Mercedes the mayor of Belltree. (Fan-fiction)

Mercedes

I’m way ahead of you
Joined
Dec 22, 2013
Posts
12,527
Bells
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Red Envelope
Red Envelope
Fortune Cookie
Spring Shamrock
Pink Hybrid Cosmos
Pink Hybrid Lily
ど
Chocolate Cake
Mother's Day Carnation
Apple (Fruit)
I am on a train, when this odd cat comes up to my seat. Hi! May I sit here? I nod, not knowing whatever else to say. The the cat says Hi my names rover! Oh! Hold it...what's you name?" (This cats creepy I think to my self. I am only 12 on a train by my self.. ) Umm.. I mutter, M-Mercedes...
What a cute name! He replies.
We're are you going to Mercedes? Um...B-Belltree sir. I said. I have never heard of it. Rover said can you show me on one of my many maps? (God what a weird-o) I think to my self. I point on a map. He then asks me a bunch of boring questions... Finally I heard a voice on an intercom, Belltree station! Everyone for Belltree step off here! Rover waved good-bye, and I stepped off the train. 5 animals were their.. Omg it's her! A cat that looks like an orange says. O-oh she' cute! <3 said a clown like sheep. Gah ..we have a noob great... Said a white squirrel.
Oh does she like food? Said a octopus with a flan tank on.
Hi hi mayor I am Rosie!!! Said a purple peppy cat.
A blond dog kinda looked around, and said 1....2...3..then everyone said WELCOME!!! Hi! Mayor I am Isabelle! Your assistant ! Isabelle says. Umm..I say Look guys your really cool but...I am not the mayor. I reply. Isabelle giggled, hehe mayor it's just like you said it would be! You step off the train..then poof! Here you are! She smiles. Look leave me alone! I start flinging my arms in the air. And start thronging a hissy fit. I yell, I am 12! I am not your mayor! Your a crazy dog! Crazy! Mayor Mercedes! I yell. Isabelle yells. It's fine I do all the work really, your, more of a figure face..really...but you need to get a house!

END OF PART 1

Ok Isabelle, were do I go? I say. She hands me a town map. Over to Main Street mayor! Isabelle said. Ok..I think to my self I walk a few minutes. Ok...Nooks homes. Ah here it is! It's shabby, I mutter. I walk in the shop, Ah welcome! Your the new mayor no? nook asks Well...kinda yes..I say shyly. Ah great! Show me were you want your house. nook reply's we then walk back into the little town. Over here near the river! Is this good nook? I ask.
Oh yes yes! I need 10,000 bells! To build your home. Nook said rudely.
What do you need with all that money? ask Well...um...OH..to use it for building materials! He said Fine let me call Tensea, I need the bells.. I say quietly.
Oh oh have a place to sleep here's a tent! Nook said boldly. Nook I am not dumb, I just moved here! I am broke! I say snappishly back I hit the phone keys and it starts to ring. What? Oh hi Mercedes how's the new town? Tensea asks
I am some how the mayor... *sigh* But really I need about 10,000 bells. I say
Why? I mean er s-sure..he said shyly
Good answer come over later bye! I say and I hang up.
Did you get your money from your friend? Nook asked Yep! I say boldly
I then hear Isabelle's voice on the town halls intercom. Isabelle says someone's at the train station.
I look at nook and say Well that's him....Better go!


END OF PART 2

:P I tried to fix spelling errors and such... lol my grammar sucks and this is my 1st fan-fiction... xP I love to write though!




Should I continue? Tell me what you think! :D ~Luckypinch A.K.A Mercedes age 12
 
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its cool but you have to work on the " and ". I can't tell who's talking first off, and second it sounds like no one is talking at all When you're writing actions don't do this: *rings doorbell* do this: I rung the doorbell. You should also work on transition. One minute Mercedes is on the train, and a few seconds later she's at the train station...Sorry if I come off as rude or blunt, but I'm just giving my opinion. You don't have to listen to my opinion either, so don't stress it, I know you're only 12. :)
 
its cool but you have to work on the " and ". I can't tell who's talking first off, and second it sounds like no one is talking at all When you're writing actions don't do this: *rings doorbell* do this: I rung the doorbell. You should also work on transition. One minute Mercedes is on the train, and a few seconds later she's at the train station...Sorry if I come off as rude or blunt, but I'm just giving my opinion. You don't have to listen to my opinion either, so don't stress it, I know you're only 12. :)
:P Thanks! I really need to work on that.. xP Its just grammer is not my thing xD And I love feed-back :) I asked for it! :)
 
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