finally healing from a toxic relationship

[arikins]

hello, not sure if this was the appropriate place, but i'd really like to speak on my recent experiences and some things ive learned about toxic relationships and healing from its trauma.

[TW; mentions and descriptions of emotional abuse]

almost two years ago i was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. my partner would manipulate & use me in countless ways; and managed to gaslight me so severely to the point where even now i am still trying to reverse what he had done to my brain.

it is hard to recall the relationship as one of my responses to trauma is to forget the events, but i will attempt to explain important points.

- whenever i had brought up my emotions/problems, it would always spawn an argument. he would make himself the focus of the emotions at the time. i found myself taking care of him or apologizing severely for what i had done, even though i had only spoken about how i felt. over time i treated my feelings as a negative.

- he never took me, my wants, my needs, my opinions, likes or dislikes, seriously. we never felt like a team, whatever he said went and i learned to stay quiet.

- more of a typical one, but he did a lot of love-bombing. whenever he treated me badly or did something obviously wrong, he would be the best partner for that moment, promising me the world in my hands. he never did better by me.

- he would become extremely friendly with my friends and his ex, (whom he claimed he hated), and when i told him i was uncomfortable, he made me out to be an abuser. he claimed i was toxic for trying to control him and that he needed those friends to be emotionally stable. he was aware some of my friends liked him, and that his ex was still in love with him, and yet i was blamed.

- arguments became so severe and were happening every night. as a result, id be too upset to eat and eventually developed an eating disorder which i still struggle with today.

- he left me, claiming i was not in the right emotional state to be in a relationship, (i was going through extreme difficulties at this time). he got with his ex a week later.

- there was also s****l abuse.

i am very lucky to have loving people around me and an incredible therapist who all pulled me out of the relationship and showed me it was wrong. to them i am forever thankful.

i met my current boyfriend late last year. he is a polar opposite to my last partner. being with him has shown me love still exists and does not have to hurt. everyday i can feel my trauma reversing through his actions, and hes not even trying to do so. just by him worrying about me, listening, remembering that i like flowers or that i really like the color purple, thinking of me whenever he sees a fluffy sweater because he knows my closet is full of them, remembering all my stuffed animals names, giving me little folded paper hearts whenever he sees me, and simply treating me the way i have always wanted, has made me realize how truly terrible my last relationship was, and how truly blissful a relationship should be.

a relationship should not be arguments and tears every night. a relationship should not be endless anxiety to the point you haven't eaten for days. a relationship should not be silenced feelings and fear.

sorry for the heavy post. id love to hear any other experiences concerning this topic, and any thoughts or questions you have !! id love to educate about abusive relationships and my experiences. thank you for reading so far. ive been attempting to recall my past relationship since making this post, so i might come by and add some stuff every now and then (^.^)

 

[Midoriya]

Hey there, friend!

I'm really sorry to hear all of this happened to you. I'm glad you're doing better now. Everything you said, especially at the end, is 100% true. I'll never understand people who act like that, as it goes beyond rude and is just messed up. I do hope that you're able to heal and recover in time. If you ever want to chat or anything you can send me a VM or DM. Stay safe now.

 

[Belle T]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate perhaps a little too well, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm so glad you're on the road to recovery. Many people don't realize they're even in these situations until they're in so deep that they don't even know what to do once they get out, but it sounds to me like you've managed to skip that phase. Here's hoping your current relationship will continue to be truly loving and long-lasting!

 

[DarkDesertFox]

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure that type of relationship. Pain heals, but the scars will still be there. Those scars will be a reminder of what type of relationship you want to avoid in the future. Often times in unhealthy relationships, it's easy to feel trapped after you've invested so much time into one person. It can be hard to find someone else, especially with how the world is right now, so it's hard to let go of the person you do have. I had my girlfriend of 3 years break things off with me recently, so I can relate. There were a lot of red flags I ignored because I tried to hold onto the good times. You just can't change people, as hard as you try. Sometimes the best thing is to just let go. Which it sounds like you are doing, so I'm glad you're in the right direction of recovery!

 

[LadyDestani]

I'm so glad to hear that you've gotten out of the relationship and are healing now. I have been through a similar experience so I know how painful it can be, but getting out is the hardest part or at least it was for me. I did have nightmares and random hysterical fits of crying for a few years afterwards, but I also found someone to love me for myself and show me what a good relationship was supposed to be. With his help, the wounds eventually healed. The scars remain, but they are reminders that I will never let someone make me feel like I am worthless and unlovable again.

I am actually writing a novel using details from my experience. It has been very cathartic and I'm hoping to get it published one day so others can learn the early warning signs and what pitfalls to avoid.

 

[arikins]

Hey there, friend!

I'm really sorry to hear all of this happened to you. I'm glad you're doing better now. Everything you said, especially at the end, is 100% true. I'll never understand people who act like that, as it goes beyond rude and is just messed up. I do hope that you're able to heal and recover in time. If you ever want to chat or anything you can send me a VM or DM. Stay safe now.

thank you endlessly. you are the sweetest. stay safe love <33333

Post automatically merged: Jun 27, 2022

Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate perhaps a little too well, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm so glad you're on the road to recovery. Many people don't realize they're even in these situations until they're in so deep that they don't even know what to do once they get out, but it sounds to me like you've managed to skip that phase. Here's hoping your current relationship will continue to be truly loving and long-lasting!

thank you!~~ i hope this relationship is filled with joy as well <3

Post automatically merged: Jun 27, 2022

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure that type of relationship. Pain heals, but the scars will still be there. Those scars will be a reminder of what type of relationship you want to avoid in the future. Often times in unhealthy relationships, it's easy to feel trapped after you've invested so much time into one person. It can be hard to find someone else, especially with how the world is right now, so it's hard to let go of the person you do have. I had my girlfriend of 3 years break things off with me recently, so I can relate. There were a lot of red flags I ignored because I tried to hold onto the good times. You just can't change people, as hard as you try. Sometimes the best thing is to just let go. Which it sounds like you are doing, so I'm glad you're in the right direction of recovery!

of course, i am thankful for the scars i have now. they are sort of like a little angel on my shoulder telling me how strong i am and helping me remember what to avoid.

i am so happy we both were able to let go of our old partners. i am so happy we can both recover, best wishes to you <33333

Post automatically merged: Jun 27, 2022

I'm so glad to hear that you've gotten out of the relationship and are healing now. I have been through a similar experience so I know how painful it can be, but getting out is the hardest part or at least it was for me. I did have nightmares and random hysterical fits of crying for a few years afterwards, but I also found someone to love me for myself and show me what a good relationship was supposed to be. With his help, the wounds eventually healed. The scars remain, but they are reminders that I will never let someone make me feel like I am worthless and unlovable again.

I am actually writing a novel using details from my experience. It has been very cathartic and I'm hoping to get it published one day so others can learn the early warning signs and what pitfalls to avoid.

i seem to get these sort of flash-back panic-attack things every now and then, especially during conversations with my current partner. it feels like im stuck in a time loop with my abuser. i have to do a lot of grounding to get out of it, and of course my partner has been the most understanding and helpful during these times. i understand how it feels to be haunted by the trauma.

thank you for writing to educate about these abusers and toxic relationships. i see young people idolizing toxicity and abuse on social media. there needs to be a wave of education. i fear so much for them.

 

[Neb]

I was in a toxic relationship as well and they did some of the same things. I also had an eating disorder growing up. The damage from both is still with me. Whenever people say or do something similar to my ex I immediately get flashbacks and become anxious. Time has helped a little bit. The painful memories are fading, which has made going day by day a little easier. My therapist has also given me ways to keep my mood stable. If you can I suggest talking with a therapist too. The results won’t come overnight, but with enough effort things can change. I just hope you know that you’re not alone and that there are lots of people who support you.

 

[Croconaw]

I’ve had my fair share of abusive exes and toxic people in my life. The damage passes with time. You just need the courage to walk away from toxicity and not stick around. I stuck around for longer than I should have in all of these toxic relationships, but I’ve gotten better at knowing when to walk away. If someone genuinely cares about you, you’ll know.

I’m happy you’re doing so much better now. It hurts seeing people stay in abusive relationships or keep in touch with toxic people. Sometimes you just have to let go and let yourself meet people that care. You know, people that genuinely care and not the people who say it but their actions tell a different story.

 

[Bethboj]

I’m so sorry you went through all that, but well done for getting out and finding a new healthy relationship.

This sounded a lot like my ex. He was exactly the same apart from the SA.
At the time I didn’t even know there was words for the type of stuff he would do, he had a habit of saying dumb things at the wrong time and then blaming me for getting upset at what he’d said. Usually it was concerning my weight or body in general. He didn’t like me having any friends at all and I remember going to visit family one time because we were all going to go and put flowers on my dads grave, my lovely boyfriend spent the entire 3 days I was away hammering my phone with texts and calls trying to dictate everything I was doing while away from him. This included but was definitely not limited to drinking any alcohol (for some reason he felt like I would have a sip of wine and decide to cheat on him with the first thing that moved) and I wasn’t allowed to stay at my cousins house? I just felt it was easier to do what he wanted to avoid the hours or days of silence that would follow him not getting his own way.
He almost stopped me from taking a new job because it was night shift (I don’t know why this was an issue either). But I took it regardless and ended up meeting such a lovely guy who is now my boyfriend of 4 years. He made me see how toxic my ex was and I was shocked that I’d put up with things for as long as I did. I left my ex and after a few months I started a relationship with my current bf. I could not believe how kind he was in comparison, I’m still getting used to being complimented to this day. I only wish I had got away sooner because I wasted 2 years being miserable!

I’m so happy you’ve found someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated!

 

[arikins]

I was in a toxic relationship as well and they did some of the same things. I also had an eating disorder growing up. The damage from both is still with me. Whenever people say or do something similar to my ex I immediately get flashbacks and become anxious. Time has helped a little bit. The painful memories are fading, which has made going day by day a little easier. My therapist has also given me ways to keep my mood stable. If you can I suggest talking with a therapist too. The results won’t come overnight, but with enough effort things can change. I just hope you know that you’re not alone and that there are lots of people who support you.

i started talking to a therapist during the relationship because of a ,, how do i say this kindly ? attempted OD ? yea, it got pretty bad. ive come millions of miles thanks to my therapist, my medication, and education on my mental health. i struggle with depression, anxiety, and symptoms of BPD.

time has definitely helped, and my eating disorder has gotten significantly better. im actually 108 pounds right now. for years i could never get past 95 ! i wish you the best of luck on your journey as well. my messages are always open <3

Post automatically merged: Jun 27, 2022

I’ve had my fair share of abusive exes and toxic people in my life. The damage passes with time. You just need the courage to walk away from toxicity and not stick around. I stuck around for longer than I should have in all of these toxic relationships, but I’ve gotten better at knowing when to walk away. If someone genuinely cares about you, you’ll know.

I’m happy you’re doing so much better now. It hurts seeing people stay in abusive relationships or keep in touch with toxic people. Sometimes you just have to let go and let yourself meet people that care. You know, people that genuinely care and not the people who say it but their actions tell a different story.

after the relationship ended i clung onto my abuser for nearly half a year. it was so hard to let go of the "fake love" because i was so desperate for someone to care for me. then i started to let people in again. i made new friends who really took care of me and showed me genuine friendship. without them i would probably still be on my knees and alone.

i know now that i shouldn't have to question someones love for me. thank you for the advice, i will cherish it !

Post automatically merged: Jun 27, 2022

I’m so sorry you went through all that, but well done for getting out and finding a new healthy relationship.

This sounded a lot like my ex. He was exactly the same apart from the SA.
At the time I didn’t even know there was words for the type of stuff he would do, he had a habit of saying dumb things at the wrong time and then blaming me for getting upset at what he’d said. Usually it was concerning my weight or body in general. He didn’t like me having any friends at all and I remember going to visit family one time because we were all going to go and put flowers on my dads grave, my lovely boyfriend spent the entire 3 days I was away hammering my phone with texts and calls trying to dictate everything I was doing while away from him. This included but was definitely not limited to drinking any alcohol (for some reason he felt like I would have a sip of wine and decide to cheat on him with the first thing that moved) and I wasn’t allowed to stay at my cousins house? I just felt it was easier to do what he wanted to avoid the hours or days of silence that would follow him not getting his own way.
He almost stopped me from taking a new job because it was night shift (I don’t know why this was an issue either). But I took it regardless and ended up meeting such a lovely guy who is now my boyfriend of 4 years. He made me see how toxic my ex was and I was shocked that I’d put up with things for as long as I did. I left my ex and after a few months I started a relationship with my current bf. I could not believe how kind he was in comparison, I’m still getting used to being complimented to this day. I only wish I had got away sooner because I wasted 2 years being miserable!

I’m so happy you’ve found someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated!

thank you ! i am forever grateful to my current partner, even if we dont work out in the end. he is truly to best to me.

im so sorry you had such a sucky bf !! he sounds super insecure and anxious, i am sorry you had to deal with all that.

gosh, i am also surprised at my partners responses sometimes. like "oh, you are listening to me" ! its very shocking, and an extreme difference to what i thought was love before. im thankful you have found someone like that too ! <3

 

[Chrysopal]

Good! It's your life not no fools.
Remember the person but don't make the person all you know.
Time for life, live and then love.

 

[Aria Nook Violet]

I'm glad things are better now for you. I was also part of a toxic romantic relationship that ended a year ago so I feel better but I am still recovering in a way. He played the act of a depressed man that hated his life and I brought light into it. He knew I craved affection and he played the role. I admit he is very charming and handsome and he uses that to his advantage. We never got to argument territory because he would threaten violence in subtle ways. I was gaslighted to forget it as he showed affection right after. It was a relationship of 2 years but after a year I noticed the horrible behavior. Even so it was hard for me to confront him about it since I am a tall woman 1,76cm but he was much taller around 1,81cm (european height measures) plus he was really strong as he worked carrying gas cylinders to houses and he knew it. He would threat to be violent in a "charming" way if I didn't shut up. So it was a roller coaster to make sense of a relationship of ups and downs as he was very affectionate and caring but also very aggressive with words. He tried to turn me against my family by saying my parents hated him but he didn't convince me there since I know my parents and they never got a chance to properly meet my ex since he didn't want to meet my parents. XD He would give me this annoyed look when he failed to manipulate me and those are moments I can be proud of myself for. At the time I didn't see it as aggressive because of the gaslighting but now I know.
The covid situation was a horrible for sure but the isolation gave me time away from him which I hated but that I needed. He had friends he said horrible things about but suddenly decided to spend time with them instead of me. He started to do this right after I started to be more insistent about talking about our relationship, I was more confident of myself and I started to take more control over the relationship. He was already drifting off to other "prey" as he probably noticed it would be a matter of time until he could not fool me anymore and sure enough after two years I had enough. I literally was in my house ready to text him and said to my mother "I had enough. I talked to him more than once I was nice and he still avoids the issue. He bullies me hiding behind a nice facade. I have to corner him and be mean so he talks. I hope I'm wrong and I'm imagining things but I have a feeling I'm being used and this will end with him leaving me. If he is a honest man he will talk to me and I hope he is." sure enough I pressed him to talk and he just insulted me not wanting to solve the problem and left. He even said he had gotten closer to his friends thanks to the problems I caused him which I replied "I'm glad." XD the man was trying to make me jealous but I could care less. A lot more happened but you get the idea.
Yeah I have no friends and I'm alone but one year after I have progressed in life way more than before and have been better off.
On a more funny note I noticed my ex appearance is basically Light Yagami XD he looks exactly like him and acts like him too. So man the signs were all there XD I can't believe this. I could do a story time video that I dated light yagami and it would be true. Don't worry though the way I cope is I like to joke about the horrible things people do to me but I can only joke after spending months in suffering and crying so is not like it hasn't affected me but at this point might as well go forward and smile you know.