Charcolor
icon: mayor maker by kyoosh
recently i've realized that i'm really childish. not in an immature way, but the things that i think are fun and interesting aren't too unlike what kids would think. i don't really do kids activities like playing with dolls or playing make-believe anymore, but that's really only because, who am i going to do those things with? i'm not particularly close with any of the little kids in my neighborhood, and i'm too socially awkward to play with them. and since i'm sixteen, i mostly socialize with other teenagers who would never be as childish. i don't mind that much, though.
i don't mind being too old to do things like that but i do watch kid shows. in particular i watch my little pony a lot. mostly because i'm autistic and it's one of my special interests. (the other is vocaloid. i know, epic cringe, but whatever) but i'm very, very embarassed about it. i'd never dare talk about my little pony in real life. even my best friend, who knows i watch it because i introduced her to it (although she stopped watching after a while, i did not). for a while i actually stopped watching it, until i had a really bad night and decided watching my favorite my little pony episodes would make me feel better. it sounds stupid but that show really does mean a lot to me. even if it's mediocre in everyone else's eyes i still enjoy it. but there's two reasons i'd never admit it out loud. one, i don't want to be associated with bronies. two, from what i can tell, mlp is one of the cringiest interests an autistic person can have, at least in the eyes of allistic people. i'm supposed to watch reality shows or game of thrones or whatever, not my little pony. yknow?
and i remember a few weeks ago i mentioned to my best friend that i'd never watched arthur, but it seems like a good show so i'd like to watch it. my english teacher overheard me (it was a bit before class started) and said with snark, "arthur is awful. you like arthur?" it made me feel really bad. i don't like arthur (because, duh, i've never seen it) but i do like my little pony and that's so much worse and so much more juvenile and he would probably go as far as to mock me if he found out i like it so much.
sometimes i don't mind being childish. i don't think it's a bad trait, because i don't think of it as a synonym for "immature." being childish just means i have interests in things that are meant for children. that doesn't make me a bad person. i think it might actually be connected to my autism. but i really wish i was normal, i wish i was wired differently so i could watch the same kinds of shows my mom watches and listen to the same kind of music as everyone else. and i hate that every time i post something on the internet (particularly tumblr, since that's where most of my thoughts though, but instagram is also common) about how much i love my little pony, i get so paranoid about who sees and and how disappointed they are in me. in fact, i'm kind of afraid to post this too because i'm already imagining all kinds of hurtful things people will say and think. (i'm sensitive, and i hate myself for that too.)
this isn't really a request for advice. it's just something i felt like sharing. thanks for reading.
i don't mind being too old to do things like that but i do watch kid shows. in particular i watch my little pony a lot. mostly because i'm autistic and it's one of my special interests. (the other is vocaloid. i know, epic cringe, but whatever) but i'm very, very embarassed about it. i'd never dare talk about my little pony in real life. even my best friend, who knows i watch it because i introduced her to it (although she stopped watching after a while, i did not). for a while i actually stopped watching it, until i had a really bad night and decided watching my favorite my little pony episodes would make me feel better. it sounds stupid but that show really does mean a lot to me. even if it's mediocre in everyone else's eyes i still enjoy it. but there's two reasons i'd never admit it out loud. one, i don't want to be associated with bronies. two, from what i can tell, mlp is one of the cringiest interests an autistic person can have, at least in the eyes of allistic people. i'm supposed to watch reality shows or game of thrones or whatever, not my little pony. yknow?
and i remember a few weeks ago i mentioned to my best friend that i'd never watched arthur, but it seems like a good show so i'd like to watch it. my english teacher overheard me (it was a bit before class started) and said with snark, "arthur is awful. you like arthur?" it made me feel really bad. i don't like arthur (because, duh, i've never seen it) but i do like my little pony and that's so much worse and so much more juvenile and he would probably go as far as to mock me if he found out i like it so much.
sometimes i don't mind being childish. i don't think it's a bad trait, because i don't think of it as a synonym for "immature." being childish just means i have interests in things that are meant for children. that doesn't make me a bad person. i think it might actually be connected to my autism. but i really wish i was normal, i wish i was wired differently so i could watch the same kinds of shows my mom watches and listen to the same kind of music as everyone else. and i hate that every time i post something on the internet (particularly tumblr, since that's where most of my thoughts though, but instagram is also common) about how much i love my little pony, i get so paranoid about who sees and and how disappointed they are in me. in fact, i'm kind of afraid to post this too because i'm already imagining all kinds of hurtful things people will say and think. (i'm sensitive, and i hate myself for that too.)
this isn't really a request for advice. it's just something i felt like sharing. thanks for reading.