I'm losing my mind and it feels as if I have no refuge. There's nothing I can do I'm just watching my life slowly slip away while everything around me seems perfectly fine. I am trapped, trapped, trapped. My mind is the only place I feel safe. Alone is safe. Alone is lonely. Even though I feel safe in my mind it's the worst place for me to be. It's where I was told that I am too fat to eat more than one decent size meal a day. It's where I'm thoroughly convinced that I will fail at anything I try to do. Where I am convinced that I am the family disappointment and that I will never amount to anything ever. My mind is a terrible place and i'm trapped inside with no way out other than death.
Death, it seems so inviting. It'll take me to a place where I no longer have to deal with these everyday trials and failures. Basically the only thing that's keeping me here, on this earth alive are the people around me. I don't want them to hurt because of me. I feel so empty and alone but when I see my teammates, friends, and family they show me how much they care and I feel torn. So torn. I can't put them through something like that. It's hard for me to understand why they light up and get so excited when they see me, I don't want to hurt them I just wonder what they see in me. Do they see me and love me for who I really am or do they only see the mask I wear everyday and love who I pretend to be?
Masks. Mines wearing down and getting harder and harder to wear all the time. My face has gone from a constant smile while resting to a look of unending sadness all the time (in less than a year). They're starting to notice and ask why I look so angry/sad all the time, I say it's nothing and that its how my face just is because it's too much to explain to them how I'm really feeling. I hate myself and know I'm not worth anything. Life is running away from me while I'm a prisoner to my own mind. The only way I feel in control of whats happening in my life is when I cut. It doesn't draw too much blood so its not super deep or anything but scabs and scars do show up so nobody would question it if they saw, they would know. A sharp needle once used to fix together fun pieces of art I crocheted and created, something I was good at and enjoyed but now I can't get myself to do it. The needle once used to fix and create is used to create different types of 'art' all up and down my wrists. A red and white zebra, that's what I've become. I need someone to save me. I know that only I can save myself but I'm not strong enough for it.
Help. Help. Help. Help me please. I'm lost. I'm trapped. I'm alone. So, so alone.