Mental health topic: How to deal with Offense?

[nightglow]

Living in a diverse world, you are bound to come across other people saying or doing things that are offensive. Regardless of how offensive the action or words said, or if the other person intentionally meant to hurt you or not, the feelings of offense must be processed in a healthy way in order to move on with life and to reduce or manage trauma if applicable. This thread is hopefully a place on sharing how you healthily process feelings offended in life, and the environment it happened in can make that challenging sometimes. All the more reasons to discuss.

What are some ways you healthily process feelings of being offended?

What if the incident took place at work or school?

What if the incident took place at home with family?

What if the incident took place online with strangers?

What if the incident took place x months or x years ago?

What are some resources to reach out to if you are finding yourself struggling with feeling offended and trying to manage that?

What are some variables or are there any variables to remember when finding yourself offended?

What if you are in a circumstance when you don't receive an apology?

What if you are in a circumstance that your received an apology but feel an apology is not enough?

Is there a good rule of thumb of how long you should wait to respond directly to the person who offended you or not respond to them at all?

When is it a good time to reach out to a mental health professional for help vs just a friend?

Any other good things to remember when dealing with feeling offended?

 

[Chris]

I'm not easily offended. When I am I don't confront them unless I'm close to them and it is going to be an obstacle in our relationship. I take time to think it over, try to consider their point of view, and often sleep on it before taking any action so I can approach it calmly (if it even still feels necessary). At work or online I report it if it requires it rather than handling directly.

Then I work through those feelings on my own by channeling them into creative projects and working out. For well-being I practice mindful hobbies to try to avoid hyperfixating - baking, crochet, and puzzles being my current go-tos. Although a good vent to a third party also helps.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

If it’s really offensive and has a negative effect on those with mental health issues, I will call people and tell them exactly why they are wrong and should not be saying such things. Some minor comments such as those with mental health issues that go to therapy are crazy I’ll let slide because it’s not worth arguing over but if someone says everyone with mental health issues are violent criminals then I will step in and say something. I will not stand for ableism against the mentally challenged and autistic community either.

 

[-Raven-]

I am easily annoyed but I think I’m less easily offended.

If someone says something bigoted or something that’s typically a bigot dogwhistle then fight fire with fire, don’t care if I’m aggressive back to them… doesn’t mean swearing back or hurling a slur or insult, because those are just bad in general, I mean in terms of respect/patience given. If I’m even part of the conversation with them at all.

These days I’m finding myself just blocking a lot of people on Discord who speak in dogwhistle. I see them do it repeatedly so there isn’t any benefit of the doubt in potential naivete and it’s not worth my effort.

 

[Tude]

People get offended too easily. They're just words, no need to throw a fit.

 

[nightglow]

I came down with the flu last night so I casually lurked cuz I can't do anything now until this goes away, ugh. I just feel I should make a small post for more clarity on the topic
(Let's be patient btw).

Processing feelings of offense is important. If they are not processed, it can cause grudges and unprocessed feelings of offense will spill into other relationships in your life with people who haven't actually done anything to you.
And sometimes knee jerk reactions alone can cause damage, and there are times that the offended person is in the wrong because they misunderstood the situation, or they were given false information. It is very unlikely an offended person will apologize or even realize (except maybe way later when more damage has been done) that they themselves were wrong because of x y z. And when one person is offended, it easily spreads like a wildfire, other people get offended. And it can end up in a rapid cycle. Although it is an extreme case, you can see things like this before war, divorce, or even destruction of a community (due to the social aspect of the community).
Some offense is just words, but not always. And there are different severities of offense, yes. However all need processed at some point if a person wants peace and doesn't want it to spread into other areas of their life, because it will.
And it is highly unlikely simply saying I'm offended and the like, alone allows the feelings processed. Feeling offended is a very big and powerful emotion with deep roots. And everyone at some point will get offended over something and have to face processing the feelings of offense.

 

[Midoriya]

Honestly? I don't get offended that often or easily, but when I do and someone's intent is meant to be that way against me, I lose instant respect for them. I've been through way more than enough by now in my life that I don't even care about the opinions of people who offend me. They're not worth my time and I've given people numerous chances in my life only for it to bite me in the you know where.

I'm usually a positive person and rarely get angry or offended, only for very good reasons. So maybe that says something about the people who are "offending" me more than it does about myself.

 

[sleepey]

Interestingly, I’ve noticed that a lot of folks who claim they don’t get offended very easily have the most difficulty taking responsibility for causing real harm

That said, I have a lot of respect for people who fairly and publicly discuss their feelings when it comes to these things. There’s a lot of pressure on the individual, in Western cultures, to “self-regulate” in the face of “offense” and not enough collective responsibility to address interpersonal conflict and harm

 

[QueenCobra]

1. Usually I listen to music, watch a lot of funny videos, and/or write something.

2. I was bullied constantly at school-- both both kids and teachers. It was awful. I didn't know I was on the autism spectrum back then, so I thought something was seriously wrong with me, like I had a severe mental illness. I got anxious and depressed. But since I work from home, I don't have that issue lol.

3. With family, it would probably be my extended family because they're toxic af. But they're crazy so whatever
they say feels irrelevant.

4. Online with strangers? You get used to it with time. There's only been a handful of times someone has directly insulted me on the Internet. At first it stung, but since you don't see or hear these people, it's easier to deal with.

5. Sometimes old situations rise in my brain at night. It still hurts, but time reduces the affect of it. Even worse is a situation where you accidentally offended someone and they never forgive you.

6. Look at hot wrestlers. I'm not even kidding. Thirsting sometimes makes all the worries go away lol.

7. Variables? That secure, happy people don't go around being rude and insulting others. It says way more about them than myself.

8. Not getting an apology sucks, especially from someone like family or an old friend. But if it's some random person, I don't feel entitled to it.

9. If an apology isn't enough, I might have to cut the person out of my life.

10. I usually don't respond (if online), but if someone is being rude to your face I think you have to stand up for yourself. I got inspired to stand up for myself from Nene Leakes of all people. (I used to watch "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" lol.)

11. I think you need a mental health professional if you're in a toxic situation with family or a significant other, and/or it's affecting your mental health.

12. A sense of humor goes a long way. It's helped me deal with tough situations, both past and present.

 

[Midoriya]

Honestly? I don't get offended that often or easily, but when I do and someone's intent is meant to be that way against me, I lose instant respect for them. I've been through way more than enough by now in my life that I don't even care about the opinions of people who offend me. They're not worth my time and I've given people numerous chances in my life only for it to bite me in the you know where.

I'm usually a positive person and rarely get angry or offended, only for very good reasons. So maybe that says something about the people who are "offending" me more than it does about myself.

Just wanted to add too that I'm not perfect at all and I make mistakes from time to time and regret things I have said or done in the past. The difference is that I'm always self-reflecting 24/7/365 and thinking about how to make improvements to myself or areas of my life. I have it tough enough as it is having been born with Aspergers, so any time I have to socialize with others in my life I have to go that extra mile in order to make up the difference. I don't even use that as an excuse or crutch, either, even though I easily could.

That's the last I'm going to say on this matter.

 

[Tude]

I don't even care about the opinions of people who offend me. They're not worth my time

You dropped this

 

[pup]

do you want to attempt repair/resolution with this person or is this something you want to tend to on your own (or with someone else)? those are probably the first questions i'd use to guide literally anything else.

usually being offended comes from not feeling seen/understood, a new wound, or an old wound.

there's so many layers w/ how to deal with all of the nuances and contexts of this. generally i try to approach it from a "what do i need to feel more seen or more myself" before i attempt any repair, if i even want to do that. a stranger ain't worth my time. however! repair and conflict are a great way to strengthen a relationship, and i am pro addressing things after i've had cool down time. i've found in my close relationships feeling offended or hurt often involved a misunderstanding, and if i'm curious about what's going on for the other person we often feel closer in the end. that's not relevant if the harm was intentional (or the person isn't willing to engage w/ your feelings), but that's rarely a relationship i want to put energy into anyway.

having more awkward conversations about things going wrong makes it easier to have them in the future. it also makes it less scary when you mess up, which will inevitably happen.

 

[Romaki]

I'm not someone who gets offended easily, or ever, but I still stay far away from people who do offend or find it normal because that's just a major red flag to me. Empathy and kindness is so important in the world.

What are some ways you healthily process feelings of being offended?
When I get angry, I usually remove myself from a situation and take a moment to calm down. For your other questions, especially when it's online I happily use the block function. I think it's important to cultivate your online space however you see fit. You can't really control offline like that. but people do behave differently face-to-face. Communication is key, but you also need to learn when situations aren't worth the hassle.

What if the incident took place x months or x years ago?
In this case, go to therapy. Pure and simple, you have to process it.

What if you are in a circumstance when you don't receive an apology?
If I don't get an apology I don't consider that person worthwhile anymore.

What if you are in a circumstance that your received an apology but feel an apology is not enough?
I never think an apology is enough because what really matters is making up for it. If someone breaks something I own, I don't care about the apology. Replace it or give me the money to do so. If you hurt someone, saying sorry is a given but more importantly you should make it up for them. If I offend someone I might ask them where my thinking is wrong or whatever. Or I might consider giving them a little something.

When is it a good time to reach out to a mental health professional for help vs just a friend?
Don't use friends as a substitute for therapy. Friends are great for venting, but they don't help with your thought pattern. If anything, they'll make it worse. Like friends are for releasing toxic thoughts and therapy is for healing them.

Any other good things to remember when dealing with feeling offended?
Don't take things personal. If you're sensitive about something, either fix it or if there's no need for that learn how to appreciate it.

 

[Shawna]

So, I cannot really answer the questions asked in the OP, as there are many nuances to these situations and different answers depends on different situations, but I want to talk about my take on two very different types of situations.

To me, there is a massive difference between getting offended at someone making a general point that isn't even meant to directed at a person or a group (race, disability, age, etc.), and getting offended by someone actually targeting you with insults, attacks, discrimination, etc.

The former doesn't bother me. If anything, I've been on the side where I was the one who said something harmless and not directed at the people I was addressing, but they still got mad. This is what bothers me when people get offended.

The latter, however, is when I do get upset. Accidents and misunderstandings do happen, I understand that. However, there are people out there who do go out of their way to intentionally put other people down.

I am probably more sensitive than most people here. I get that. It's hard for me to not take things seriously and personally. I am under the neurodivergent umbrella, which intensifies my emotions and makes it difficult for me to simply "move on". I do apologize if that just seems like some poor excuse--but it really is a factor for us.

With that being said, I do try to take into consideration that it is more about the other person than it is about me. Under no circumstance, do I want to excuse and validate people just being bullies and attacking others who are simply living their lives. However, some people just never learn to deal with their insecurities, pain, etc. in a more positive, efficient, etc. way. I really do wish people would find better ways to handle their problems in life. Taking their pain out on others may provide very short-term relief, but it will just dig them a deeper hole in the long run.

I was never one to believe the who "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" and "they're just words" crap. Physical pain is not the only pain. People use these terms as cop-outs to go around and put people down for no reason.

I like how mental health was mentioned in the title, as this is a factor for both offenders and victims of offense. I do not want to go off on a tangent, but mental health is something I wish people where more knowledgeable about.

But yeah, just my two cents. I dop wish the world was a kinder place in general.

 

[Bo Selecta]

I use a technique that my mother taught me. She's Jewish, so has experienced a lot of antisemitism in her life, yet is one of the calmest and most patient people to walk this planet, I swear.
I will have to translate it into better English (she's Polish), but here is the technique.

Imagine you are stood behind a wall of indestructible glass. You can see the anger in people's faces on the other side. They are throwing words, which you must imagine are objects. You can't hear the angry words as the glass is too thick. The glass is a barrier, so the words merely bounce off the glass. If you close your eyes or turn away, you can't even see the anger or the words. You can tune it out and ignore it. You don't have to collect the words and store them in your home once the person is finished. Let them continue and don't clean up for them. Walk away with no hurt in your heart.

It works for me anyway.