Random Thought,
There are so many people that I'd love to talk to more here, and I've only been around again for about a week.
So many things race through my mind when considering actually speaking to people online again, as its something I've spent a fair amount of time avoiding after so much negative consistency in my attempts before. I grew such a jaded view of myself, wondering if I was a person worth spending time around, considering that I was just a piece of a puzzle that was never actually created.
Some might think I just took it too seriously, but, after countless friends lost your perception of yourself just really turns, I mean you can't just blame other parties all of the time, now and again you start to reflect, and start understanding that those kinds of scenarios are never to have blame placed on a single person, even if you could retell the stories of what happened and most of the time, you'd be reassured that yes, you were most definitely the one who was wronged.
I'm so reserved and independent now, and stupendously self conscious, not for the fear that I'll be viewed negatively but, instead possibly for the fear that I am just not worth the time.
The friends I have current in real life are wonderful folks, really, but, recently the group became a group that consists of two couples, and me... and, the 'newlyweds' as I'll call them, don't really know how to manage friendship and couple fixation just yet. Prime example is, the couples decided to buy food with one another after inviting me over, and, somehow forgot that I'm a living being that also needs to eat.
There was no offer of food for me, and, no suggestion that I had to bring my own.
Its like they completely forgot I was invited, even though I was there already.
Don't get me wrong, totally okay with buying my own food, again, independent, I'd prefer it that way but... .. nobody told me I needed to on that particular day, no one even considered despite it being a well known fact that I don't really eat much before dinner.
I slipped their minds so severely they were just- going to let me starve for the night (nobody wanted to drive me home that night, they wanted to get wasted, so since I was dropped off, I was trapped.).
I somehow found food after that, I was fortunate to've had left over chicken strips in their freezer somehow, a miracle.
I digress, and apologize for getting side tracked.
The point is, my consistently bad run with people has caused for me to always be thinking a lot about facing life all by myself, I always consider reaching out but, the hand I reach out with almost always retracts, and I do the usual solo act of just piling on hobbies to distract from my own soft loneliness.
I could care less about popularity, about who's more well known than others, about who's skill levels are higher, I'm almost twenty five, and if any of that still mattered when I want to talk with someone I wouldn't really like myself as a person, I just, sometimes, want to talk with people who I think enjoy the things I enjoy too, no matter who knows them, what they're good at, or otherwise.
Sometimes.
... but any chance of conversation, ends up abruptly ended by me, because I've become so accustomed to just being this.
A solemn lonely person.
There are so many people that I'd love to talk to more here, and I've only been around again for about a week.
So many things race through my mind when considering actually speaking to people online again, as its something I've spent a fair amount of time avoiding after so much negative consistency in my attempts before. I grew such a jaded view of myself, wondering if I was a person worth spending time around, considering that I was just a piece of a puzzle that was never actually created.
Some might think I just took it too seriously, but, after countless friends lost your perception of yourself just really turns, I mean you can't just blame other parties all of the time, now and again you start to reflect, and start understanding that those kinds of scenarios are never to have blame placed on a single person, even if you could retell the stories of what happened and most of the time, you'd be reassured that yes, you were most definitely the one who was wronged.
I'm so reserved and independent now, and stupendously self conscious, not for the fear that I'll be viewed negatively but, instead possibly for the fear that I am just not worth the time.
The friends I have current in real life are wonderful folks, really, but, recently the group became a group that consists of two couples, and me... and, the 'newlyweds' as I'll call them, don't really know how to manage friendship and couple fixation just yet. Prime example is, the couples decided to buy food with one another after inviting me over, and, somehow forgot that I'm a living being that also needs to eat.
There was no offer of food for me, and, no suggestion that I had to bring my own.
Its like they completely forgot I was invited, even though I was there already.
Don't get me wrong, totally okay with buying my own food, again, independent, I'd prefer it that way but... .. nobody told me I needed to on that particular day, no one even considered despite it being a well known fact that I don't really eat much before dinner.
I slipped their minds so severely they were just- going to let me starve for the night (nobody wanted to drive me home that night, they wanted to get wasted, so since I was dropped off, I was trapped.).
I somehow found food after that, I was fortunate to've had left over chicken strips in their freezer somehow, a miracle.
I digress, and apologize for getting side tracked.
The point is, my consistently bad run with people has caused for me to always be thinking a lot about facing life all by myself, I always consider reaching out but, the hand I reach out with almost always retracts, and I do the usual solo act of just piling on hobbies to distract from my own soft loneliness.
I could care less about popularity, about who's more well known than others, about who's skill levels are higher, I'm almost twenty five, and if any of that still mattered when I want to talk with someone I wouldn't really like myself as a person, I just, sometimes, want to talk with people who I think enjoy the things I enjoy too, no matter who knows them, what they're good at, or otherwise.
Sometimes.
... but any chance of conversation, ends up abruptly ended by me, because I've become so accustomed to just being this.
A solemn lonely person.
