A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.
The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:
“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the prohibition, I will be lenient. Each of you will have a wish before getting the punishment. You start, Togolese.”
Togolese: “I wish that you tie a pillow to my back, before you flog me.” His wish was fulfilled, but the flogging was so strong that the pillow tore into pieces after 25 lashes.
The Nigerian, upon seeing what had happened to the Togolese wished for two pillows on his back but still, the pillows got torn early.
Now the prince turns to the Ghanaian , and says:
“Now, since I am a big soccer fan and you play such beautiful soccer, I will be specially lenient with you. You have two wishes, but choose well.”
Ghanaian says: “First of all I want 100 lashes”.
The Nigerian and the Togolese look at themselves flabbergasted.
The Sultan replies: “I do not understand it, but we will grant you the double number of lashes! And your second wish?”
Ghanaian: “Tie the Nigerian on my back”
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.
“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.
“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”
“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.
It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.
“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”
That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.
I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.
“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.
“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.
“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.
“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.
“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”
After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.
One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.
“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”
“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”
“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”
“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”
Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.
“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”
Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.
I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.
“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked in return.
“I can make you win the next major raffle.”
“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.
“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”
“Okay so how do I win it?”
“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”
“The what?”
“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”
“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.
“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”
“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”
“Well, he is my son.”
“How is he your son?”
“I gave birth to him.”
Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.
“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”
Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.
“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”
Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.
After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.
It was time.
The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.
“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”
“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.
“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”
“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.
“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”
“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.
Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.
“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.
I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”
“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.
I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”
