I’m doing okay. I’m just tired, uneasy and anxious about a few things. This weekend my youngest niece and my sister’s dog will be staying I think two nights; I’m not happy about the dog. Always stresses me out because how my cats get and other things that happen whenever she is here (minor things); I do not do good with even temporary changes
I’m glad I took my medicine when I was having trouble sleeping earlier since my mood kept getting worse. My game session tonight should help my mood more .
I feel gross. One of my conditions means I spend the first hour (approx) of everyday feeling like I've the flu. It is the longest hour of the day. I wake-up earlier than I need to for work so I can get the symptoms under control before I get ready. So right now I'm just sat on my couch with all the lights on (it helps) waiting to feel human enough to face moving. It never gets easier.
I feel a bit stressed and anxious again over some trivial stuff; kinda embarrassed too. Kinda relieved too at the same time while anxious about something else if that makes any sense . Had a really bad mood swing or something at some point so I’m also really crabby. Tomorrow I have to go out to do some grocery shopping so I’m also anxious a bit about that. At least one thing that has been bothering me, I’m feeling a little better about.
My one long-distance friend/Twitter mutual had their baby. Seems like the baby is healthy despite complications requiring an emergency c-section, so despite all the pain they went through to get here, friend is happy. I'm happy for them, even if I really don't have any affinity for small children, which does make me feel a bit bad because I really wish that I could be a more normal person who does get all warm and fuzzy seeing babies so that my congratulations felt more genuine. I'm probably overthinking it, though, because I certainly don't think I've said anything offputting. They already know I'm not a kid person, and I've largely focused on wishing them both a speedy recovery and an enjoyable time in this new chapter of their life. It just feels like the interpersonal communication equivalent of when an artist is hyper-aware of perceived flaws in a work because they're the one who was sitting there working on it the whole time.
In other news, today I went to the psychiatrist to try out new medication, because the atomoxetine I was given to ideally help my ADHD really didn't help me at all; if anything it made me feel more depressed. I'm going to be starting Vyvanse instead, which is a stimulant, so I should know right away if it's going to have an effect on me. It seems some people have had a lot of luck with this medication (at the very least I'm seeing more positive stories than I saw from people taking atomoxetine where it was very hit-or-miss) including feeling less depressed, so I'm hoping I can be as lucky. I do sorta wish it wasn't $70 for 15 doses even after insurance, though... I can afford it, but it's rather frustrating that my brain requires pricey medication just to operate normally. But, without treatment I just constantly feel tired and like my brain is a poor overheating computer whose fan is caked in a decade's worth of dust.
I’m feeling very stressed and am tired because I didn’t sleep very good, but I’m doing overall okay . I just got back from grocery shopping and I’m pooped.
Update: I'm still kinda stressed. It's also getting harder for me to think more deeply for my homework, but I think it's because I've been staying up to work on them. It's becoming too much for me to handle at this point. -_-
On a lighter note, I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. I can't make my mark if I'm going to be a downer forever.
slept terrible cause our boiler?? tank?? is leaking so my dad’s been shutting the water off after we sleep but because people use the toilets at night, they need to turn it back on to flush which makes a really loud sound so i’ve been getting really poor sleep these past two(?) days
my dad said they’re coming with a replacement today while i’m at work so HOPEFULLY this ends
My head is throbbing and I’m still incredibly stressed out. I know I should take a break, but each time I take a break for some reason, it makes me feel worse not better and doesn’t solve anything.
kinda neutral. i went to bed later than usual last night so i woke up later this morning, and i’m going to be late to my program. but i meal prepped a really fulfilling breakfast (overnight oats) for myself last night and they were really good !
i have a choir performance on saturday and i have to be really mindful of taking care of my voice until then, also. so i will be preoccupied with that to some extent. i’ve been experiencing some strain w my voice on and off which has been frustrating, but i guess that’s to be expected because i haven’t sung consistently in a number of years. i’m kinda having to re-learn how to sing with proper technique so that i minimize the risk of vocal damage
Scared because I am being told a day ahead that the weather tomorrow night will be very bad. I was already nervous about it showing thunderstorms for both Friday and Saturday (and Saturday looked worse at first) but now it's just straight up telling me there might be a tornado Friday night.
Feeling a bit of a mixed bag, wherein I think that acknowledging that much of my recent anxiety stems from something that I'm realizing leans into being a phobia under certain circumstances, has lead to me feeling at least a little better. Specifically, I think that pregnancy really freaks me out the more it starts to intersect with my life, because of a mixture of personally never wanting to endure it (and not wanting children either, so at least it isn't an obstacle I'll have to eventually face), and being pushed into childcare within a dysfunctional family due to being the oldest. So, when it's a stranger or someone I'm not really connected to who is pregnant or has a small child, it doesn't bother me; it's only a concern if I feel like I have to be involved in some way. I think it clicked when I looked back and realized that when the one sister who I (at that point) still talked to (and who lives nearby) announced that I would be an aunt soon, it made me panic, but when later I found out that another sister who I'd long been estranged from (and lives on the other side of the country) had a baby, I was at most a little surprised because I haven't seen her since she was in elementary school and so it's kind of crazy that she's old enough to be a mom.
I also feel a little bit better because I wanted to be supportive towards my one mutual who just had a baby, especially after they were supportive of my getting a salpingectomy, but I was worried that my apprehensions about the subject would seep through my words, no matter what I said (even when I was focusing on wishing them a speedy recovery and pleasant new life as a parent!). I shared my realizations to nobody in particular, and they wound up seeing the post and completely understanding, so I think there's a load off of my shoulders that has been perched there ever since they announced that they were expecting.
Conflicted. Some variables popped up, so I can't do some of my planned projects. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, actually it would be very good, but I was also so excited to get these projects really going. Waiting can be hard when you are excited.
On another note, I'll have to focus on some other things as a result of the variables.
I’m feeling much better than I was earlier this week, but honestly not good. I’m still troubled by a lot of things, embarrassed and now am a bit depressed. On a more positive note, I should be able to play Among Us tomorrow and Sunday. I think though, considering how I was feeling yesterday and how I’m feeling today, I should be feeling a bit better tomorrow. It doesn’t solve the things I’m troubled and anxious about but still I’d like to get my mood to be more stable again; on top of that my sister’s dog is here and she has been eating my cat’s food and making them nervous even though she’s just as scared of them as they are of her. I moved their food bowls but it really bothers me even though I know she is just being a dog. Whenever she is here and one of my nieces spend the night (particularly the youngest one), I feel more stressed than usual. My dad is also weirder than usual. I really hope my worries have been valid. I’ll going to try to not focus on that though and just continue to try to destress.
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. Had a really bad mood swing or something at some point so I’m also really crabby. Tomorrow I have to go out to do some grocery shopping so I’m also anxious a bit about that. At least one thing that has been bothering me, I’m feeling a little better about.
Also feeling a sense of dread since I most likely will be working with that coworker either tomorrow or next week. Ugh...
