What's Bothering You?

Been lying in bed awake for over 3hrs. Might be due to the 4hr nap I took this evening although I came straight up to bed immediately after it so hoped I would fall right back to sleep. Depressingly, that 4hr nap is the most amount of sleep I've had in any 24hr period since the 25th.

I miss sleep. :(
 
This is minor; just my anxiety. Just worried that I’m annoying when I post something. I have a hard time getting to the point and drag on. Sometimes I go off topic too. >.<

Also, I got a ton of bug bites I think when I went outside to take pictures of my mom’s flowers. They’re bothering me so much.

I’m doing pretty good today, though I keep feeling the depression and thoughts about my best friend and the stuff that has been making me this way there.I miss how things used to be. 💔
 
I had to stop myself from saying bye to someone last night as not to embarrass myself. I always assume the best in people and think they’re acknowledging me. It turns out they were talking to someone else close to me in proximity and not me.

I mean, I kinda knew them so they weren’t just some random person. We don’t have to be best friends or anything but simple acknowledgment of my presence would be nice.

I don’t want to be entitled and force people to acknowledge me, and I can’t even tell if I’m being unfair in this instance. I’d be alright if it was some random person on the street, but this is someone I see often.

It’s similar to the instance I thought someone was going to hold the door for me, but they didn’t.

I’m starting to think that if I expect the worst in everyone, I won’t be disappointed.
 
nervous about the outcome of my job interview. i went back for a tour of the department, met new people, explored the system they use, and was told it was between me and another candidate. i should hear back next week, which is agonizing. i need out of my two jobs right now so badddd
 
This is a bit more serious than the things I have been posting about, but...

It looks like I'll be moving very soon. The lease is up in July, and they don't want to renew the lease. I normally would be excited. I don't have that much stuff so moving isn't really a pain and I think we'll be leaving most of these the things behind anyway. I'm really hoping my dad can find something close to our current residence because I want to keep my job.

I have BPD and have had my fair share of jobs I didn't like, so to have one I genuinely enjoy in almost every facet is unheard of. I can't say I felt this way about any of my other jobs. I don't know how much of it is to do with the fact my work is the only place I'm ever called my chosen name - Heck, not even my family does... but it must be more than that, right? I enjoyed the job before inevitably coming out to my manager and having everyone adjust to my new name.

I'm just not sure this is just a phase for me because I had this job for nearly two years - including the period in which I was borrowed before transferring completely to that store. I enjoyed it enough to want to work there more than just once a week when my availability called for it, and to be forced away from that environment because we have to move would suck.

My dad is looking for places in the area and there seems to be things available, but my mind is thinking about "what if I do have to actually move a reasonable distance away?" I'm hoping my dad can secure something around here... As someone with BPD, finding another job I feel this comfortable at and vibe amazingly with the people, even the ones I don't particularly care for, would be near impossible.

Yes, I am overthinking this all because of a job, of all things.
 
Oh God, I'm just realizing how bad some of my current friends are (particularly some Discord friends and school friends). While they're not terrible people, they have major flaws that could maybe be considered red flags.

I won't go into too much detail, but here's the gist of it: Some of them have completely different opinions from me. That's not a bad thing, but it sucks when they're constantly shoving their views down your throat and making you feel like crap for having your own stance on something. Some of them also have certain behaviours that make me uncomfortable. These include substance use, saying hurtful slurs and stereotypes, sexualizing people, etc. Some of these friends have also said really rude comments to me when it was totally uncalled for and never apologized for it.

And honestly? I feel bad for seeing my friends in this light, because they are caring and have been there for me when I needed emotional support, which I appreciate. But... Man, I wish I had better friends who were more thoughtful, considerate, and like-minded. I don't need another person in my life who thinks education is useless, or has unethical thoughts, or makes me feel like **** for having differing interests and opinions.
 
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I JUST SAT IN ****ING DOG **** AND IT GOT ON MY SKIRT HSHSJSJ AND THANKFULLY THE STAIN DISSAPEARED WITH WATER BUT THEN RIGHT AS I WAS ALL CLEANED UP I SAW A GIANT DARK LONG THREAD HANGING OFF MY CLOTHES IN THE MIRROR AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT ****ING CENTIPEDE CRAWLING ON ME AND I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER IT’S BEEN LIKE 5 MINUTES AND I’M STILL SHAKING,,,
 
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