Rockthemike13's and RedVelvetRabbit's Super Helpful Hotline!!!™ REDUCED RATES!

[rockthemike13]

Greetings The Bell Tree forum goers!

You may not have noticed us, but we've certainly noticed you. It has come to our attention that most of you are every day people with every day problems.

Well we've got an INCREDIBLE deal for you! RedVelvetRabbit and I are opening our own business. Welcome to

THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!? ?

Right now we are staffed by 4 people.

Introducing-

Kyo:

Kyo is our part time advice columnist. He is a gentleman, a scholar and a lover. His way with words will guide (and in worst case, hopelessly romance) the neediest of souls. He only responds on a case by case basis, in between Vel and myself. Kyo is very advanced at what he does, and works at a high cost of 5 kitty treats. If your question is within Kyo's area of expertise, we will at ours and Twitches discretion direct the question to Kyo.

Twitch:

Twitch is our legal rat. All the legalities and contracts of our business are directed to Twitch.

And I am in charge of.... what's that??

Err, Twitch informs me that every thing I own also belongs to my wife. Seriously? Is that how that works? Has she been feeding you the fancy treats again, Twitch?!? So be it. RedVelvetRabbit and I run this little gig.

A little about us- We are a dynamic duo, conquerors of love, life, finances, evil and bot lane. We are absolutely the greatest married advice columnist operators in the tri-county region.


How we operate:
Simply put, you ask a question, ask for advice, or any thing you want really. Vel, Kyo or myself will try to respond at our earliest convenience!

Payment:
BOY OH BOY my fellow feathers. I'm sure at this point you just eager to start click clacking away at the keyboard, but you haven't even heard the best part! We are offering our services for the low low low low price, of completely free! Why do we do it? Because we truly care about you, our fellow forum entertainers. We do accept donations though! We take bell tree... bells. Or animal crossing bells. We also accept riot points, world of warcraft gold, monopoly money, actual money or checks. It all depends on how satisfied you, the customer is.

Feeling down? Needy? Lonely? Bored? Interested? Curious? Need help? Need advice? NEED ANY THING?

ASK AWAY! The Super Helpful Hotline!!!? is now open!

 

[Loffy09]

I'm new to New Leaf, so i have a question (Two, actually!)! How to unlock Dream Suite? And the qr machine thing?

 

[rockthemike13]

Greetings Loffy! My name is Mike, and it would be my pleasure to assist you today.

The Dream Suite is very easy to unlock. First, make sure wifi has been activated on your 3ds. Wifi is using the internet, like Google or something. Then, make sure you have completed some town works projects. These are the things you build in your town, like benches, etc.

Keep checking in on Isabelle, one day you will find her sleeping.

SMACK THAT FRICKEN DOG UPSIDE THE HEAD I mean dude, it isn't enough that she tries to usurp your power as mayor. SHE SLEEPS ON THE JOB. My word, people these days.

If I were running a town, I wouldn't stand for that. I'd be all- FETCH ISABELLE! FETCH THE STICK! RIGHT ON THE TRAIN TRACKS! RIGHT. INTO. THE. OCEAN.

So after she wakes up, if you decide NOT to kill her, she will suggest a dream suite, so she can sleep during work, off site. Typical union workers.


As for the QR machine! This is even better.

Go to the porcupine sisters. Careful, they're real sharp. And I aint talkin about wits, if you know what I mean. Keep talking to the boorish brown porcupine out back. You need to listen to her drone on and on every single day, for 10 days I think. Eventually she'll be all- WHY DID WE SPEND 15,000,000 BELLS ON THIS STUPID MACHINE? What even is it? Go ahead and use it.

I hope I've been of help to you today Loffy! If you ever need any thing, don't be shy, call
THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!™

 

[Fearthecuteness]

I don't have anything to ask I just wanted to say that this is a good thread.
Actually there is one thing that I thought might be a good question for people. Do you have to say your problem here or can people message you privately?

 

[KarlaKGB]

And your credentials are...?

 

[Reindeer]

And your credentials are...?

It's free, who cares what his credentials are. If you don't want to take his advice, then don't. Neither of you loses anything.

 

[rockthemike13]

I don't have anything to ask I just wanted to say that this is a good thread.
Actually there is one thing that I thought might be a good question for people. Do you have to say your problem here or can people message you privately?

Hello Fearthecuteness!

Thank you for contacting the Super Helpful Hotline!!!?

We do in fact take- uh, wait, hold one a second.

Yes Twitch?

: ......

I see I see. Eh hem, correction. We cannot take private messages. Part of the union agreement, Kyo and Twitch are very sensitive about not having fingers to type with, so in their contracts it is stated that all communications in going and outgoing must be publicly available.

: .....

Twitch says that if you do send a private message, you must consent to the question and answer being made public, although, your identity could be kept a secret if you wish. Thank you for contacting us today Fearthecuteness, I hope all your questions have been answered. If you or any of one you know ever needs assistance, feel free to contact the
SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?

Karla, we have representatives standing by, your question has been queried and will be answered in the near future, so please stay tuned.

 

[RedVelvetRabbit]

And your credentials are...?

Ahem...one moment, Kyo is gathering the paperwork. Ah, yes...here we are.

: *meow*

THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?​

 

[radical6]

I have a very bad cut (it took like 3 bandages for one cut) from falling and its still bleeding and i spilled juice on it so what do i do

 

[Shirohibiki]

Kyo is clearly the best. (Sorry Twitch, you're cute too.)
Kyo, why do my cats take up the entire bed?

 

[rockthemike13]

I have a very bad cut (it took like 3 bandages for one cut) from falling and its still bleeding and i spilled juice on it so what do i do

Hello Sun deer! Sun... dehr? Soon dor? Desundered? I'll just call you Sandra.

This is indeed an incredibly urgent predicament. Especially since you've spilled juice on it.

Now I understand that your first instinct will be to try to drink the juice out of your system. This is not recommended. You will probably die before you are able to drink all that juice out, so it's better to let it sit and kind of let your inners deal with whatever is inside.

Ok, now I will attempt to assist you in the healing process. More information would have been helpful, like... do you have any medical conditions? Do you cut yourself often? Do you faint at the sight of blood?

Take a towel or something of the sort and apply pressure to the cut to try to stop the bleeding.

......

Oh yes, have you tried web MD? Twitch informs me that the politically correct thing to do would be to tell you to talk to a medically trained doctor. But who has time for that?! You're probably all ready shriveling up, bleeding yourself out for the past... what has it been? 3 hours?

Remain calm, don't panic. If you're dead, this could be really really bad for business. Are you dead? Please say something if you're not dead.

...

OH GAWD you're not responding. Ok, remain calm, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Oh dear lord. Are you still dead? Did you die from this cut on your hand with juice splashed all over it? We're screwed man. I can see the lawsuits coming from a mile away.

If you're still alive, then I suppose my advice has helped you! IN WHICH CASE, thank you for calling the-
SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?

 

[RedVelvetRabbit]

Kyo is clearly the best. (Sorry Twitch, you're cute too.)
Kyo, why do my cats take up the entire bed?

: ...*meow*?

: .........*me --

: EOW*.



Ahem... Kyo at first appears puzzled by such a question. He says "Cats deserve to take up as much bed space as they [expletive] well want." But also thinks perhaps they're just fat and need to run around the room in the early hours of the morning to keep in shape like him to take up less space...

...um, Kyo...? When you went to the vet they declared you 5 pounds over-weight and you typically just sleep all day and eat a bunch of Creamy Dairy Flavor Temptations treats... Not to mention that hanging jiggle fat that swings back and forth when you run...

: !?!?


!!! I MEAN, UH.....Kyo, when you lay on top of me at night, I hardly even notice. ...Not to mention, how much we conserve the air's oxygen when you do...


Kyo also wants to let you know he appreciates your good taste and sends this autographed sexy picture.

THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?​

 

[staticistic1114]

even if I do not have a problem , I will come up with a problem
this hotline is just too epic

 

[In_The_Tardis]

What do you do if the boy you like, isn't real he is only in a book?

 

[de-carabas]

oh my god this thread is amazing.

 

[RhinoK]

i have a rat infestation

 

[rockthemike13]

even if I do not have a problem , I will come up with a problem
this hotline is just too epic

Hello Staticsitic! Thank you so much for your inquiry.

We here at THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!™ believe in helping every body, small, large, round, thin, happy, sad, simple or else not.

And your problem, of not having a problem, is as valid as any bodies problem. So I personally would love to help you out.

I would like to stick to my gut instinct here, and tell you to listen to "They". "They" is a great source of advice to turn to. And in this case, "They" can be heard saying "Don't go looking for trouble".

Well, today, "They" can just buzz off, because trouble is a great and usually free source of problems!

I would like to recommend one of my personal favorite sources of trouble, FIREWORKS.

They're noisy, dangerous and extremely fun. If you live with your parents, I would start by setting some off in their bedroom some time between 1 AM and 3 AM. MOST parents aren't too keen on this kind of thing, and I'm sure they'd be more than likely to create problems for you. If you don't live with your parents, you can try this against roommates, spouses, siblings, neighbors, landlords etc. This will normally lead to minor problems, such as law enforcement (I'm sure there's a rule some where stating this is illegal) or revenge pranks (if that some body is like me).

Do you have your license? If so, that's ok. If not, that's great as it will help your cause here a lot more. If you don't own a car, "borrow" one! It's as easy as grabbing some bodies keys and driving off, and in this scenario you'd have more than enough time to get away with it.

The next part is easy!! Drive into somebodies, preferably some body you can't stand (ideas are- principals, bullies, bosses, obnoxious co-workers, naggy exes, slack jawed politicians or noisy neighbors) front door. And I mean RAM it in there. You will total the car, and practically destroy Mr. X's house. You would win in every scenario, I would highly recommend this method. When the hammer comes down on you, you all ways have a friend in our favorite legal rat!

.... (((no you don't))))

Driving through some bodies front door would be a hilarious and fun event to be remembered for the rest of your life, though understandably it may be a lot more problems than you're bargaining for. So it may be worth considering finding something a little less problematic to suit your needs.

Some times it's worth thinking simply! Sucker punch your best friend. In most cases, best friends are panzys, and would probably cry to some body. The trouble you get into would warrant only minor problems.

There are plenty of ways to create problems, and I'm sure the power of your mind can unlock the secrets. You may just need to think creatively! Here are one of my favorite videos on the matter.

When you find a problem, we will be happy to provide a follow up. We could offer advice on things such as- how to fake a great job resume! How to evade the police! How to get people to respect you for your downright badditude.

I hope I was of nothing less than great assistance today, thank you so much for contacting THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!™

 

[RedVelvetRabbit]

What do you do if the boy you like, isn't real he is only in a book?

Whelp, I think you have a few options here, depending on how rich you are.

If very rich, then...#1​

• Envision exactly how you want him to look if he was indeed real.
• Find a bunch of guys that match your dreamy vision.
• Host an actor audition for one of them to play the part of his life for the rest of yours.
• Hire a pastor actor, hold a staged wedding, and life happily ever after.
• Fire him and hire another guy if he ever breaks character.

If kind of rich, then...#2​

• First 2 steps of #1
• Take a photo of your chosen man and make it into a giant cardboard cutout to put in your bedroom to guard over you at night and possibly carry around places.
• Watch out for indoor rain storms and despite his cardboard masculinity, pretend he's just as real as he isn't.

If not so rich, then...#3​

• Create a fake facebook page for him, including all his likes and interests.
• Change relationship status to married.
• Pretend that you're really a couple and fool the world.
• Meet him at night in your dreams.

If really not so rich, then...#4​

• Write a fanfiction about it?

One of those ought to work for ya. Anyway, Kyo wanted you to know that he completely understands what you're going through... He fell in love with a fictional woman once. And what's worse, she wasn't even a woman cat! She was a cat woman.

Much love and regards, all of us at THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?​

 

[rockthemike13]

i have a rat infestation

HOO boy RhinoK. I thought we were fairly clear as to what kind of hotline this is, this is a hotline for people with PROBLEMS! It does NOT sound like you have a problem!

I digress. Twitch tells me tales of his days in legal grad school, and the rat parties were the stuff of legends. Rats tend to party incredibly hard, I can understand not wanting too many unwanted guests eating up all your cheese, and drinking your cheap booze.

Now, do you have any idea where the rats are located? There are things rats really cannot stand, and will leave if prompted, let me try to guide you in the eviction process.

It is a well known fact that rats may be rambunctious fellows, but deep down they are refined gentleman and madamoiselles. They eat delicately and speak delicately. You need to disrupt this hierarchy, and do it fast.

A good start, is to bother them with horribad music. Start with rap, J-pop, K-pop, L-pop, soda pop, regular pop, death metal or 1990+ country music works well too. Play it loud, and play it constantly. You won't notice for a while, but they really will become irritated. This will not be enough to get them to leave.

Rats need food to eat. They are crafty scavengers. They are also LAZY crafty scavengers. A rat cannot resist food left in the open. Rats are really intelligent, do not try to poison them, so help me, they will poison you in your sleep. You need not to offend them!

So, leave out some really greasy food. It will probably give them indigestion. Leave nothing but greasy food out, leave them no other option. French fries, ramen and slices of pizza work fairly well. Enough of this, and they'll start tiring of their dining options.

Hopefully the mix of terrible music and terrible food will have them packing, and there will hopefully be no hard feelings lest they devour you in your sleep. But there is one final thing you can do, though I would only recommend this as a final resort.

Take away their bro time. Rats cannot survive without bro time. Just take away their booze, tv and little rat man caves. They will leave, I guarantee it.

Let me know how it works out RhinoK! Any more questions feel free to contact us again.

THE SUPER HELPFUL HOTLINE!!!?

 

[purple888]

My problem?

I have a tendency to bump old threads but still....

Kyo is so cute he's giving me a headache how can i stop ahhhh?