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Threads in this board should only be bumped once every four or more hours. Animal Crossing trading belongs in Nook's Cranny and other boards located here, even when using TBT Bells.
Giveaway RAFFLE 300 TBT WINNER ANNOUNCED
- Thread starter CaliNewLeaf
- Start date
Well its certainly not perfect, however reading through the comments to find out your 12... It's pretty excellent for the age you are! I would give it a 9 - Great!
Keep those creative juices flowing - it doesn't have to be perfect but it certainly is readable and sets the scene well - just a few sentences could be rephrased. You will learn in time and doing things like this is amazing for your age! You clearly love to explore your imagination with writing!
Keep those creative juices flowing - it doesn't have to be perfect but it certainly is readable and sets the scene well - just a few sentences could be rephrased. You will learn in time and doing things like this is amazing for your age! You clearly love to explore your imagination with writing!
sizzi
♥ A tough act to follow ♥
6
Now first of all, I personally enjoy fantasy novels better than real (or realistic stories) so keep that in mind when considering my rating. To be honest, the 1st couple sentences sounded "little-kiddish" and I don't feel like it matched the more mature tone of the rest of the piece. The first couple sentences should be the best part of the writing so make sure they "draw the reader in" with an exciting beginning that makes them want to read more. Also in some places, the text switches between past and present tense, so clean those areas up to make the text more fluent. Also the sentence "If they don't like the true me- screw them," needs to go. It makes you sound snottish and also, why would these "horrible bullies" like you, when you want the reader to initially believe they don't care for anyone besides themselves. Also, change your sentence starters. This is a more professional tip, but it will make your writing 10x more engaging. A lot of your sentences start with "I" or "in" (etc.) So, for example the sentence "I went on my break and went into the hallway" could become "Nonchalantly, yet hurriedly none the less, I walked into the hallway, relieved to finally be on my break." You did a very nice job with the dialogue portion of the text, and the way each character said their lines was easy to imagine. However, you can make your descriptions a little more detailed by perhaps giving more information about the way the school looked. Or the boy looked. Or anything you feel like would help people who havent been to your school visualize a similar setting. I can see this story being very cute and eventually a successful teenage novel! Feel free to take or ignore any of my suggestions! Thanks so much for sharing your writing and I hope this helps you!
I'm also 14 so think of this as one inexperienced teen writer to another
Now first of all, I personally enjoy fantasy novels better than real (or realistic stories) so keep that in mind when considering my rating. To be honest, the 1st couple sentences sounded "little-kiddish" and I don't feel like it matched the more mature tone of the rest of the piece. The first couple sentences should be the best part of the writing so make sure they "draw the reader in" with an exciting beginning that makes them want to read more. Also in some places, the text switches between past and present tense, so clean those areas up to make the text more fluent. Also the sentence "If they don't like the true me- screw them," needs to go. It makes you sound snottish and also, why would these "horrible bullies" like you, when you want the reader to initially believe they don't care for anyone besides themselves. Also, change your sentence starters. This is a more professional tip, but it will make your writing 10x more engaging. A lot of your sentences start with "I" or "in" (etc.) So, for example the sentence "I went on my break and went into the hallway" could become "Nonchalantly, yet hurriedly none the less, I walked into the hallway, relieved to finally be on my break." You did a very nice job with the dialogue portion of the text, and the way each character said their lines was easy to imagine. However, you can make your descriptions a little more detailed by perhaps giving more information about the way the school looked. Or the boy looked. Or anything you feel like would help people who havent been to your school visualize a similar setting. I can see this story being very cute and eventually a successful teenage novel! Feel free to take or ignore any of my suggestions! Thanks so much for sharing your writing and I hope this helps you!
I'm also 14 so think of this as one inexperienced teen writer to another
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CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
6
Now first of all, I personally enjoy fantasy novels better than real (or realistic stories) so keep that in mind when considering my rating. To be honest, the 1st couple sentences sounded "little-kiddish" and I don't feel like it matched the more mature tone of the rest of the piece. The first couple sentences should be the best part of the writing so make sure they "draw the reader in" with an exciting beginning that makes them want to read more. Also in some places, the text switches between past and present tense, so clean those areas up to make the text more fluent. Also the sentence "If they don't like the true me- screw them," needs to go. It makes you sound snottish and also, why would these "horrible bullies" like you, when you want the reader to initially believe they don't care for anyone besides themselves. Also, change your sentence starters. This is a more professional tip, but it will make your writing 10x more engaging. A lot of your sentences start with "I" or "in" (etc.) So, for example the sentence "I went on my break and went into the hallway" could become "Nonchalantly, yet hurriedly none the less, I walked into the hallway, relieved to finally be on my break." You did a very nice job with the dialogue portion of the text, and the way each character said their lines was easy to imagine. However, you can make your descriptions a little more detailed by perhaps giving more information about the way the school looked. Or the boy looked. Or anything you feel like would help people who havent been to your school visualize a similar setting. I can see this story being very cute and eventually a successful teenage novel! Feel free to take or ignore any of my suggestions! Thanks so much for sharing your writing and I hope this helps you!
I'm also 14 so think of this as one inexperienced teen writer to another
^_^ Thank you<33 will keep that in mind im not done finishing the editing, so I will totally keep that in mind.
GalacticGhost
Senior Member
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CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
HAHA XDD. Thanks i guess i made typos didnt realize it thanks though!
CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
bump
King Dorado
you can do anything
why didn't you ever award the prizes you promised everyone for helping you prepare your Chavez study guide in your last "giveaway?" 
CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
why didn't you ever award the prizes you promised everyone for helping you prepare your Chavez study guide in your last "giveaway?"
i think i did it was 500 tbt and i didnt spend anything else i dont believe
King Dorado
you can do anything
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CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
yeah, i gave that one already. you can see my transactions.
pipty
Almost struck the lotto
I'd give 6 mostly for the grammar (I'm very critical about grammar when it comes to reading material), but has alot of potential content wise. Maybe focus more on character development throughout the book as well cause many books nowadays lack the depth in terms of character development and it just seems very.. Flat. But school stories are always nice
CaliNewLeaf
Fauna ♡
Any last chance entries? P.S Starring it gives you another entry!
- - - Post Merge - - -
VENICE IS THE WINNER. Message me to claim your prize!
- - - Post Merge - - -
VENICE IS THE WINNER. Message me to claim your prize!
King Dorado
you can do anything
congrats Venice!
like why do they have to message you? why didn't you just transfer the bells to venice already, like how everybody else in the community does it?
no, we can't see your transactions. all i know is that i had the only entry in the bonus section, and i didnt receive anything. and you never announced a winner for the main section. you asked for a good bit of work from the entrants to help you out, and it wasnt fair of you to neglect naming winners and giving out the promised rewards.
i hope venice at least gets their prize won today very soon.
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