand a little more about what it means to come out as nonbinary, but its really a struggle. she just cant "ignore the facts" that im female and so i should be rightfully and truthfully called her daughter... bruh.. i told her to do some research or just refer to me with gender-neutral terms to appease me because idc i just cant take anymore discrimination from my loved ones .-. i mean i get not understanding or even having reservations about it (if you were raised with a hardcore mindset that being gay is bad), but doesnt she realize that if she wants a relationship with me shes going to have to respect that?

i know many of us have had struggles with our families about identity and sexuality.. has anyone come out on the good side of this with having your family accept you and treat you with respect? alternatively, anyone whos decided to cut ties due to discrimination, when do you decide to do that and how did you cope with moving on?

edit: to be more clear, i still currently have hope my family will accept me and refer to me how i would like, but hearing other peoples experience or advice would be nice

 

[Shawna]

A week and a half ago, I came out to my mom as aro-ace (towards real people).

She is supportive!

 

[Croconaw]

I’m going back and forth on what my sexuality is, lol. All I know is I’m asexual. Could be aromantic, but maybe another term on that spectrum because I don’t want the label of a relationship, but I truly don’t mind being affectionate with close friends. I have love for people but I don’t think it’s, like, relationship love. It’s “I love you as a person and I’ll be affectionate with you, but it doesn’t mean anything more.” I can’t really explain it, but hoping someone else relates or feels the same way. And yeah, I do get crushes sometimes, but those crushes could never progress into something more than a very close friendship for me. Can anyone relate?

 

[Rubombee]

I’m going back and forth on what my sexuality is, lol. All I know is I’m asexual. Could be aromantic, but maybe another term on that spectrum because I don’t want the label of a relationship, but I truly don’t mind being affectionate with close friends. I have love for people but I don’t think it’s, like, relationship love. It’s “I love you as a person and I’ll be affectionate with you, but it doesn’t mean anything more.” I can’t really explain it, but hoping someone else relates or feels the same way. And yeah, I do get crushes sometimes, but those crushes could never progress into something more than a very close friendship for me. Can anyone relate?

Well, as far as I know aromantic means you don't have romantic attraction, it doesn't "interfere" with platonic love at all! So you could be aromantic.

 

[Croconaw]

Well, as far as I know aromantic leans you don't have romantic attraction, it doesn't "interfere" with platonic love at all! So you could be aromantic.

Huh, maybe. I could vibe with that term. It was something that I was looking into, including it’s “umbrella terms.” I did relate to most of the aromantic things, though.

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

trying to help explain to my mother about misgendering and even sent a nice resource meant to help parents understand a little more about what it means to come out as nonbinary, but its really a struggle. she just cant "ignore the facts" that im female and so i should be rightfully and truthfully called her daughter... bruh.. i told her to do some research or just refer to me with gender-neutral terms to appease me because idc i just cant take anymore discrimination from my loved ones .-. i mean i get not understanding or even having reservations about it (if you were raised with a hardcore mindset that being gay is bad), but doesnt she realize that if she wants a relationship with me shes going to have to respect that?

i know many of us have had struggles with our families about identity and sexuality.. has anyone come out on the good side of this with having your family accept you and treat you with respect? alternatively, anyone whos decided to cut ties due to discrimination, when do you decide to do that and how did you cope with moving on?

edit: to be more clear, i still currently have hope my family will accept me and refer to me how i would like, but hearing other peoples experience or advice would be nice

I'm sorry that you have to go through that, I'm facing the same thing. My parents are okay with it (I think), but my brother is being the least bit supportive (code for not at all). I hope your mother + other family members will accept you for who you are, and remember that things will get better! <3

 

[xSuperMario64x]

guys I really need some trans positivity right now, one of my family members on fb is basically just arguing bs and not trying to admit that he and his friends are super transphobic (he even tried to open the convo by suggesting that transphobia means "fear" of trans people and not also hatred/discrimination, I suppose suggesting that transphobia either doesn't exist or is a stupid thing to believe exists).

I get that fb is literally the worst possible place to post stuff about lgbt+ things because everyone on there is basically a boomer who has no respect for lgbt people. but I'm kinda feeling down about it and I really need some trans positivity and love rn

 

[Croconaw]

guys I really need some trans positivity right now, one of my family members on fb is basically just arguing bs and not trying to admit that he and his friends are super transphobic (he even tried to open the convo by suggesting that transphobia means "fear" of trans people and not also hatred/discrimination, I suppose suggesting that transphobia either doesn't exist or is a stupid thing to believe exists).

I get that fb is literally the worst possible place to post stuff about lgbt+ things because everyone on there is basically a boomer who has no respect for lgbt people. but I'm kinda feeling down about it and I really need some trans positivity and love rn

Ugh, I’m sorry. Facebook is literally the worst place for anything lgbt, trans or not trans. It kind of sucks because if you’re openly lgbt, that’s what they target you for. I’ve gotten called the four letter “d” word before for presenting as a more masculine female. I just deleted my Facebook and I honestly haven’t looked back. Even if it’s not discriminating, Facebook is just full of trolls and rude people. The environment of forums are just so much better. Also, you don’t have to be friends with all your family on Facebook. There are some people in my family that I don’t even talk to anymore. Especially since you’re an adult, just cut them off and leave it at that. I understand that’s not always possible, but it’s an option.

 

[LadyDestani]

guys I really need some trans positivity right now, one of my family members on fb is basically just arguing bs and not trying to admit that he and his friends are super transphobic (he even tried to open the convo by suggesting that transphobia means "fear" of trans people and not also hatred/discrimination, I suppose suggesting that transphobia either doesn't exist or is a stupid thing to believe exists).

I get that fb is literally the worst possible place to post stuff about lgbt+ things because everyone on there is basically a boomer who has no respect for lgbt people. but I'm kinda feeling down about it and I really need some trans positivity and love rn

I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I know nothing I can say can really make things better, and nothing you can say will probably change their minds, but just know that there are people who support you.

I second what @Croconaw said too about possibly cutting them out of your life if they are just going to bring you down. I did that in high school with some of my extended family who did not support my relationship with someone of a different race and I felt so much better for it. If they are close family and you love them, you can try to find a common ground, but if nothing is working sometimes letting them go is the best option.

 

[Chris]

guys I really need some trans positivity right now, one of my family members on fb is basically just arguing bs and not trying to admit that he and his friends are super transphobic (he even tried to open the convo by suggesting that transphobia means "fear" of trans people and not also hatred/discrimination, I suppose suggesting that transphobia either doesn't exist or is a stupid thing to believe exists).

I get that fb is literally the worst possible place to post stuff about lgbt+ things because everyone on there is basically a boomer who has no respect for lgbt people. but I'm kinda feeling down about it and I really need some trans positivity and love rn

There's no point in trying to educate people like that. They're not willing to listen. I cut contact with my grandmother over her homo/transphobic behaviours. When my other grandmother died last year, it made me consider if I had done the wrong thing and if I might regret my decision once she's also gone, and as cruel as it sounds I came to the conclusion that I won't. Life's too short to put up with people like that, even if they're family.

In unrelated news, I've a date today with someone new.

 

[Croconaw]

Anywayyyy, I’m finally coming to terms that I’m asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. It kind of feels nice to have a word for it. And “somewhere,” meaning that I definitely feel romantic attraction but I can never let it progress into anything further… Kind of like “I love you so much and you’re a really great friend, but still wouldn’t mind being affectionate with you.”

In unrelated news, I've a date today with someone new.

Congratulations on the date!! I hope it went well!

 

[-Mars-]

---

 

[Croconaw]

-snip-

First of all, I’m sorry your parents aren’t supportive. They/them is gender neutral and I typically default to those terms if I’m unsure of someone’s gender. Also, you don’t have to come out. People don’t come out as straight, so why should anyone else have to come out? Asexuals/Aromantic (both) can usually pass as straight if they’re not interested in dating. Like, just say you’re not into dating anyone. I understand it’s nice to have a label, though. As for “passing as straight,” it doesn’t necessarily sit well with me because it puts a negative energy on people that aren’t straight.

I’m also sex repulsed. I don’t understand the appeal of touching the parts we use to go to the bathroom… Anyway, you can’t force someone to use certain words no matter how right or wrong it is. The more you push it the more reluctant she’ll be to use gender neutral terms. I’m a female, and the whole sex-repulsed thing is usually more negatively seen with us that we don’t want kids or don’t want to “continue the family name.” Especially since I’m also an only child. I’m sorry they’re not accepting your pronouns.

Anyway, it reminds me of something my mom said: “if you’re not having sex, you’re just friends.” You can date without sex. You can have sex without dating. It’s literally unreal that she’d even say this?? What an absurd viewpoint.

 

[-Mars-]

--

 

[Croconaw]

-snip-

Yeah, I understand! I don’t think we can really assume someone’s gender or if someone’s trans or not. Like, I present more masculine and tbh if it wasn’t for my chest, I’d likely pass as a guy, but I do use female pronouns and still identify as female. It’s inevitable that we’re going to notice someone who could be transgender or a feminine guy/masculine female because it’s different to what we normally come across. You can choose to let them be though, and even though my attention is drawn to them I’ll just let them be and not treat them any differently. I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t seem to understand that people can literally be what they want. It’s not 1950 anymore, geez.

 

[Chris]

Congratulations on the date!! I hope it went well!

It went incredibly well. It was only intended to be a coffee date on a Saturday afternoon. We didn't part ways until Monday morning, and that was only because I had to go to work. Since then we've been on the phone talking every day. I'm being introduced to their 4-year-old son tomorrow and I'm equal parts nervous and excited for this step. Everything feels as if it's on fast forward but at the same time it feels so right.

I feel so ticked off,
My straight-cisgender parents can't seem to comprehend what gender identity is no matter how hard I try to explain, no use telling my parents I'm Non-binary and Agender since they will never understand what that even is, I told my mom I use them/they and it's not that she's being unsupportive it's that she isn't gonna really accept it either, she just says that using them/they is different and she's never heard that before, "It must be new" yeah people have used them/they as a singular noun since 1375 good grief... <snip>

I've a few choice words for your father, but when the person who needs to hear it isn't here there's little point in going into it. As for your mother, give her time. This is new to her and it is going to feel very confusing. She may come around as she becomes more familiar with gender identity as a concept. If you push too hard too fast or lecture her then you are going to back her into a corner where she will feel a need to double down and defend her current stance. Kindly-worded, but firm, reminders and encouragement are more likely to help her to understand. e.g. in that situation where you talked about encountering someone non-cisgender in a shop, you could have quietly pointed out that she was staring, and then this might have opened up a dialogue on how that person was presenting. I'd advise patience and understanding while you are still living under her roof. It's a frustrating and long process, but many people cannot change their world view overnight. However, your father sounds like a lost cause and probably won't ever be open to budging an inch. He is also owed no information about your sex life (or lack thereof).

 

[ZeldaCrossing64]

When I tell people that I'm non-binary, they completely ignore me. But when I tell people that I'm bisexual, they're like: "Oh my god, you like girls??" That's why I don't tell people about it anymore, why can't I just be accepted? :/
Not sure if this is supposed to be in the "What's Bothering You?" thread instead.