[don't bother]

[iiyyja]

There being so much overlap between the LGBT and the AC community, I thought I'd ask this here. I'm seeing more and more people going by she/they or he/they. I'm not sure what to default to at times. I go with gendered pronouns unless they explicitly state or I get the feeling they prefer they/them. Those of you who go by two sets of pronouns or more, do you have a preference?

If you're completely new to this, this is a good place to start. It gave me a better grasp on the subject

 

[Mr_Keroppi]

Done

 

[iiyyja]

now that i think of it, the poll probably wasn't a good idea i dont know how to remove it

 

[Mr_Keroppi]

now that i think of it, the poll probably wasn't a good idea

Im sorry if I was rude

 

[amemome]

This is just my opinion. Please do not take it to heart. I am just a little froggy that cant hurt you
So I do not really understand the whole LGBTQIA+ thingie okee. If someone could please answer some questions in a non hostile kind way it would make me more aware. I go by he or him because I am a boy. I am confused how people who are one can say they are the other? I know you can like stuff from the "other side" because I like more feminine things like shopping, clothes, and baking but why identify as what you are not? Also why do they have the need to change their gender for their identity? Why do people go crazy and get angry when someone uses the wrong pronoun when they thought you were a boy or girl. I kind of understand they as a way to just not make the people angry. If someone could please help me I think I would be more educated and happier Its always better to learn things!

I found a place to start if you're unsure about pronouns, put together by University of Wisconsin Milwaukee: https://uwm.edu/lgbtrc/support/gender-pronouns/

This guide is geared towards kids so the language is a bit easier to understand:
https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/gender-identity

Also check out the Q&A on this NPR article which answers common questions about pronouns and gender identity: https://www.npr.org/2021/06/02/996319297/gender-identity-pronouns-expression-guide-lgbtq#questions

It answers why it's really important to use the right pronouns, and what to do if you've made a mistake with someone's pronouns. Using the correct pronouns is really important because it shows that you respect the person you're referring to. Not everyone "looks" like the gender they identify as, so you could really hurt someone's feelings and disrespect them if you use the wrong pronouns.

Please take the time to do your own research on the subject too. These are resources that I found doing a quick search on gender identity and pronouns, and aren't representative of all of the viewpoints on the topic.

Even if you don't see gender identity stuff applying to you, please take the time to learn about it. People would feel more happy, safe, and respected if you took the time and effort to understand a bit more about the topic.

~~ In response to the original post ~~
I use she/they pronouns, and like both and use both interchangeably. People tend to only use "she" when referring to me, but it really makes me happy when people use "they" too.

 

[.: Meri :.]

I generally try to alternate which sets I use for a person (unless they specify otherwise of course) if I see they use multiple pronouns. So, something along the lines of, "Yeah, I really like her videos—they started a new ACNH island in their last one! You should check her out."
I'm fine with she, they, and he pronouns for myself, and I personally don't really care what pronouns/gendered terms are used to describe me as long as it's not meant derogatorily. I do think it's cool when people switch up the pronouns they use for me, but it's not necessary.

It's different for different people, of course, so I think the best thing to do is ask them (if you're in a situation where you can). Some people are equally fine with both, others may prefer one set but don't mind if you use the other, and some people will want you to switch up the ones you use from time-to-time. Otherwise, as long as you're using any of their correct pronouns, I think you're good.

 

[idiotdoomspiral]

I go by any pronouns, predominantly he/him. If I could picture an order of preference it would be he > she > they, though it doesn't matter to me very much. If you don't know someone's pronouns it's always good to practice using they/them universally since it's gender neutral and can refer to guys, girls and anyone else who doesn't fit under those categories

 

[Croconaw]

Not everyone "looks" like the gender they identify as, so you could really hurt someone's feelings and disrespect them if you use the wrong pronouns.

This statement in particular really resonates with me. I don’t look like a typical female and I dress like a male. My interests align more with what males would be interested in. I want to dress and look more masculine, but it feels wrong identifying with anything other than female for me. I’ve been mistaken as a male quite a few times and it didn’t feel right. I’m perfectly fine when people do realize I am female. I feel that the only reason people know I’m a female is because of my “chest” which is fine by me. It’s less times I have to deal with being mistaken as male. The thing is, though, I don’t actually correct people because it’s not worth it and I’m not going to see those random people again anyway.

 

[fairysyndrome]

i think ultimately it's good to interchange pronouns instead of defaulting all the time to one set if someone uses multiple types! people tend to default to the she/her and he/him when they're listed, but even if the person in question doesn't have a stated preference (or does lean towards the she or he vs the they), it's still good to use they / them at times; they're listed for a reason!

~~ In response to the original post ~~
I use she/they pronouns, and like both and use both interchangeably. People tend to only use "she" when referring to me, but it really makes me happy when people use "they" too.

this is how it is for me too haha (and several of my friends who use she/they or he/they), people tend to only use the she/he but it's nice to be referred to with they when it happens!

 

[Alienfish]

Cis female and fine with she/he/they etc. as long as people don't refer me to pixie/plant/unicorn or stuff that is just disrespectful for me to be honest.

 

[Chris]

I use he/they. My preference is he/him, but some people gravitate to they/them or alternate between the two and that's absolutely fine.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

This statement in particular really resonates with me. I don’t look like a typical female and I dress like a male. My interests align more with what males would be interested in. I want to dress and look more masculine, but it feels wrong identifying with anything other than female for me. I’ve been mistaken as a male quite a few times and it didn’t feel right. I’m perfectly fine when people do realize I am female. I feel that the only reason people know I’m a female is because of my “chest” which is fine by me. It’s less times I have to deal with being mistaken as male. The thing is, though, I don’t actually correct people because it’s not worth it and I’m not going to see those random people again anyway.

see I'm the opposite, I identify as non-binary/trans-masculine and I try really hard to dress masculine but people still call me she/her nonstop. it's kinda annoying how often it happens lol. I even wear a he/him pin and it doesn't help.

 

[Princess Mipha]

I don't care what people call me, nor what people want to be called. The only thing I absolutely hate is when for example I talk to a person and think it's a "She" and then they get all mad and call me transphobic or whatever, because they want to be called "They". Like, I can't read your mind. If you didn't mention it anywhere how am I supposed to know? Say it to me without assuming that I'm something that I'm clearly not. I just can't read minds.

 

[iiyyja]

I don't care what people call me, nor what people want to be called. The only thing I absolutely hate is when for example I talk to a person and think it's a "She" and then they get all mad and call me transphobic or whatever, because they want to be called "They". Like, I can't read your mind. If you didn't mention it anywhere how am I supposed to know? Say it to me without assuming that I'm something that I'm clearly not. I just can't read minds.

Try to understand where they're coming from with that frustration. I promise you're not the first person to misgender them. It builds up. They can't just blurt out their pronouns at the beginning of every interaction.

 

[Croconaw]

With the above posts, the only thing I’ll say is that on very few occasions I have misgendered someone. I genuinely thought one way, and it turned out I was wrong. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, but I knew for next time. If I’m unsure, I’ll just use “they” because it’s gender neutral. “They” is just a better option if you’re unsure or have any doubt. I wouldn’t want to make someone uncomfortable by asking “hey, what’s your pronouns?” I’ve been asked this once, and it made me uncomfortable if I’m being honest. And as a cis-female, I do notice the pins and if someone is wearing a preferred pronoun pin, I will use those specific pronouns.

Like, for those who use certain pronouns, does it make you uncomfortable when someone asks what your pronouns are? I usually default to “they” if I’m unsure and don’t want someone to feel uncomfortable by asking. That’d be an awkward situation for both of us, lol.

 

[Princess Mipha]

Try to understand where they're coming from with that frustration. I promise you're not the first person to misgender them. It builds up. They can't just blurt out their pronouns at the beginning of every interaction.

Yeah, I can totally understand that it must be frustrating. However, it's not giving anybody the right to assume someone is transphobic or anything like that for simply not knowing. It's frustrating for both. Needing to correct people all the time for their gender / genderneutral / whatever you want to be called (!) must be really frustrating and annoying, which I can totally understand. Those people also need to understand though that (at least most) people don't do it on purpose. We simply can't know what someone has in mind (sadly).

 

[Alienfish]

Yeah, I can totally understand that it must be frustrating. However, it's not giving anybody the right to assume someone is transphobic or anything like that for simply not knowing. It's frustrating for both. Needing to correct people all the time for their gender / genderneutral / whatever you want to be called (!) must be really frustrating and annoying, which I can totally understand. Those people also need to understand though that (at least most) people don't do it on purpose. We simply can't know what someone has in mind (sadly).

This this this. Also when they get annoyed because you actually ask, as you say we can't read their minds so yeah sometimes it's you can't win. Like we're polite and learning to ask yet they throw a fit. Probably from frustration but yeah it's not the way to learn people and make them used to asking and use one's right pronouns.

 

[seliph]

i swear every thread about anything surrounding trans identities turns into cisgender people making up trans people to get mad at. i recommend starting to default to "they" for everyone unless stated otherwise, and i mean literally everyone both irl and online, especially if you're going to get upset about trans ppl not wanting to be misgendered.

anyways if someone uses two sets it's best to either ask or just alternate rather than making the decision yourself. personally i don't care in online spaces about 95% of the time, though irl i often prefer they/them around strangers if i'm presenting more effeminately 'cause i don't wanna get hatecrimed for being a he/him in a dress.

 

[duckykate]

I very much doubt any of you have ever actually had the experience you're talking about where you misgender a trans person and they "get angry and call you a transphobe". I have misgendered people many times IRL because my dumb brain equates appearance with a certain gender. the response is usually along the lines of "oh, it's actually ______" and I'm like "okay sorry". end of topic!!

Post automatically merged: Jan 23, 2022

This this this. Also when they get annoyed because you actually ask, as you say we can't read their minds so yeah sometimes it's you can't win. Like we're polite and learning to ask yet they throw a fit. Probably from frustration but yeah it's not the way to learn people and make them used to asking and use one's right pronouns.

and another thing!! no one's response to being asked their pronouns is anger! personally I'm delighted when someone does that and I'm sure my friends would say the same thing! I highly doubt this has actually happened to you and I kind of feel like you're just taking out your confusion/anger on people who don't even exist

 

[bellasmaster]

I very much doubt any of you have ever actually had the experience you're talking about where you misgender a trans person and they "get angry and call you a transphobe". I have misgendered people many times IRL because my dumb brain equates appearance with a certain gender. the response is usually along the lines of "oh, it's actually ______" and I'm like "okay sorry". end of topic!!

Post automatically merged: Jan 23, 2022

and another thing!! no one's response to being asked their pronouns is anger! personally I'm delighted when someone does that and I'm sure my friends would say the same thing! I highly doubt this has actually happened to you and I kind of feel like you're just taking out your confusion/anger on people who don't even exist

clearly you've never seen this video that's been uploaded tons of times online. the aggression of the person made the worker flustered to the point where he (the worker) could barely speak stuttering repeatedly. the person threatened the worker, did property damage to gamestop, was yelling, swearing, etc. all because the worker accidentally misgendered the person. so it absolutely does happen.

Try to understand where they're coming from with that frustration. I promise you're not the first person to misgender them. It builds up. They can't just blurt out their pronouns at the beginning of every interaction.

just because a person is frustrated because they've been misgendered a good amount of times doesn't give them the right to explode on the next random person who did it by mistake. the youtube video earlier in my post to the other person is also relevant to what you said.

pronouns used this way is mainly a newer thing with society. until it becomes more of a norm over time people will make mistakes until it becomes pattern recognition in their brain. so if someone is accidentally misgendered they cannot flip out on someone who accidentally does it because they hit a boiling point.

see I'm the opposite, I identify as non-binary/trans-masculine and I try really hard to dress masculine but people still call me she/her nonstop. it's kinda annoying how often it happens lol. I even wear a he/him pin and it doesn't help.

honestly if you wanted to have a good laugh and troll them what would be funny is when they do it purposely talk in the deepest voice possible to them while keeping a straight face. their reaction would be priceless.

The thing is, though, I don’t actually correct people because it’s not worth it and I’m not going to see those random people again anyway.

that's one of the most mature mindsets in this thread. at the end of the day the person leaves, you leave, life goes on. no reason to let it ruin your day for someone who is irrelevant to your life.