Hello. This is the real me.

VanitasFan26

I'm just a ghost.
Joined
Aug 9, 2020
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I’ve been quiet for too long. I need to get this off my chest.

I’m autistic. And living with autism is not easy—it’s confusing, isolating, and emotionally exhausting. I’ve spent years trying to fit in, trying to be “normal,” only to be brushed off, ignored, or told I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Since I was a kid, every time I tried to open up about how I felt, I was met with things like “calm down,” “stop being so hyper,” or the classic: “It’s not a big deal, get over it.” So I learned to bottle everything up. I knew that if I told people what was going on in my head, they’d either laugh it off, change the subject, or treat me like I was being dramatic.

Even when people asked, “Are you okay?” I stopped telling the truth. Because when I did answer honestly, I got nothing but dismissive responses. “You’ll get used to it.” “You’re too sensitive.”
Eventually, I gave up trying to be heard.

I’ve had people in my life—friends, even best friends—who acted like they understood me, but in reality, they didn’t. They twisted my words, talked behind my back, and made me feel like a joke. One even spread lies about me, and by the time he apologized, the damage had already been done. I was humiliated. The trust was gone.

I’ve spent years isolating myself, not because I want to be alone, but because no one seemed to understand me anyway. I stutter when I talk, I constantly second-guess myself, and I struggle to interpret people’s intentions. And when I take too long to respond, I force myself to say something—anything-to avoid making the other person uncomfortable, even if I don’t mean it. That’s how disconnected I’ve become from myself.

And that’s the truth: I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sometimes, I function as if everything is fine. Other days, I’m emotionally drained, sad, and lost. I go back and forth between trying to be strong and feeling like I’m falling apart. And when people call that “rambling” or act like I’m being dramatic, it only pushes me further into silence.

If you've ever wondered why I keep to myself… this is why.

I’m not looking for pity or attention. I want to be understood. Or at the very least, not dismissed.

This is me. Take it or leave it.
 
hello. 💚
i wanted to reach out, i am also autistic and have been through a lot of the same struggles as you so i really relate. being autistic is definitely exhausting and incredibly difficult sometimes, it is honestly hard to put words to it. i made it through elementary and middle school by capitalizing on the 'weird kid' 'lol so random' thing that was highly exacerbated by my ADHD, and my ADHD was so strong that i was very extroverted and loud and it worked mostly in my favor, but once i hit high school i sort of turned a lot more inward to myself and kept to myself, i wasn't able to really make any friends and the ones i did make just pitied that i didn't have anyone else or they were using me for the fact i had a car and could drive.
i understand your struggles and it can be incredibly difficult to make friends as an autistic person for so many reasons. i am new here but i can say that i appreciate you for being open about yourself and your struggles and that if you're looking to make friends that understand you, i'd love to chat more! i'm also very understanding of low social energy so no pressure there either, and i'd never be someone who was offended about it. 🐸

sorry for the long reply! i'm not very concise 😭
 
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