Real Life Problem, Didn't Know Where Else To Go

[CM Mark]

I'm posting this here because no one here knows me IRL, and other boards that I am a member of will do nothing but mock me and be ***holes about the whole thing. TBT peeps seem to be more gentle about things.

First, a little set up. I'm a 34 year old male, engaged to the love of my life. I live in the US, she is currently in England at university for her master's degree. Before she left, we had a conversation and decided that while she was away, we would be in an open relationship. We set down very few rules, the main one was that we always tell the other when something happens. Another one was nothing romantic, just NSA sex. When she was home for the holidays, we decided to keep the openness going.

The current problem:

The GF of one of the other guys she has had sex with messaged me on Facebook tonight just to talk (I'm still not sure how the friendship from them came about, don't ask). I mentioned something that I though she would know, since they are in an open relationship too. Turns out she didn't. She ten mentioned to me that my finacee had mentioned something to her BF about having broken all of our rules in one night. She apparently went on a romantic date with someone, and then spent the night with him. I just found this out less than an hour ago, and it is still processing. I don't know what to think or do.

Other issues:

The openness was initially my idea, but I really have no game. I really don't know if I will be able to take advantage of being able to have sex with someone else while she's gone. She has taken advantage of it several times since she left.

 

[Pequepanda]

Wow D: Um, I'm sorry that you've been treated badly in other forums That's a sucky situation you're in and it probably makes it worse to have people insult you about that.

Have you confronted your fiance about it? You first need to confirm that what was told to you is true! Communication is the key. By what I can tell from your post it feels like you're not comfortable with the openness of the relationship. I don't know what to say D: I know I would eventually become devastated if my boyfriend started having sex with other girls even if I consented to it. D:

I don't know, but if you confirm that she broke the rules you guys agreed to (either by them confessing or by having some sort of proof) I think it would be best to break up with her... If she doesn't respect you then you don't have to stay with her, although it must be really hard. Um... Maybe someone older and with more experience will give better advice. I'm only 19 anyway... But I wanted to voice my opinion as a form of support because I can see you really need it. *hugs* And I would end the open relationship thing because now it's only causing trouble...

I hope everything ends well for you

But really, talk to her about it. That's the first thing you need to do. And you should talk in person, not over the phone or something! Body language is very important.

 

[CM Mark]

Wow D: Um, I'm sorry that you've been treated badly in other forums That's a sucky situation you're in and it probably makes it worse to have people insult you about that.

Have you confronted your fiance about it? You first need to confirm that what was told to you is true! Communication is the key. By what I can tell from your post it feels like you're not comfortable with the openness of the relationship. I don't know what to say D: I know I would eventually become devastated if my boyfriend started having sex with other girls even if I consented to it. D:

I don't know, but if you confirm that she broke the rules you guys agreed to (either by them confessing or by having some sort of proof) I think it would be best to break up with her... If she doesn't respect you then you don't have to stay with her, although it must be really hard. Um... Maybe someone older and with more experience will give better advice. I'm only 19 anyway... But I wanted to voice my opinion as a form of support because I can see you really need it. *hugs* And I would end the open relationship thing because now it's only causing trouble...

I hope everything ends well for you

But really, talk to her about it. That's the first thing you need to do. And you should talk in person, not over the phone or something! Body language is very important.

The problem is the 5 hour time difference. I had only just found out about this less than an hour before I posted this. The next time I'll be seeing her in person won't be until the end of May/early June, so it would have to be via Skype that I ask her about it.

Also, I am comfortable with the openness, just know that I most likely will never be able to take advantage of it due to my lack of game.

EDIT: Also, I should mention that the other board I mention is a much less PC group of people. I fit in well there.

 

[Stevey Queen]

Why would you agree to an open relationship? That's like asking for your relationship to fail.

Your going to have to confront her about it as soon as possible, even if that means via Skype.

 

[Jake]

her herp derp

1) talk to her about it
2) who cares if she went on a date i go on dates all the time for no reason just coz i am bored
3) dont have sex with people just b/cos she did, 2 wrongs dont make a right. keep ur morals friend

Why would you agree to an open relationship? That's like asking for your relationship to fail.

wtf u on drugs son open relationships are the best thing ever it means sluts like me needn't commit to one person its like a match made in heaven.

 

[dizzy bone]

The exact same thing happened to me before when I tried open relationships. I was doing long distance with a guy in Detroit who I had dated for a while in high school and then into college. We both had to tell each other when we slept with other people, no romantic relationships, sex is just sex etc etc. The only thing is that he was much more outgoing than me and slept with a lot more girls whereas I had "a lack of game" and was basically just hearing about all the girls he slept with. To be fair I wasn't actively looking for other people to have sex with but it really did ruin -the fun- for me lol. Anyways that was years ago and I've learned from my mistakes and open relationships actually worked great for me after him.

It sucks that you have to talk to her about it online before you meet her in person... To me, sex is just sex, and unless my boyfriend/girlfriend states at the beginning of the relationship that we're exclusive, then in my head it doesn't matter to me. BUT the no romantic relationships/feelings rule is a really tricky thing because both parties have to respect this rule or the whole point of open relationships doesn't work. Sometimes I think open relationships are just for cold hearted people like me because it's so easy for a lot of people to fall into romantic relationships in open relationships without realising since sex is a really intimate thing. I put a lot of trust in my partner before I initiate an open relationship and I know from the beginning that if they break the rules it's over for good. I hope when you do talk to her it was just a misunderstanding because it would be a deal breaker for me if she did, especially since she's your fiancee. The whole thing sounds a little fishy though and women are tricky (I'm talkin' about the gf that randomly contacted you as well...)

Ps. If you're just looking to have sex in an open relationship NSA, there's a thing called online dating. No game required. lol

 

[Flop]

I don't think I could ever be okay with an open relationship. I need to be committed to only one person.

 

[Neriifur]

I'd suggest breaking up with her.

Sorry I know it really sucks, and it looks like you care a LOT about her, but if she did that once and on the first day... I don't think there's much saving in the relationship. :/

How long have you two been together? Sorry if I missed where you said that..

One really big problem when you tell someone that they can be in an open-relationship, the other person is -very- likely to break -all- your rules. People get lonely, they want physical action, and when they can't have it... they may turn to someone else for all the things they are missing.

I've never agreed to being in an open relationship.. but I'm 28. I'm from the US and back in 2008 I dated this guy from England for about a year. He'd fly over to my country to be with me and we'd spend a lot of time together. I thought the relationship was seemingly going to last forever. We had a lot in common and I dunno we just clicked. Along the way there were some red flags.. such as I would ask him a question and he would completely ignore it and change the subject.. etc.. I ended up finding out he had another girlfriend and he was sleeping with other people +_+.. He was with someone else before we even started dating evidently. We didn't last much longer after I found out that..

So yeah I dunno =/ I'd break up with her if I were you. You could tell her everything you found out, and she could be like ," I was drunk!" "Ill never do it again!" "He forced me to have sex with him!" "I didn't know how to deal with the distance!~" or other bull**** excuses, but high chance is that she'll just do it again. I mean if you wanna talk to her, give her another chance, try to find a middle man that will spill everything she's doing. Talk to the same person again and see if the person will get later information out of her. etc. I can understand why you agreed to an open-relationship in hopes that your relationship wouldn't be destroyed by the distance. (Because that happens a lot.)

But yeah.. that's just my suggestion.

 

[RoosterInURbutt]

By saying you wanted an open relationship was step one in the end of the said relationship.
If you truly cared so deeply about each other this would never of even come up.
You could of made it would with out going astray.
It happened. It is what it is. Pick your life back up in order. It will all be ok.
But it's time to move on, let her go. I promise you things will be ok.