Boyfriend's dad is being unfairly cruel

Hi there, so I am unsure in how to feel about all this. I am angry mostly at his dad because I feel as though he is being an unfairly cruel father. And I thought that getting some opinions from people on here could help.

What I need help with is comforting my boyfriend; he lives in a house with his brother and pays rent to his father. I do not like his father a whole lot because he promised to take my boyfriend (For sake of not sounding repetitive I am calling my boyfriend B and the father F) to New York for his twenty-first birthday. But fell on that and then went on another vacation shortly after. Then promised to take him to Texas to see his hometown and the midwife who helped deliver B. But due to a storm that fell through but he never rescheduled.

Now B doesn't make nearly enough for rent, the rent for him is 400$, along with his brother for 800$, which may not sound bad but here in a small town in Ohio...it's pretty expensive. Basically B will have to starve in order to pay both that and 85$ for car insurance so he can get to work. B showed his check to F and F said to "get another job". Which is a fair statement for being a landlord but B is only 21 and hasn't been to college yet.

I am furious at F for being so cruel towards B, I feel like it's possibly punishment for F and his wife's (B's mother) failing marriage since she has since moved out and F doesn't live with them. I also feel as though it is unfair to be so cruel and not help your sons out for college when F has been taking random vacations for the heck of it. It breaks my heart to see B tear up under all this stress.

Just so you're aware; B is starting another job Monday as a waiter at a new pub here. I am hoping he may a more livable wage but I worry that if F learns that he has a new job and is making good money he will make B and his brother pay EVEN more money on a hundred year old house that is falling apart.

I can't force B to do any decisions but help with support and suggestions to help him stay positive in this time would be appreciated. I'm going to help him apply to college and find scholarships so he can do it. Considering the line of work he is going into I keep suggesting DeVry, especially since it can be online which would help him out immensely. Anything you can suggest to help B in this time and support would be appreciated!

Well I hate to be the harbinger of..not something you want to hear but B is an adult and F has the right to let B deal with all his finances. I understand it's unfair and makes Bs life a lot more harder. Some of us are very privileged to have parents that pay for everything where others are pushed to fend off for themselves.

B might have to look for apartments and get roommates if the rent is too much. That's one option and that can be another pain in tookus. Or depending on his relationship with his mother, he could see if it's an option to live with her? B might take in account to look into community college first to get his GED done. That way, he can transfer credits to a 4yr college and not pay $$$ for a basic English class.

I'm glad though you're going to help him with college/scholarship stuff. It can be very intimidating sometimes.

I do realize that he has the right and it is a responsibility, it's just infuriating when he spends it frivolously yet is forcing them out on their own. I've suggested moving but until the new job starts moving and he can get more money it isn't an option right now. B has been also looking for roommates but that hasn't been going along well either. I also doubt him living with his mother would make the rent any better. Both parents haven't been exactly supporting, treating him as the problem child and such.

I'm just trying to think of ways to help keep his spirits up since it's been a very stressful time. It's hard to think of how to support and cheer up when it's been going so long. I do appreciate you telling the bad news of reality. It's just unfair since F has distanced himself from most of his family since the divorce. I am hoping they move someplace half the price of that since it's just B and his brother but I can't force them.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply though! ^^

who owns the house your boyfriend lives in? does the father lease it and the sons pay him back for the rent? did the father buy it as a separate property for the brothers to use and theyre paying him the mortgage costs? is it the family home where father lives too? there's not enuf info to consider if its a fair or unfair situation.

you mentioned a recent divorce, is the father now paying alimony that is taking a big chunk of his income? if it's the family home and there's no disruption to the father's income then it does seem harsh to charge rent imo,

but, tbh i don't see anything cruel about expecting a 21 year old man to pay his own room and board if he's not living with his parents... if he's a fulltime student tho i could see the need for more help but it sounds like he's not in school. maybe like pyoopi said, he should get a bunch of friends and go in on a place together to save money, could be fun too... maybe the idea of getting 3 or 4 buds to rent a house together will cheer him up

Bunny D.va said:

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply though! ^^

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Does Ohio have something like Cal grant? Cal grant is money for college that doesn't have to be paid back. If he wants to go straight in a 4 yr college, have him sign up for FAFSA too.

Community college also has good job fairs (mine did). That's all I can really offer for help!

Cedar point is hiring. Idk how far away you live, but you can set schedules to work all season then all halloweekends. A lot of people who live in other cities do it especially the college kids. There's still time left because they opened last month.

you can live there too and work rent free. I'm not sure if this is for people from out of country or college kids. I know this isn't advice really but negative situations aren't healthy at all and itd be a good way to get away for a few months and be able to save money

Kalahari is always looking for cleaners too. Theres plenty of apartments up for rent for minimum of 480. With two or three people that's not very hard. Kalahari tips very well if you clean their rooms, despite the first one or two crappy paychecks.. He (my bf) had to quit for reasons he couldn't control, but before he did, he was getting tipped a lot... He got tipped over 100 dollars in one day for colossal con (anime convention). A government delegate stayed there and tipped him 50 and said "hey wanna see my gun?"
lol you're probably thinking "whats this crazy ***** doing...?" but a lot of the people around our age do it.. even if you literally live HOURS away. I don't (local), but that's because they always make you work hours (I mean hours.. get off at 7-8 and not 2-4 like you should) but when you get paid commission it can add up if you always try and work hard (and if you are really hard up for cash). Stna courses also cost minimum of 800 dollars here, and factories are always hiring. Just have to pass a urine sample or hair follicle test. this one place also trains you themselves to be an stna and they hire you and get paid as you train. benefits and such included as well.

Unfortunately we both lives several hours away from Cedar Point, Kings Island is closer if that gives you an idea of where we are. (Don't want to say it outright due to privacy reasons) and he doesn't have the most reliable car. He does have a new job coming up but since it is a brand new store it may be a while until clients start going there regularly since it's a fairly small town.

Now I'm not saying he shouldn't help pay if needed, and there is no alimony to his income to disrupt it. However I find it cruel to be so cold and distant to your son while spending money on vacations and other things for himself. I know, it is his money and they are all adults, but they seemed to have had a fairly good relationship so I'm upset he's basically pushing them aside. Yes it can be a lesson in responsibility but I was infuriated that he seemed indifferent on if he had enough to eat.

Let me say that the father isn't staying there, he hasn't for many years due to the divorce and where he works. So I understand why he may want them to pay rent. However I'm not so upset that there is rent, just the way he is going about it. I know this is how regular landlords behave but it seems like a flip of a switch that he doesn't care for much else from his son except the rent money.

I'm not sure if there is a Cal grant, but that would be something to look up. He's done FAFSA and can get quite a bit there. Community college is definitely something to look into for the basic requirements, hopefully he can do it because I'm not sure if he'll have to be working two jobs or not yet.

I do realize some may not find it harsh because every parenting style is different, and that's okay. However I do not find it okay to make your child tear up under the stress when he, I believe, is aware that B is indeed looking elsewhere. Most jobs here do not pay well, I'm surprised he isn't aware of that. I am just surprised he doesn't want to help his children go to college.

But please do understand that while you may not find it harsh, that isn't the kind of help I am looking for at the moment. Just dealing with him being depressed because of all this everyday is hard and I need help finding options to suggest to him and to help cheer him up until his new job truly kicks off. ^^

has he considered finding a cheaper place to stay?

himeki said:

has he considered finding a cheaper place to stay?

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I mentioned it to him and I believe he is, however the job needs to go smoothly at first before he can move ^^

Not all parents assist their children with college or finances. I suppose my opinion comes from having a father who wouldn't properly support his family, and I have struggled with being kicked out at 19 and having to work 12 hours 6 days a week almost just to support myself. I was super stressed but I made it to the point where I can live comfortably and not have to rely on my family. It does suck that his father doesn't take him on the vacations like he promised, but if it has become a pattern, it's best for you boyfriend to just not get his hopes up next time, and focus on making a better life for himself. He may be in a bad situation financially right now, but hard work will change that eventually. Every adult goes through stress and so many people live pay check to pay check. As long as he remains motivated to improve and relies only on himself rather than expecting help, he will move up in life and things will get easier. I had a pretty rough childhood and my dad prioritised his friends, his church, and himself, over his own children and wife. We went months without hot water, with food from the food bank, I missed out on so many opportunities because my dad didn't want to pay for any extra curricular activities. Just remember that so many people are struggling too, and many of them survive and live better because of their struggles. Your bf needs to focus on his goals, and just think of his stress as a necessary component for self improvement. And trust me, when he makes it on his own, he'll be that much prouder of himself because of it

Arize said:

Not all parents assist their children with college or finances. I suppose my opinion comes from having a father who wouldn't properly support his family, and I have struggled with being kicked out at 19 and having to work 12 hours 6 days a week almost just to support myself. I was super stressed but I made it to the point where I can live comfortably and not have to rely on my family. It does suck that his father doesn't take him on the vacations like he promised, but if it has become a pattern, it's best for you boyfriend to just not get his hopes up next time, and focus on making a better life for himself. He may be in a bad situation financially right now, but hard work will change that eventually. Every adult goes through stress and so many people live pay check to pay check. As long as he remains motivated to improve and relies only on himself rather than expecting help, he will move up in life and things will get easier. I had a pretty rough childhood and my dad prioritised his friends, his church, and himself, over his own children and wife. We went months without hot water, with food from the food bank, I missed out on so many opportunities because my dad didn't want to pay for any extra curricular activities. Just remember that so many people are struggling too, and many of them survive and live better because of their struggles. Your bf needs to focus on his goals, and just think of his stress as a necessary component for self improvement. And trust me, when he makes it on his own, he'll be that much prouder of himself because of it

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Thank you for that ^^ I can understand bad parents, though I am not struggling I've dealt with abuse in my past. That really gave me some inspiration to help him out when he's stressing. I'm planning on going on vacation with him at some point to make up for it. I do wish that some people could realize the responsibility that caring for a child takes and I'm sorry you had to deal with it but I'm glad you're in a better place. He is planning on moving away from it all once he is able to. From my experience I feel like all parents should try the best they can to help out, though that rarely happens.

He does rely on himself but I do push him to receive some help from people who do actually care for him, but B is sometimes too prideful and feels guilty for help. But thank you for your kind words because I was truly at a loss on how to motivate him, since he's been stressed for a month about it and that does add a toll to both members.

It is hard to explain this sometimes because I know some people have it much worse, but I couldn't help but vent because B hasn't ever really had it easy in terms of being the "problem child". But hearing someone who went through something similar does help to be able to comfort him when the stress gets to him. ^^

I think the best thing you can do is just stick with him through these troubled times. If you can afford to maybe treat him to a nice dinner or a gift of something he's interested. I'm sure he'd appreciate the gesture.

Soda Fox said:

I think the best thing you can do is just stick with him through these troubled times. If you can afford to maybe treat him to a nice dinner or a gift of something he's interested. I'm sure he'd appreciate the gesture.

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Thanks ^^ I'm planning on doing a picnic this Sunday to help break the cycle since we rarely go out. I'm doing my best to help him through this trouble with moral support. Thank you for the suggestion. ^^

Soda Fox said:

I think the best thing you can do is just stick with him through these troubled times. If you can afford to maybe treat him to a nice dinner or a gift of something he's interested. I'm sure he'd appreciate the gesture.

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I agree, you should be his greatest supporter right now. I'm sure just you being there is enough to make him feel comfortable and happy.

vel said:

I agree, you should be his greatest supporter right now. I'm sure just you being there is enough to make him feel comfortable and happy.

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Ahh thank you, I'm trying my best. ^^

All I can say is we're going through the same thing here. My boyfriend's parents raised the rent after he started making more money (he does landscaping, so he has more work now that it's warmer outside). Because of this we can't save up our money to move out or really get many groceries... I understand that many parents don't understand that it's harder for us to make a living wage than it was for them, but I really see this as just selfishness on their part. I want to HELP my child, not take and take and take every chance I get. I mean even his mom has been stealing our points from our grocery store card so she can get herself gas and we have nothing. It is so selfish. I'm getting very angry just thinking about all of this, I'm sorry.

Bunny D.va said:

Unfortunately we both lives several hours away from Cedar Point, Kings Island is closer if that gives you an idea of where we are. (Don't want to say it outright due to privacy reasons) and he doesn't have the most reliable car. He does have a new job coming up but since it is a brand new store it may be a while until clients start going there regularly since it's a fairly small town.

Now I'm not saying he shouldn't help pay if needed, and there is no alimony to his income to disrupt it. However I find it cruel to be so cold and distant to your son while spending money on vacations and other things for himself. I know, it is his money and they are all adults, but they seemed to have had a fairly good relationship so I'm upset he's basically pushing them aside. Yes it can be a lesson in responsibility but I was infuriated that he seemed indifferent on if he had enough to eat.

Let me say that the father isn't staying there, he hasn't for many years due to the divorce and where he works. So I understand why he may want them to pay rent. However I'm not so upset that there is rent, just the way he is going about it. I know this is how regular landlords behave but it seems like a flip of a switch that he doesn't care for much else from his son except the rent money.

I'm not sure if there is a Cal grant, but that would be something to look up. He's done FAFSA and can get quite a bit there. Community college is definitely something to look into for the basic requirements, hopefully he can do it because I'm not sure if he'll have to be working two jobs or not yet.

I do realize some may not find it harsh because every parenting style is different, and that's okay. However I do not find it okay to make your child tear up under the stress when he, I believe, is aware that B is indeed looking elsewhere. Most jobs here do not pay well, I'm surprised he isn't aware of that. I am just surprised he doesn't want to help his children go to college.

But please do understand that while you may not find it harsh, that isn't the kind of help I am looking for at the moment. Just dealing with him being depressed because of all this everyday is hard and I need help finding options to suggest to him and to help cheer him up until his new job truly kicks off. ^^

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I know where kings island is. Im not even from sandusky, but I am local. I dont disclose that either

I had my friend staying with us because his dads a POS and his grandparents kicked him out.. for brushing his teeth in the shower. the best thing you can do is give him love and support. it sucks when parents act that way. i cant understand how you can do that to your own flesh and blood, my parents don't want any stress or worry on me and would never do that. but i guess all parents are different. i understand that he is 21 but I dont see how a dad can be so harsh about rent. he should just be glad that hes trying and not being lazy about it.... those parents are the worst...

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I would have your boyfriend take Arizes advice. She basically just summed up everything that I was thinking.

Mr. Cat said:

All I can say is we're going through the same thing here. My boyfriend's parents raised the rent after he started making more money (he does landscaping, so he has more work now that it's warmer outside). Because of this we can't save up our money to move out or really get many groceries... I understand that many parents don't understand that it's harder for us to make a living wage than it was for them, but I really see this as just selfishness on their part. I want to HELP my child, not take and take and take every chance I get. I mean even his mom has been stealing our points from our grocery store card so she can get herself gas and we have nothing. It is so selfish. I'm getting very angry just thinking about all of this, I'm sorry.

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It's okay, I'm glad to have someone going through the same thing. I completely understand what you mean by wanting to help your child! I feel the same way and I do feel like his father is being selfish. I understand that paying that and his new house can be expensive, but I don't feel like that much of a burden should be put on your kids if they can't even afford to eat. F makes quite a bit of money, he's in a medical position. Luckily B doesn't have a card to have his points taken from but I feel like that would happen if given the chance. I feel like his father just thinks that getting another job would solve everything, but when he's only making half his rent on 40 hours, it'll be extremely difficult especially if he wants to go to college.

I've been fortunate in my mom wanting to help us any way she can. As long as we can pay it back when we're able, not when they want. I'm sorry you have to go through this stressful, and frankly frustrating, experience! I feel like F is using this as a sort of punishment for his failing marriage since the mom has moved out on her own and the dad lives somewhat far away. But it isn't your sons fault either. I don't have a problem with teaching responsibility but he's never really there for B and has failed him on trips that B was really looking forward to. So to be so cold is just so frustrating! Especially since he can go on expensive vacations. It is his money to spend but it could go towards paying off a loan or something rather than just grand vacations.

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helenkeller said:

I know where kings island is. Im not even from sandusky, but I am local. I dont disclose that either

I had my friend staying with us because his dads a POS and his grandparents kicked him out.. for brushing his teeth in the shower. the best thing you can do is give him love and support. it sucks when parents act that way. i cant understand how you can do that to your own flesh and blood, my parents don't want any stress or worry on me and would never do that. but i guess all parents are different. i understand that he is 21 but I dont see how a dad can be so harsh about rent. he should just be glad that hes trying and not being lazy about it.... those parents are the worst...

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I would have your boyfriend take Arizes advice. She basically just summed up everything that I was thinking.

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That's what I'm trying with Arizes's advice, it can be hard when his depression hits though. My mom has offered to be a reference for when he moves out because she knows about the situation because we're both really close so I'm happy to have her offer. He has been feeling a bit better but it is so hard when his father is being cold. I understand bills have to be paid and such but if it was such a problem maybe there would be another solution than just "get another job". Of course B is but then I worry he'll up the rent once B is making more.

I'm so sorry your friend got kicked out for brushing his teeth in the shower. All water is the same and it's horrible how some people treat their own flesh and blood. I hope he is doing better now since then but I know that wound can be hard to heal over something so ridiculous.

What makes me upset is that they didn't try to get him through college. B had an abusive ex whom he almost married. But he has been dying to go to college and neither seem that interested in helping him. I don't understand why when anymore you HAVE to go to college to get a good job! I understand that he is an adult, but still a very young adult who needs some help to manage. I'm just glad he has his love god mothers who do genuinely care for him. It wouldn't be a horrible idea for him to move there but then all the rent would go on his little brother so I don't think B wants to move unless his brother is willing. It's such a complicated situation. I wish his dad would understand rather than trying to ice B out and act like they're barely related. I just want to protect him.

Bunny D.va said:

It's okay, I'm glad to have someone going through the same thing. I completely understand what you mean by wanting to help your child! I feel the same way and I do feel like his father is being selfish. I understand that paying that and his new house can be expensive, but I don't feel like that much of a burden should be put on your kids if they can't even afford to eat. F makes quite a bit of money, he's in a medical position. Luckily B doesn't have a card to have his points taken from but I feel like that would happen if given the chance. I feel like his father just thinks that getting another job would solve everything, but when he's only making half his rent on 40 hours, it'll be extremely difficult especially if he wants to go to college.

I've been fortunate in my mom wanting to help us any way she can. As long as we can pay it back when we're able, not when they want. I'm sorry you have to go through this stressful, and frankly frustrating, experience! I feel like F is using this as a sort of punishment for his failing marriage since the mom has moved out on her own and the dad lives somewhat far away. But it isn't your sons fault either. I don't have a problem with teaching responsibility but he's never really there for B and has failed him on trips that B was really looking forward to. So to be so cold is just so frustrating! Especially since he can go on expensive vacations. It is his money to spend but it could go towards paying off a loan or something rather than just grand vacations.

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I can definitely say for sure that my boyfriend's parents are absolutely miserable with their lives and can be very abusive. That seems to be a common theme here on this thread. I forgot to mention they also just straight up took his car when his dad's car broke down... never gave money for it or anything, just took it. And it's not the first time they've done it to him either. My boyfriend is his mother's "scapegoat" child and his brother is the "golden child" who get everything. They pay his rent (he lives on his own) and they've bought him like 10 cars and they feed his ego like crazy. It all just makes me so sick and I want to get away from it as soon as possible... idk how.

Sorry for getting so personal, but if you feel like his father is anything like this, I'd say just try to get him to move somewhere else. I worry because you mentioned something about him being the "problem" child and maybe that's not his fault.