Confusion about OCD (and a tiny ramble...)

[marzipanmermaid]

I talked to my counselor the other day.
They think a lot of my issues are related to OCD, but I'm not sure. More or less because I'm a bit cloudy on what makes OCD. I'm obsessive, yes. Very much so to the point I make myself physically ill; compulsive? Um... Not so much? I don't know what makes compulsive behavior really. I'm one of those people that always thought OCD was having rituals involving touching or counting things. The most compulsive redundant things I do is re-writing things over and over to make them perfect. One mess up and I have to re-do it. Same with drawing. I'll re-do something until I feel it's right. You have no idea how hard it is to finish something, lol. Sketching takes forever. Inking is killer because one slightly squiggly line and I'm back to square one. That's it though: words and lines. But apparently mental rituals count; I kind of let it slip how often a day I have to reassure myself of things. I have to reassure myself at least 60+ times a day, non-stop, that things are okay in my life, in my head, in my heart and body. I have to reassure myself constantly that the thoughts I have that I know for a fact are a product of my situation aren't really mine, they're just manifestations of past trauma coming back for some reason. I have to reassure myself that my relationship is good, that I'm happy/safe/in love/who I am, that my boyfriend is safe/happy/in love with me. That I'm getting out of my less than great living situation, that when I go away to school I'll be okay, that my cat's okay. For awhile, I had this terrifying fear that I would find my cat dead in my room. So, I had to get up several times during the night and day to check her and reassure myself that she was okay. They said reassuring yourself is perfectly okay because it's just a natural thing we all do, but when I let on to the extent that I'm doing it, they said it sounds like it is getting in the way of going about my life normally. I lied and said it wasn't; I just really wanted to get out of there because they had also scolded me for not picking up my trial of Prozac. I just can't bring myself to pick it up for some reason. I'm scared of feeling like someone else again...

Spoiler: Storytime with Kelsey

Like, take last night for example: My boyfriend (Ty) and I were messing around and taking internet quizzes for fun. You know like, seeing how long we could survive the zombie apocalypse or what superhero we would be or what element best represents us. It was fun; we were just killing time until his parents fell asleep so we could finally close his door. Well, of course I had to check out relationship quizzes to see how good of a match he and I are and all that. Some of the questions triggered my anxiety a bit and my answers to others made me feel bad. I fell for him because of his personality and how he makes me feel/laugh; I really I don't care about looks because those fade and I'm far from Miss USA myself. I've always been that way. But my brain took it as: "Huh. You think your boyfriend's ugly. Way to go." I never said or thought that because it's not true, I know it's not. I'm always the first to say he's cute and make him stop putting down how he looks. Sure, he's not everyone's cup of tea. He wasn't even mine initially. But he is now and I love him regardless. But my brain is beating me up for it and that coupled with some of the stuff my mum has said about him is making me doubt my feelings, even though I know my feelings are true. It's like pointing out all his little tiny flaws I've noticed and fallen in love with and trying to make me think otherwise about them/him. It's tiresome. I'm reassuring myself over and over that it's just my dumb anxiety toying with me. I feel like a bad girlfriend and it's not even my fault anymore. I was on the verge of tears last night over stupid internet quizzes and he just laid there with me. "This is hard sometimes. It is. But I love you. I'm not sure how your brain works anymore. But I love you and I still love your little brain. Cheer up. This is just an obstacle. You'll get through it. You're so strong. You've made a lot of mistakes and I know you hate yourself for it, but it's okay. I'm not letting you go. I know what's really you and what isn't. I know this isn't you. You're fighting back."

Another example: My love had a doctor's appointment today. He's kind of...problematic health-wise. There's a lot that can go wrong and does. He's already legally blind by most people's standards and he has all sorts of issues that I worry about, especially as we get older. Anyways, I was trying not to worry about it. Just concentrating on making lunch and ACNL. He just shot me a quick text saying he was at the doctor and then 10 minutes later that he was on his way home. Awesome. So of course I was asking how it went and just replied back: "Are you all cute and healthy? " "Nah." What is it this time? He was fine last night. Sure, he was sneezing a lot. But he's allergic to my cat and he stopped by for dinner. My stomach is in knots and he told me he'll just explain later. I'm not even sure what could be wrong this time. I'm trying to stay calm. My brain's a bit slow to react because I haven't been sleeping, but it's slowly starting to do the reassuring "He's okay, he's okay, he's okay" thing. I'm trying not to panic, but it's always something bad and it's never a small bad, like "You're sick." It's always like: staph infection that could've killed you, eye condition that could leave you blind and needing a transplant, nerve damage. I wish he would just tell me.

Sorry my OCD thing turned into me basically spilling my obsessive guts out...
I'm still confused about the whole thing and I don't wanna research it too much because that just makes things worse and I'll end up believing it. My boyfriend's been saying for a bit he thinks I have it so he wasn't surprised when I brought it up. But I'm not sure if I do. I don't want to believe it. Not yet anyways. Maybe this is just some weird phase.

 

[Pirate]

I was officially diagnosed with OCD last year and before going to the doctor and talking to anyone about it, I had been struggling with it all alone for 7 years. I'm still struggling even now and I'm not showing many signs of getting over it. Considering OCD is a form of anxiety, my doctor did suggest that I can take anxiety medication if I want to, but I refuse to because I want to fight it on my own.

From what I've read you are most definitely suffering as I can relate to you on a lot of things you mentioned. OCD isn't just about counting or organising things, it is a serious mental illness, which is why it frustrates me so much when people who don't suffer from it do something and say "omg I'm so OCD!" to try and make themselves sound quirky or something. My days are constantly filled with rituals, counting, talking to myself, reassurance and even bodily twitches that I have developed, which I obviously started doing to help reassure myself of things, but instead I just do it when I'm not checking anything or doing any of my usual rituals.

My rituals almost make me not want to do things because I don't want to face them. Every morning I wake up and groan because I know that when I wash my face, I'm going to rub the same parts of my face over and over. I'll put on my moisturiser and just be counting to 10 while I rub it in, but then I'll count to 10 again and again and again until I finally break free. If I put something down I will look at it, try to look away, look back, countless times, trying to assure myself that whatever I put down is most definitely there. Being in public is terrible for me if I have a bag with my phone, purse, etc. as I will just sit there and stare at the contents of my bag, whispering to myself and doing my awkward body twitches which makes me feel like a complete freak. Goodness knows what people are thinking when they see me doing it.

I didn't want to face the fact I had OCD either and I know it's hard. It's a very hard thing to combat and I can tell you from 7 years experience with it that it definitely isn't easy. But I assure you, it is possible to fight it. I do have moments where I don't obsess over anything and I feel so proud. Of course I crack sooner or later, but when I manage to fight it I feel great. Don't worry, you're not alone in this and if you ever need to pour your guts out again, my inbox is open. I understand how you feel and I know you can beat this, as I'm sure one day, maybe I can too.

 

[MisterEnigma]

I will state the obvious that everyone probably already knows, but...no one here will probably be able to give you a solid conclusive opinion on whether you do have OCD or not. If you're concerned, it'd be better to discuss it with family, friends, or a licensed physician. I understand fellowship is important in being able to relate to others in their struggles in life as well, but I don't think anyone here will be medically qualified enough to give you the answers you're looking for otherwise.

I don't wanna research it too much because that just makes things worse and I'll end up believing it.

Sometimes research can lead us to self-diagnosis because things start seeming similar and start to add up, and we begin drawing our own conclusions. This is true. But going into this with no research at all will leave you far worse feeling. OCD is nothing to be afraid of if you do have it. That doesn't make you any less of a person. All it does it give you a name and a reason why you're doing the things you're doing. Some people like that definitive answer, some people want to know what they can call it. I hope you'll take the time out for yourself to look into it though, and find the help and support you need, it's just a matter of looking in the right places.