A request to people who are not LGBT+

[Buttonsy]

I'm hoping this is the right place to put this thread.

I feel incredibly awkward about this, but I feel this is a necessary post.

I am LGBT+, I am transgender and bisexual, and I am closeted to almost everyone in my life. I really want to come out, it's very suffocating for many reasons. I can't be myself, I can't speak openly about my thoughts, and I run the risk that there are people in my life that would hate me if they knew who I really was. It's very draining. But I really cannot come out at this point. But if I knew which of my family members were supportive of LGBT+ people, I could probably come out tomorrow.

I feel that there are a lot of people who think that if they are not LGBT+, that they don't really need to speak on those issues, but if you just posted a link to an LGBT+ supportive article on Facebook or said that you give support to the LGBT+ community next time you hear people talking about LGBT+ issues or something, that communicates to all your friends and family that they can talk to you about LGBT+ stuff. I think there is a very high chance that someone in your life is LGBT+ and in the closet. Just occasionally putting a small something out there that let's people know that if they want to come out, you won't hate them and disown them, means the world to some people.

Anyways, it's your choice what you do, but please think about that someone you know personally- your parents, your siblings, your best friends, who knows- could very well be LGBT+ and in the closet, and just a small showing that you are okay with LGBT+ people could change their life. And the LGBT+ community as a whole could really use a boost of extra support and/or allyship after the events that happened yesterday, which were most certainly an act of homophobia.

I also want to point out that it would still make a world of difference to many people if you even just passively mention LGBT+ support stuff, but if you wanted to be more active, here is a video that has some good tips on becoming an ally: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dg86g-QlM0

Thank you for reading all that. You can use this thread to talk about being closeted if you are LGBT+, or asking for tips on ally and support related advice if you aren't.

 

[Cazqui]

If someone hates you for being you and can't accept you, they don't belong in your life in the first place. No need to keep unabashedly hateful and negative people around.

 

[f11]

Good thread.

 

[Miii]

I don't think anyone in your life would hate you for revealing that you're trans or bisexual. Since you're not open about it, however, they'll likely be surprised, even shocked, and it's hard to keep your cool and say the right things when you're shocked. When you do decide to come out, remember that the people in your life will need some time to adjust and to let everything you tell them sink in. After that, they'll most likely accept you, and you won't need to worry anymore.

I agree with Cazqui; if they didn't hate you before, and only hate you in the future because they find out you're trans and bisexual, then they aren't valuing you based of the right things, and they have no place in your life.

 

[zoetrope]

If someone hates you for being you and can't accept you, they don't belong in your life in the first place.

That's true, but it's not always easy for people to cut some others out of their life, especially in a parent/child situation where the child is still dependent on shelter, food, etc.

 

[debinoresu]

tbh im closeted as well (not to my friends ofc) but my plan is to just sort of move north and just talk to my family on phonecalls and, need be if i ever need to go near them just like wow hey im a guy now but i live independently so i dont want to hear **** about it, and if i get **** about it ill just leave bc i Live Independently and would be able to afford to just leave and not stay near them.

 

[moonford]

I was thinking of posting something similar to this but, you beat me too, I just found out about the shootings today.

 

[Buttonsy]

If someone hates you for being you and can't accept you, they don't belong in your life in the first place. No need to keep unabashedly hateful and negative people around.

Thank you for the encouragement, although unfortunately, my personal situation is a little more complicated than that. Most of the people in my family I treasure the most are my younger siblings and cousins, and while I could handle them rejecting me themselves, their parents opinion of me is more important than their opinion of me, as if they thought me being trans and bi was a bad influence, they could cut them off from ever talking to me again until like a decade from now when they are all grown up. There are also a lot of people who really do need to be accepted by others for their own mental health, even if they do know that they wouldn't be accepted if they were out.

 

[KawaiiPanda]

I respect people no matter what. Homophobia is wrong and we should treat everyone equally c:

 

[etsusho]

Sorry to hear about your situation. That's really tough.

And although I see the point of people who think that people who can't accept it shouldn't be in your life - it's not that easy. What if your parents/family is super religious or something? Or are just not necessarily understanding? If you are close to them, it would be really hard to just cut ties (whether or not you are dependent on them). If I were in a similar situation, I don't know what I'd do. If I thought there was a good chance I'd be cut off from my family, I prob wouldn't tell them, and just live a separate life that I didn't speak of. I don't need them for financial support or anything, but I just really love them.

I had a lot of LGBT friends in school, and hearing about their struggles made me feel really sad about their situations. And it sucks that there's nothing you can do to change some people's minds about it. I think it can be tougher to speak to older generations, especially, since they grew up with different views of life and the world than we did, and it can be hard for them to change at this point.

 

[Aali]

I used to have a trans friend. she goes by Jasmine now. Her mom hates her for being trans. I haven't spoke to her in like a year because we grew apart but she was pretty chill and she could talk to me about her mom. I wish her mom would be more undertsand and quit disconecting her internet (because she doesn't like Jasmine's supportive friends online) and wanting to kick her out and refusing to use she/her pronouns. Its been a year, so I hope her mom finally got it through her head to love her kid no matter what

 

[Buttonsy]

I used to have a trans friend. she goes by Jasmine now. Her mom hates her for being trans. I haven't spoke to her in like a year because we grew apart but she was pretty chill and she could talk to me about her mom. I wish her mom would be more undertsand and quit disconecting her internet (because she doesn't like Jasmine's supportive friends online) and wanting to kick her out and refusing to use she/her pronouns. Its been a year, so I hope her mom finally got it through her head to love her kid no matter what

I hope so too. I don't think anyone should become a parent if they can't accept the reality that their kid could be LGBT.

 

[Fleshy]

I hope so too. I don't think anyone should become a parent if they can't accept the reality that their kid could be LGBT.

I think this is important, seeing so many parents that aren't supporting is devastating

 

[Aestivate]

Hmm, interesting thread. I don't know about the mentality in other countries regarding these kind of subjects, but here it's basically 'Do/be whatever you want, it's your life not mine'.

If I'm not mistaken, you try to exhort us to more publicly announce that we are pro LGBT+? I get that might encourage LGBT+'s who are still in the closet to come out, but I also feel like you would be putting more attention to the differences between LGBT+ people and non-LGBT+ people, by doing this. I don't think putting more attention to the differences between 2 perfectly fine groups of people is what the LGBT+ community needs to be accepted as a similar human being in society.

Honestly, if someone I know would come out to me tomorrow then I simply wouldn't care. Good for him/her, but why is it important to notify me of that? You can date/be whomever you want, regardless if I know about your gender/sexual preference.

I don't think it's healthy for the LGBT+ community to endeavor that whole society will accept your sexuality/sexual preference. There will be people who - for example because of religious reasons - will not agree with it. However, not agreeing with something because of your religion isn't the same as not accepting a person. A religious person can perfectly fine disagree with the fact that you're for example homosexual, but can still accept you as a human being. Sadly that isn't always the case. That's why I hope the LGBT+ community will stop thinking they have to be accepted by whole society to be themselves.

 

[Corrie]

I am bisexual and I have been wanting to tell my boyfriend about it because I hate lying to him about my sexuality. Not that it has much to do with him anyway cause I like both males and females, I still feel like I should tell him. I have hinted enough about it, I think, for him to get the message but I am still not sure.

What I recommend is to hint it somehow. I usually comment about how this female is hot or a milf or whatever. Good luck <3

 

[Aestivate]

I am bisexual and I have been wanting to tell my boyfriend about it because I hate lying to him about my sexuality. Not that it has much to do with him anyway cause I like both males and females, I still feel like I should tell him. I have hinted enough about it, I think, for him to get the message but I am still not sure.

What I recommend is to hint it somehow. I usually comment about how this female is hot or a milf or whatever. Good luck <3

I don't think most partners will have a problem with this, especially not if you've already been in a relationship with the other for a period of time. From a personal viewpoint, I would find it important that my partner would tell me if he/she is still interested in a monogamous relationship or not. More important than if he/she is bisexual.
Again personally, I would actually be happy if my partner would tell me this, not because I now know about his/her sexual preference, but because telling something like this shows that you trust your partner.

 

[Buttonsy]

Hmm, interesting thread. I don't know about the mentality in other countries regarding these kind of subjects, but here it's basically 'Do/be whatever you want, it's your life not mine'.

If I'm not mistaken, you try to exhort us to more publicly announce that we are pro LGBT+? I get that might encourage LGBT+'s who are still in the closet to come out, but I also feel like you would be putting more attention to the differences between LGBT+ people and non-LGBT+ people, by doing this. I don't think putting more attention to the differences between 2 perfectly fine groups of people is what the LGBT+ community needs to be accepted as a similar human being in society.

Honestly, if someone I know would come out to me tomorrow then I simply wouldn't care. Good for him/her, but why is it important to notify me of that? You can date/be whomever you want, regardless if I know about your gender/sexual preference.

I don't think it's healthy for the LGBT+ community to endeavor that whole society will accept your sexuality/sexual preference. There will be people who - for example because of religious reasons - will not agree with it. However, not agreeing with something because of your religion isn't the same as not accepting a person. A religious person can perfectly fine disagree with the fact that you're for example homosexual, but can still accept you as a human being. Sadly that isn't always the case. That's why I hope the LGBT+ community will stop thinking they have to be accepted by whole society to be themselves.

I don't really understand why putting attention on the differences between cisgender/straight people and LGBT+ people is necessarily a bad thing if by doing so you are letting your friends and family know that if they come out to you, you aren't going to get violent or never speak to them again. Cisgender/straight people ARE different from LGBT+ people, the big thing is that those differences don't make us bad people.

It's important to some people to come out for a whole bunch of reasons, including: 1. People may not want people in their lives who are bigoted towards their sexuality or gender identity and want to use this to rid their lives of toxic people, 2. Because being LGBT+ is dangerous in our society and they may want support, 3. To express ourselves freely, 4. As a statement to fight against homophobia and transphobia by letting everyone know that they know an LGBT+ person (there are many people who are homophobic and transphobic until they actually get to know LGBT+ people in real life).

I don't think it's healthy that the LGBT+ community is still so hated that we are dying. Dying isn't healthy. There are always going to be bigots, but we'd like to get to a point where people holding hands in public couldn't lead to death. The Orlando shooting was driven by homophobia. According to the shooters father, his son got angry after seeing two men kissing. Not some obscene act, just kissing. There was another shooting at a gay club in Mexico just a few weeks ago. There have been so many transgender women of colour murdered this year. It's not just about hoping every person will be kind to us, it's about ending violence.
Also, most forms of religiously driven homophobia and transphobia can be easily disproven. There are many resources online dedicated to pointing out how religious text is grossly misinterpreted or mistranslated to be viewed as homophobic or transphobic. While the only one I have on-hand at the moment is Christianity based, I'm pretty sure there are websites like this for every religion: http://hoperemains.webs.com/

Last thing, a small nitpick, but not everyone goes by he/him or she/her pronouns (such as myself), and so "them" is both a more grammatically accurate and inclusive alternative to things like "him/her". Just passing on a little information.

 

[focus]

yall i want some help.
so my friend, lets call him adam, is trans. obviously he uses he/him pronouns but their dad is p transphobic so he never told him about any of this. recently his dad found out he was trans somehow and when adam moved back home his dad took away his phone and he purposely calls him by his birthname and uses she/her and he also took adam out of therapy because his therapist started using he/him pronouns for adam and he even changed adam's school and he acts like this stable person and makes adamlook unstable bc he used to self harm (i honestly think adam still does tho bc he said and i quote "my mom thinks im a year clean") when he used to self harm himself and he did it worse and he also treated his ex-wife so badly they got a divorce and im hdsnbjskbuiwjghj what do i do

 

[Aestivate]

I don't really understand why putting attention on the differences between cisgender/straight people and LGBT+ people is necessarily a bad thing if by doing so you are letting your friends and family know that if they come out to you, you aren't going to get violent or never speak to them again. Cisgender/straight people ARE different from LGBT+ people, the big thing is that those differences don't make us bad people.

It's important to some people to come out for a whole bunch of reasons, including: 1. People may not want people in their lives who are bigoted towards their sexuality or gender identity and want to use this to rid their lives of toxic people, 2. Because being LGBT+ is dangerous in our society and they may want support, 3. To express ourselves freely, 4. As a statement to fight against homophobia and transphobia by letting everyone know that they know an LGBT+ person (there are many people who are homophobic and transphobic until they actually get to know LGBT+ people in real life).

I don't think it's healthy that the LGBT+ community is still so hated that we are dying. Dying isn't healthy. There are always going to be bigots, but we'd like to get to a point where people holding hands in public couldn't lead to death. The Orlando shooting was driven by homophobia. According to the shooters father, his son got angry after seeing two men kissing. Not some obscene act, just kissing. There was another shooting at a gay club in Mexico just a few weeks ago. There have been so many transgender women of colour murdered this year. It's not just about hoping every person will be kind to us, it's about ending violence.
Also, most forms of religiously driven homophobia and transphobia can be easily disproven. There are many resources online dedicated to pointing out how religious text is grossly misinterpreted or mistranslated to be viewed as homophobic or transphobic. While the only one I have on-hand at the moment is Christianity based, I'm pretty sure there are websites like this for every religion: http://hoperemains.webs.com/

Last thing, a small nitpick, but not everyone goes by he/him or she/her pronouns (such as myself), and so "them" is both a more grammatically accurate and inclusive alternative to things like "him/her". Just passing on a little information.

Well, let me explain what I posted again in that case. I think the negative effects of putting extra attention to the differences between these kind of groups will be higher than the positive effects. Instead of treating them like different people, why don't we just not care about the differences and accept them as a similar human being? I think you're by giving extra attention to it making people more aware of the fact that there are (bigger) differences which I can imagine might actually make people switch their opinion negatively.

I doubt people who are already not tolerant towards LGBT+ people will change their opinion to the positive side when they see others publicly announce they're pro LGBT+. This is the group that it's all about and the only way you can get that these people will become more tolerant towards the LGBT+ community, is by letting them see that that the differences aren't as big and that these people deserve to be treated like similar human being. These people have the twistes image that these differences are way higher than they are and the last thing you need is put extra attention to these differences.

I didn't state anywhere that I think it's healthy that the LGBT+ is hated, but 100% acceptance by society is simply impossible and therefore, LGBT+ is better of living their lifes instead of letting the percentage that isn't acceptable towards them hold them back. That's what I meant to express.

I rather not go down the dirty road you seem to be going down and generalize a whole bunch of religious people. That's what I see when I read your last paragraph, but tell me if I'm wrong. Also, I don't see why that or the Orlando shooting would add something meaningful to your argument but maybe you could elaborate on the usage of those examples in your argument a bit? I'm fully aware of the fact that in some places on Earth, a thing like holding hands might not be very safe.

All I can really say is that I think putting extra attention on these differences is going to spread more hate for the LGBT+ community which will also negetively effect any of the positive effects of highlighting these differences in the first place. The last thing I want is for the LGBT+ community to pay so much attention to the differences between them and other that they will segregate from society. That's only going to bring more trouble.

In reaction to your added last paragraph. I'm not natively English and didn't know there were gender neutral pronouns in the English language. They do not excist in my language.

- - - Post Merge - - -

yall i want some help.
so my friend, lets call him adam, is trans. obviously he uses he/him pronouns but their dad is p transphobic so he never told him about any of this. recently his dad found out he was trans somehow and when adam moved back home his dad took away his phone and he purposely calls him by his birthname and uses she/her and he also took adam out of therapy because his therapist started using he/him pronouns for adam and he even changed adam's school and he acts like this stable person and makes adamlook unstable bc he used to self harm (i honestly think adam still does tho bc he said and i quote "my mom thinks im a year clean") when he used to self harm himself and he did it worse and he also treated his ex-wife so badly they got a divorce and im hdsnbjskbuiwjghj what do i do

If Adam is old enough, the best option would most likely be to move out of the house or move in with relatives and break contact with his father. Judging the father by what you wrote, I don't think there's any way that father his image of transsexual people is going to change.

But first, Adam should seek contacts with some close relatives of him and dicuss this with them. They might be able to talk with his father or help him in an other way.

 

[Buttonsy]

Well, let me explain what I posted again in that case. I think the negative effects of putting extra attention to the differences between these kind of groups will be higher than the positive effects. Instead of treating them like different people, why don't we just not care about the differences and accept them as a similar human being? I think you're by giving extra attention to it making people more aware of the fact that there are (bigger) differences which I can imagine might actually make people switch their opinion negatively.

I doubt people who are already not tolerant towards LGBT+ people will change their opinion to the positive side when they see others publicly announce they're pro LGBT+. This is the group that it's all about and the only way you can get that these people will become more tolerant towards the LGBT+ community, is by letting them see that that the differences aren't as big and that these people deserve to be treated like similar human being. These people have the twistes image that these differences are way higher than they are and the last thing you need is put extra attention to these differences.

I didn't state anywhere that I think it's healthy that the LGBT+ is hated, but 100% acceptance by society is simply impossible and therefore, LGBT+ is better of living their lifes instead of letting the percentage that isn't acceptable towards them hold them back. That's what I meant to express.

I rather not go down the dirty road you seem to be going down and generalize a whole bunch of religious people. That's what I see when I read your last paragraph, but tell me if I'm wrong. Also, I don't see why that or the Orlando shooting would add something meaningful to your argument but maybe you could elaborate on the usage of those examples in your argument a bit? I'm fully aware of the fact that in some places on Earth, a thing like holding hands might not be very safe.

All I can really say is that I think putting extra attention on these differences is going to spread more hate for the LGBT+ community which will also negetively effect any of the positive effects of highlighting these differences in the first place. The last thing I want is for the LGBT+ community to pay so much attention to the differences between them and other that they will segregate from society. That's only going to bring more trouble.

In reaction to your added last paragraph. I'm not natively English and didn't know there were gender neutral pronouns in the English language. They do not excist in my language.

- - - Post Merge - - -



If Adam is old enough, the best option would most likely be to move out of the house or move in with relatives and break contact with his father. Judging the father by what you wrote, I don't think there's any way that father his image of transsexual people is going to change.

But first, Adam should seek contacts with some close relatives of him and dicuss this with them. They might be able to talk with his father or help him in an other way.

Pretending that LGBT+ people don't exist and that we aren't hated isn't going to make hatred go away, it'll just make it so that when LGBT+ people are hurt, no one will care. And like I said, you saying you are pro-LGBT+ is about letting anyone in your life who is closeted know that you are a safe person to come out to, not to change your bigoted friends opinions.

The reason I brought up the Orlando stuff is because that's what hatred of LGBT+ people leads to. This isn't just about getting 100% acceptance, this is about making sure that people don't die, which they are. And I never started bashing religion? You are the one that said that some people don't agree with stuff because of their religions. I think that it's a lot closer to religion bashing to imply that some religions are inherently bigoted. What I said was that there aren't bigoted beliefs about LGBT+ people that can be backed up by religion, because religious texts that people think validate bigoted beliefs are actually taken out of context, or mistranslated, and so no one can justify being anti-LGBT+ with religion. That's not anti-religious at all, it's anti-bigotry, and implying that religions are inherently bigoted is really not cool, especially since there are LGBT+ religious people.

I'm too tired to go any more in-depth than that, so hopefully what I said makes sense, but pretending that there aren't differences between LGBT+ people and cisgender/straight people is not going to make people less bigoted. It's not about pretending there aren't differences, it's about teaching that being different doesn't make someone bad.