Fabioisonfire
total a-hole
<big><big><big>The Egg Story</big></big></big>
Okay, so, as always, everything I am about to tell you is true. This all happened over the course of this weekend (Friday through tonight, Sunday, May 3rd). I blame all of this on my promiscuous lifestyle and my failure to create a stable relationship. Maybe you can learn from this mistake.
Anyway. So, Friday rolls around. Great night, me and some of the football team are playing Madden 2009 on my XBox, just hanging out. We get bored and decide to cruise around. My best friends, Matt, Chase, and I are in a car, driving around.
Life was good.
Getting even more bored just driving, we stop at Matt's house to get two cartons of eggs. I think you can see where this is going. So, we're searching for targets, and I, the completely guilt-free and absolutely no conscience member of the group, volunteer to do all of the egging.
After around a half an hour of searching, nothing. Then we drive past Sarah's house. Sarah was my long time girlfriend for around two and a half years or something. Longest time I was ever (and will ever) with a girl, and we were really close. Longest story ever made short (and a hell of a lot of drama later), things went to hell, it ruined both of our lives, and now we hate each other.
I see her car. I remember my hatred for her.
"Stop the car."
"Dude, it's right in her driveway, they'll see us."
"Stop the car."
Matt and Chase knew I had my mind set on this one. Chase pulled up slowly, and turned his lights off. I sprinted out of the truck, eggs in hand, and pelted her car with around ten. Everywhere. Beautiful.
Now, being the idiots we were, we didn't realize that Sarah's best friend, Aly, was staying over that night.
AS I AM EGGING HER CAR, the two of them somehow saw us, they SPRINT out the door after me, I drop the eggs, run to the car, and we hightail it the *censored.3.0* out of there.
"Oh my God. Oh my God. They saw you, dude, they're going to call the cops, they *censored.3.0*ing saw you."
"Shut the *censored.3.0* up, I know, shut up, shut up, drive!"
We blaze down main street and out to the truck stop. We all get out of the car, arguing.
"What do we do, what do we do?"
"Shut up and let me think. *censored.2.0*."
"We need to all get home. Now."
We drive home. Right as Chase drops me off, I book it into my place. My mother greets me at the door. *censored.2.0*. Does she know? Did she get a call? *censored.2.0*, *censored.2.0*!
"Breath." (She's checking for alcohol.)
I blow into her face. "Here."
We walk in together and before she gets the chance to say anything I'm in my room.
I take off my egg yolk encrusted pants and throw them into my drawer. I couldn't sleep.
The next morning, I get a text message from Justin, Aly's boyfriend. I like Justin. (These texts are directly from my phone.)
"dude wat r u doin right now??"
"im sittin at home, y?"
"no just makin sure"
"aly texted u didnt she"
"yeah man, u didnt mess with her car did u?"
"nah man just sarah...."
"good.. please don't.. i know how to use a wrench lol and i like u id hate to have to *censored.3.0* your *censored.2.0* up haha"
"haha nah its all good. wat were they like??"
"they were freakin out and sarah was crying"
"she cried?"
"yeah"
"*censored.3.0*ING AWESOME"
For the day (Saturday), I stay worried. Nothing yet. My friends come over and we discuss it all.
Later that night, I got a restricted call. I ignored it. There was a voicemail left. I listened to it.
"Fabio, listen up, because I'm only gonna say this once. If you ever do *censored.2.0* to Sarah's car again, egging it and *censored.2.0*, I will find you you little *censored.4.0* and rip your balls off, *censored.4.0*. Alright? Alright, you'll hear from me again."
She got someone to call me and threaten me? HAH. I couldn't recognize the voice, it wasn't someone from Shelby. I'm guessing it was Rachel's (her sister) boyfriend, Andrew. Anyway, I text Sarah with this message: (Again, taken directly from my phone.)
"good plann u got sum1 to call me? tell him id love for him to call again so we could speak.. so you want to play hard ball with fabio biancarelli, eh? batter up."
She never responded.
So, the moral of the story? Well, there isn't one. Other than awesome *censored.2.0* happens to me.
Update (05/04/09):
So today (Monday, March 5th) at school, we all sit at our lockers before the first bell rings. Our class is pretty tight, so we all sit together. It's all normal, Sarah's just sitting there... and then the bell rang.
I get up, and start walking to class. She's coming my way. I look through her, thinking she was just going to her locker. I was wrong.
She sticks her arm out, stiff arms me in the shoulder, and here is what happened to the best of my memory. EVERYBODY witnessed this.
"You wanna learn a lesson, huh? You need to stop doing *censored.2.0* to my car. You're so immature!" (I'm laughing and giggling through this.) "At least I have the guts to confront you about it and not egg your car like a panzy ass *censored.4.0* when it's at night!" She was tearing up. "You're such a *censored.7.4*."
She walked away, as I'm giggling. "Hey, you got someone to call me? That was so nice. Tell him to call me again today, I'd love to be able to answer and talk to him. By the way, you're wearing two different socks." (She actually was.)
She stormed off, and I followed behind her. These are my exact words.
"I don't think you understand how much of a vindictive person I am. You should know me better. You're messing with the wrong *censored.3.0*er." (Reciting a line from my text.) "You want to play hard ball with Fabio Biancarelli? Batter up."
Update (06/01/09):
The day after that, my mother comes down to my room.
"Did you egg Sarah's car?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Her mother just called me and said she was shaking and crying because of something you said to her about it today at school. A text message, Fab? Seriously? How could you be so stupid!? They have PROOF of you doing this *censored.2.0* to her."
"Mom, it's not a big deal."
"Yes, it is! You KNOW her parents and how they will react! They just threatened to call the police on you, Fab, do you realize that?"
"Mom- it was a stupid mistake BLAH BLAH"
An hour of arguing. She lets me go and takes my *censored.2.0* away. The next day, I was forced to apologize to her face or face charges.
I walk up to her nervous face.
"I'm sorry."
And walked away. The hardest thing I've had to man up to, ever.
Okay, so, as always, everything I am about to tell you is true. This all happened over the course of this weekend (Friday through tonight, Sunday, May 3rd). I blame all of this on my promiscuous lifestyle and my failure to create a stable relationship. Maybe you can learn from this mistake.
Anyway. So, Friday rolls around. Great night, me and some of the football team are playing Madden 2009 on my XBox, just hanging out. We get bored and decide to cruise around. My best friends, Matt, Chase, and I are in a car, driving around.
Life was good.
Getting even more bored just driving, we stop at Matt's house to get two cartons of eggs. I think you can see where this is going. So, we're searching for targets, and I, the completely guilt-free and absolutely no conscience member of the group, volunteer to do all of the egging.
After around a half an hour of searching, nothing. Then we drive past Sarah's house. Sarah was my long time girlfriend for around two and a half years or something. Longest time I was ever (and will ever) with a girl, and we were really close. Longest story ever made short (and a hell of a lot of drama later), things went to hell, it ruined both of our lives, and now we hate each other.
I see her car. I remember my hatred for her.
"Stop the car."
"Dude, it's right in her driveway, they'll see us."
"Stop the car."
Matt and Chase knew I had my mind set on this one. Chase pulled up slowly, and turned his lights off. I sprinted out of the truck, eggs in hand, and pelted her car with around ten. Everywhere. Beautiful.
Now, being the idiots we were, we didn't realize that Sarah's best friend, Aly, was staying over that night.
AS I AM EGGING HER CAR, the two of them somehow saw us, they SPRINT out the door after me, I drop the eggs, run to the car, and we hightail it the *censored.3.0* out of there.
"Oh my God. Oh my God. They saw you, dude, they're going to call the cops, they *censored.3.0*ing saw you."
"Shut the *censored.3.0* up, I know, shut up, shut up, drive!"
We blaze down main street and out to the truck stop. We all get out of the car, arguing.
"What do we do, what do we do?"
"Shut up and let me think. *censored.2.0*."
"We need to all get home. Now."
We drive home. Right as Chase drops me off, I book it into my place. My mother greets me at the door. *censored.2.0*. Does she know? Did she get a call? *censored.2.0*, *censored.2.0*!
"Breath." (She's checking for alcohol.)
I blow into her face. "Here."
We walk in together and before she gets the chance to say anything I'm in my room.
I take off my egg yolk encrusted pants and throw them into my drawer. I couldn't sleep.
The next morning, I get a text message from Justin, Aly's boyfriend. I like Justin. (These texts are directly from my phone.)
"dude wat r u doin right now??"
"im sittin at home, y?"
"no just makin sure"
"aly texted u didnt she"
"yeah man, u didnt mess with her car did u?"
"nah man just sarah...."
"good.. please don't.. i know how to use a wrench lol and i like u id hate to have to *censored.3.0* your *censored.2.0* up haha"
"haha nah its all good. wat were they like??"
"they were freakin out and sarah was crying"
"she cried?"
"yeah"
"*censored.3.0*ING AWESOME"
For the day (Saturday), I stay worried. Nothing yet. My friends come over and we discuss it all.
Later that night, I got a restricted call. I ignored it. There was a voicemail left. I listened to it.
"Fabio, listen up, because I'm only gonna say this once. If you ever do *censored.2.0* to Sarah's car again, egging it and *censored.2.0*, I will find you you little *censored.4.0* and rip your balls off, *censored.4.0*. Alright? Alright, you'll hear from me again."
She got someone to call me and threaten me? HAH. I couldn't recognize the voice, it wasn't someone from Shelby. I'm guessing it was Rachel's (her sister) boyfriend, Andrew. Anyway, I text Sarah with this message: (Again, taken directly from my phone.)
"good plann u got sum1 to call me? tell him id love for him to call again so we could speak.. so you want to play hard ball with fabio biancarelli, eh? batter up."
She never responded.
So, the moral of the story? Well, there isn't one. Other than awesome *censored.2.0* happens to me.
Update (05/04/09):
So today (Monday, March 5th) at school, we all sit at our lockers before the first bell rings. Our class is pretty tight, so we all sit together. It's all normal, Sarah's just sitting there... and then the bell rang.
I get up, and start walking to class. She's coming my way. I look through her, thinking she was just going to her locker. I was wrong.
She sticks her arm out, stiff arms me in the shoulder, and here is what happened to the best of my memory. EVERYBODY witnessed this.
"You wanna learn a lesson, huh? You need to stop doing *censored.2.0* to my car. You're so immature!" (I'm laughing and giggling through this.) "At least I have the guts to confront you about it and not egg your car like a panzy ass *censored.4.0* when it's at night!" She was tearing up. "You're such a *censored.7.4*."
She walked away, as I'm giggling. "Hey, you got someone to call me? That was so nice. Tell him to call me again today, I'd love to be able to answer and talk to him. By the way, you're wearing two different socks." (She actually was.)
She stormed off, and I followed behind her. These are my exact words.
"I don't think you understand how much of a vindictive person I am. You should know me better. You're messing with the wrong *censored.3.0*er." (Reciting a line from my text.) "You want to play hard ball with Fabio Biancarelli? Batter up."
Update (06/01/09):
The day after that, my mother comes down to my room.
"Did you egg Sarah's car?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Her mother just called me and said she was shaking and crying because of something you said to her about it today at school. A text message, Fab? Seriously? How could you be so stupid!? They have PROOF of you doing this *censored.2.0* to her."
"Mom, it's not a big deal."
"Yes, it is! You KNOW her parents and how they will react! They just threatened to call the police on you, Fab, do you realize that?"
"Mom- it was a stupid mistake BLAH BLAH"
An hour of arguing. She lets me go and takes my *censored.2.0* away. The next day, I was forced to apologize to her face or face charges.
I walk up to her nervous face.
"I'm sorry."
And walked away. The hardest thing I've had to man up to, ever.
