Hi everyone! I'm writing a proper (much, much) longer post now, especially since I sort of spent a lot of yesterday thinking about things... and today I'm
not out for 16 hours in back-to-back stuff, so I can properly think through and articulate things!
(Thanks to LadyDestani for responding yesterday, since I had no spoons left, by the way.)
This post is going to be fairly long, so starting with a very quick summary of the main point:
I've decided that I won't be making the puzzle backdrop. There's a lot of context that I feel I should elaborate on, but I think it's going to be a lot to read about and don't actually expect everyone to do so!
I do want to say that I appreciate all of the opinions and feedback that were posted: this is a decision that, while addition input helped, was one that I landed on myself after thinking about it a lot. I know there's always been a bit of a concern whenever there are opinions with different perspectives/goals, but I do think that everyone has been incredibly well-meaning and kind. I think it's important to advocate for your own views and for others who aren't comfortable expressing things themselves
* - I can't possibly try to come up with or assume everyone's perspectives or feelings, so I do genuinely appreciate hearing other people's thoughts on the matter, whether my final decisions align with them or not!
* As a note on this: if you aren't comfortable posting a suggestion publicly for a backdrop, please do feel free to PM me!
Without further ado, some
probably excessive context and explanation!
(I've put headers for things that are just contextual information, and then the main explanation for my decision making - I certainly do not expect people to read everything, and feel free to skip over the context!)
Context (Feel free to skip to the "Main" part!)
Mistreil's personal perspective/philosophies
Just to get this out of the way: because I am the one who decided to make the backdrops and this entire thread, I think it's important to acknowledge that this entire part is in the hands of my own discretion, decision making, and time. As a result, I also have to be very mindful, especially when I have to refuse a symbol/flag/etc., and feel like I need a proper reason to do so: it seems incredibly unfair to me otherwise.
While I believe a vast majority hold similar views as me, there are some issues that are a bit more multifaceted and which aren't as clear cut -- hence a lot of the conversation going on, and my previous decision! I do strongly believe that, at the end of the day, everyone is trying to do good: whether this is accepting that other people may use a symbol (especially one that they themselves might not personally use), or advocating against its use.
I have a lot of personal preferences and gut reactions to some things and topics - but as a personal principle, I do try to think past it when I can: this means doing more research on the context, getting more opinions from various sides, and trying to re-evaluate things based on that. I absolutely do
not expect other people to do the same, because it's a lot and can be overwhelming, but it's something I do to make sure I'm not being too unfair. This is especially important to me, since I do try to believe the most people are well-meaning, so I want to be fair to people even if I don't completely agree.
(With that said: sometimes I don't do this for whatever reason - I'm human! And I also don't mean any of this in terms of moral superiority - it's actually a process that I've built because I was the complete opposite: I was very quick to assume the worst, to assume that everyone knew the same things I did, and so on. But I hated that for various reasons, and it was incredibly unfair to people!)
Regardless: what this usually means is that I try to weigh a lot of different factors against each other and try to come to a decision that I can come to terms with - whether it's one that I personally like or not. I think people consider different factors, and weigh them differently - and that's fine and important, especially for discussions!
There were various reasons that I mentioned
previously that factored into my decision. Namely:
- I feel more uncomfortable telling neurodivergent/autistic individuals that they can't/shouldn't use a symbol that they feel represents them.
- Other parts of the world do not have the same association.
- The puzzle piece itself was chosen without consideration for or input from autistic people, so I felt it's disingenuous of me to do similar in the opposite direction, even if I mean well by it.
I think (1) and (3) don't quite need more elaboration, but (2) is something I
do feel the need to give a bit more context on - particularly the fact that I intentionally put consideration towards other parts of the world.
First: I live in Canada! This means I am in North America, and the things that happen in the US do affect me, and I do have a lot of friends from the US. This affects my worldview and opinions on various topics. At the same time, it does mean that I am aware of how US-centric some spaces are and that the internet at large functions with an assumption that people are from the US.
In addition to that: some of the friends that I hang out with the most are
not from North America - they live in Europe or Asia! This means I regularly question whether things that are common for me are also common for them, or if there's entirely different contexts.
(As a side note: this is also why a lot of times I pick for game sessions are early or maybe somewhat strange for NA. I think if you remember my session schedule from TBTWC, it was very much "early mornings - afternoons (EST)", even at times where I would rather not be awake. I am very conscious of timezones because I don't like my friends staying up at midnight to play with me! I would rather pick times that are a bit inconvenient, with the knowledge that a lot of other staff would pick times more convenient for people in NA. This is and was all a very conscious decision on my part!)
With those in hand, I think the consideration I put towards (2) might make a bit more sense to everyone: I find it incredibly difficult to disregard the fact that contexts are different in other parts of the world, and I really don't like the idea of things being withheld from people as a result of cultural/geographical differences.
In any case: this is sort of additional context for my earlier decision - so hopefully all of that makes sense!
Mistreil's personal perspective on the purpose of the backdrops/flags/etc.
This one is a bit of a side note, but I do want to acknowledge that various people (not just one!) have mentioned that maybe using umbrellas/more general flags would be better. I do agree that it's definitely the safer choice, but I knowingly decided to allow more specific representation for a few reasons!
First: again, this entire backdrop thing is sort of at my own discretion. I would find it difficult to reject a request for a more specific flag on the terms that there's a broader one that exists, and I also would find it difficult to come up with all of the correct umbrellas without people requesting them.
Second: I like specific flags, for various reasons! I think umbrellas are lovely, but the existence of specific identities and representation is sort of a way of signaling that people aren't alone in their experience, and also lets people know that these experiences exist.
As a personal anecdote: I didn't know that aromanticism/asexuality existed for a while! While I understood the rainbow flag at large, and I was supportive of my LGBT friends, but none of that ever actually informed me of its existence. For a while I just thought that "I'm probably just straight and really really really really uninterested/picky, or weird. School is more important, anyways." I never felt any attraction to either gender, so that made sense. I only learned it when I saw it randomly on tumblr, and I was just, "
Ohhhh." Everything made sense, and it felt incredibly comforting to me that my experience wasn't
just a "me" thing.
For the aro/ace community itself, I think there are a lot of variations and self-doubt: I've seen a lot of people that wondered whether they actually belonged for various reasons (e.g. some people are sex-repulsed, others aren't; some can experience
desire but not attraction, while others don't feel desire whatsoever.) So the specifics do make a difference in letting people know they do still belong, and that they aren't alone in their experience (even if a bit different from the umbrella) - demisexuality is one of the more common examples!
I think having specific representation is a way of acknowledging that people experience things in different ways, and that they aren't alone in that. Similarly, it also raises awareness that those experiences exist, and maybe someone will resonate with it and it'll help them understand themselves better!
To me, it doesn't quite matter so much whether people
use the backdrop or not, so much as the fact that I want them to exist for the above reasons.
Somewhat related, -Mars- mentioned the idea of making a poll to come to a decision: I also thought about this for a while too! (And I very much do appreciate the fact that you are being mindful of people that don't want to out themselves or post publicly - I think there are a lot of people lurking with their own opinions and I do want to be mindful of that too!)
But with the way that I approach things, I realized that if even
one person wanted a representation for themselves, I would be very hard pressed to say "No" without a proper reason, and the poll results would feel... insufficient, at best. It is a simpler solution, but I feel like it's disingenuous to take a simpler solution for this topic.
The puzzle backdrop would have been for neurodivergence/autism representation, particularly as a recognizable symbol in other countries. This would have been the
intention, which gets more complicated with all of the other points mentioned in this thread. But the
intention requires context, which brings me to the explanation on why I've changed my mind:
Main: Why I'm not making the puzzle backdrop
Knowing the intention would have required people to sort of read and understand my logic and perspective, to which I started wondering if that's even fair to ask. I do think there are a lot of people who will take part in the event without having looked at this thread, and thus they would sort of be missing all of this context... which is fine! I don't think this should be required reading or anything - that seems a little bit excessive to me.
This means that, in addition to people who have voiced their discomfort here (even though they might understand my perspective), there may be others who will see it and have their own feelings. I think a large amount of people here understand that "it's okay for people to use that symbol even if they personally wouldn't" - but for people who don't see this thread, they might be missing that understanding.
For those people in particular: if they see someone pick the puzzle backdrop over the rainbow infinity, then I think it ends up sending an entirely different message than what was intended. While I believe that most people will still be polite, I do think that it's possible that people will feel put off by members that use it. Even for those that understand the reasoning, even if they don't agree, I think a subconscious bias is possible and they might have a negative association with a member as a result. And, at worst, a member is harassed for their usage of it -- I want to believe that this won't happen, but I do have to acknowledge this as a risk.
(This is similar to what Aerith had mentioned previously, and I think it's noticeable in a lot of instances: people harassing others for the representation they chose for themselves. This is sadly common with younger generations targeting older ones for symbols or language that they use, and completely disregards the context.)
Having come to that thought, I think it does have potential to do harm to the people that I want represented (neurodivergent / autistic individuals in other countries). I think the chance is small, but not impossible, and in combination with the fact that there are members who are uncomfortable with even its existence and a lot of other factors mentioned in this thread: I feel like I can't really make the backdrop in good conscience.
I do want to be firm with saying that I think it's okay for people to use the representation that suits them, even if I can't include it as a backdrop! I think most people do understand this and hold that same perspective, but reality is a bit more complicated than that.
I do think that, with the exclusion of that backdrop: there's also a chance for people who aren't reading this thread, to maybe wonder what the rainbow infinity symbol is, why it's there instead of the puzzle piece, and to learn that context too.
I'm hoping that: if there are people who feel disappointed by the lack of a puzzle backdrop (which... maybe there aren't - that'd be great if so), the fact that there are larger discussions and considerations on the matter, and that there is a larger reason on
why it's not there will be understood.
Was all of this necessary to write?
Probably not! I think most people would understand the decision regardless! (Ā“ā½`Źā”ĘŖ)
... But I do think it's important to explain 1) why this decision was difficult for me, especially when it's very clear cut to others; and 2) that my decision to explicitly exclude something was done after careful consideration.
I think if I make a decision like this where I feel like someone on either side might feel put off, that I do owe a proper explanation if I'm able to!
(Whether people agree or accept it is a different matter, and not really within my control. You are 100% within your rights to not agree with or accept my decisions or explanations! It's just not fair to other people, or to me, if I don't try to explain.)
Aaand with that said, I think it covers most of my main thoughts
(although I admittedly may have forgotten some things I wanted to mention - it might be for the better since this was already long). I do apologize for flipflopping on my decisions, and for the really long post!
Thank you for
listening to my ted talk reading, and for your understanding! I hope everything made sense - I'm not really going to proofread it since I think I've been writing for like 3+ hours.
I may have been writing this instead of doing work, but that work was... a lot of reading anyways. I will pray I can skim fast enough.
This is also why people shouldn't ask me to talk on multifaceted topics. You end up with a really long essay - and I'm like this about a lot of things. Nuance is important to me, and I don't like skipping over it - or if I do skip over it, I do it very poorly. I'm sort of a disaster. (Ā“ćļ¼æćļ½) send help.
Probably not gonna be the last time of someone asking here..
more unity because it reduces symbols and multiple flags of the same individualistic feature to argue over or to feel upset about. And reduces the length of the list of flag creation if there is something about umbrella flags to be upset about and more than one of something needs made. 
