Fabioisonfire
total a-hole
I enjoy reviewing films. I'll post them here. A new one every whenever I feel like it. I usually put these on Rotten Tomatoes, but here will work too.
<div class='spoiler_toggle'>The A-Team (2010)</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">Finally, a summer blockbuster with some SUBSTANCE.
In a summer *censored.2.0*storm of blockbusters full of explosions, one-liners, nausea-inducing 3D, poor acting, and generally bad films, movie-goers, have no fear; The A-Team has arrived.
And if you haven't picked up on the sarcasm by now, you need to get the *censored.3.0* out.
Now that we have that out of the way, going into The A-Team, I had literally no expectations. All hope of seeing a good film was out of the question before I purchased the ticket. I knew what I was in for; over-the-top action, (hopefully) boobs, and a completely unrealistic plot. I can confirm, after watching the film, my expectations had been exceeded by even more over-the-top action, less boobs, and a plot that was borderline science-fiction.
How over-the-top, you ask? We're talking a shipping tanker, tipping over, spilling its ten-ton crates all over creation, while fireworks, explosions, acrobatics, and gunfire go off all at the same time. And no, spoiler alert, I'm not exaggerating. That *censored.2.0* actually goes down.
How little boobs do you get to see? No boobs, that's how little. For the $9.75 admission price (and that's not including the one dollar donation to St. Jude's. Greedy *censored.3.0*ers.) I expected for the lovely lady of the film (Jessica Biel) to show off some skin. But the filmmakers couldn't have spared any screen time for her body- they had to fit in Barrackus' internal struggle with his conscious' sub-plot. (Which was riveting, by the way.)
You like what she's got going on? Well YOU DON'T GET TO SEE IT.
The plot's believability is truly something to behold. Now, I get it; it's the A-Team, it doesn't need to have an awesome plot. Let me explain. Here's what they're trying to attain throughout the entire film; plates from the U.S. mint that were stolen. Okay, first problem right there; who the hell wants plates that print U.S. money? But no, that isn't simple enough. Throw in some Arab spies, some Russian dudes, and some corrupt C.I.A. guy, and you've got the plot-line for the film. It felt like the writers gave every 80s-90s action film, gave it to the guys at Blend-Tec, and then put the steaming pile of ash on a script and called it good.
Now, it isn't as if the cast is full of inept actors. But this film does a remarkable job at wasting them and any talent that may have shone through the bottom of this murky, day-old diarrhea water version of a script.
Get ready to see this shot on repeat.
If you are an intelligent move-goer, you will not enjoy this film. Those things like character development, plot, and a general sense of meaning? All gone. If you are a teeny-bopping male, however, this is right up your alley. Meaningless and over-the-top action galore. It's funny, Mr. T himself said not to watch the film, due to the violence it contains. (To me, he seems like one of the most violent men alive, but whatever.) Listen to this man. I pity the damn fool who would pay to watch this.
Play the role of an intelligent movie-goer and skip this one, entirely.</div>
<div class='spoiler_toggle'>Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">After watching this film for the fifth time, I finally feel like I can tackle a review on it. This movie has quickly become one of my all-time favorites.
Joel Barish (played by Jim Carrey) is an emotionally withdrawn young man, looking for a meaningful, 'nice' relationship in his life. His world is flipped upside down when he meets the quirky and spontaneous Clementine Kruczynski (played by Kate Winslet) on a train from Montauk, New York, and they form a relationship. Despite their completely different views and personalities, they still, against all odds, fall for each other.
A beautiful moment in cinema.
But, as their relationship progresses, things become tumultuous, and Clementine decides to have Joel erased from her memory via a medical procedure. Joel then opts for the same procedure, to spite Clementine. But, halfway into the process, he realizes how much he still loves her.
I won't give away any more of the plot, because I believe this script (written by Charlie Kaufman) truly needs to be seen on film to understand its beauty. I can confidently say that this is one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever seen put into a screenplay. (The film won an Oscar for it.) The themes of love, both lost and found are powerful, to say the least.
The imagery in the film, as we travel through Joel's mind, is spellbinding. Many techniques are used to distort Joel's memories on the screen, and all are used very effectively. The location shooting is simply fantastic, as well. (Scenes of a frozen Charles river, a beach during winter, it's all beautiful.)
As far as the performances go, Winslet provides an Oscar-nominated showing as Clementine. Carrey and Winslet's chemistry on screen is apparent, even in the quirky way that is intended.
By the end, you may not understand all of it. You might not love it, at first. But you will be moved. I know I was, in a way I can't describe.</div>
<div class='spoiler_toggle'>The A-Team (2010)</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">Finally, a summer blockbuster with some SUBSTANCE.
In a summer *censored.2.0*storm of blockbusters full of explosions, one-liners, nausea-inducing 3D, poor acting, and generally bad films, movie-goers, have no fear; The A-Team has arrived.
And if you haven't picked up on the sarcasm by now, you need to get the *censored.3.0* out.
Now that we have that out of the way, going into The A-Team, I had literally no expectations. All hope of seeing a good film was out of the question before I purchased the ticket. I knew what I was in for; over-the-top action, (hopefully) boobs, and a completely unrealistic plot. I can confirm, after watching the film, my expectations had been exceeded by even more over-the-top action, less boobs, and a plot that was borderline science-fiction.
How over-the-top, you ask? We're talking a shipping tanker, tipping over, spilling its ten-ton crates all over creation, while fireworks, explosions, acrobatics, and gunfire go off all at the same time. And no, spoiler alert, I'm not exaggerating. That *censored.2.0* actually goes down.
How little boobs do you get to see? No boobs, that's how little. For the $9.75 admission price (and that's not including the one dollar donation to St. Jude's. Greedy *censored.3.0*ers.) I expected for the lovely lady of the film (Jessica Biel) to show off some skin. But the filmmakers couldn't have spared any screen time for her body- they had to fit in Barrackus' internal struggle with his conscious' sub-plot. (Which was riveting, by the way.)
You like what she's got going on? Well YOU DON'T GET TO SEE IT.
The plot's believability is truly something to behold. Now, I get it; it's the A-Team, it doesn't need to have an awesome plot. Let me explain. Here's what they're trying to attain throughout the entire film; plates from the U.S. mint that were stolen. Okay, first problem right there; who the hell wants plates that print U.S. money? But no, that isn't simple enough. Throw in some Arab spies, some Russian dudes, and some corrupt C.I.A. guy, and you've got the plot-line for the film. It felt like the writers gave every 80s-90s action film, gave it to the guys at Blend-Tec, and then put the steaming pile of ash on a script and called it good.
Now, it isn't as if the cast is full of inept actors. But this film does a remarkable job at wasting them and any talent that may have shone through the bottom of this murky, day-old diarrhea water version of a script.
Get ready to see this shot on repeat.
If you are an intelligent move-goer, you will not enjoy this film. Those things like character development, plot, and a general sense of meaning? All gone. If you are a teeny-bopping male, however, this is right up your alley. Meaningless and over-the-top action galore. It's funny, Mr. T himself said not to watch the film, due to the violence it contains. (To me, he seems like one of the most violent men alive, but whatever.) Listen to this man. I pity the damn fool who would pay to watch this.
Play the role of an intelligent movie-goer and skip this one, entirely.</div>
<div class='spoiler_toggle'>Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)</div><div class="spoiler" style="display:none;">After watching this film for the fifth time, I finally feel like I can tackle a review on it. This movie has quickly become one of my all-time favorites.
Joel Barish (played by Jim Carrey) is an emotionally withdrawn young man, looking for a meaningful, 'nice' relationship in his life. His world is flipped upside down when he meets the quirky and spontaneous Clementine Kruczynski (played by Kate Winslet) on a train from Montauk, New York, and they form a relationship. Despite their completely different views and personalities, they still, against all odds, fall for each other.
A beautiful moment in cinema.
But, as their relationship progresses, things become tumultuous, and Clementine decides to have Joel erased from her memory via a medical procedure. Joel then opts for the same procedure, to spite Clementine. But, halfway into the process, he realizes how much he still loves her.
I won't give away any more of the plot, because I believe this script (written by Charlie Kaufman) truly needs to be seen on film to understand its beauty. I can confidently say that this is one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever seen put into a screenplay. (The film won an Oscar for it.) The themes of love, both lost and found are powerful, to say the least.
The imagery in the film, as we travel through Joel's mind, is spellbinding. Many techniques are used to distort Joel's memories on the screen, and all are used very effectively. The location shooting is simply fantastic, as well. (Scenes of a frozen Charles river, a beach during winter, it's all beautiful.)
As far as the performances go, Winslet provides an Oscar-nominated showing as Clementine. Carrey and Winslet's chemistry on screen is apparent, even in the quirky way that is intended.
By the end, you may not understand all of it. You might not love it, at first. But you will be moved. I know I was, in a way I can't describe.</div>
