helenkeller
fecal sewage ♥
I realized my anxiety came later in life now that I am 20---
I have an older dad, he is in his mid to late 60s regardless of him being healthy, I fear he is going to die every single day... None of my peers I grew up around had parents half the age of my dad. (my mom is 15 years younger than him) It made me realize "I am going to lose my dad way younger than everybody else, and nobody is going to know what it is like." I have one friend, who is in high school still who sort of understands, but my issue goes further than that.
I think of scenarios of my brother walking in to find the parrot dead.. I fear someone will feed her avocado or something she cannot have (when we already know what and what NOT to feed her, he is also very diligent about it- he won't even feed her sunflower seeds--- they're like crack to birds). I think of my dog being hit by a car.. Or my cat dying..
I don't know why I am like this. I think it is because.. Well when I was in eighth grade I went through my first family death, my great grandma (if you know me, my great grandparents and my two grandmas are my only grandparents in my life) died. About half a year later, right before freshman year started, my great grandpa went too. Then in January of Freshman year, we had to put my childhood dog to sleep, I was prepared for this one-- but it hurt the most. Fourteen days later, I woke up, and my dog wasn't in the fenced in area. It is a huge outside area that had 8 foot fencing and was more than enough room for running and romping. She jumped the fence and was hit by a car. My dad put her in there, and I was laying down after school and fell asleep too long. If it was my dog who was put to sleep weeks before, he would have been there. I didn't give it much thought. I had to see her lay there after my dad brought her up the long driveway... I found out she died from fb by the way, before my mom and dad found her in a near by ditch. Missing him was too much and we assume she went looking for him, because it smelled like him everywhere and she would wander around all day smiling thinking she was going to find him...
A few months later, my mom put the sweetest cat we had to sleep, he had some mental issues where he kept cutting himself open very very deep... Then going into my sophomore year, my grandma died on my dads side... (leaving me w one grandparent *only one who speaks to me*)
The next year-- my junior year I had the instinct that my cat (fifth birthday present) was not okay. I was freaking out and said "she just isn't okay this is not her normal behavior" well I was right, she died three weeks later due to liver failure. We had her euthanized--- her follow up appointment day--- she came running from under my dresser meowing, swaying back and fourth cause she couldn't even balance while walking.. I scooped her up and that was the end of her walking so since treatment didn't work she was put down.. That summer I rescued a kitten from outside, and when I went to my friends for one night only, she died that night in my moms arms...
I had no time to grieve and I think that is why I cannot handle death and fear it. Every time I thought "I might be okay" something else happened.
I know I don't need therapy (I have hated it since I was 8) I just want to not feel alone and not as crazy. I want some tips that can not make me think of everything and everyone I know dying. Does anyone else go through this on a day to day basis or can at least relate to me?
I have an older dad, he is in his mid to late 60s regardless of him being healthy, I fear he is going to die every single day... None of my peers I grew up around had parents half the age of my dad. (my mom is 15 years younger than him) It made me realize "I am going to lose my dad way younger than everybody else, and nobody is going to know what it is like." I have one friend, who is in high school still who sort of understands, but my issue goes further than that.
I think of scenarios of my brother walking in to find the parrot dead.. I fear someone will feed her avocado or something she cannot have (when we already know what and what NOT to feed her, he is also very diligent about it- he won't even feed her sunflower seeds--- they're like crack to birds). I think of my dog being hit by a car.. Or my cat dying..
I don't know why I am like this. I think it is because.. Well when I was in eighth grade I went through my first family death, my great grandma (if you know me, my great grandparents and my two grandmas are my only grandparents in my life) died. About half a year later, right before freshman year started, my great grandpa went too. Then in January of Freshman year, we had to put my childhood dog to sleep, I was prepared for this one-- but it hurt the most. Fourteen days later, I woke up, and my dog wasn't in the fenced in area. It is a huge outside area that had 8 foot fencing and was more than enough room for running and romping. She jumped the fence and was hit by a car. My dad put her in there, and I was laying down after school and fell asleep too long. If it was my dog who was put to sleep weeks before, he would have been there. I didn't give it much thought. I had to see her lay there after my dad brought her up the long driveway... I found out she died from fb by the way, before my mom and dad found her in a near by ditch. Missing him was too much and we assume she went looking for him, because it smelled like him everywhere and she would wander around all day smiling thinking she was going to find him...
A few months later, my mom put the sweetest cat we had to sleep, he had some mental issues where he kept cutting himself open very very deep... Then going into my sophomore year, my grandma died on my dads side... (leaving me w one grandparent *only one who speaks to me*)
The next year-- my junior year I had the instinct that my cat (fifth birthday present) was not okay. I was freaking out and said "she just isn't okay this is not her normal behavior" well I was right, she died three weeks later due to liver failure. We had her euthanized--- her follow up appointment day--- she came running from under my dresser meowing, swaying back and fourth cause she couldn't even balance while walking.. I scooped her up and that was the end of her walking so since treatment didn't work she was put down.. That summer I rescued a kitten from outside, and when I went to my friends for one night only, she died that night in my moms arms...
I had no time to grieve and I think that is why I cannot handle death and fear it. Every time I thought "I might be okay" something else happened.
I know I don't need therapy (I have hated it since I was 8) I just want to not feel alone and not as crazy. I want some tips that can not make me think of everything and everyone I know dying. Does anyone else go through this on a day to day basis or can at least relate to me?
